Some questions/points my parents asked that I don't think I answered very well. Help!

[Melissa Jill]

"How do you know this isn't just a phase?"

"How will you handle with people outcasting you?"

"How do you know?"

"How comes you didn't know before?"

"Lately Ive noticed you've been happier than before (they know about my depression), if you're happy now why would you want to jeapordize it?"

and when I answered with that Im happier because Ive accepted myself and I am finally moving forwards with my transition

"But if you're happy now, then why do you have to change?"

Any other questions you got asked that you have/had trouble with and how you replied would be helpful too. Thanks.

[Melody Moore]

"How do you know this isn't just a phase?"
Have you been seeing a therapist and undergoing counselling? Because therapy is the best way of knowing
this isn't a phase. If you havent been seeing a therapist already then you really should be seeing one anyway.


"How will you handle with people outcasting you?"
I don't care what other people think really, if they want to reject me, that is their problem,
I have to live my life for me & not for you or anyone else. People nowadays are much more
accepting, and my personal experience is that my transition has improved both my work &
social life. My quality of life has improved tenfold since transitioning.


"How do you know?"
I never felt comfortable being around other male peers, I was bullied because I am a soft
and gentle person who never really liked to engage with other boys in their rough & tumble
world. As I grew older I came to realise that the way I looked at life and its issues was more
like a female. In my relationships with women there was this ever present feeling that I was
a 'lesbian trapped in a male body' and sex was difficult without accepting that I was a female
mentally. I looked at life & wanted the same things as a lot of other women did. I found more
gratification in being a home body rather than engaging in masculine activities. I preferred being
at home with my partner & family. I liked to help around the house, cook & clean, play with the
kids and look after them as a primary caregiver. But my partners felt smothered by my presence,
love & affection & all the extra attention, but I found it impossible to be any different to this.

As a result of this my relationships kept failing because my partners assumed that this was
all to do with an insecurity. I always understood women very well and never failed to please
them on a sexual level without the use of any sexual intercourse. Even though my last ex
girlfriend never put all the pieces together before I did transitioned, she said to me after I
started my transition that "it all makes sense now". I always told her I felt like a lesbian in
our relationship, I enjoyed sewing, floral art, graphic arts, interior decorating & gardening
with my ex girlfriend. And I told her about me dressing in female clothes when I was a kid.

But the best way I knew I was transsexual was after I started my transition was through
the comfort & peace I found through being able to just be myself. There is no more guilt.


"How comes you didn't know before?"
I knew I was different from a fairly young age. But it took me awhile to figure this all out because
I constantly kept rejecting any notion that I was transsexual & & struggled with conforming to my
birth sex which is what caused my depression.


"Lately Ive noticed you've been happier than before (they know about my depression), if you're happy now why would you want to jeapordize it?"
I have been happier because I have come to terms with who I am and know what I must do to fix my problem,
& unfortunately that involves transition, if there was another way I could be happy, then I would have chosen
that path, however there are no other treatments or cures for transsexualism apart from hormones & transition.


"But if you're happy now, then why do you have to change?"
See above.

[arbon]

My therapist had suggested that I write a list of all the possible questions I could think of that I might be asked by my parents and what my answers would be. It was a great suggestion.

but I am a dumbass that does not follow instructions very well and did not do it :)

So when my mom asked me some of those questions, I did not feel I answered some of them very well at the time either - when going through those early conversations, the first one we ended up spending the whole day together, her crying and me trying to reassure that it would work out, there were a lot of emotions and hard to think clearly. I just tried to be as honest as I could. Some questions I just said I don't right now, or I don't want to answer that question right now, which I think was ok to do.

She was really into questions like how are you going to deal with how people treat / judge you, wife and especially your daughter, how is this going to impact her at school and in the community ( we live in a very small community) - that worried my mom sick. I did not have an answer, I never went through it before -and was not sure what to expect, I told her we were just going to have to figure it out as we went, I don't know! It was not a great answer.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I didnt really answer the questions i got either.. I was also told things like "you will look like a fool"...it took time but they all got there for me..

It's a mystery how we "know"...it's a confusing thing to "know"
it causes much anxiety and depression in us...we cope with our confusion in our own ways.. that's pretty much the deal..

accepting your own truth is something that takes many years, tell them they don't need to do anything but love you and wish you the best... tell them you are ok..tell them you know this is a hard path..but you didn't choose it...it's just your reality..

the key point is that this is your reality... you need to prove to them that this is the right thing for you.. if you can do that, based on the fact they are talking and that the questions they posed are VERY REASONABLE for any thinking person, you are off to a better start than you may thing..

[Melissa Jill]

Yea, Im in therapy at the moment. I answered these questions as best as I could, but I could still see by the look on their faces I hadn't answered them well enough and i felt a bit bad.
I know its not a phase, Im happier because I have accepted myself and things are moving fowards and people will have problems with me which I will have to deal with.

Some of the points they raised amused me. Not because they were stupid, but because I have wondered the exact same things they have and come to the exact same conclusions they did.
Like, when they said they knew my Uncle wouldn't take to it very well, I knew to already be prepared for that, and that because he didn't know how he would explain to his kids why their cousin "Jon" will now be called cousin "Melissa", I smiled because I was like "Hey, I had that exact same thought!"

