The Incremental approach versus full on immersion.

[Kelsy]

There has, at times, been a tension between those who have decided to step out as the women they are with little actual transitional time and those who ease into the change via “baby steps” I am sure that there are many variations on the methods we use when it comes to transition but what kind of outcomes are there in relation to which approach is taken?

Personally I have been taking concrete and serious steps toward my ultimate goal and my circumstances are dictating the speed in which I travel. I am beginning to see things change because of the changes I have been initiating . I am being seen as female by some and that has been occurring with more frequency.

Sometimes I get concerned with the time line the is out in front of me only because I am not getting any younger but I have read of transitions taking anywhere from one to four or five years. I have always been a very cautious person but most aspects of transitioning take me way outside of my comfort zone! Once a new step is taken I tend to go through an evaluation stage to get my bearings and to deal with any accumulated emotional baggage that I have picked up before moving on. I don’t see this as a recipe for failure but a way for me to put solid experience under my belt and gain the confidence to continue. If I just walked out of the door one day to live full time without it I can guarantee that I would fail.

The other opinion being that It is really impossible to gain any real understanding until the big step is taken and I can appreciate that. It is all a process of growth to me.

Is any one approach more successful that another? What is your experience?

Kelsy

[Michelle.M]

It's called "transition" for a reason. It's incremental, but the rate of those incremental steps varies with each person.

And yes, it IS scary! So is living in the wrong body. You'll make mistakes, just as in life in general. Learn from those mistakes, develop a thick skin and friendships and get after it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It's a great observation.

My own experience is the more you draw it out, the less likely you will ever finish it.
Sometimes i guess thats good...if HRT allows you to feel good about yourself then why blow up your life?

I don't think its right to say you are not transsexual if you go the route of muddling along as a guy...we suffer from a crisis of identity...i've lived through the cure.. i look at it that you can "cure" it, or you can treat it...they are so totally different and they impact your quality of life in different ways....and if you choose to treat it, there is a strong chance you will ultimately need the cure...(and maybe feel its too late...what a horrible fate, to realize 20 years later that you regret not transitioning)

also you have to define transition..i'm defining it as living a 100% woman's life, with no exception, with no compromise.
srs and ffs are not neccessary to transition...they are quality of life choices that we can make as women..
However, in my experience, the less inclined you are to have these surgeries, the less likely you are to finish a successful transition..

A good experience i can share is my therapy group specifically for transitioning ts women....there are about 30 people in it, with about a dozen always active when i started... when i started, there was one transitioner. i'll never forget the comment she made when asked by our therapist what she got out of it...she said simply..."i got rid of the dysphoria"...

the rest of the 3 hours was spent by people whining about what they "couldn't do", we had topics like "discuss your fears about transition", and "why can't i get started"and "surgery fear".....it was horrible...this went on for years,
people came and went...and 3 years later, i left...in the three years, every person that transitioned stopped coming, or only came to share experience when asked..
i finally left the group, others have been there for 10 years +..

This conversation will always be controversial because many TS women know how brutal it was to transition, and how desperate they felt beforehand, and have no time for folks that aren't serious...and there are tons of dreamers and wannabe people that want to "go all the way", and make up all types of excuses...it can be very irritating to hear these folks, and i say that with honesty and no judgement...it just is hard to listen to somebody whine about how they can't transition when you have been through it..

so i would not be surprised if you get alot of comments that if you are serious you will just do it... but being smart and transitioning well are important..and being cautious about doing it well is totally different than dreaming about being feminine all day every day...just don't make the mistake of being a lifetime transitioning ts...

[Kelsy]

just don't make the mistake of being a lifetime transitioning ts...

I started transition at the end of March last year but it feels like light years ago and I get plenty frustrated. I was a desperate closeted individual less than a year ago. Since then I have been working my plan to get through this maze and the results are actually out running me! I am out to nearly everyone with the exception of my customers and only because earning money is vitally important. I am being seen as female when dressed as male I can no longer cover or hide but what really has changed is I really don't want to. I am less and less concerned with what others think, it doesn't matter. FFS has always been part of my 24/7 plan ( on the list for this year.) but I may be there before that happens. I still have alot of money to save and that is the only drag on my progress there is.! Career changes and money are big obstacles but not insurmountable.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Kelsy,

You transition on your own terms.
With that said there are many that use the incremental approach as an excuse to never transition instead using excuses as to why they cannot move forward and using past baby steps as fodder for the arguments with others stating that they actually made some progress.

