CloserthanthisGG
02-16-2012, 01:28 AM
I haven't spoken to my father in decades. Literally decades. I felt that he had abandoned my mom and my sister and I for pretty much my whole life. He would write us letters when he was clean and sober throughout my childhood. He would pretty much decorate every word on the page and use fun stationary... Underlining things he thought were important, use lots of exclamation marks, using 15 colors of pens, draw pictures around words... sometimes with glitter. I thought this was because we were kids and he was trying to be entertaining, but it continued to adulthood. I mostly ignored all of his attempts to communicate with me because I had decided that he was everything I didn't want to be. A drug addict, an alcoholic, an abandoner.
But about maybe a month before I started talking to Lisia again, I started actually becoming interested in learning about this man who contributed half of my DNA, cynically referring to him as my "sperm donor". After my mom had died, he reeeeeeally upset my sister and I, so he was pretty much dead to me too. Long story, entirely irrelevant to my story here today. But a friend of mine recently told me that forgiveness is not for them, it's for you. So, I started talking a bit to him.
I reposted something a day or so ago on facebook because it was very amusing to me for lots of reasons. But one of them is because it sounded like something a crossdresser would say, instead of how the original poster meant it... It said "Sweetie, if you're going to be two faced, at least make sure one of them is pretty!" And so my sperm donor commented "Oh if you only knew about my 'other' face" So I asked "How pretty is your 'other' face, then?" kind of a jab at him hurting me, kind of also an honest inquiry because he's been constantly commenting on all of my pretty outfits in great detail. His reply was something like "Well, it's not the same as back in the day, but..." and kind of rambled...
He's also always saying now how much I am just like him. Everything I write on fb, and that I look just like him... which is true. I take more after him than my mom... but mom had severe issues with depression and one manic episode that I remember. Dad told me that he is bipolar too. So. Wow. Where does that leave me? With really bad anxiety disorders and one year long or so bout with depression, which I am glad to say is over now!! YAY! :D I think I waaay prefer panic attacks to just feeling like that all the time.
So anyway, he said he would send me a hint at my email address. I thought maybe I was just reading into what he was saying because crossdressing is too close to my heart right now, too familiar... and now I look for it everywhere. I look for crossdressers at the stores so I can smile at them. I saw someone walking in the rain in a long trenchcoat recently that looked like they could be male or female and wondered what they were wearing under the long rain coat because that weather seemed like a perfect opportunity to just go for a walk without being too obvious. :)
But I asked anyway. His hint was a picture of a swimsuit model. I asked if he was trying to say he liked swimsuit models or if he wanted to be one?
I said if you're trying to tell me you're a crossdresser, it's cool. I wouldn't be weirded out at all. It would actually explain a lot, and I'm actually a member of a crossdressing forum, for reasons that I would explain later, if he confirmed that that's what he was on about.
Soooooooo, his response was incredible. "Crossdressing? Who, me??!" was the subject. Pink Hello Kitty background on the email, and he took the time to of course, embellish everything in his usual manner. But it was sooooo weird. I wish I could post it here. It was so unexpected.
The other night, I had my head in Lisia's lap. He had boobies on and everything. Wig, full nine yards. Leaned down to kiss me a few times with boobs pressing in my face and he was like, "I can't believe that you don't find this strange at all." I didn't remember my response, but he's sitting here with me, and said "I think it was 'find what strange?'" because I didn't know what he was talking about.
Well, I didn't know why it wasn't strange, or why things like that don't bother me.
I wish that I could post it here. I think... Well, it was just too perfect. It was a huge mind blowing experience. So many things have occurred to me today. OH THAT'S Why X, Y and Z.
I have always been attracted to feminine looking guys. I am so madly in love with David Bowie. Robert Smith. Morrissey. Any guy in eyeliner. I have always loved Rocky Horror. I have had many theories as to why this is the case. Ranging from a need to feel like the dominant person in a relationship because of various childhood events, or because, as my father had said on many occasions "your mom wears the pants in the family in more ways than one..." and we all seek out men who are like our dads, regardless of whether we like them or not...
But my father said in the email that he had considered a sex change operation in the 70's before I was born, and living in a different town as a woman and holding a job there...
That my mother didn't know, she saw him once out driving while he was working, dressed as a woman. And he couldn't believe that she never told me. But she didn't. He said that I am everything that he ever wanted to be. And that is some weird kind of like acceptance(?) from the father I never knew. But... I am both surprised by this revelation, him as a crossdresser, and also relieved.
It's such an unusual feeling. I mean there is no other thing that I could compare it to.
