Is there balance?

[missyatl]

I'm interested to know if any of you have found a balance in dressing. I picture a scale of 1 to 10, 1 is totally male and 10 is totally en femme. Where and what is a balance? A compromise?

I dress in male clothing for work but like to change when I get home. The wife says she wants me to dress male more often (right now it's never). So sometimes instead of wearing a skirt I'll go with jeans or leggings. Her point is that it's still "womens".

So my desire is to find a balance, is it possible to mix mens/womens? When I have my wife says they don't mix (IE: womens jeans and mans shirt). I don't mind perhaps wearing all male one or two days a week (just an example). I just don't want to cut out the womens all together. I like having a little femininity to my wardrobe (perfume, jeans, underwear, cami, etc).

Thank you for your input!!

[suchacutie]

For me the balance is the time mixture of "1" and "10". I really don't want to mix my gendered selves. We enjoy the vast differences between ourselves. I do wear women's jeans but that's because they fit better and my wife prefers the look. I wear panties most of the time because I can't tuck with male underwear (ever try not tucking in real tight low-rise jeans???).

:)

[kimdl93]

I would say that you won't find a balance point anywhere on that 1 - 10 continuum until you and your wife have reached some degree of consensus on what she can accept. That may even prove to be a moving point over time. That's ok....life is about growth and movement.

It seems her objection is more to the fact that you're wearing womens' clothes than to the particular garment. You need to talk long and hard about what she fears, what she finds offensive, and how you might reconcile your desires with her concerns.

[BRANDYJ]

You may not like my answer Missyatl, but the dressing more then your wife wants you to or can tolerate can be the biggest mistake you ever make with her. I read some of your earlier posts and see you came out to her only a month of so ago. In my opinion, you are pushing things and her acceptance can do a 180 real fast. She married a man and still wants a man. Keep your need or desire to dress out of her sight for now. ( or at least very minimal for now) She needs time to adjust and see that she has not lost her husband and that you are still all the man she thought she married. I see what you are doing can and most likely will push her away in short notice. You made something that has been an issue wiht you and now have made it an issue for her to deal with also. She needs time and I'm afraid you are not giving it to her or respecting her emotions and feelings at this time. I wish you well.

[Elle1946]

When I shop, I shop sides of the store, women's or men's. If it comes from the women's side no matter what it is women's cloths and likewise the same for men's. Lucky for me my wife has no preference to what I wear. What I wear and when depends on the mood that I am in, at the time that I dress.

[Marleena]

The balance is what the two of you agree to. She is not happy. You need to fix that before it gets worse. Time to talk to her and find out what is acceptable.:)

[Katesback]

If I was your wife I would be fileing the divorce papers. Assuming I (in place of her) had no idea about your little hobby and you dropped it on me after we were married. I am sorry but if I were to marry a man I want a man! I do not want someone dressed like a gay guy wearing a mix of womens and mens clothes. I do not want a man that dresses as a woman. I want a man as defined by the society we live in.

Your totally entitled to be whatever you want to be even to the point of dressing like a gender screw, but I as your wife have every right to say I am out because thats not what I married you for. If I wanted a woman I would be a lesbian. If I want a girlfriend I will go find a real woman and become friends with her. My husband is not a girfriend and cannot be. The thing between your legs makes that impossible.

Katie

[Karren H]

My wife imparts balance into my life... Whether I want it or not!

[Tracy]

My wife has known who I am completely since day one, I didn't want to have the same experience as prior relationships. It was never an issue she had to understand or get use to... she was said "Is that it?". She didn't care at all. At first I maintained fairly masculine (1-2) attire while around her teenage children, now years later I dress how I feel I should (8-9) all the time. She gets kind of annoyed when I dress in mens clothing because they don't look right and it's not who I am, but sometimes it's needed in this small community. It also helps that she is more of a tom-boy and prefers male attire. We have a wonderful relationship. :)

[kendra_gurl]

missy that balance your seeking can only come from you. From what it seem to me you are confusing the term balance with blending your genders. I doubt that wil ever be cool with your wife.

For me I find the balance is being my total normal male self every single day. Then a few nights a week ( once some weeks 3 times some weeks) I totally transform myself into Kendra

Complete with makeup wigs eyelashes nails and created cleavage. Everything it takes for me to really feel I am my feminine counterpart.

