I'm finally going to do it!

[candice44]

My wife knows that when I'm alone in the house that I get dressed up, she accepts that but wants no part of seeing me dressed up as a woman. That said, what she doesn't know is that I want/need to transition to a female and that I am not a crossdresser but transgendered.

So I am going to tell her tonight that I must live my life everyday and every second as a woman, with the end result being GRS.

This is going to be hardest thing to ever tell her, since I love her so much and this may break her heart. But I don't have a choice and I am expecting that she will let me go to pursue my dream but she can't be part of it.

So on one hand I am so excited because I am finally pursuing my life long dream but on the other I probably will lose my wife. I am so nervous right now that I am shaking, but it is something I have to do.

Any advice would be so appreciated.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Candice,

You do understand the probable consequences of doing this right?
I lost my wife because of transition and the process was brutal on both ends.
Five years and three months after transitioning I still am haunted by what I did in order to be where I am today.
I love her, I miss her, I long for her and I ache for her.
I had to transition or commit suicide.
Candice, are you to the point where you would die rather than live as who you present as today?
I'm not attempting to talk you out of this but rather present the dark side of transition.
Transition because there is no other choice Candice
Do not transition if you can live with the duality.
By telling your wife these plans you are setting in motion something that becomes larger than yourself and becomes impossible to stop.
Think this over again prior to telling your wife.


Julia

[Traci Elizabeth]

Candice,

You do understand the probable consequences of doing this right?
I lost my wife because of transition and the process was brutal on both ends.
Five years and three months after transitioning I still am haunted by what I did in order to be where I am today.
I love her, I miss her, I long for her and I ache for her.
I had to transition or commit suicide.
Candice, are you to the point where you would die rather than live as who you present as today?
I'm not attempting to talk you out of this but rather present the dark side of transition.
Transition because there is no other choice Candice
Do not transition if you can live with the duality.
By telling your wife these plans you are setting in motion something that becomes larger than yourself and becomes impossible to stop.
Think this over again prior to telling your wife.


Julia



Excellent response .

[kimdl93]

Read Julia's post again and again. And then, since I don't know your situation, can I ask a question? Have you begun any kind of counseling to deal with your GID?

[candice44]

Julia,

Thank you so much for your great advice. I have already attempted suicide because it is so incredibly painful being in this body and not living my life as I really am. And I know if I don't take this step I will succeed in time. This is part of the curse we were all born with. I love my wife with all my heart but this isn't a choice, it's something I must do to be the person I truly am, a woman.

[candice44]

Read Julia's post again and again. And then, since I don't know your situation, can I ask a question? Have you begun any kind of counseling to deal with your GID?

Kim,

I have not yet, I thought it would be least I can do is tell my wife before I tell anyone else.

[Melissa Jill]

Good luck. Only you can really know your own situation, so if you are sure this is the way to go then I wish you all the best.

[candice44]

Good luck. Only you can really know your own situation, so if you are sure this is the way to go then I wish you all the best.

Thank you so much Melissa! That means a lot to me :)

[Traci Elizabeth]

Kim,

I have not yet, I thought it would be least I can do is tell my wife before I tell anyone else.

My personal opinion is that you have counsel with an appropriate therapist before letting the cat out of the bag. A short delay in your entire life, is not going to make any difference in whatever journey you embark. But it could give you the clarity of surety.

And remember the reality of life is that once you open Pandora's Box, it can NEVER be closed again and you will own everything inside her box.

[Stephenie S]

Unless you are prepared to lose EVERTYTHING, do not even consider transition.

By everything, I mean just that. Everything. Your wife, your children, your family, your job, your house, your money (all your money), your friends, everything.

Of course not everyone looses everything. Some come out of this with their lives somewhat intact. But you must be prepared.

My advice? Live with your disphoria. But at least get some counseling first.

S

[candice44]

My personal opinion is that you have counsel with an appropriate therapist before letting the cat out of the bag. A short delay in your entire life, is not going to make any difference in whatever journey you embark. But it could give you the clarity of surety.

And remember the reality of life is that once you open Pandora's Box, it can NEVER be closed again and you will own everything inside her box.

