Have you CHANGED over the past YEAR?

[Anne2345]

I joined this forum one year ago. When I did so, I was wide-eyed, innocent, and naïve. I had no idea what to expect from the forum, and I had no idea what to expect from myself. I thought I was but a mere, simple, happy go lucky crossdresser.

More than 110 original threads later (sorry for putting y'all through that :heehee:), some intensive introspection, and with many therapy sessions now under my belt, I realize now just how out of touch with myself I actually was. In fact, reading some of my earlier posts, I actually cringe now. Was I really that way? Was I really that person? Was I really that blind?

Even though it has only been a year, it has been a year of complete turbulence, evolution, and discovery. I have change radically from the person I thought I was. In this, I do not even recognize the person I was a year ago. The person I was was in serious denial. The person I was had suppression down to an absolute art form.

The irony is that I knew myself better when I was a teenager and in my early twenties than I did for the next two decades that followed. Back then, I knew I wanted to be a woman. I dreamt of it. I planned for it. I wanted it more than anything. And it scared the hell out of me. I ran from it, and I ran from myself for the next two decades.

But alas, since joining the forum, I have torn down the mental walls and barriers, pushed through the denial and suppression, and attempted to rediscover the essence of who and what I truly am. In this, I have much to thank the forum for, and its members. But for joining, but for participating, but for proactively seeking out my true self, I would not have the understanding of self that I currently do. Clearly, in so joining the forum, I was at a crossroads, even if I did not recognize it at the time.

One year ago, though, in the grand scheme of things, is not so long ago. Yet, for me, it seemingly was a lifetime ago. That person, the person that I was, is now dead, never to return. That person was unsophisticated, and had no conception of reality or self. Regardless of the pain, of the uncertainty, of the confusion, and of the fear, I much prefer to have finally evolved into a genuine person, than remain the false shell of a being that had no true understanding or conception of my own inner being. That person was a victim of deep suppression and massive denial. The person I am now may have decisions to make, fear to overcome, but at least has the ability to do so with knowing, seeing eyes.

Hopefully, the next year will be a better, easier year. Although I have come far on my journey of late, I still have yet to discover the path I am meant to take. At least I now know that I have left the false path behind, and am in search of the path that is right for me. Regardless, although change has not been easy, it has been necessary. Without it, I would still be naught but a lost soul.

Last, I just want to take an opportunity to express how much I appreciate and love you all for being there. This forum is a fantastic, wonderful place composed of many wonderful, caring, and genuinely decent members. Opportunities for growth, learning, fun, and friendship abound. I have benefited much from my stay here, and I hope that I have contributed at least some small amount to the forum in return. Thanks for being so amazing!

But now on to the questions (you knew they were coming :D). Has the past year been active for you? Has it been life changing or eye-opening? How much have you changed over the past year? Have you changed at all? Would you even recognize yourself from a year ago, or are you pretty much the same person?

[Daphne Renee]

I am more or less the same person. I am a little more open about my cding now but not completely out.

[Jeanna]

Without a doubt, I have changed and will keep on changing as I peel off the outer layers and get down to the real me.

[kimdl93]

The past year has witnessed some pretty dramatic changes in the way I present myself to others. I did some things I could never have imagined I'd dare to do even a few years before: coming out to a step daughter, coming out to neighbors, and going out in public to walk the dogs, shop and socialize.

Perhaps 20 years earlier, I might have described myself much as you see yourself - seriously repressed and in my case deeply conflicted between what I felt inside and what I felt obliged to be. I suspect we all have these feelings about ourselves and the pain and struggles are unavoidable steps in self discovery.

My other observation is that it seems Anne, that you're pretty hard on yourself. We all are naive, we all repress things, we all live in denial, and sometimes we experience epithannies. (is that the plural of epithany?) Be happy with the place you are and don't regret the path you've taken to get here.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Id say 16 years is more like it,tho ill stay with one year.

