Is this dysphoria?

[Asako]

I've never really asked myself if what I felt was depression or dysphoria. I'm trying to figure out the myriad of emotions that I've felt over the last two weeks. So, I'll try to start with how I've felt. Emotionally, for the last few weeks, I've been up and down.

When I'm up, I'm happy and positive. I actually SMILE at times that don't involve something humorous. I'm just smiling because I'm HAPPY about something. I haven't really done that in years. When I'm up and happy, I'm able to do what actually needs to be done at work AND home.

Then, there's the downs. When these hit me, I become a sad, depressed, lethargic, insomniac with no drive or urgency on anything. I close off from those around me. I become socially withdrawn, for the most part. I start to avoid lots of things. At times, it feels like my heart is weighed down. Other times, like now, I feel weightless and emotionally dead. When it comes to sleep, I go from 7-9 hours a night down to 4-5 hours a night. Heck, I should be asleep right now instead of clacking away at the keyboard. The best way I can describe how these feel is how I felt back in November. In November, my mind was starting to crack under the stress, depression, and anxiety.

The better the ups, the worse the downs. I've left a lot out on the specifics of how I handle things during both sides of the coin. I'm starting to wonder if my therapist was right with her suggestion of anti-depressants.

That would unlock a number of questions that would require answers. Especially when it would come to explaining that I would be on them to my boss.

Now, what causes these ups and down for me?

The ups are brought about by being true to myself. This involves a number of things. "Dressing" in any sense brings me closer to a physical presentation that brings me closer to who I really am inside. My new-found WIP voice furthers these feelings. Then, add in the weight and feel of the forms with the rest and you've got a semi-happy person who can actually give a genuine smile for the first time in years.

Side note:Honestly, I despise my forms for not being real. They're about as "real" as the lie I've lived for 25 years. Yes, they do "help" but I would much rather have the real McCoy than something that isn't a part of my actual body.

The downs are brought on when I go to work. When I pretend to be a person I'm not for the sake of others. When I say or do things more out of habitual response than conscious thought. Every time I hear "sir" while taking a customer's order. Every time I see the hair on my arms is coming back. When I have to shave. When I don't feel a bra against my skin. When I feel my voice rumble in my chest. When I catch my reflection in a mirror. Every time I hear my name called out.

After re-reading the ups and downs, I realized that I have very little that puts a smile on my face and makes me happy. How sad is that? So, I come back to my question. Is this dysphoria?

If it is, then screw my finances. I may make near minimum wage but I will make this work as long as I can while looking for a better job as I work towards my GED. If need be, I will give up every last thing to make this work out so I can finally move on and live happily as myself.

[Myojine]

you should message me on MSN(i added you)
Alot of what youre describing is just like me.
Would you mind chatting on a 1to1 basis? i think a few things could be figured out better if you went "case by case"

[Kristy_K]

Hi Asko,

You sound so young. Only to be that young and know what I know now.

I don't know if you would have to tell boss about taking anti-depressants. I guess it would depend on how the affected you.They could help but if it is gender dysphoria then who knows how long it will help. I was on anti-depressants for years and even ended up on two different ones at the same time and it still wasn't helping me. The way you talk about everything reminds me of myself. Always putting on a show and doing and saying what other people expected to hear. I was living a life of lies in my mind. And all you talk about is the female in you.

Have you talk to your therapist about your true feelings and what you are really thinking about. If you can't than you need to find a different therapist that you can be 100% honest with. The right one can be very helpful to you.

Even so you remind me of myself so much everyone is different.
I myself finally said screw it and transition no matter what anyone thought. I knew it wouldn't be cheap but I didn't know it would be this expensive either. Nor did I know you have to jump through all of these hoops to get what I need from them.

Now since I have transition I don't take any kind of anti-depressants any more. I don't stop smiling any more either. I don't have much money any more either but I am happier than I ever had been before in my life. I look forward to living next week and even next year. Money doesn't buy happiness either.

Good luck and a big hug,
Kristy

[Kirsty_D]

Asako,

I also have some very black moments when the wall's are closing in suffocating me. A feeling of total helplessness and being trapped and tormented by unseen forces. These black periods come and go. When I was in my early teens the black times were so bad, so confusing and I was so isolated that self harm, cutting of the bit's that drove this madness or even suicide seemed an option. I managed to get through this time with nobody to talk to, with no help but just sheer luck. These periods drove me to total madness, totally irrational behavior, I'll never say what I did but I've done a lot of bad things. Driven as it were with a demon on my back.

In my twenty's and through my thirties I found solace in Eastern philosophies. The desire for self harm and the occasional thoughts of suicide still came up, the demons were still there but with a belief that 'my problems, where my problems alone'. That they were my battle to fight, my problems to resolve and that suicide would not cure anything but only restart the circle of life again in a worse position kept me together.

You see, I grew up in a very small town in the North of Scotland, to be different was to be ridiculed to be gay was to be outcast. Scotland is where Men are Men and sheep are nervous. A land of hard drinkers, fighters and most of all Mens' men! and a queer wee boy who wanted to be a girl would not fit into the grand scheme of things. There never was anybody I could ever tell, there was no place to go, no safe harbor. Even the nearest large towns offered nothing, just a sea of rampant testosterone. At least this is how I perceived it at the time, I'm sure in reality it wasn't quite this bad but the fear of being found out tortured me.