I just do not understand how mixing only clothing ( female jeans and a mans shirt) can allow you to express your feminine side enough to off set the emotions your putting on your wife.

I'd suggest you ask yourself when you do come home and slip on a pair of womens jeans or leggings, What am I really getting out of this and at what cost to my relationship with her?

[helena.gcd]

i'm one of those who don't seek for balance, at least in clothes: i'm dressed totally enfemme or totally male.

[ReineD]

A compromise?

I dress in male clothing for work but like to change when I get home. The wife says she wants me to dress male more often (right now it's never).

Your wife doesn't see you when you're at work, so if you're looking for a compromise with her, I'd only take into account the time outside of work when you are together. Would you both be OK with all men's clothes 50% of the time you are together, and the other 50% would be at your discretion as to whether or not you want to wear one piece of woman's clothing, or go all out femme? This seems fair, if you're not planning to transition and you have a male as well as a female identity.

My SO has found a balance, but this is mostly internal. He/she knows that we live in a world that looks askance at men who walk around wearing one or two items of women's clothing, so this does not interest her. She prefers to fully present female when she goes out and he also is interested in preserving his male identity. So she goes out as often as she can (it works out to an average of twice per week ... his schedule is quite full). She's not all that interested in dressing femme when she's home alone any more, not since she's been going out in the mainstream on a regular basis. She began doing this about 4-5 years ago. On occasion, if I haven't seen her for awhile, I'll suggest an evening home dressed, but I get the impression this is more trouble than it's worth. I take it that she doesn't need the clothes in order to experience feeling like herself. In other words, my SO is the same person whether dressed or not, if this is the sort of balance you're seeking.


... oh, and if I were your wife, I wouldn't serve you with divorce papers. :p I'd see if there was some way we could compromise first. :rolleyes:

[missyatl]

Reine, you've said it best. For me, I don't identify as a woman, I'm a man and always will be. Having said that, I have feminine qualities or a fem side to my personality. I'm now choosing what to wear based on how I feel in that moment, what I think looks good or comfortable. I don't care about labels, I like the clothes I've bought. Sometimes I want to wear a skirt, others jeans. Basically to me its a closet full of clothes and I'll pick up what speaks to me that day, regardless of the label.

I was leaning towards the same thing of some days all mens, some days all womens. I don't feel the need to mix so to speak but I'm still working out what I feel looks good. In my opinion, I do dress fem everyday but some days I dress "less" fem. Meaning jeans not skirt. I felt that was a compromise but I don't feel my wife agree's with that. She's extremely supportive and wants me happy. But like she said "sometimes I miss seeing you dress like a man".

So I think I'll do that, a day or so a week I'll not put on any womens "outter" clothing. I don't want to give up the underwear, they are far more comfortable then my "tighty wighties" ever were. I'm also not sure about the panty hose or cami's, they are so damn comfortable. I'll run it by my wife and we'll see, I'll keep ya posted.

Thank you for your advice everybody, you rock!!

[BRANDYJ]

If I was your wife I would be fileing the divorce papers. Assuming I (in place of her) had no idea about your little hobby and you dropped it on me after we were married. I am sorry but if I were to marry a man I want a man! I do not want someone dressed like a gay guy wearing a mix of womens and mens clothes. I do not want a man that dresses as a woman. I want a man as defined by the society we live in.

Your totally entitled to be whatever you want to be even to the point of dressing like a gender screw, but I as your wife have every right to say I am out because thats not what I married you for. If I wanted a woman I would be a lesbian. If I want a girlfriend I will go find a real woman and become friends with her. My husband is not a girfriend and cannot be. the thing between your legs makes that impossible.