Am i the same , of cause not & that goes for others who have got to know me , the changes are more about growing being & liveing, all a part of who i am as a person & then a woman, lots of little changes, things that others pick up on so yes its all there,

As to being the same person , that would not be right, harsh as this may be... if... we dont change we are dead, we have no life, there fore dont grow, to grow we need to change , how each of us do that is up to all of us in our own way,

I have really changed wether i see all of those changes does not matter my friends know & yes some tell me & of thier own accord, & thats nice, = really it shows i am growing so all of my life is showing that,

Joining womens groups & being a part of , interacting in a way that says im just a woman, being close showing a love that is genuine being able to talk in the same way women do, you idenifie with other women. & you accept others as you are accepted,

...noeleena...

[Jacqueline Winona]

Absolutely different in many ways, Anne. I'm just more in touch with who I am, not worried so much about what that might mean, and I've embraced the fact that I need to be Janice occasionally. It affects all other relationships in some ways. Fortunately (at least so far), I'm still as effective at work as always and think I'm doing better on the family relationships. Now some of my other hobbies have suffered, but it's the offseason for most of the sports that I like so no big loss thus far. :)

[Marleena]

Hi Anne! This has been a crazy 5 months for me. I finally let the girl inside out to play after decades of denial and supression. I actually feel wonderful for the first time in my life. Everything makes sense now.

Is it scary, you bet! I'm going with it now though wherever it leads. Some compromise will be needed because of family obligations but I'll deal with it.:)

[TGMarla]

I am much the same as I was a year ago, Anne. But that's only because I already did the metamorphisis a few years back that you've done this past year. Largely due to the interaction with like-minded others that this forum provides, I managed to reach a point where I was able to come to a compromise with myself over my transgendered issues. No longer do I battle it with some daily raging war. I've reached a peace, and it's a good place to be. Like with any major issue, there are still days when it torments me a little more than on other days, but for the most part, I have managed to come to a comfort zone where I'm not beating on myself day in and day out over gender dysphoria. I realized that transition was not going to be a part of my future, that it was not a path I would be taking. And despite some regret that comes with that, there came a peace of mind with it as well. I accepted myself as a transgendered person and as a crossdresser. And that acceptance has made life a whole lot easier for me. It's a good thing.

And I'm glad for you, too, that you are doing so much better with yourself. Depression is so common among us because of our gender issues. And that's no way to live.

[Beverley Sims]

Still taking baby steps and evolving.
12 months progress in anyone's life is a large step in itself.
I think of those that have been on hormone treatment for 12 months.

[Leslie Langford]

Anne, this is a very thoughtful, introspective, and brutally honest assessment of where you have been and where you expect to go. And yes, the process of increasing self-awareness and finally getting in touch with the real "you" can be extraordinarily gut-wrenching.

What strikes me here, though, is that this post it is all about you, and that there is no mention anywhere of your wife and your little girl who are being pulled along with you on this bumpy ride, and they are the unwitting (unwilling?) passengers on this trip.

How do they factor into this, and what are you doing to help them cope with this journey of self-discovery so that they don't become collateral damage in the process? As transgendered individuals, we have as much responsibility for our own well-being as we have for those whom we have entangled in our complicated lives, and who often did not sign up for this turn of events.

[Karren H]

I always change. My breasts are larger.... I can cinch my corset tighter. My Endo yelled at me because I gained 5 pounds and my BP was up.... I have more wrinkles... ***sigh***

[Anna Lorree]

For me the movement has been in the last 6 months or so. I have accepted that this is who I am, and have started therapy. I am not yet sure where I will land, I need to figure that out and then figure out life's relationships around the new definition of me. I have been offered HRT, but haven't committed to doing it yet. I know I want it, I just don't know yet if the price is worth paying. I go back and forth on that one...

I dress more often and more completely. This month and April, I will be out of town several times on business and will be going out dressed for the first times. I am both nervous and excited. Late this month, I will be making a pilgrimage to a MAC store in San Francisco in hopes of learning how to deal with my beard shadow (a very stiff and dark beard with very light complexion).

I am afraid. I am scared that I might be transsexual, I know for certain that I am not a crossdresser. Right now I consider myself TG, but see more and more commonalities with TS people. I am not afraid of being TS because I think that is bad, but because of the cost to my loved ones if in fact I am.

