Fear of discovery

[Delila]

I have a question for those that are partly out but not fully. Why do we fear being found out? It seems to me that anyone worth having as a friend should know and understand our differences. I find myself wishing that I could at least go slightly more public with my clothing options. I often wonder why I go to such trouble to hide what I am. I have read many articles on multiple forums that tend to imply that others would be ok with me being a crossdresser. I know that in some places it is not accepted but in this day and age why do we have to hide what we are? Of course there will always be bigots but I think rather hopefully that the majority of people will at worst ignore how we need to dress and at best of course accept it. I have seen many public CDers and while I admire their courage I can only think that the only reason I thought twice about them was because I am jealous of their courage. If I am in guy mode I don't think twice seeing another male wearing women's clothes and I can't help but thinking that most people think the same. I always wonder if we came out more openly and in force if the fear and stereotypes would disappear rather quickly. The more open gays are the more acceptance would this not work for us?

[Staci K]

Hi Delila;

Although I'm no longer in the closet, back when I was in the closet I think it was extreme phobia of being ridiculed.

For myself, I grew up with epilepsy and seizures. The teasing and ridicule over something I had no control over was horrible. Once becoming seizure-free, coming out of the closet was very much like stepping back into that spotlight exposing myself for more teasing and ridicule - only this time it was over something I had control over. While yes, I have no control over the urges to dress, that's just part of my make-up and will never change; I do have control of showing my femme self to the outside world.

It finally took a near death bout with necrotizing pancreatitis to open my eyes to live my life completely for me and to hell with whoever doesn't agree. I now live by the old addages, "Those that care (about me), don't mind; and those mind don't care (about me)."

Life is far too short to live for anyone but yourself and those you care about. Don't waste your life living to please the general public.

Nicole

[Delila]

Hi Delila;

Although I'm no longer in the closet, back when I was in the closet I think it was extreme phobia of being ridiculed.

For myself, I grew up with epilepsy and seizures. The teasing and ridicule over something I had no control over was horrible. Once becoming seizure-free, coming out of the closet was very much like stepping back into that spotlight exposing myself for more teasing and ridicule - only this time it was over something I had control over. While yes, I have no control over the urges to dress, that's just part of my make-up and will never change; I do have control of showing my femme self to the outside world.

It finally took a near death bout with necrotizing pancreatitis to open my eyes to live my life completely for me and to hell with whoever doesn't agree. I now live by the old addages, "Those that care (about me), don't mind; and those mind don't care (about me)."

Life is far too short to live for anyone but yourself and those you care about. Don't waste your life living to please the general public.

Nicole

Do you have a significant other? Sorry if it is a personal question but I often think the reason that I don't come fully out is to protect my wife. This may just be an excuse but sadly it is also an accurate one. I feel as though I have live my entire life keeping a major secret and really coming out risks the exposure of my wife too.

[Stacey Summer]

There are as many reasons for not coming out as there are people unwilling or afraid to do so. As for myself there are a couple of main reasons. The first being to protect my family, the ridicule and taunts that my SO and Daughter would suffer from what is becoming a large segment of society are not something I'm willing to risk. The other is for employment reasons, while there are laws in place that would protect me from being fired, should it get back to my colleagues they could and some WOULD make my work life hell. I have been very selective with those I have told and so far they have been accepting but then I'm a very good judge of character and I chose them for that reason.

[Tracy - new dresser]

im also asking myself this constantly, my biggest fear is being found out but my biggest wish is to go out..

[Miriam-J]

I've learned from this forum that there are many places, jobs, friends, and family that will be supportive of me even if I'm dressed publicly. But there are quite enough that would not be, especially in a conservative industry and a small midwest city, and I couldn't think of imposing it on a teenage son who's already confused enough about life. Besides, I still very much enjoy being a guy most of the time.

Miriam

[Joanne f]

Fear is a natural instinct when you face the unknown and the trick is to conquer that fear yet stay in reality and understand your concerns that are causing that fear and deal with those in a sensible way , you are right in that most people will be just like you and ignore others how ever they are dressed and i would also agree in that the more who are open with it the more it should become accepted but you are always going to get someone who wants to pick on someone different whether it be cross dressing or a different football team you just have to try and aviod those .

[Beth Mays]

For me the more I come out as a CD it seems that my fear was just not real. Some people have no realistic understanding of what a "Crossdresser" is. I have been ask if I preform on stage (drag queen) if I have a medical reason, and many other questions. seems that people can fear what they do not ubderstand... and that can apply to us as well... fear of where this may end up

[kimdl93]

I would agree that our biggest fears are often unfounded - that people, generally, can be surprisingly accepting. But each of us has to make that appraisal for herself - since we also know that some individuals, some employers, perhaps even some communities can be extremely hostile to us.

As for gaining acceptance, I think we're doing that. Think of the many people on this site who go out every day and really make a positive impression on the people they meet, Kathi and TXKimberly are two great examples. (And there are many others - you know them if you've been here a while) They educate the people they encounter by demonstrating that CDrs are friendly, considerate, productive, everyday people. It takes time, but I sincerely believe that we're making progress.

[linda allen]

"Why do we fear being found out?"

Lots of reasons have already been covered. To protect our family, to protect our jobs, to protect our reputations, etc.

Crossdressers are viewed by much of the public as "freaks" or something funny. There have been a few TV shows (comedies) where men have dressed and lived as women to get a place to live, to get a job, etc. Enough of the public has found this idea funny enough that the shows were sucessfull.

Some of us are in a position to say "I don't care what anyone thinks, I'll do what I want to do." The rest of us have to live within society's expectations for one reason or another.

Some of us want to retain the option to switch back and forth, to maintain a "normal" male image, while others do not care about this and can take crossdressing to the next level.

