I Need to Get This Out

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

So I am a few weeks away from starting HRT (yay!) but am going to take my transition slowly. This means that only a handful of people currently know what's going on and am going to wait a while before I go full time. I know that a lot, if not most of my friends will no longer be friends once this happens and I have accepted that. However, something that happened today bugs me more than this fact.

I was talking with a coworker via IM at work today about one of our many meetings. Now, me and Steve get along great: we're close to the same age, like a lot of the same things and are both early into our careers. He is one of those coworkers that even though you work together, he is "buddy" material. Anyway, while talking with him, I accidentally/subconsciously typed "mtf" instead of "mtg" (in abbreviation for meeting). I quickly corrected myself but he typed "lololol mtf...you know what that is right Stevie?" (my male name is Steve). I quickly ignored it and continued our conversation.

Moments later, I was on in a meeting and almost burst into tears numerous times; it was all I could think about. I don't know why but this bugs me more than the fact that I am going to lose friends that I have known for years, not to mention that I don't think I'll ever be able to tell my dad. It has always been in the back of my mind that when it is time to live full time and I contact our company's transgender/transsexual liaison, moving to another job function and/or geographic area within the company will be best. However, this situation kind of puts this thought into the front of my mind.

I just had to get this out. I almost posted something on FB to get it out but then quickly remembered that not many people know about what's going on. Part of me just wanted to say "Yes, I know what mtf means because I am one!" but it's too early to do that, as well as the incorrect way. I'm having trouble figuring out this is bothering me so much: is it related to the fact that this is my career or am I just sick and tired of living a life that I don't want to live anymore?

I know we all go through this at some point but I just wish I didn't have to. People will be judgmental no matter what and even though I'm excited for the future, I'm scared shitless.

[Kerstin]

It's probably the combined weight of all your emotions on this whole thing making itself felt, and the incident with your coworker brought it all to the forefront of your mind. Right now you're scared about what's going to happen when it's time to go fulltime and everyone knows about you, and the incident with the IM was like another little straw on top of the camel's back. You just want to offload all of that stuff, all of that worry, so that you can just be 'you' without all the stress, but you're not quite at the point where you can do it yet and it's frustrating and emotionally draining. Just hang on in there.

You seem to be assuming the worst with regards to your friends and your work situation, but you may well find that your worst fears end up being unfounded.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:hugs:

transition requires patience... easier said than done of course..

Whatever you do, no matter how you feel , DO NOT POST ON FACEBOOK..post here every single day if you have to...

you seem to be doing the right things...little events will happen that challenge you, your mind will adjust to your decision to transition and the hormones, circumstances around you will change...

think day to day...let the transition issues come to you...and before you know it you will be on your way...what seems mysterious and unknowable today is actually going to end up being just another day for you...

what is hard to realize now is that you want this to be in YOUR control...it is very very hard to transition well... having other people's expectations (for better or worse) involved will only serve to complicate your life....having other people's fears and feelings (especially friends and coworkers) in your mind will not be helpful

get to a point where you know EXACTLY what you are doing, and when you are doing it...then tell all your friends...tell them in the most intimate way you can muster...look them in the eye when you tell them...

:2c:

[Jessinthesprings]

I would say a little bit of both. Everytime i would take a step forward I would feel content. but, as I stagnate in my transition I start to feel trapped by circumstances preventing me from going farther and my own reluctance. Perhaps you are at that stage? It will all come soon enough. I thought I would never be on HRT and now it's been 2 years.

[Katesback]

Perhaps the most important thing about deciding to start transition is if you want it bad enough. If you dont you will take baby steps and it will very likly be a mess. I have seen this countless times. On the other hand if your willing to put everything on the line and as the Nike commercial says "Just do it", you will actually do it. Hopefully you will learn sooner than later to keep your mouth shut about tras stuff with non trans people.

Finally you need to know that countless people with the same story as you have gone before you. There is NOTHING unique about your story. We survived and its as simple as that. Whats the reward? LOL you get to be the person you claim you are. The downside of that is as time goes by it becomes very normal and all the excitment of transition is just a memory. You will be a woman and thats just normal.

katie

[STACY B]

This what I dont get about the whole transition thing ? Your a man right . You have man friends right,, When you made those friends they made friends with a man right, Now you are going to be a woman right ,, So now you have to let the man friends go an make woman friends , Becuz your man friends dont want woman friends if they did they wouldnt have made friends with you in the first place right ? Thats a big thing about that process that you are starting all over in almost every aspect of your personal life , Not your job ,, They cant take your job exsperiance away, Hell a girl can do anything a guy can do. People that do this stuff just try to dam hard to hold on to the past an ya cant keep all your friends . There wives an girl friends will not let them be friends with another woman,, Even if she used to be a man . If my wife changed into a man I would not want her hanging out with all her ol girl friends . And something else if ya dont want to tell anyone dont , If they ask whats going on hell just say mannnnnn I wish I knew an play it off ,, An say I have been going to the doctor to see whats wrong an they dont realy know ether ,, Just keep it up ,, Once you feel better an its almost all over then tell em what can they say ? Most people will be real nice cuz they think your sick or something ,, There not doctors they dont know,, Tell em ya got KLINFELDERS ,, An ya have some crazy hormone inbalence an there trying to fix it with no luck , Act all sad when thay talk about it .