Anna

[Krististeph]

How much have you changed over the past year?

Karren style reply:

yes, I often change several times in one CD session alone... :laughing::laughing::laughing:

reminds me of a navy joke:

Guys had been in battle for weeks, no fresh clothes. Finally the sergeant tells them goodnews/bad news:

Good news: they were going to get a change of underwear.

Bad news: "Smith, you change with Johnson. Williams, change with Davis..."

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[LeaP]

Has the past year been active for you? Has it been life changing or eye-opening? How much have you changed over the past year? Have you changed at all? Would you even recognize yourself from a year ago, or are you pretty much the same person?

The year has been one of devastation and upheaval. No other way to put it. Where you describe your start of year as naive and innocent, I would describe my state as hardened, cold, detached, and cynical - no positives.

I've been through a lot. Some of the negative attributes I mentioned are crumbling. I'm working on detachment and emotional issues in therapy, as well as getting a handle on gender. But I can't say I'm different. I'm just starting to feel better integrated, particularly because I'm starting to understand certain behaviors and patterns in my life aren't what I thought they were. It's more like I'm waking up. I know that's cliche, but I really feel that and it feels like a younger person waking up to find an older body. Something like that, anyway. Like you, suppression and denial are very much part of the picture.

So yes, an active year. Life changing regardless of direction or decisions (redundant). How much have I changed? 100% and 0% depending on how you view things. If you find something fundamental in yourself that was always there, yet you weren't acting on it in a coherent, rational and fully conscious way, is that a change? Finally, I'm somehow the same person. Yet to paraphrase so many GG posts on the site, I feel damaged and betrayed. By me.

Things are looking up, though.

Lea

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Anne, like so many of your threads this is at the same time honest and thought provoking. Please don't be too hard on yourself for how you were one year ago, we have all had to learn to evolve and to work out who we are and what that means for our lives.

To try to answer your question, although 2009/10 was probably my most cathartic change, I have definitely grown this year. Thanks in part to my Gender specialist, I have begun to re-engage with my local community although in subtly different (and yes better) ways than when I was pretending to be a man. I hope that I have also learned to be less brash with my opinions, but at the same time I am still the same real me who had previously waited far too long to make her entrance into the world.

I know that I would not have grown in this way if these forums had not been here and I hope that I can continue to learn from people who post here whatever part of the journey of life they find themselves following.

[elizabethamy]

I hate the way this thing logs you out without you realizing it and thus causes the post in progress to disappear. arggh. someday i'll learn.

Anne, thank you for another brilliant challenge. your posts have pushed me to question myself, to think in new ways, during these last few months. A year ago I had just started to accept that I had developed a (surely temporary!) habit of wearing women's underwear from time to time. By the fall, I had a big pile of my own stuff, and in mid November 4 things happened all at once: I joined this forum, I learned about how DES probably made me the way I am, I was discovered by and told all to my wife, and I began intensive therapy for all my problems (gender being only one).

Since November I feel as if I have been on a nonstop amusement ride that just goes faster and faster, and I'm only laughing sometimes! The support, advice and examples of you and so many others on this forum have saved me from disaster, possibly even suicide, and have given me courage to keep exploring, and now to consult doctors about the medical side of my issues. I don't know where it all will end, let alone what I would have to say in November 2012 when my own first anniversary on cd.com arrives, but you have been an inspiration in your courage, eloquence, and insistence that we all discover our realities as deeply as possible. Peace and all good wishes on your journey!

elizabethamy

[Mikaela]

Well in 'physical' & stylistic ways I went from this one
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/228267_115385758546587_100002254893273_139767_1543 557_n.jpg

to these:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/s720x720/426852_250213575063804_100002254893273_540862_1692 066511_n.jpg
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/429533_280292532042968_100001866690329_683045_1142 832979_n.jpg

(All photos are publicly posted.)

I'm still looking for a signature style, but that's part of the fun

I've found someone that accepts me 9 months ago, who just last month, I moved in with. She loves both sides of me and because of it, in some ways, I've become more comfortable with who I am (although I have a long way to go). Many of my walls are down and I have a greater capacity for empathy and vulnerability.