Katie

Every time I read one of your posts Kate, I see things that make me wonder. I wonder if you were ever in love, I mean REALLY in love. I wonder how you can be so cold and say things like you'd walk away, file for a divorce as if you were just changing sheets on a bed. You say you want a man as defined by the society we live in. So tell me, where in the world are you going to find a man that wants you. After all, you are not a woman as defined by by the society we live in. You may be a woman in your eyes and mind, but not to the society you live in. We all have a right to want what we want in the way of a marital partner and this includes you. I want a woman as defined by the society we live in. Guess what that definition is?... FAB. My guess is the "societal" norm for most men, is that we want a Female At Birth. My heart goes out to the majority of TS's that want what you want and understand that it has got to very hard to find since you are not what most men want. What you would do if your man came out to you as a CD is not the norm for those wives that truly love their husbands and don't want to lose the love he gives ot her and the love she has for him. To suggest they just dump him for merely crossdressng as if they have no feelings for him is rather harsh and cold. I get it, you don't like crossdressers and never want one in your life as a partner. But to pass on your cold harsh way for wives to deal with it is not what most GG's would do or even want to hear; as proven by the number of great GG members we have here dealing with the discovery that their man, their love is a CD. Some are scared, some are angry and some are hurt. But they are here trying t understand, accept and find that balance. They are not like you and what you say you would do... run to a lawyer for a divorce.
I hope you never fall in love with a guy and find out he has a thing for woman's clothes or anything that you don't like. The poor sap would not have a chance with you. That's plain to see.
Were's your compassion, your heart, your sense of being fair? After all, you expect him to take you as you are. And you may look like a FAB, feel like a FAB, but you seem to lack the heart of a FAB. Fact is, you are not a FAB. I feel for you Kate. You come across as angry, cold and very judge-mental. I wish you well Kate, but please tone it down and try not to force your views on others as many of your posts do.
I have to agree with Akastina's post and wonder why you are here? After all, most of us are beneath you, or so it reads, and are mere lowly CD's and not what you esculated to be. Why? Well that's easy; most of us are very happy to remain men that happen to be just CD's!

[steffigirl37]

Right-ob Brandyj. I totally agree.

[Miranda-E]

I don't agree with her on a lot of things, but at least kate is honest. Its not the relationship she wants, she packs her stuff and leaves. No baby step mind games only to realize later its tiring.
CD's keep saying they are men, like being men, and only play at looking like females as a hobby, so kate treats them like men (Be careful what you ask for).

As for the all mighty FAB hierarchy here, kates walked the walk and has paid the dues and the government recognises her gender.
To pull out the FAB card is despicable.

[BRANDYJ]

I don't agree with her on a lot of things, but at least kate is honest. Its not the relationship she wants, she packs her stuff and leaves. No baby step mind games only to realize later its tiring.
CD's keep saying they are men, like being men, and only play at looking like females as a hobby, so kate treats them like men (Be careful what you ask for).

As for the all mighty FAB hierarchy here, kates walked the walk and has paid the dues and the government recognises her gender.
To pull out the FAB card is despicable.

You're right, just as despicable as putting CD's down as something less then what she is. No, she has not walked the walk of what our GG members have wiht being married and in an otherwise loving relationship , and that's what this is about.
Besides, there is nothng despicable about being a FAB or a TS, or a TG, or a CD. I respect all

[BRANDYJ]

I
GO SLOW. I know...it's exciting and fabulous, and what you want, and I'm very very happy for you, but take care! Father Time is a great factor here. Once she's had more TIME to process, and you go overboard with this, there's always that chance that she may just reverse her decision...and it's hello square one. I'm not saying that's what will happen, but I'm just sayin....

As the saying goes, Give him an inch and he'll take a mile, seems to fit the biggest mistake many CD's make once they are given the slightest amount of acceptance or tolerance. I've read several threads here where the wife was accepting and understanding until it was pushed and the whole CD thing took over from the man she feel in love with. Best advice I could give would be to go slow and if anything, show her more just how much of a man you are for awhile. Let her lead as to where it fits in and balances in the relationship. More then you talking to her, try listening to her more.
[/B]

[Miriam-J]

I always keep in mind two things: My wife likes being married a guy and I like being a guy. I can't dress en femme every day and respect those two facts. If her acceptance transitions to preference, I'm still faced with my own taste. If my taste changes, then I still have to respect her taste. Only if both facets change should I start dressing a larger amount of time. Respect of your wife and self demand respect.

Miriam

[Jorja]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7
M T W T F S S
Monday - Man
Tuesday - Woman
Wednesday - Man
Thursday - Woman
Friday - Man and take her out for dinner
Saturday - Woman and take her out for dinner
Sunday - your choice

Good Luck!

