Is this fear or what?

[Jordie]

Dear friends,

I don't post much but I am an avid reader of the forum. This time I wanted to share something very upsetting that has been happening to me lately. I am about 5 months on HRT, religiously attending my weekly therapy session and discussing all aspects with my therapist. All is good, I realize and somehow i understand I am a transgender individual and I am walking towards transition, however, lately I have had a feeling of deep sadness, confusion and fear. I live 99% 24/7 except for work and family and I have never had any bad or negative experience interacting with the world as a woman. I am always trying to find balance and trying to be authentic in my feminity.

Lately as I said before, I have been getting upsetting emotions and mixed feelings sometimes to the point where I have felt umconfortable as a woman but I don't miss and or get the urge to be a man either. It is weird and very upsetting. Today, I had these sort of feeling attacks that I acatually had to change to male mode thinking that I would find any relief to these feelings. However, I did not work. I wonder why am I having these feelings. Like I said, it is like a sort of fear and anxiety mixed together. As if i dont feel comfortable as a woman. I don't like it and it is very disturbing to me. It makes me doubt and have second thoughts about the whole transition.

Do you think this is fear? Will it be possible that as the hormones are taking over my body,. my brain is reacting and sending me all these signals and sensations as to realize that I might not be a transexual.? I don't want to feel like this. I ask myself, Why can't I be just a normal person? I know it is dumb to ask me this. To me transitioning without hormones does not make sense but it seems that as my body is getting bathed by the estrogen and getting in a way more feminized, my brain is reacting. It is very confusing. Is this fear?

Your input would be appreciated.

[Aprilrain]

It's definitely fear wether or not it means you are or are not TS no one here can say. Personally I think transsexualism must be self diagnosed. Sure we all need letters if we want surgery ie. therapists MDs and a clinical diagnosis but having someone else tell me I'm TS when I don't already know it myself sounds dangerous to me. Only you can confirm or deny transsexualism in yourself. it's ok to have doubts, it's ok to have bad days, It's ok to be afraid this shit can be scary! Before every major step in my transition thus far i have had serious doubts and fears and my initial reaction was to want to give up and go hide in a hole somewhere. Cominig out (especially to parents), going full time (full time for real, like around my kids and parents!) changing my name and gender marker, dating (i almost threw up before my first date with my BF!) and before FFS (though i was strangly calm til they wheeled me into the OR! Thank god for valium!) all of theses steps were preceeded by fear and trepidation. 5 months on HRT you say? I think it was around 4 months when i started getting a lot more emotional.

[Jordie]

It's definitely fear wether or not it means you are or are not TS no one here can say. Personally I think transsexualism must be self diagnosed. Sure we all need letters if we want surgery ie. therapists MDs and a clinical diagnosis but having someone else tell me I'm TS when I don't already know it myself sounds dangerous to me. Only you can confirm or deny transsexualism in yourself. it's ok to have doubts, it's ok to have bad days, It's ok to be afraid this shit can be scary! Before every major step in my transition thus far i have had serious doubts and fears and my initial reaction was to want to give up and go hide in a hole somewhere. Cominig out (especially to parents), going full time (full time for real, like around my kids and parents!) changing my name and gender marker, dating (i almost threw up before my first date with my BF!) and before FFS (though i was strangly calm til they wheeled me into the OR! Thank god for valium!) all of theses steps were preceeded by fear and trepidation. 5 months on HRT you say? I think it was around 4 months when i started getting a lot more emotional.

Thank you for your reply / input April. I agree with you when you say it is fear. Although one can make a decision about transitioning and feel the confidence that it will be fine, I am finding out that it is a very scary process. Not knowing what is going to happen when we finally arrive to our destination, whatever that is , it is indeed scary.

Everybody is different and in my case, like I said, my reaction is a feeling of uncomfort and anxiety and want to escape and go back, and it is even worse when I go back to feel protected and I don't find anything to protect me, it is horrible, infeel like a turtle without its shell, I am vulnerable and exposed to my feelings.