Please Kelsy do not think I am speaking of you because I'm not.

My own transition took close to six years.
My first attempt was in the summer of 2001 when I was 35.
I received a death threat and as a result I recoiled back into the closet until December of 2006 when I successfully transitioned to full time.
In Helena Montana one has to be careful concerning things like transition.

Kelsy, your own path to full time lays before you. The speed that you take that path is up to you.
Very few actually do transition.
Only you know if you have it within you to do so.
I'll be right here pushing you and supporting your efforts to do so.


Julia

[Katesback]

Katlin I dare say that is one of the harshest posts you have ever written. I think you are becomming an holyier than thou post-op. Yes thats it your better than everyone else. LOL I am just kidding. You know something dear Frances said this in another post "experience has no value in the trans community".

You know something when I was in law enforcement there was three people that the use of forces what often needed. People that were drunk, high, or insane (mental).
The reason you had to use force all too often was they dont have the abilty to reason.

After having worked with countless trans people. Some of which were Psychyatrists MD (who was no better off than the rest of the nut cases). I came to realize that for the overwelming majority of the trans community cannot be helped. You cannot reason with a bug (nut case). You just cant.

So that leaves an extremely small group (often seen by the rest as elitest) that are really serious. The rest I gave up on. They can go wallow in the support groups for 16 years talking about whatever steps they have made but then immediately bitch about life. They can become activists and try to convince the world that you can be a woman with a penis between your legs. They can get an orchie and tell the trans community they had Sexual reasignment surgery. LOL. They can play thier video games and be a woman in thier role playing games. They can even in thier circle of tranny friends complain about why some of the girls stop comming to the groups (LOL those are the few serious ones and I doubt they realize it).

They can go on for years using excuses. My favorite excuse and I have seen it countless times is the one "you dont live the same life as I do". Or the "my situation is special" LOL same thing. Just an excuse. In reality theres nothing unique from one of us to another. The story is always the same. Its just that a very small few say hell with it I am going to do what I have to to be me.


And you know something Katlin the serious girls can easily figure out who on here is real and you like me have actually talked to each other. I have talked to several others on here. If I had to guess every one of them would say I am reasonably nice. Now throw in the rest of the people here. The ones that dont agree with me or realize I am right but dont want to accept it. What do they do? LOL they do the age old thing and that is to try to discredit me. I have even been called a bitch by some fruitcake that has a avitar pic of some girl with claws. Mind you its just a fake picture. The irony is that when you know what your talking about you can sit back and laugh at the people that put you down because they still have a penis between thier legs and I dont!






It's a great observation.

My own experience is the more you draw it out, the less likely you will ever finish it.
Sometimes i guess thats good...if HRT allows you to feel good about yourself then why blow up your life?

I don't think its right to say you are not transsexual if you go the route of muddling along as a guy...we suffer from a crisis of identity...i've lived through the cure.. i look at it that you can "cure" it, or you can treat it...they are so totally different and they impact your quality of life in different ways....and if you choose to treat it, there is a strong chance you will ultimately need the cure...(and maybe feel its too late...what a horrible fate, to realize 20 years later that you regret not transitioning)

also you have to define transition..i'm defining it as living a 100% woman's life, with no exception, with no compromise.
srs and ffs are not neccessary to transition...they are quality of life choices that we can make as women..
However, in my experience, the less inclined you are to have these surgeries, the less likely you are to finish a successful transition..

A good experience i can share is my therapy group specifically for transitioning ts women....there are about 30 people in it, with about a dozen always active when i started... when i started, there was one transitioner. i'll never forget the comment she made when asked by our therapist what she got out of it...she said simply..."i got rid of the dysphoria"...

the rest of the 3 hours was spent by people whining about what they "couldn't do", we had topics like "discuss your fears about transition", and "why can't i get started"and "surgery fear".....it was horrible...this went on for years,
people came and went...and 3 years later, i left...in the three years, every person that transitioned stopped coming, or only came to share experience when asked..
i finally left the group, others have been there for 10 years +..