[Barbara Ella]

During the initial stages of spousal awareness to your cross dressing it is best to take it very slow. My situation is still in flux, after only 2.5 months of her awareness. I dress when she is gone about 2 afternoons a week. the other 3 days we babysit our grandson, no dressing. In the evenings, I play it slow and try to feel where she is mood wise. Bad days, I play it smart, and dont dress. My choice. She has told me I can dress anytime to any extent I want in front of her. No need for me to push it at her if she has had a rough day, because it can bring up old feelings and thoughts that would not be a problem on normal days. On the weekends, I dress casual femme to work around the house with her.

Communicate and be sensitive to the whole situation.

Babes

[Dawn cd]

On a scale of 1 to 10, I guess I'm a permanent 4. My everyday clothes are about 80 percent female, but they're not skirts and flowered blouses. They're likely sweaters with wider neck openings and 3/4 sleeves, slacks without side pockets, patterned trouser socks and women's flats. Not garish. They could almost be guy clothes, but they're not. You would have to look close to notice the difference.

[RADER]

I wear jeans from Woman With-Inn 5 pocket boot cut; You can't tell them from mens,
Except for the little red tag by the pocket, witch can be removed.
With a man's shirt, who can tell, and in the colder months, a bra with a "T" undershirt,
you can hide pretty good any sign of Fem wear.
Rader

[Katesback]

I am going to answer your questions. But rememer my comments are revolving aroung CD issues because thats what this forum is. If we were going to talk about TS issues then I would talk about them in the TS forum where my dear I have been 100% more critical and pissed off far more people than here.

I am going to correct you on one point you made. You said I dont like CDs and that I look down upon them. Sweety I have more respect for CDs than I do most TS. At least the CDs tend to live a constructive life comparatively. I support people that are honest (and by the way a lot of you have called out the honesty card but I have not even touched upon the sexual masterbation part of CD, I am sure a lot of the SOs would love to know what goes through a CDs mind when they do the dress up and rub thing). I support people that are willing to do whatever it takes to be happy and true to themselves. This my dear is the focal point in all my posts so far in this forum. I am very harsh but I keep it real.

Funny thing is one of my nemises said a comment that is so true. It went something like this. It takes a lot of courage to live a honest life and those that do it blame themseles for any shortcommings, while those that dont have the courage blame thier circumstances. You can see this in TS and CD circles. The kids, the wife, the job, ect ect ect. Blame circumstances even though there are countless trans people that did what it takes to be who they are and survived. Yes they tend to loose things but damm the payoff is often far better than the losses.

Now you asked me if I have ever been in love. The answer is NO never! I have never been in love with anyone whasoever. Do I want a guy? I really dont look for one. I am 40 and at my age the good guys are taken or dead. I refuse to date a looser. I also refuse to date a CD. That is my choice where you like it or not. Just the same that most guys would not want a TS. Thats probably true and I cannot fault them for it. Perhaps thats why these days I NEVER talk about Tras stuff with anyone except here. I will not tell a guy I date because I am me and its as simple as that.

As I said I dont look for a guy. I know I am set in my ways, I dont have the patience for most men, I am very cold on a deep level as you guessed. So your probably right I would not make a good wife. I do have to correct you though. I am not angry, I am not mean, as a matter of fact everyone that knows me says I am nice which I am on a friendship level but my inner world is dark and cold. I probably could never love anyone and its probaly because of the shit I had to go through to be me.

I have guys very often hit on me. But I nicely turn them down. There is one guy that I talk to at the gym, If he asked me out I would go out with him but I have serious doubts if I have any space in my dark heart to be anything more than a good friend.

Finally for those of you that think its wrong for me to say I would not date a CD or that it is cold for me to say that I would leave a husband if he came out to me that he was CD. I have several reasons why I would not date a CD. The first is that my days of calling myself a CD are long past me, it is a part of my life I would rather forget. I have absolutely NO desire to be dragged back into that sort of stuff. And to be honest I can tell you that many CDs that would want to date a TS have alterior motives. See they deep down know damm well that their odds of acceptance are far greater. To be clear here the secret definition of acceptance is the ability to do what YOU the CD wants. Its freaking lets be girlfriends and play dress up and go shopping toghether. Its lets have lesbian sex. Its watching your TS girlfriend and comming to the realitization that transition is totally possible and you gather the strength from her to become the girl you are. Perhaps its living 24/7 as a woman or perhaps its getting SRS. Sure its ok to keep your penis for an indeterminent time but then thats up for grabs as well if you have acceptance. That is the real hidden meaning of the word acceptance from a CD.