Also in that year, I've broadened friendships worth keeping and culled ones that were superficial only because we were TGs.

[Anna Lorree]

For me the movement has been in the last 6 months or so. I have accepted that this is who I am, and have started therapy. I am not yet sure where I will land, I need to figure that out and then figure out life's relationships around the new definition of me. I have been offered HRT, but haven't committed to doing it yet. I know I want it, I just don't know yet if the price is worth paying. I go back and forth on that one...

I dress more often and more completely. This month and April, I will be out of town several times on business and will be going out dressed for the first times. I am both nervous and excited. Late this month, I will be making a pilgrimage to a MAC store in San Francisco in hopes of learning how to deal with my beard shadow (a very stiff and dark beard with very light complexion).

I am afraid. I am scared that I might be transsexual, I know for certain that I am not a crossdresser. Right now I consider myself TG, but see more and more commonalities with TS people. I am not afraid of being TS because I think that is bad, but because of the cost to my loved ones if in fact I am.

Anna

I just realized that I forgot to mention a positive change. I have lost 20 pounds since the start of November!!! Because of how I was carrying that weight, I now have a much better figure AND much less chance of heart disease later. Also, I generally wear a women's medium top now, as opposed to a large. Yay!!! :D

Of course, this means another purge, but this one is because of size and there is NO shame involved. And the up side is way more shopping to come to replace what doesn't fit anymore!! :daydreaming:

Oh, and that pink dress that I love that was a bit too tight before fits me great now. :)

Anna

[Mikaela]

Anna, to quote my girlfriend, that's a "culling, not a purging." It's also an opportunity to have some drinks with a friend or SO and play "Keep or Toss" with stuff in the closet.

[Princess_Andria]

I have changed alot. I met a great girl who has changed my life around and loves my fem side. As a member mentioned earlier i have come to accept myself for who I am and even wear girly boxers and girls socks 24/7 (also tights/pantyhose from, time to time mostly to bed though). In the past year i have found out more about myself then i thought i ever would.

I love having photos taken of me while fully dressed, posing etc also not long before christmas i had a public outting en femme, which not once ever crossed my mind until my girlfriend brought up the idea (it was in a hotel lobby at 1 am, my gf made me open doors for guys and girls, it was very nerving and i was a bit embaressed but i had so much fun x)

Again thanks to my gf who spoils me with clothes and makeup I've learnt how to do my own makeup and make it look good :) all in all i have gotten to try out all the things i ever wanted and its all been with the girl I've always needed x

Andria x

[Anna Lorree]

Anna, to quote my girlfriend, that's a "culling, not a purging." It's also an opportunity to have some drinks with a friend or SO and play "Keep or Toss" with stuff in the closet.

Well it was a pretty quick game of "Keep or Toss" because I have a small wardrobe, but I am working on it as money allows!

Anna

[Barbara Ella]

The person from one year ago (even 6 months ago) has completely changed, and for the better. I had no idea what cross dressing was, and now I embrace it and treasure it. In the 6 months I have developed from a juvenile to something approaching a young adult,maybe a girl of 25 emotionally, and I can feel the changes each and every day as i immerse myself in this forum and the world of my cross dressing.

So I sometimes behaved like a child during these formative months. So i sometimes said things that now seem childish. So I sometimes felt sad and cried. So most times I was a happy giddy schoolgirl. This forum has kept that giddy, happy feeling alive and thriving. I am looking forward to the next year.

Babes

[Frédérique]

Has the past year been active for you? Has it been life changing or eye-opening? How much have you changed over the past year? Have you changed at all? Would you even recognize yourself from a year ago, or are you pretty much the same person?

Well, I ALMOST left (yeah, sure), but I met you and you persuaded me to keep posting! That's right, everybody - you can blame Anne! :heehee:

I haven’t really changed during the past year, other than turning away from the “opposite” gender more and more, even though I still prefer to wear clothes meant ONLY for them. I think the time I’ve spent on this site has contributed significantly to this paradoxical situation…

PS – I DO recognize my “self!” :doh:

[Julie Hall]

I am both the same and completely different.

