A pathetic emotional dilemma caused by free stuff - advice needed please.

[Miranda G]

I have a situation on the horizon and need to seek some wise opinion.

I recently told a friend about me and she's been fantastic, giving me support and also looking at pictures of me in make up (it's not a pretty sight) to give me tips. Anyway, last night she said she had a load of clothes of hers that she is going to send me, which is beyond kind and generous of her and I should be thrilled BUT, and here's the thing, I think it will be weird to wear her stuff because i'm in love with her.

We met at University 12 years ago and I told her I loved her back then but she didn't reciprocate. However we stayed friends and I think she probably assumes that my feelings have disappeared over the years, especially as we rarely see each other (we communicate online and on phone chiefly) but the problem is they haven't and now I don't know what to do about these clothes she's sending.

I realise all this makes me sound pretty pathetic, and trust me I'm aware of this, but I just don't know if because of how I feel about her it would be weird to wear her stuff. I can't ask her not to send it because she'll ask why not but she's asked me to send her pics of me in it so I can't not put them on when they arrive.

I suppose I'm worried that, amongst other things, I'll feel like I'm trying to 'be' her instead of Miranda and start to use her as some kind of aspirational feminine yardstick from then instead of trying to be myself or something.

Sorry to have gone on so long and hope that all makes a kind of sense and doesn't make me come across as some kind of lovelorn loon but I'm just really confused about what to do and starting to panic a bit. Any guidance will be gratefully received.

(Also please don't hate me for what must seem like moaning at the prospect of a massive bag full of free clothes. Trust me, any other friend sending me gratis clobber and I'd be the happiest girl in the world)

[karenlong]

you could just think of it as getting closer to her, i cant put myself in your place, but mu wife has given me things of hers i wear and i love it, it makes me feel closer to her, i realize this is not the same, but hope it helps

[BRANDYJ]

you could just think of it as getting closer to her, i cant put myself in your place, but mu wife has given me things of hers i wear and i love it, it makes me feel closer to her, i realize this is not the same, but hope it helps

I agree with what Karen said. It is a way feel to get closer to her. of course I am assuming you are siongle and so is she. I only bring that up because if she or you were not free, then I'd understand your not feeling right.
I kow from experience that when a woman gave me something of hers to wear, I cherished it and it made me feel so much closer to her. Also, if there is a chance and hope for you two to get together, she might also feel closer to you knowing and seeing you in the clothes she used to wear.
I might add that I have never worn any clothes that a current SO owned unkless she aske dme to wear something. To me it is just wrong to invade their space. But any garment given up by my SO is appreciated and is very special to me.
Just today my SO told me she was wearing my PJ's because she was missing me and made her feel closer. Just hearing that made my day.

[Sheila11]

You might as well wear them because if by chance you do hook up you will probably be wearing some of her stuff from time to time anyway.

[Barbara Ella]

It has to feel very different getting clothes from your wife, and from someone you are emotionally attached to but cannot be with, so I can see a difference here. Giving clothes is a highly personal matter that some could see as an emotional connection. i dont know her situation, but i would accept them, let her know you sincerely appreciate and recognize her commitment to you. Send her some pictures and let her know how personally she has touched her. If you get a reasonable response, and if it is possible, maybe you could arrange a date or something to reciprocate. If she does not want to, just let her know that you will most likely not have a closer personal/emotional connection to anyone else and you treasure her friendship.

Babes

[Miranda G]

Thanks both. Sadly Brandy she's actually getting married in few months so I should probably try to avoid feeling any closer to her if possible as that's going to be hard enough to deal with as it is. She actually asked me to the wedding but fortunately I genuinely can't go (Thanks Olympics' tickets).

I think I'm just going to have to wear them and hope it doesn't freak out my silly brain too much. She's been really kind in thinking of me and she just isn't aware of how much I still feel for her otherwise she wouldn't have offered I would imagine. Anyway I know I'm probably fretting over nothing and just being a saft sod.

Aplogies for my self-indulgent bleating and thanks for the responses to my silliness.

In response to Sheila and Baby Steps (sorry,posted original reply before read your messages), thanks to you both too. I do treasure her friendship, she was 2nd person I told about myself, but am just worried that this might mess things up by making me miss her more or something stupid.

I really should have mentioned fact that she's on verge of getting married in original post, sorry. I think my brain's trying to block it out!!