My doctor told me also about the emotional part and the effects estradiol could have in some, and perhaps these emotions are being incremented by it.

Thank you again.

[Empress Lainie]

Jordie please check this out, may be of help I hope:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?169131-Those-who-didn-t-know-from-an-early-age

[Stephenie S]

Fear is an emotion. Emotions are something you should be discussing with your therapist. What does he/she say?

S

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Jordie!

First off, it could just be an adjustment to HRT.. and fear is a good word to describe one of the feelings around jumping off a cliff!! heh....
as i proceeded through HRT, i felt many periods of hopelessness and doubt. they came and went.. i tried to start a diary, but was generally not organized enough to do it ... reading notes that i did take is scary, i was nutso (a medical term for bonkers)
my doubt was huge, many times I cried and said wtf am i doing??? I tried SOOOOO hard to not be transsexual.... looking back, i can't imagine how i ever thought that, and once the last doubts passed, they never came back..
I would encourage you to view the doubt and fear as healthy.

One thing i would mention is 99% 24/7 except for work and family is not living as a woman. Your feelings about not being comfortable may have more to do with your current lifestyle of switching back and forth...dressing is not living as a woman.
thats not a judgement, its an observation that you have a common problem which is all the switching back and forth can be stressful, and it can highlight your gender problem....
If you are truly looking for transition, this may be the time you start thinking about actually living as a woman...

One of the most underrated qualities to have during transition is a logical and rational approach to both your day to day experience and long term goals..
easy to say, brutally hard for folks suffering gender dysphoria..

just by your posts you seem to be in a pretty good thinking space..
talk to your therapist about mapping out the tactics that best suit your life situation, and about whether your current approach is causing your stress..

[Melody Moore]

One thing i would mention is 99% 24/7 except for work and family is not living as a woman. Your feelings about not being comfortable may have more to do with your current lifestyle of switching back and forth...dressing is not living as a woman.
thats not a judgement, its an observation that you have a common problem which is all the switching back and forth can be stressful, and it can highlight your gender problem....
**Ding, ding** This also rang my alarm bells as being a huge part of the problem.

Jordie, how many hours each week do you work and spend time around family in male mode? I am sure
It makes up a much larger percentage than just 1% of your time. So there is this fear in with you with
family & work that is standing in the way of you living 100% fulltime as a woman & finding that happiness
and peace so many others have found. So this is what I really would be trying to focus on sorting out here
because it impacts your life much greater than just 1% of the time.

When I went full-time I had already been living a double secret life for a couple of years and noone knew
anything. So overcoming my fears took a huge amount of work before I could finally step outside the door
and start coming out to people. Once I started coming out I was not going to stop until everyone in my life
knew. There was some causalities with some of my family & friends who rejected me, but that's their issue
now & not mine. I found that peace and happiness I so desperately needed despite losing the so-called love
of others. But I believe that true love is unconditional, so I also knew that these people never really loved
me if they could not get past their issues and appreciate why this was so important to me.

Coming out at work is a tough one, many say that you need a job to afford transition which is true, however
I don't think you will perform 100% if you are down & depressed & have anxiety about these types of issues.
I made the conviction to myself after finding peace & happiness, there is nothing is going to stand of my way
of completing my transition. While I wasn't working when I started transition I don't think if I had a job it would
have stopped me.

If I was in your position, I would have come out to my manager, stating my intentions to transition, discussing
a plan to do that in the workplace over a period of time as smoothly as possible for the benefit of other staff. I
also know lots of other transsexuals who have transitioned on the job like this. I know many transsexuals who
successfully transitioned while working as builders, motor mechanics, plant operator (earthmoving), pilots, truck
drivers, train driver, computer technicians, software programmer, doctors nurses, lawyers, university lecturers
& professors, retail shop assistants, chefs, food service & the list goes on & on.