I just erased a long diatribe listing all the major events in my life over the last year and frankly I don't think anyone wants to hear about them. I know I don't. As the tears dry all I'll say is if I could return to the way everything was one year ago I would in a heartbeat. I'd forego any emotional development I've achieved if everything around me also returned to the way they were a year ago. Unless we start another of those magic pill, salve, genie threads - I must push forward.

Julie

[Gillian Gigs]

I have never been more at peace with myself than I am right now. I guess that is what happens when you accept yourself for who and what you are. No more internal war, if others have a problem, then it is their problem, not mine anymore.

[carhill2mn]

Hi Anne,

It was quite obvious when you first joined that you really did not understand much about crossdressing and how to deal with it. It is great that we here have been of help to you. I am sure that the next year will be a much happier one for you.

As to have I changed much this past year? Not really, as I have been a CD for a very long time and many years ago accepted that fact.

[Kate Simmons]

Well, yeah Hon. We have to change when we go from Homme to femme, no? ;):)

[GingerLeigh]

Simply put, I'm more comfortable in my own skin than I EVER have been and I'm a more confident person for it. Have I changed? Certainly I did! However, I'm not prepared to beat up on my "previous me" for any weaknesses and shortcomings. My only real regret is that it took this long to come to grips with who and what I am.

Ginger

[rachaelsloane]

But now on to the questions (you knew they were coming ). Has the past year been active for you? Has it been life changing or eye-opening? How much have you changed over the past year? Have you changed at all? Would you even recognize yourself from a year ago, or are you pretty much the same person?

Hell YES I've changed, I smile a lot more now that I go out. A year ago, going out was only a dream, but a lot of things happened, one of them being I joined this forum and I have never looked back. I gained all the confidence that most of us really have but are afraid to admit and joined a few of the TG groups in the area and have met so many new friends.
I try to get into SF at least once a week with a friend and fully enjoy all the interaction with people that I would not have done without these friends.

[Debutante]

I find myself going deeper...letting go of masculine outlooks, trying to feel more feminine in my body, mind and behavior... I have neglected all that due to career changes,etc. Now: time to embrace Deborah in full!

[NathalieX66]

15 months without a haircut, and nearly a year of electrolysis and larer on my beard, I guess I've changed. Some think I do....I can't understand why they keep saying that.

[Anne2345]

Well, I ALMOST left (yeah, sure), but I met you and you persuaded me to keep posting! That's right, everybody - you can blame Anne! :heehee:

You cannot leave, Freddy! I will not allow it! I will personally track you down in Lindsborg, Kansas if necessary! One way or another, I will compel you to continue offering the forum your bewitching, inspiring, eloquent, and long prose. :heehee: There is no escaping me. Resistance is futile. :hugs:



Please don't be too hard on yourself for how you were one year ago, we have all had to learn to evolve and to work out who we are and what that means for our lives.


My other observation is that it seems Anne, that you're pretty hard on yourself. We all are naive, we all repress things, we all live in denial, and sometimes we experience epithannies. (is that the plural of epithany?)

Of course, you are both correct. We are all on a path of evolution and discovery. There is no fault or shame in where we were, as long as we continue our journey and search for inner peace, personal acceptance, and love of one's self. There is much beauty in the world, if we but only our open eyes to it and appreciate it for what it is.

[KellyJameson]

For myself I feel as if I have come full circle and now stand at the same spot I was at as a child but with the benefit of an adult mind. I have molded myself back into the person I was born to be that the world had twisted out of shape. Whatever path I walk now will be of my own choosing, I have moved beyond the worlds reach and now own my life completely without the need for apology.I have clarity, I see the patterns of my life and I now understand the messages in the patterns. There may be undiscovered shadows in my mind but they are harmless ghosts because I have rediscovered myself after loosing myself to the worlds noise, opinions and distractions.

I am free because I have moved beyond the need to label myself by having discovered myself. Certainly reading the words of others on this forum like so many bread crumbs have lead me back home.