[Ressie]

I don't want to deal with the reactions from family, employers and long time friends. I don't have the desire to dress publicly anyway. I'm not as afraid of being discovered as I used to be, but just don't see a good reason to tell everyone "I'm a crossdresser".

[STACY B]

I would agree that our biggest fears are often unfounded - that people, generally, can be surprisingly accepting. But each of us has to make that appraisal for herself - since we also know that some individuals, some employers, perhaps even some communities can be extremely hostile to us.

As for gaining acceptance, I think we're doing that. Think of the many people on this site who go out every day and really make a positive impression on the people they meet, Kathi and TXKimberly are two great examples. (And there are many others - you know them if you've been here a while) They educate the people they encounter by demonstrating that CDrs are friendly, considerate, productive, everyday people. It takes time, but I sincerely believe that we're making progress. There is not any right way an wrong way to do this stuff . Just do what you feel comfortable with , But be real careful cuz as soon as let your gaurd down ,,,, BAM ,,,, The door will fling open an yull be caught with your PANTYS down or ON I meen .

[Stephanie47]

No matter what some people say to your face, they will say the opposite behind your back! It does not matter what the issue may be. If you're not "one of us", then they really do not want to interact with you. Just figure out who your circle of friends are. I'm in my sixties and have been excluded from joining circles because of numerous discriminatory practices or bias behavior that has nothing to do with cross dressing. People have the tendency to join groups that are mutually accepting of each other. Cross dressing by its nature tends to fall outside 'acceptable behavior.'

[Karren H]

I was pretty fearless figuring that I would just handle that bridge when I got to it. Which I did when I was discovered.... Looking back I should have been more fearful! Fearlessness breads sloppiness! Lol. On the other hand (beside 5 fingers).... A little fear is a good thing. Keeps you grounded and aware of your situation... Safe.... How you handle that fear is what's more importanty.

[Ally 2112]

I have gotten braver about my cding but almost to the point where no one still notices I think ? lol .Baby steps yes baby steps .Oh and i have been doing this for about 30 yrs

[prettytoes]

My fear is being looked down on by people, especially by those that mean the most to me. I have 2 daughters that are grown and out of the house. Last night I was helping my younger daughter hang some things in her home (she lives alone), and she commented "I'm gonna get a husband that knows how to do all this stuff and can fix anything, just like you!". I really couldn't picture her saying "I'm gonna get a husband that knows how to apply mascara and likes to wear panties and skirts, just like you!".
I am self employed, and I feel it would surely hinder my business. I remember a girl where I used to work refering to a guy (he was a very hard and talented worker) as a "pervert", with a very hateful tone, because when he bent over one time she could see that he was wearing women's panties. He was judged right there and then, even though he was a good employee, and laid off shortly after.
I wish it wasn't this way...I would be much more comfortable on a hot summer day in a short skirt than I am in shorts, but that will never happen. We are ridiculed...just go to peopleofwalmart.com and you will see that we can be the butt of many jokes.
I am not prepared to place that kind of burdon on my wife and family, as well as myself and my business. My wife knows, and one of her biggest concerns is that someone may find out. I just keep it at home, or where no one else can see...everyone is happier that way. I am very contented to dress behind closed doors; I see no need to go out as I could never pass.

[Nikki A.]

The reason I haven't fully come out is to protect my family and career. It was a compromise with my wife not to go public. After she passed away, that restriction was lifted, but I still am careful because of my kids and my job. My kids will find out soon, since I'm tired of hiding it although I do think they already know.
As far as work. I'm lucky in that I live far enough away that it shouldn't be an issue in that I usually dress and head in the other direction. There are a few people that I work with that do know Nikki and have been out with her. However if I leave here (and I have twice before), I'm more worried that I could lose my fall-back job which is closer to home and a little more red-neck if they find out. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. A few more years & maybe I'll be close enough to retire or hit the lottery.

[Miranda G]

My main couple of reasons are about being beaten up and my immediate family finding out.

The first one is because I'm not exactly noted as a hard man or particularly fearsome looking even in guy mode so would really like to avoid any situation that gives rise to a potential lamping. I don't exactly live in Bedford Falls so even if it wasn't on street, I'd be worried about people coming round to give me stick at my flat.

The second one is not because I'm worried they'll disown me or anything; I know they wouldn't as they're great and have always supported me in everything and never pressured me or been anything less than wonderful to me. The problem here is me. It would make me self-concsious around them, even if they never saw me as Miranda. Just the mention of something trans related on the telly or something would make me feel awkward in their company. In truth I'm also probably a little embarrased about it. I'm quite a guy's guy in many ways, and am thought of like this by them in the son/brother role, that to have to confess that actually I'm not quite all that then I just wouldn't be able to look them in the eye whilst doing it.

It seems that self-acceptance is fine when it's just yourself you're asking to accept. My aim though is to hopefully live with it as an open secret within my circle of friends in next couple of years. I won't advertise it but won't hide it either. As long as none of them tell my Mum or kick me senseless then I'm golden!

[Staci K]

Do you have a significant other? Sorry if it is a personal question but I often think the reason that I don't come fully out is to protect my wife. This may just be an excuse but sadly it is also an accurate one. I feel as though I have live my entire life keeping a major secret and really coming out risks the exposure of my wife too.

No worries, I don't think of it as a personal question. To answer, yes. I've been with my wife for 20 years. The first 15 I kept Nicole a deeply hidden secret. I had grown to toxic level hatred of everything in my life because I couldn't be me. I reached a point that I didn't care if she didn't accept me or divorced me; my self-happiness was far more important. Thankfully, I was met with, "OK; so go put on a skirt. I don't care, it's only clothes." when I came out to her.

I'm pretty much an open book, feel free to PM me with any other questions you have.

Nicole