The times are a changing & employers are a lot more open and accepting than they were 10 years ago of LGBTI people.
Some businesses nowadays see a lot of value in having LGBTI people working for them because it projects the image
they are a forward thinking business that is unbiased and promotes equal opportunities which is better for their sales.
I believe that Walmart in the USA also changed their policies (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/28/walmart-adds-transgender-protection_n_986159.html) for this reason & to fall in line with anti-discrimination laws.

My situation has been somewhat different. I have been on a disability pension and have been working to get myself off
it. So slowly I have been building my own business around my skills as a commercial photographer, writer, graphic artist
& web designer & developer. I supply regular submissions about LGBTI news & events from my region to a few of state
& national LGBTI magazines which I am getting paid for now after they approached me! it has been the same story with
my graphic arts & web design work. I am now getting a steady flow of ongoing work now simply through word-of-mouth.
My latest web design client is an earthmoving business over in Western Australia, on the other side of the country to me.

It is only through sheer determination & resilience that you can overcome fears & these types of issues. This is something
that I have to do myself and still keep working at. I really want this, so I needed to find a way to amalgamate my skills &
all my resources to get out of a very deep rut. Now I am beginning to reap the fruits of all my hard work and have a SRS
fund now with a few grand & still growing quickly in the bank and I also got myself really settled now into my own place.

I feel so free now there is nothing in this world now that can ever paralyse me with any type of fear ever again. :)

[Julia_in_Pa]

Jordie,


I agree with the others when I say that you are not yet living full time.
Once you have resolved the family and work issues then evaluate your feelings again concerning this possible fear.
At some point in the immediate future you have to make that jump through the portal to full time Jordie.
It's in your hands.


Julia

[Jordie]

Julia,

Thank you very much for your words. I realize this is paralizing fear and I want to escape and since I don't have anywhere to go my instincts tell me to go back to where I have been, in this case a male side and i take shelter in this place where I feel unsafe also. I know is all in my hands and I just need to be strong and face those fears and move on.

XoXo

[Jordie]

**Ding, ding** This also rang my alarm bells as being a huge part of the problem.

Jordie, how many hours each week do you work and spend time around family in male mode? I am sure
It makes up a much larger percentage than just 1% of your time. So there is this fear in with you with
family & work that is standing in the way of you living 100% fulltime as a woman & finding that happiness
and peace so many others have found. So this is what I really would be trying to focus on sorting out here
because it impacts your life much greater than just 1% of the time.



When I went full-time I had already been living a double secret life for a couple of years and noone knew
anything. So overcoming my fears took a huge amount of work before I could finally step outside the door
and start coming out to people. Once I started coming out I was not going to stop until everyone in my life
knew. There was some causalities with some of my family & friends who rejected me, but that's their issue
now & not mine. I found that peace and happiness I so desperately needed despite losing the so-called love
of others. But I believe that true love is unconditional, so I also knew that these people never really loved
me if they could not get past their issues and appreciate why this was so important to me.

Coming out at work is a tough one, many say that you need a job to afford transition which is true, however
I don't think you will perform 100% if you are down & depressed & have anxiety about these types of issues.
I made the conviction to myself after finding peace & happiness, there is nothing is going to stand of my way
of completing my transition. While I wasn't working when I started transition I don't think if I had a job it would
have stopped me.

If I was in your position, I would have come out to my manager, stating my intentions to transition, discussing
a plan to do that in the workplace over a period of time as smoothly as possible for the benefit of other staff. I
also know lots of other transsexuals who have transitioned on the job like this. I know many transsexuals who
successfully transitioned while working as builders, motor mechanics, plant operator (earthmoving), pilots, truck
drivers, train driver, computer technicians, software programmer, doctors nurses, lawyers, university lecturers
& professors, retail shop assistants, chefs, food service & the list goes on & on.