Second when it comes to marriage there are three dead cold perfect reasons to have a divorce. Adultry, abuse, and addiction. Lets cover these ones.

While being CD does not fit into the norm of addiction it does in my book. It is a habbit (seen as deviant because CDs dont stand up for themselves) that does not go away, it escalates, it evolves to include ever increasing pushing and testing, it is a rush to see if you get cought, it is a thrill emotionally and sexuallly, and for a some of the CDs it is that chance to be a girl that you know you REALLY are. And for those of you that say the majority of the CDs are in the closet not escalating. Well they are afraid. They get past that fear and the what do you call it........pink fog takes over. It always escalates or is in danger of escalating.

Now we can talk about the abuse aspect. One only need to read posts in this forum to see all the mental turmoil that the SOs have to put up with to be married to thier CD husbands. I am sorry but if you ask me the constant pushing the bounds can be considered as a form of abuse. Conversly the wife that puts her foot down is also in a way being abusive because then the CD is either miserable or does it behind her back.

The adultry part.......... first of all its very common for men to cheat on thier wives. It is also very common for men to have sex with men. And I am talking about so called straight men. It happens all the time. Add a sexually stimulating aspect to them (dressing as a woman) and you only add to the fire. I and many other TS women have been hit on often by CDs. We are all to often easy prey. I have talked to countless CDs that will discuss sex, some even go as far as to say their sexual activity is ok when they are a girl because its a different personality running the show. I mean CDs have sex with other CDs. Its very common. Dont agree with me? LOL well once again read the posts in just this forum about sex. Notice how many respondents there are and notice how many views the post gets. Dont even try to tell me that I am exadurating because your full of it.

So there you have my reasons why I would not date a CD. Keep in mind I had not meant to elaborate to that extend but a number of you called me on it so I said ok you got it. Are these my opinions? Well guys I keep getting PMS from GGs saying to me things like Katie your telling the truth. I keep getting women PMing me saying thank you for comming here and keeping it real.

Ohh and you are totally correct. I am not FEMALE AT BIRTH by what was between my legs. I was however Female at birth, I just had to take a really long road to get there. I might add that I did everything I possibly could to be me. Theres no more surgeries, theres not more crap. I am just me. Funny thing is that the holy grail many of you CDs talk about is about the same normal as your male life is. That another reason your wives cannot understand why dressing as a woman is such a thrill. Its normal to be a woman and I might add being a woman is a pain in the ass a lot of times. We get so much crap from men its not even funny. We get looked at as a lesser societal fugure unless we prove ourselves. As one of the GGs put it "be careful what you wish for". There are days when I ask myself was all the crap worth it. Why do I ask myeself that? Because life is normal and that past life is forgotten.

Katie




Every time I read one of your posts Kate, I see things that make me wonder. I wonder if you were ever in love, I mean REALLY in love. I wonder how you can be so cold and say things like you'd walk away, file for a divorce as if you were just changing sheets on a bed. You say you want a man as defined by the society we live in. So tell me, where in the world are you going to find a man that wants you. After all, you are not a woman as defined by by the society we live in. You may be a woman in your eyes and mind, but not to the society you live in. We all have a right to want what we want in the way of a marital partner and this includes you. I want a woman as defined by the society we live in. Guess what that definition is?... FAB. My guess is the "societal" norm for most men, is that we want a Female At Birth. My heart goes out to the majority of TS's that want what you want and understand that it has got to very hard to find since you are not what most men want. What you would do if your man came out to you as a CD is not the norm for those wives that truly love their husbands and don't want to lose the love he gives ot her and the love she has for him. To suggest they just dump him for merely crossdressng as if they have no feelings for him is rather harsh and cold. I get it, you don't like crossdressers and never want one in your life as a partner. But to pass on your cold harsh way for wives to deal with it is not what most GG's would do or even want to hear; as proven by the number of great GG members we have here dealing with the discovery that their man, their love is a CD. Some are scared, some are angry and some are hurt. But they are here trying t understand, accept and find that balance. They are not like you and what you say you would do... run to a lawyer for a divorce.
I hope you never fall in love with a guy and find out he has a thing for woman's clothes or anything that you don't like. The poor sap would not have a chance with you. That's plain to see.
Were's your compassion, your heart, your sense of being fair? After all, you expect him to take you as you are. And you may look like a FAB, feel like a FAB, but you seem to lack the heart of a FAB. Fact is, you are not a FAB. I feel for you Kate. You come across as angry, cold and very judge-mental. I wish you well Kate, but please tone it down and try not to force your views on others as many of your posts do.
I have to agree with Akastina's post and wonder why you are here? After all, most of us are beneath you, or so it reads, and are mere lowly CD's and not what you esculated to be. Why? Well that's easy; most of us are very happy to remain men that happen to be just CD's!