I wanted to post about it here, to see what other people thought about my attraction to crossdressers, feminine looking men, and the fact that my father, whom I barely ever knew at all, haven't seen since I was about 8 years old, barely saw twice a year before that, IS a crossdresser. Is it in my genes? Is it something I somehow sensed as a small child? How are attractions really formed? How are we affected by things we know nothing of? So many questions?!?!
But about maybe a month before I started talking to Lisia again, I started actually becoming interested in learning about this man who contributed half of my DNA, cynically referring to him as my "sperm donor". After my mom had died, he reeeeeeally upset my sister and I, so he was pretty much dead to me too. Long story, entirely irrelevant to my story here today. But a friend of mine recently told me that forgiveness is not for them, it's for you. So, I started talking a bit to him.
I reposted something a day or so ago on facebook because it was very amusing to me for lots of reasons. But one of them is because it sounded like something a crossdresser would say, instead of how the original poster meant it... It said "Sweetie, if you're going to be two faced, at least make sure one of them is pretty!" And so my sperm donor commented "Oh if you only knew about my 'other' face" So I asked "How pretty is your 'other' face, then?" kind of a jab at him hurting me, kind of also an honest inquiry because he's been constantly commenting on all of my pretty outfits in great detail. His reply was something like "Well, it's not the same as back in the day, but..." and kind of rambled...
He's also always saying now how much I am just like him. Everything I write on fb, and that I look just like him... which is true. I take more after him than my mom... but mom had severe issues with depression and one manic episode that I remember. Dad told me that he is bipolar too. So. Wow. Where does that leave me? With really bad anxiety disorders and one year long or so bout with depression, which I am glad to say is over now!! YAY! :D I think I waaay prefer panic attacks to just feeling like that all the time.
So anyway, he said he would send me a hint at my email address. I thought maybe I was just reading into what he was saying because crossdressing is too close to my heart right now, too familiar... and now I look for it everywhere. I look for crossdressers at the stores so I can smile at them. I saw someone walking in the rain in a long trenchcoat recently that looked like they could be male or female and wondered what they were wearing under the long rain coat because that weather seemed like a perfect opportunity to just go for a walk without being too obvious. :)
But I asked anyway. His hint was a picture of a swimsuit model. I asked if he was trying to say he liked swimsuit models or if he wanted to be one?
I said if you're trying to tell me you're a crossdresser, it's cool. I wouldn't be weirded out at all. It would actually explain a lot, and I'm actually a member of a crossdressing forum, for reasons that I would explain later, if he confirmed that that's what he was on about.
Soooooooo, his response was incredible. "Crossdressing? Who, me??!" was the subject. Pink Hello Kitty background on the email, and he took the time to of course, embellish everything in his usual manner. But it was sooooo weird. I wish I could post it here. It was so unexpected.
The other night, I had my head in Lisia's lap. He had boobies on and everything. Wig, full nine yards. Leaned down to kiss me a few times with boobs pressing in my face and he was like, "I can't believe that you don't find this strange at all." I didn't remember my response, but he's sitting here with me, and said "I think it was 'find what strange?'" because I didn't know what he was talking about.
Well, I didn't know why it wasn't strange, or why things like that don't bother me.
I wish that I could post it here. I think... Well, it was just too perfect. It was a huge mind blowing experience. So many things have occurred to me today. OH THAT'S Why X, Y and Z.
I have always been attracted to feminine looking guys. I am so madly in love with David Bowie. Robert Smith. Morrissey. Any guy in eyeliner. I have always loved Rocky Horror. I have had many theories as to why this is the case. Ranging from a need to feel like the dominant person in a relationship because of various childhood events, or because, as my father had said on many occasions "your mom wears the pants in the family in more ways than one..." and we all seek out men who are like our dads, regardless of whether we like them or not...
But my father said in the email that he had considered a sex change operation in the 70's before I was born, and living in a different town as a woman and holding a job there...
That my mother didn't know, she saw him once out driving while he was working, dressed as a woman. And he couldn't believe that she never told me. But she didn't. He said that I am everything that he ever wanted to be. And that is some weird kind of like acceptance(?) from the father I never knew. But... I am both surprised by this revelation, him as a crossdresser, and also relieved.
It's such an unusual feeling. I mean there is no other thing that I could compare it to.
I wanted to post about it here, to see what other people thought about my attraction to crossdressers, feminine looking men, and the fact that my father, whom I barely ever knew at all, haven't seen since I was about 8 years old, barely saw twice a year before that, IS a crossdresser. Is it in my genes? Is it something I somehow sensed as a small child? How are attractions really formed? How are we affected by things we know nothing of? So many questions?!?!