[Eryn]

I think that the polite thing to do would be to accept the gift and then worry about what to do with it. I don't think it would be good to turn the gift down because of feelings that you harbor toward this woman. She might ask why and you don't want to be in that position! She lives some distance away so if you don't wear them it won't be evident. It's also unlikely that you have seen her wearing many of these items.

[RADER]

I think that the polite thing to do would be to accept the gift and then worry about what to do with it. I don't think it would be good to turn the gift down because of feelings that you harbor toward this woman. She might ask why and you don't want to be in that position! She lives some distance away so if you don't wear them it won't be evident. It's also unlikely that you have seen her wearing many of these items.

I totally agree with Eryn.
Maybe donate some of them to a charity, but it would be a good thing to try to ween yourself of her.
Try to break off communications with her gradually, as to not to offend her. Wish her good luck ahead.
Rader

[Alice B]

I would openly accept what she has to offer and see where it goes.

[Miranda-E]

take the gift with grace, wear it with your own style.

Its best to let her go. being the other woman never lasts and isn't as fun as it looks.

[BRANDYJ]

Miranda, I am sorry to hear there is no chance of a future as a couple for you with her. But still, accept the gift she wants to send you. You don't even need to try anything on until you can adjust to the fact that she is married. Perhaaps the friendship can still obe rewarding for you both.
I am very much in love with my SO and we live 1,200 miles apart...for now. But if we were to part ways and I heard she was getting married, and my feeling for her were still strong, then I can understand how you might be feeling. I wish you luck and hope you find the lady of your dreams.

[STACY B]

Take all the clothes pick through them keep what ya want an what looks good ,, But try all of them on its a free shopping spree an yull be that much wiser in knowing what looks good on you and what dont . Just take em cull um out ,, Its a no brainer ,, If she is the same size you should count your blessings ,,, Most chix on here would kill for some free girl clothes in there size ! Ill bet you wouldnt throw away some killer PLATFORMS if they were in the bag ??

[Miriam-J]

Miranda,

You don't say that she has reciprocated your expressions of love, so I'll assume that to her the sharing of clothing is an expression of friendship. This is little different from what one girl might do for a close girlfriend who is interested in changing styles. If your feelings are truly one-sided (for now), then you can accept the clothes from a wonderful friend and think of her a little each time you put them on. If your feelings end up reciprocated, you are being offered a truly intimate expression of love that will remind you of one another each time you wear the clothes in her presence. It can be a truly win-win situation.

Until my wife went on a really serious diet a while back, we were very nearly the same size and she willingly shared most of her blouses, sweaters, skirts, and dresses (she rarely wore those last two anyway). After her diet she handed many of them on to me. We also share earrings, makeup brushes, and some makeup. It's a wonderful expression of our intimacy and of her acceptance of my crossdressing.

I never find myself trying to "be" my wife, but only you can know whether you might slip into trying to "be" your friend. If you truly love her and see her as a real person rather than an object or obsession, I don't think you'll find a problem.

Miriam

[KandisTX]

Miranda,

Your story sounds so familiar to me. You see, I met my wife 16 years ago and told her three days later that I was in love with her. What I did not know at that time was that she too had been in love with me from the moment we first met. She and I will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in March. She has known about my crossdressing since three days after we met, the same day I told her I was in love with her, I told her I was a crossdresser. She has been loving and supportive the whole time.

My advice to you is to accept her gift for what it is, a gift to you from her. It is a way of her to show you that she supports and accepts this part of you. I waited six and a half years for the woman I loved to tell me that she had felt the same way from the moment we met. I wish you the best of luck with her.

[Diane Lynn]

Accept the gifts. Wear them with pride. Learn to be her girlfriend. It is common for girlfriends to have a close friendship. Maybe you can be one of her bridesmaids. If she has trouble in her new life, be the sholder to cry on. Be there for her. Be the than first person she calls. Being her girlfriend is better no friend at all.

Diane

[Joanne f]

It might be a good idea to explain the situation to her in that you may feel an emotional attachment in wearing her clothes as you still have feelings for her and let her decide whether once she knows that if she is still happy for you to wear them , if she says yes you will have nothing to worry about.

[ThiHi]

First, you're not being silly, the heart speaks for itself.
Second, take the clothes, say thank you.
Third, you may love her for a long time, but it may never be reciprocated. You aren't the first to feel that way about someone, you won't be the last. It stinks, but if you can take it, you can have a great friend.
Lastly, there will be another. If you're open to it, another will come along. It does get better.
Good luck, dear.