[Alice B]

One a scale od 1-10 I would say I'm a 6.5. In my male mode no one would ever guess, but my whole body is shaved, I wear panties, have painted toe nails and wear ear rings 7/24. If it is cold out and I'm playing golf I have nylons on under my pants and I wear a light sented woman's purfume all the time.

[ReineD]

In my opinion, I do dress fem everyday but some days I dress "less" fem. Meaning jeans not skirt. I felt that was a compromise but I don't feel my wife agree's with that. She's extremely supportive and wants me happy. But like she said "sometimes I miss seeing you dress like a man".

I see your wife's POV. Maybe she just wants to know that you still like being her husband (as opposed to her wife). I remember in the beginning, feeling as if my SO had the chance, he'd dress femme every single opportunity available, which to me meant that if he could, he would reject his guy self in a flash. This isn't what he was thinking, but all I knew was one or the other gender.

This just goes to show that your wife, like me, has NO CLUE how you feel in your gender identity. We're not transgender (your wife and I) and we have absolutely nothing in our internal landscapes that we can use as a benchmark. So when she sees you put on "just one femme thing" all the time (and it doesn't matter if it is jeans, or a skirt, or a cute top, or a pair of earrings), she thinks you are not happy when you are a guy, ever. If this makes sense.

It took awhile for me to learn that my SO is always who he/she is internally, there is no switch to turn off the guy and turn on the girl and vice versa. In other words, he doesn't fit the binary gender paradigm, in the same way as cismen, ciswomen, and TSs. His gender ID is like the ocean with waves lapping onto the shore. Each alternating crest is one of the two genders. The point is, sometimes he feels more one gender than the other, the femme clothes do help him to fully experience the femme feelings since he is a guy through his physical self and social conditioning, but the waves are always there lapping onto the shore, a constant stream of alternating male and female crests.

When I finally understood this, I got to the point where it didn't matter to me what he had on. But until then I needed to understand in my heart that she wasn't on her way to rejecting his guy self and transition (despite his constant assurances that he wasn't). It's a learning process for us GGs too. I'm perfectly OK being in a relationship with someone who experiences dual gender but I can't see myself in a relationship with a woman. My SO also is not prepared to travel that route, and he does strive for balance, so we are well matched. In other words, you wife needs time to rethink the gender constructs we were all taught (either male or female), and you can help her along by showing her through deed and not just words, that you do quite like being her husband too. :) You asked about balance. Balance means enjoying your femme presentation, but also enjoying your male presentation in a world that becomes anxious faced with androgyny. This would not apply if you are TS, of course, but you did say you do not feel you are a woman.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, but for your own inner happiness, if you want to reach a point where you are not constantly wanting to put on something femme at home, start going out dressed fully femme in the next town over on a regular basis. Do this for two years. If you are like my SO, eventually it will get boring to put on a few femme things just to stay at home. And you won't need to. You'll know who you are despite the clothes. If this makes sense.

[Delila]

Where do you stand on underdressing? I have found that I can balance my dressing with the fact that I only own about 2 pairs of men's underwear. The less visible garments are hardly noticed by my wife though obviously she knows they are there we have come to an understanding long ago that I will not wear men's underwear. I find that wearing panties is somewhere on your scale in the 4-5 region. I have recently shunned dressing for personal reasons but when it comes down to it there is no option for my undergarments. This in my opinion is a small change that can make a world of difference in my personal comfort. You can also wear tights or pantyhose under clothing with little notice it's really about finding the best balance without giving up all of the things that make you feel good.