This conversation will always be controversial because many TS women know how brutal it was to transition, and how desperate they felt beforehand, and have no time for folks that aren't serious...and there are tons of dreamers and wannabe people that want to "go all the way", and make up all types of excuses...it can be very irritating to hear these folks, and i say that with honesty and no judgement...it just is hard to listen to somebody whine about how they can't transition when you have been through it..

so i would not be surprised if you get alot of comments that if you are serious you will just do it... but being smart and transitioning well are important..and being cautious about doing it well is totally different than dreaming about being feminine all day every day...just don't make the mistake of being a lifetime transitioning ts...

[Jorja]

It would be nice if we were all independently wealthy, single, and had no previous commitments to honor so that we could just jump right into transition without any external concerns or conflicts. Unfortunately, that is never the case for the majority of us.

For me, I was at a point in my life where there was a lull. I had just been discharged from the military and did not have a job lined up or a wife and family to support. I had a lot of money saved back because I knew this was what I wanted and needed. I was able to jump in and go for it. That was nearly 40 years ago so jumping right in wasn’t quite what it is today.

I have known both those that have taken “baby steps” to the point of doing nothing to move forward and those that have just jumped in and gone for it. I would say that there are many more that come from the “baby step” camp that have had a bad go if it. That is not to say that those that jump right in don’t have their fair share of casualties.

Honestly, I don’t think it matters which option you choose. It is more about mental and physical preparedness, desire, wants and needs of the individual. Just like anything else in life, if you want it or need it bad enough, you will find a way to get it even if it takes a lifetime.

[Kelsy]

Well, Points well taken! Transition is not a game for sure. Personally I don't want to be in this hell and I sure don't want the hell I was in and I will move forward regardless of the sh** thrown my way and it's not driven by some false notion of the fairy princess I will become! I don't have access to a support group but I did have experience with AA and there were many who's lives were saved and then there were the people who got stuck at meetings for the rest of their lives. Maybe a support group is not something I'd care to be part of I don't know but for better or worse this forum, my shrink, my wife and a few friends is the support I have. I'm not kidding myself and I am walking this road with minimal assistance and where it goes is on me. But don't try and take my dignity and my self respect. I respect and listen to experience even experience delivered with a hammer because It's all true. The further I go the truer it gets. My hope is that beyond this, life can be normal, not to much to ask is it??

[Stephanie-L]

Kelsy, like you I am going the incremental approach, mostly due to external things, like my marriage, carreer, etc. Since my marriage is probably going to end soon, that will hopefully speed some stuff up, but I still have to deal with the work issue, it is rather hard to do anything without an income. As you have noticed, some changes seem to happen incredibly fast, and others seem to be extremely slow and all I want to do is push. I will agree that there are some in the trans community who are stuck and unwilling or unable to go any further, but I disagree with some of the people who post here that lump everyone who does not jump into transition and do it their way into the camp with the dreamers or frauds. Yes, you do really need a thick skin to deal with the general population, and sometimes to deal with some of the "experts" here. I have never gone the support group route, but I have had a lot of help from individual counselling, and it does help, in fact it has helped me speed a lot of things up as I grow to know myself better. Good luck to you..........Stephanie

[Inna]

"I my own view" and I stress on MY OWN, no single approach is better then any other! Transition from living life as male to living full time as female brings on set of obstacles never considered before the commitment to transition. Almost as though stepping of the cliff blindfolded and hoping for a soft landing. As I had found out, there is really never any cliff to start with nor soft landing, but the fall becomes pleasantly freeing and we accustomed to it. There was never a solid ground ever before but we were conditioned like any other trans or NORMAL? to feel the comfort of supposed reality and security within it. Societal pressures aside our own psyche isn't any easier on our selves, doubts, grief, resentment, guilt, fear all make the journey brilliantly terrifying, but at the same time, exquisitely gratifying for an experience of SELF and wholeness of body and mind.

For me, this experience had brought me to my knees, stripped me from pretentious false facade of self, standing naked of reason, void of wisdom I tooled, I became child once again, but this time the theme was different, no longer toys and false deities were my satisfaction, but TRUTH became the light and within it love became my path.

One fact remains unbroken, and my saving grace, whenever in doubt, I look back to the life gone by in the distance and see misery, deceit and lie and a broken pretentious male, thick and harsh, discontent and bitter........ Such gives me unmistakable proof of truth in my newly found path.