[Kerstin]

Ahh, unrequited love. It hurts, I've been there. In my case I simply allowed the friendship to gradually fade away over time, it was easier on my emotions that way. If I were you I'd accept the clothes in good grace as has been already been advised, but you need to distance yourself from your feelings for her.

[Karren H]

Just wash them a couple times. Then put them in a box and send them to another friend and have them forward them to someone else then finally back to you. Wash them one more time... Like laundering money. By the time you get them back you won't even remember who the belonged to! Lol.

[kimdl93]

Its not a crime to have affection for someone, even if they don't feel the same way in return. I think for starters you should have another talk with her. But, go into the conversation understanding that most likely,the situation has not changed, and prepare yourself to be OK with that. Obviously, she likes you and cares for you. But she may not "LOVE" YOU. Its happened to all of us. Don't take this as rejection. You just happen to be two people who don't both 'click' for whatever reason.

If it turns out she has some feelings for you fine. Wear her clothes to your hearts content. If not, you can be honest with her and just say that it feels a little weird to wear her clothes, given your feelings.

[Miranda G]

Thanks everybody, so many great responses and has really helped me come to my senses a bit.

She is giving them me because, well, she truly is that good a person. She sees the best in folk and is most non judgemental person I know, which is why I told her about myself. It's not for any other reason than that, I know she values my friendship but know that she never has, does, or will feel same way about me. Would probably be easier to accept if I'd met anybody since her but sadly still waiting...

You've all made me realise that only real course of action is to accept them, wear them and thank her. I would imagine that after a while (and some 'money' laundering techniques:D) then I'll probably forget where they even came from and will look back on this whole episode with not a little cringing at the memory!

I suppose if the worst thing that ever happens to me is getting a free parcel of clothes then i'm probably not doing too bad in life:)

Cheers all x

[WsprsOnTheWind]

Being on the verge of married is NOT married. If you feel that you need to tell her how you feel do so before she marries or forever hold your peace. I know that if I was the woman I would want to know. I had this very thing happen to me. I found out the night I got married that one of my husband's brother's friends had feelings for me. He and I happened to be close friends but he never told me his true feelings until months after I was married. If he had then perhaps he and I both wouldn't have gone down roads of unhappiness. He is now deceased and I will never know what might have been. Because of the way things turned out I will always wonder what might have been. Don't cheat yourself and her out of a something great. Tell her and let her make a decision from there. If you do tell her and you don't wind up with her what have you lost? You don't have her now so it won't be any different.

Personally, I couldn't wear something that a man I love gave me if he was with someone else. It would hurt too much, but that's just me. I love to wear my husband's clothes. It makes me feel closer to him especially b/c they smell like him. I happen to like his smell and having his clothes on makes me feel like he's somehow wrapped around me and I feel enveloped in him the whole time I'm wearing it. Not to mention I'm sniffing his shirt all day so I can get his scent.

[docrobbysherry]

Miranda, EVERYONE has their limits! Even ME! My mom or sis wants to give me their clothes? And, I'm supposed to be happy and wear them? NOT HAPPENING! So if that's how u feel, DON'T WEAR THEM! How to do it without hurting her feelings? EASY!

1. "No, they never arrived yet! Must be delayed somewhere? Darn mail, (UPS, Brown, etc.), service! I'll let u know when they arrive".

2. Sent so u must sign for them. U sign with a non-legible signature. Tell her your friend, Dan, (Fred, Dorkola, whoever), was at your place visiting from, SoCal., (Florida, Spain, Swazi-Land, etc.). He signed for it and opened it while u were at school, (work, shopping for a new bra, etc.). When he saw it was used women's clothes he insisted on giving them to his poor sister, (mother, aunt, grandma, uncle, Goodwill, etc.), who he came to visit and lives in your town.

Don't thank me, Miranda, I just enjoy helping others!

[Miranda G]

Wsprs - I'm sorry to read about what happened with you and your friend. If I thought there were any chance of my friend ditching her fiance then I'd talk to her tomorrow but there really isn't. I told her how I felt years ago and nothing happended then. She's happy with her bf and the life they've made. As I said, she doesn't even know I still feel the same and thinks that it's faded over time. I just can't tell her as I'll risk losing her friendship and all that comes with it. I've known for years this day was coming, just tad upset now it has and the whole old clothes thing has merely added to my emotional mix it seems. Oh well, these things are sent to try us I suppose.