Now, I live on a totally different continent in a society and culture totally different to what I grew up in. I have a wonderful family but the black times still come. When I found this forum last week I was in one of those such black moments, sinking deeper into a hole that I though I might never recover from. As a 40 something adult I still have these desires, I still do terrible things and the demons drive me to the edge of insanity. I always new I was not alone in these feelings but the change in me in a week since I started reading here is strange. I can't quite begin to describe it but being able to talk about these things with others who are like you, experienced similar issues to you is enlightening. The weight of guilt, inadequacy and feelings of insecurity seems to have lifted from my body.

For almost 44 years I've looked in the mirror and not recognized the person looking back at me. However, that person is me, I've just become more used to him though I don't like what I see,

My journey should of started when I was 13, when my parents asked me if I wanted some 'girl's' clothes for my Christmas… It was the early 80's and I suspect my parents thought it was a good way to broach the subject, The Empire catalogue open and pointing to some clothes, do you like that or how about this???? I did what any self respecting male would have done in his gender stereotype, stamped my feet, threw a huff and screened "What do you think I am!" I had another opportunity when I was 21. I had been seeing a psychiatrist for ED and after several sessions I knew he was not going to cure my ED based upon the information I had given him so at the next session I decided to tell him the truth… I dressed in woman's clothes and wanted to be a woman… I was quickly referred to a specialist on this subject but it was quite obvious after our first meeting that I was not ready for the consequences… I never went back and another opportunity was missed.

All the time I felt I was some sicko, dirty pervert who had no right to live, but I have endured through the up's and the downs.

Never feel that you are alone, there will always be somebody here to talk to you.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Asako,

It certainly sounds as if you are depressed brought about by GID.
Before transition I attempted to suppress my GID by being a trail runner in Montana.
I would run an average of 55 miles a week in the mountains in a futile attempt to run from myself.

This worked for a couple of years but eventually it failed to keep my thoughts of transition out of my daily conscious thoughts.

Keep working towards your goal Asako.
You'll make it if you keep working at it.



Julia

[Asako]

You sound so young. Only to be that young and know what I know now.I'm not quite a spring chicken anymore but I will be 26 soon. So, in a way, I'm still young but it certainly doesn't feel like it any more.



I guess it would depend on how the affected you.They could help but if it is gender dysphoria then who knows how long it will help. I was on anti-depressants for years and even ended up on two different ones at the same time and it still wasn't helping me.In other words, it would be like treating the symptom instead of the cause of the symptom.


The way you talk about everything reminds me of myself. Always putting on a show and doing and saying what other people expected to hear. I was living a life of lies in my mind. And all you talk about is the female in you.Not all of my life is a lie. Almost all of it is a lie but not all. The biggest lie would be the one that I was telling myself before pursuing medical help: I was happy.


Have you talk to your therapist about your true feelings and what you are really thinking about. If you can't than you need to find a different therapist that you can be 100% honest with. The right one can be very helpful to you.We are open with each other. My plan, and not a very good one, is to broach the subject of HRT and see if I can get a damn letter. It's been 6 sessions since I started seeing her. By now, I can only hope she's seen enough to write that letter.



I myself finally said screw it and transition no matter what anyone thought. I knew it wouldn't be cheap but I didn't know it would be this expensive either. Nor did I know you have to jump through all of these hoops to get what I need from them.Basically, that is where I am sitting. That's also what I'm figuring out.


I don't stop smiling any more eitherI wish I could say the same.




@Julia:Unless I'm in the thick of a big lunch/afternoon rush, transition is the most common of subjects on my mind. As for how I "run from transition thoughts", from time to time, I'll either spend the majority of the day with my friends or bury my mind in a game. It's always easier to ignore those thoughts if I'm distracted by someone or some thing. The early hours of the morning tend to come around and so, I head home only to find that the thoughts have returned with a vengeance and that they are keeping me awake.

[*Vanessa*]

Hi Asako
Is this dysphoria? "It's always easier to ignore those thoughts if I'm distracted..." << Sounds like you answered you own question Asako.
Be as happy as you can be.

[Bree-asaurus]

Hi Asako
Is this dysphoria? "It's always easier to ignore those thoughts if I'm distracted..." << Sounds like you answered you own question Asako.
Be as happy as you can be.

Yeah... that sounds like a good 20-25 years of my life...

[Kerstin]

Remember that hiding who we truly are inside is like carrying around an ever-glowing ember. Wherever we are, whatever we do, it'll continue to burn. Only when we release it will we be free of the pain.

[Anna Lorree]

Sounds pretty familiar. I typically don't get depression though, for me it is anxiety. But yeah, TGism and being more femme occupy my mind whenever I'm not heavliy occupied with some other thought. I never called it gender dysphoria until about a month ago, but that's what it is for me. Dressing helps to relieve it a little bit, but like you I hate having to wear forms to complete a feminine illusion. They are a lie, just like saying I am a manly man is a lie. But even dressing isn't a solution, as I don't live 24/7. This topic was the root of yesterday's therapy session for me.

Like you, as I have come to accept my femme self, I have come to loathe my job. I work in a fire department full of Type-A personalities and men who Cross-Fit. Back when I was convinced I could beat being TG and bury it, I loved my job. Not anymore, but I am stuck because I have a family to support. I often feel trapped by circumstances.

Anna