Violetgray
02-16-2012, 12:46 AM
Anger:
I go to the same New Year's Eve party every year. After the ball drops, the hosts have a standing invitation for people around the neighborhood to just walk in and join from other parties. I'm talking to this girl, after a moment her boyfriend (both and consumed beverages by then) listens to my voice then says, "Are you a guy?" I had barely gotten out the "s" in "Yes" when he sticks is finger out and pokes me in the boob*. Sure, it was silicone, but I felt so angry that as soon as he found out I was TG he felt that it was o.k. violate my personal space. I looked up from his finger and said, "ARE YOU FEELING OK?" his girlfriend said, "Honey, stop.." and took his hand away.
He says, "Well, I'm from Oklahoma" like that mattered somehow. It occurred to me to remind him that he was in Baltimore now and in THIS city trannies will stab you in face over that sh*t. But I opted instead to walk away and find more interesting people to talk to.
Insecurity
I've gained a decent bit of weight since December. Sure, anybody would notice and perhaps not be happy about it, but it's never more apparent to me than when I remove my male attire and I put on body-hugging hose or leggings, and I'm putting makeup on my cheeks. Followed by..
Guilt
Because I realize that I'm actually internalizing the thin=pretty nonsense that so many women are pressured into striving for.
Excitement/Worry
I list these both because I feel them at the same time. I've decided recently that I'm going to get laser done on my face. I'm excited because I won't have any hair on my face but I worry once I start making permanent changes to myself I won't stop. I fear that for me at least, each procedure would make me feel bolder towards getting the next one then one day I'll be getting a Pepsi-One out of a vending machine, dig through my purse for change and then look up and realize "Oh crap. I'm a woman now aren't I?" and finally,
Gratitude.
I was part of a variety show Last Saturday and afterward everyone called me Violet, referred to me with female pronouns (I never used to care about that, but now I notice I feel a bit disappointment when they don't), and said they enjoyed the show. I make sure people know I'm a T-girl so afterward when I went to the bathroom I made sure to use the men's room, just because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers.
The men's room was packed so I backed out. There was a woman attending the women's room who looked at me like I was crazy for trying to go into the men's room anyway. She said "The ladies' room is over HERE and gestured for me to go in. Once I was in there I saw ladies getting changed into costume preparing to go onstage. When they saw me they gave me a brief, friendly smile and continued talking like it was the most normal thing in the world. Once again, I had just gotten off stage and revealed my T*.
At that moment I was very grateful to be in a situation where I could express myself, and go out as Violet, and I thought about all the girls who would rather come out but must confine themselves to certain rooms in the house, hotels etc. because life itself has conspired to suppress them. And who knows, maybe the "slippery slope" and getting a little rounder in the face aren't such bad things after all.
That guy from Oklahoma was still a d!ck though.
*One thing that REALLY makes me mad is when people grab, poke are otherwise molest my boobs. Sure, they're not real, but it's the underlying point that they feel the need to in some way de-construct my overall femininity, or use me as an outlet for things they would NEVER to with a GG.
I go to the same New Year's Eve party every year. After the ball drops, the hosts have a standing invitation for people around the neighborhood to just walk in and join from other parties. I'm talking to this girl, after a moment her boyfriend (both and consumed beverages by then) listens to my voice then says, "Are you a guy?" I had barely gotten out the "s" in "Yes" when he sticks is finger out and pokes me in the boob*. Sure, it was silicone, but I felt so angry that as soon as he found out I was TG he felt that it was o.k. violate my personal space. I looked up from his finger and said, "ARE YOU FEELING OK?" his girlfriend said, "Honey, stop.." and took his hand away.
He says, "Well, I'm from Oklahoma" like that mattered somehow. It occurred to me to remind him that he was in Baltimore now and in THIS city trannies will stab you in face over that sh*t. But I opted instead to walk away and find more interesting people to talk to.
Insecurity
I've gained a decent bit of weight since December. Sure, anybody would notice and perhaps not be happy about it, but it's never more apparent to me than when I remove my male attire and I put on body-hugging hose or leggings, and I'm putting makeup on my cheeks. Followed by..
Guilt
Because I realize that I'm actually internalizing the thin=pretty nonsense that so many women are pressured into striving for.
Excitement/Worry
I list these both because I feel them at the same time. I've decided recently that I'm going to get laser done on my face. I'm excited because I won't have any hair on my face but I worry once I start making permanent changes to myself I won't stop. I fear that for me at least, each procedure would make me feel bolder towards getting the next one then one day I'll be getting a Pepsi-One out of a vending machine, dig through my purse for change and then look up and realize "Oh crap. I'm a woman now aren't I?" and finally,
Gratitude.
I was part of a variety show Last Saturday and afterward everyone called me Violet, referred to me with female pronouns (I never used to care about that, but now I notice I feel a bit disappointment when they don't), and said they enjoyed the show. I make sure people know I'm a T-girl so afterward when I went to the bathroom I made sure to use the men's room, just because I didn't want to ruffle any feathers.
The men's room was packed so I backed out. There was a woman attending the women's room who looked at me like I was crazy for trying to go into the men's room anyway. She said "The ladies' room is over HERE and gestured for me to go in. Once I was in there I saw ladies getting changed into costume preparing to go onstage. When they saw me they gave me a brief, friendly smile and continued talking like it was the most normal thing in the world. Once again, I had just gotten off stage and revealed my T*.
At that moment I was very grateful to be in a situation where I could express myself, and go out as Violet, and I thought about all the girls who would rather come out but must confine themselves to certain rooms in the house, hotels etc. because life itself has conspired to suppress them. And who knows, maybe the "slippery slope" and getting a little rounder in the face aren't such bad things after all.
That guy from Oklahoma was still a d!ck though.
*One thing that REALLY makes me mad is when people grab, poke are otherwise molest my boobs. Sure, they're not real, but it's the underlying point that they feel the need to in some way de-construct my overall femininity, or use me as an outlet for things they would NEVER to with a GG.