I really wish I could link them to this place so they could see all these sort of posts, but I don't want to throw them in at the deep end and it to be a shock to the system with people referring to me as "her" and "melissa" and all that.
I found a link to another forum which actually has a subsection for parents of transgender children, but I don't know if they have looked at it. They probably have.

[arbon]

Another question that came up from my mom was why can't you take testosterone to make you feel more like a man - I did not know if that was possible or not but did not think it sounded like a good idea!

[Aprilrain]

There is no way that you could answer their questions to their satisfaction, they're not even asking you questions but rather voicing their concerns in the form of questions. The only way for them to know that their child will be safe is to live your life, eventually they will either come around or they won't.

[AudreyTN]

"How do you know this isn't just a phase?"

answer with something like, it's on my mind all the time, it's persistent, i don't feel right as a boy, my thoughts and emotions and feelings don't matchup with what i am on the outside, there's a conflict up there, etc (whatever pertains to you)



"How will you handle with people outcasting you?"
same way everyone else handles criticism, being teased, taunted, harrassed or persecuted for something (religion, sexuality, race, whatever). you develop some thick skin, and be yourself, but you choose where you go wisely, and you choose your friends wisely, and ignore the people you have to deal with that say mean and hurtful things.


"How do you know?"
not an easy explanation, and anything you tell them won't convince them, but it's something you know in your heart and mind,


"How comes you didn't know before?"

you've always known, but you just maybe never realized it consciously or perhaps had supressed it, because you were afraid of your family reacting poorly, friends, and society etc, or you were in self-denial and weren't mature enough to realize who you really were, or it scared you to the point where you didn't at the time you first knew and so you blocked it out.


"Lately Ive noticed you've been happier than before (they know about my depression), if you're happy now why would you want to jeapordize it?"
and when I answered with that Im happier because Ive accepted myself and I am finally moving forwards with my transition

"But if you're happy now, then why do you have to change?"[/QUOTE]

good answer! that's the best one of all. just cause you're happy with how things in life are going, doesn't mean you're necessarily happy or satisfied with how you appear physically.

[RachelOKC]

Melissa, this is how I would answer these questions were they asked of me, not advice on how YOU should answer. If you find this helpful, then I'm glad!


"How do you know this isn't just a phase?"

If it's a phase, then it's one I've gone through almost my whole life. I have known since I was very young that I didn't feel right as a male and I've struggled with it the entire time. Despite my best efforts to change and be "normal", it hasn't gone away and I've accepted that it never will. I doubt that anyone would choose to be born or feel this way, rather the only real choice is what to do about it.


"How will you handle with people outcasting you?"

That'll be their loss. I'll be sad to lose friends and loved ones but if they abandoned me because I'm trans, then they probably weren't a very good friend to begin with. I'd much rather have friends that accept me for who I am, not what they think I should be. I can accept that some people cannot will not understand this, but I will not accept their bigotry.


"How do you know?"

The same way you know if you're a boy or a girl in your mind - you just know. If you're not gender conflicted, then you're probably not going to deeply question why or what you are and you're not going to wish you were the opposite sex (occasional fantasy excepting). For me, I do question all the time who and what I am and why that is the case. I do not know *why* I have this conflict, only that I've felt much more "one of the girls" than "one of the guys."

I've tried to be what other people want me to be and it does not work. It makes me miserable. I cannot repress my feminity and I cannot maintain a half and half existence or "just crossdressing." It hurts too much to go back to being a boy in the end. If you asked me, "would you be happier living life as a man or as a woman", I'd unequivocally state, "as a woman." There you go.


"How comes you didn't know before?"

See previous answers. I did know, I just didn't want to be. I've fought unsuccessfully against this since childhood and I've finally come to acceptance.


"Lately Ive noticed you've been happier than before (they know about my depression), if you're happy now why would you want to jeapordize it?"

My depression is due in no small part to my transgender identity and years of struggling to fit our society's strict constructions of gender. My coming to terms with being who I am as a transperson has enabled me to also start adressing my depression. Transitioning won't fix many of my problems, but if it helps me to feel better about myself, then that will be a very big start. I know that transitioning is not a yellow brick road and that there may be many difficulties ahead, but I wouldn't chose this path if I didn't believe it to be the right one.

[Miranda-E]

that list of questions is really their negative opinions and will never be answered to their satisfaction.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Melissa,

Try to think about this from your parent's perspective. I am a crossdresser on this forum, but we were completely surprised when our son told us last month that he/she was a transexual (he/she does not know about me). I know these questions, and I am going to give you advice that may sound paradoxical.

Your parents are frightened and feeling helpless. My wife would gladly die for our child. She is frightened for the difficult, painful, expensive, and very unfair life our child is facing, and she feels completely helpless. There is no possibility that we will reject our child or turn our backs on her, but we both worry that youthful optimism and lack of experience may lead to hasty decisions and regrets later.

Yes, be patient and answer their questions. But beyond that, be sensitive to addressing their concerns. Show them that you understand the seriousness and difficulties of your decision. Trying to minimize it will only make them worry even more. Your parents will feel less helpless if they are involved in some way. This will be difficult for you, as they may not want to offer any encouragement. But even if it is only by being "included in the loop," just understanding what is going on can reduce their feeling of helplessness.

Keep talking to them. Be honest with your successes and adversities. What parents want most is for their children to be happy. Show them that you understand what it takes for you to be happy. It won't eliminate their fear and helplessness, but it's a start.

Liz