The times are a changing & employers are a lot more open and accepting than they were 10 years ago of LGBTI people.
Some businesses nowadays see a lot of value in having LGBTI people working for them because it projects the image
they are a forward thinking business that is unbiased and promotes equal opportunities which is better for their sales.
I believe that Walmart in the USA also changed their policies (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/28/walmart-adds-transgender-protection_n_986159.html) for this reason & to fall in line with anti-discrimination laws.

My situation has been somewhat different. I have been on a disability pension and have been working to get myself off
it. So slowly I have been building my own business around my skills as a commercial photographer, writer, graphic artist
& web designer & developer. I supply regular submissions about LGBTI news & events from my region to a few of state
& national LGBTI magazines which I am getting paid for now after they approached me! it has been the same story with
my graphic arts & web design work. I am now getting a steady flow of ongoing work now simply through word-of-mouth.
My latest web design client is an earthmoving business over in Western Australia, on the other side of the country to me.

It is only through sheer determination & resilience that you can overcome fears & these types of issues. This is something
that I have to do myself and still keep working at. I really want this, so I needed to find a way to amalgamate my skills &
all my resources to get out of a very deep rut. Now I am beginning to reap the fruits of all my hard work and have a SRS
fund now with a few grand & still growing quickly in the bank and I also got myself really settled now into my own place.

I feel so free now there is nothing in this world now that can ever paralyse me with any type of fear ever again. :)

Melody,

Thank you for your input. My inmediate family being ex-espouse andnchildren know already and they are very supportive. It is my parents and siblings that I am afraid of, I don't want to lose them and at the same time I feel embarrassed to come ou to them. Dont now why. Also, the fact that I am de-constructing my old persona it is also a contribution to these feelings. (I think). Although I work for from home my job sometimes forces me to present in male mode various times a week and that confuses the hell out of me and adds an inmense sense of stress and anxiety and therefore makes me doubt about myself and my transition.

I have to be brave enough, I need to believe in myself more and have the willingness to overcome my fears and perhaps it is time to accept them and embrace them with compassion and understanding knowing that they are the ones that are going to help me to collect strength to move on once and for all.

Thank you dear so very much for your words.

Xoxo

[Jordie]

Hi Jordie!

First off, it could just be an adjustment to HRT.. and fear is a good word to describe one of the feelings around jumping off a cliff!! heh....
as i proceeded through HRT, i felt many periods of hopelessness and doubt. they came and went.. i tried to start a diary, but was generally not organized enough to do it ... reading notes that i did take is scary, i was nutso (a medical term for bonkers)
my doubt was huge, many times I cried and said wtf am i doing??? I tried SOOOOO hard to not be transsexual.... looking back, i can't imagine how i ever thought that, and once the last doubts passed, they never came back..
I would encourage you to view the doubt and fear as healthy.

One thing i would mention is 99% 24/7 except for work and family is not living as a woman. Your feelings about not being comfortable may have more to do with your current lifestyle of switching back and forth...dressing is not living as a woman.
thats not a judgement, its an observation that you have a common problem which is all the switching back and forth can be stressful, and it can highlight your gender problem....
If you are truly looking for transition, this may be the time you start thinking about actually living as a woman...

One of the most underrated qualities to have during transition is a logical and rational approach to both your day to day experience and long term goals..
easy to say, brutally hard for folks suffering gender dysphoria..

just by your posts you seem to be in a pretty good thinking space..
talk to your therapist about mapping out the tactics that best suit your life situation, and about whether your current approach is causing your stress..

Kaitlyn,

Thank you dear.! Your input is so valuable to me. I read and it makes a lot of sense. I Need to overcome these feelings and be brave to embrace the woman in me and let her be free once and for all. I will talk to my therapist this Saturday and discuss what you have suggested me. Yes, I need some guidelines and tactics that best suit my
Life situation.

Thanks so much again!

Have a great night!