[Kelsy]

Being scared is normal and don't let anyone steal you're joy either. How you appraoch your transition is going to be as unique as you are.
We are all different and have to deal with the circumstances that belong to us. Consider all advice and use that which fits your situation.
My experience is that you cannot predict who will remain your friends and be supportive once the truth is out there. Some will suprise you!
Good luck!!

[Jorja]

One of the things I tell anyone that asks about transition is be prepared to lose everyone and everything in your life going into it. That means family, friends, job, and possessions. That doesn’t mean that it will happen that way but some of us do lose everything and everyone. I remember being surprised at some of the people in my life. The ones that I thought would go stayed. Those that I thought would stay went. Once they go doesn’t mean they will be out of your life forever. Those that left me are all back in my life except one and he knows I am willing if he is.

You may not realize it but you are judged every day by others and your co-workers. They talk behind your back. It may not be about your gender but everything else about you. This will just give them something more interesting to talk about.

You do not need to be in a hurry to tell anyone about your transition. When it is time they will know. Besides, talking about being transsexual to someone that is not transsexual is like talking to a brick wall. They don’t understand and can’t begin to imagine.

Do your homework. Know what it takes to transition. Get prepared mentally and physically. Save back as much money as you can for your survival and treatments. Expect roadblocks along the way and figure out how to get past them. Keep moving forward.

You are correct in being scared. This is some damn scary stuff. You can do it though if you really want it.

[david]

having read your post all i can tell you is this yes you may lose people you thought were friends and maybe in the long way it could be a blessing . Those who stay your friends are worth keeping as they will understand what it has taken you to finally come to understand that this is what you are a mtf and to do this takes a lot of courage on your part.To go down the route of transition is not easy but it will get easier as time goes by just enjoy the feeling of finally living as a female and i do believe that this is where you should be a happy person living as you were supposed to be.Do not loose heart we all have your missgivings at first and we will all try to help you get over this girl.Let us know how you are getting on.Love davinaxx

[Julia_in_Pa]

You'll lose many people that were once in your life after transition.
You cannot let that stop you but sadly most do.
You transition because you have to regardless of the price paid.


Julia

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

Thanks for your support, everyone! I try not to let these things get to me but I have always had a tendency to dwell. I do understand that my true friends will be the ones who stick around because they're friends with me as a person, not as how I appear. So far, out of the handful of friends I have told, I haven't lost a single one yet, even the ones who I thought would turn their cheek and walk away. However, I can't help but understand that even though my friends say that they don't care and will be my friends no matter what, when it comes time to make Steve go away completely, they might change their mind. Even though it sucks, I will make new friends.

I know that this isn't going to get any easier but I can already feel myself becoming a better person. Since I have accepted myself for who I am, my philosophy is that I cannot be a good person if I am unhappy. I still have my crabby moments but looking back, I was a complete asshole. I was quick to judge and would easily shut people out but in reality, I am and have always been a sensitive and empathetic person. I am worried about my job but the company won't fire me over this. There are policies in place that protect people like me and we've received awards for this type of diversity. I just worry a lot and am both physically and emotionally drained.

[Empress Lainie]

I transitioned to 24/7 in one day and had the attitude that if you don't like it.....too bad. Yes there was a price....my job I had 20 yrs thanks to a Mormon supervisor of the school that did not even know me; and my ex due she said to the fact that her first husband was gay and she didn't know it, then found out he was picking up men in bars. What that has to do with me is beyond me. BUT I have never been happier in my entire life as I have been since July 2, 2007.

[Kristy_K]

I try to take small steps in the start of my transition. That lasted about two weeks.

Then I had to tell everyone. To be honest YELL it to the world.

What I lost because of it was made up in pure happiness in me being me.

People will either accept it or not. It doesn't matter how long you take to tell them.

For me most people not all love the change because I was so much more of a happier person.

Happiness is almost like money, everyone wants to be around it.

Kristy

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

I transitioned to 24/7 in one day and had the attitude that if you don't like it.....too bad. Yes there was a price....my job I had 20 yrs thanks to a Mormon supervisor of the school that did not even know me; and my ex due she said to the fact that her first husband was gay and she didn't know it, then found out he was picking up men in bars. What that has to do with me is beyond me. BUT I have never been happier in my entire life as I have been since July 2, 2007.

That type of mentality, I believe, really helps. I'm trying to go into this with that mentality but I've always cared what people think about me; I've been that way my whole life.

I'm lucky in the respect that I'm single with no children and I couldn't imagine the BS you had to deal with. However, as far as your job situation went, aren't there laws against that? I've never quite understood how organizations can terminate someone for something that is blatantly linked to discrimination. I'm fortunate that the company I work for is the leader in its industry (worldwide scale), cares about its reputation, supports its employees and is big on diversity. I can't really foresee any issues but if something does happen, I will go to court.

[arbon]

However, as far as your job situation went, aren't there laws against that? I've never quite understood how organizations can terminate someone for something that is blatantly linked to discrimination. .

In 30+ states it is perfectly legal to fire a trans person

[Kristy_K]

That type of mentality, I believe, really helps. I'm trying to go into this with that mentality but I've always cared what people think about me; I've been that way my whole life.


I was that way my whole life also until I transition. A few months after I transition I figure out why I felt that way. I feel it was because when I was dressing as a male I was cross dressing and I worry about people laughing at me or mocking me. Since I went full time I don't feel that way for some reason. But I didn't understand that until after I transition.

Kristy