And thanks for the tips Sherry but sadly they won't work. She's sending it rec del and would never believe somebody else signed for it as she knows I live alone and rarely entertain guests.

[Dragster]

Before you told us she was about to get married, I was going to suggest you accept the clothes on one condition; that she lets you take her out to dinner, with you wearing her clothes, and after she'd done your make-up. You might have found out whether she could have have accepted you as a CD spouse, because without that acceptance, you wouldn't be right for each other. In the circumstances, I'm not sure it's a good idea now; I think YOU would have a problem with it!

Tony

[Cheryl T]

Just put them on and see what you like. Keep the ones that fit and you find attractive and donate the ones that you don't.
If you are like most of us at some point you have worn the clothing of a loved one, be it mother, sister, spouse or girlfriend. It's like any other piece of property...it's just that...property and once you take possession they are YOURS not HERS.

[Miranda G]

Well they arrived and I think the problem's solved itself really as can't really wear them anyway. The dresses have too low necklines and also don't cover my shoulders, both of which are essential for me to even be close to being able to get a dress to work on me. Don't know whether I'm relieved or disappointed really!!

Believe it or not, I've never actually worn clothes of somebody I'm that close to before either. Never borrowed either my mum or sister's growing up (didn't have urge to dress until was 17) and don't have girlfriend, so this really would have been first time in anything close to dealing with this type of scenario. Well I can at least stop fretting about it now and go back to merely upsetting myself about her upcoming nuptials instead.

Thanks again to all who have been kind enough to take time to help me with this.

[jillleanne]

Just so you all understand, when someone speaks of 'money laundering', they do not actually wash and dry the actual money, like they do clothing at a laundrymat. I suppose one could argue the unintentional act by mistake in which money does get laundered, but that would not qualify as laundering money. The act of laundering money metaphorically speaking is represented by establishing a chain of businesses whereby illegal sums of funds in cash are used to acquire and dispose of, other items in exchange thereby bringing the undeclared illegal sums of cash into the mainstream flow of legal sums of cash.
For reference material I suggest try watching the following two movies. If you find the first is more of a short story, not to worry. The second film will surely help you forget the first.

1. The Godfather.
2. Johnny Dangerously.

I think Eryn has the fix for your question on the clothing. What a doll she is, what a doll.

[Foxglove]

Miranda, I'm glad your problem is solved. At this point I'd just say that I don't see any need for you to apologize about the feelings you had about the clothes. I can well understand why you might have been uncomfortable. Some people might not have been, but people are different. So if you felt uncomfortable, I don't see any reason to call yourself "pathetic" or anything like that.

It's a moot point now, obviously, but I myself saw no reason for you not to just be straight-up about it: just tell her that you wouldn't be comfortable wearing her clothes because you still had feelings for her. You never know, if she knew that, she might possibly have felt uncomfortable knowing that you were wearing her clothes as a way of feeling close to her. Again, people are different, but I could see how a woman in that position might possibly find it a bit creepy. At any rate, I think you said that you didn't want to let her know that you still loved her, so I suppose that wouldn't have been an option.

Basically, what I'm saying here is that I see no reason for you not to have accepted that you felt uncomfortable. No need to apologize for your feelings. And I think sometimes in a situation like this it might be best to simply be honest with someone else about your feelings.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Miranda G]

Thanks Annabelle, the self-aimed pathetic slur was based on fact that I'm still moping about this girl 12-years after I met her. It's just stupid really andI know itbut can't stop it, not until I meet somebody else anyway. Still, like you said, the clothes part of my problem is solved so at least that's one less thing to worry about. If there's a next time when she offers the same I'll just say thanks but no and this scenario won't raise its head again with any luck.

[Foxglove]

Thanks Annabelle, the self-aimed pathetic slur was based on fact that I'm still moping about this girl 12-years after I met her.

Try 35 years, and you'll have broken my record. I'm not really moping--just a bit wistful at times when I think about her, and still ruing a missed opportunity. I think that once you really love someone, you love them forever. They're one of kind, and you never meet anyone like them again.

Or maybe I'm just speaking for myself. Maybe I just had bad luck, and you'll have better and meet somebody just as wonderful. I wish you well, Miranda.

Annabelle