Maybe you're right Traci, I posted this for advice and support. I know who i am and I know seeing a therapist will never change my mind in a million years. Since I was 5 years old literally a second has not gone by where I wished I was a girl and living as a girl, as we know after decades of this it is so agonizing. I can't tell you the number of times I have cried out of pain, frustration and sadness, as you all know. But I can talk to the therapist about my feelings on telling my wife and the best way of going about it

[Kerstin]

Candice, I have only just begun the process of initiating therapy. I would advise you to do the same before even thinking about telling your wife. I have not been driven to attempt suicide like you, but I feel the same urge to tell my family about myself. However, despite the strength of my feelings, I feel that it would be irresponsible for me to drop this bomb on my family without first having talked through this with a professional. Listen to the other people who have been through this, they give wise words indeed. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Heck, your wife could end up being the most supportive person in your life with this whole thing.

[Melissa Jill]

Oh yeah, one thing. Don't phrase it as you're going to do this with or without her. Explain to her how you constantly struggle with this and you would like to pursue it further and you want her by your side. Give her some time to think about it and don't pressure her into accepting it just because you plan on doing it anyway.

[EnglishRose]

Candice, I have only just begun the process of initiating therapy. I would advise you to do the same before even thinking about telling your wife. I have not been driven to attempt suicide like you, but I feel the same urge to tell my family about myself. However, despite the strength of my feelings, I feel that it would be irresponsible for me to drop this bomb on my family without first having talked through this with a professional.

I agree with this. A competent therapist will be able to help you both work through your feelings and, should it come to that, how to broach the subject with your wife and any other loved ones.

[candice44]

Candice, I have only just begun the process of initiating therapy. I would advise you to do the same before even thinking about telling your wife. I have not been driven to attempt suicide like you, but I feel the same urge to tell my family about myself. However, despite the strength of my feelings, I feel that it would be irresponsible for me to drop this bomb on my family without first having talked through this with a professional. Listen to the other people who have been through this, they give wise words indeed. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Heck, your wife could end up being the most supportive person in your life with this whole thing.

Thanks Kerstin,

I love the point you made about listening to others who have been through this. Yes I will speak to a therpist first, it will be big help and so liberating pouring my heart and feelings out to someone who is neutral. Plus, I know my wife and if I told tonight she would definitley ask me if I have seen someone about these feelings. I see it is the wise course to see someone first.

Thank you

[candice44]

Oh yeah, one thing. Don't phrase it as you're going to do this with or without her. Explain to her how you constantly struggle with this and you would like to pursue it further and you want her by your side. Give her some time to think about it and don't pressure her into accepting it just because you plan on doing it anyway.

Very good advice Melissa!

Thanks :)

[Kelsy]

Hi Candice,

It is not the therapist's job to change your mind about anything but to offer you a safe place and a frame work to look at yourself honestly and clarify your understanding of yourself. Once you take a good look at things you can move ahead with some confidence that the choices you are about to make will be the right ones. You will also learn what things will be coming your way!

Good luck Kelsy

[Inna]

Truth and nothing but the truth.......I am an advocate for such, we suffocate and push through life but it isn't living but mere existence. We try to expel the demons by lies and deceit, and succeed in darkening our hearts even more each time. It Is Time girl, You know it is time.

Please listen to your heart and do as it shows you the way, and don't give into reason, as we here may give you all the reasons, they are reasons and not YOUR Truth. If you really listen to YOU, you will know, and something tells me from reading your posts that you are ready!

Our loved ones are often near because of circumstances other then pure love, immaculate and unconditional, even parents sometimes do not posses this power. Be ready, for letting go is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yes, pain is the price of truth, but how sweet and intoxicating when truth fulfills your soul, cleanses your heart and love can freely flow as though the river of life.

Go for it babe! Open up Pandora's box, amongst the pain and sorrow there are cookies there as well :battingeyelashes:

[candice44]

Truth and nothing but the truth.......I am an advocate for such, we suffocate and push through life but it isn't living but mere existence. We try to expel the demons by lies and deceit, and succeed in darkening our hearts even more each time. It Is Time girl, You know it is time.

Please listen to your heart and do as it shows you the way, and don't give into reason, as we here may give you all the reasons, they are reasons and not YOUR Truth. If you really listen to YOU, you will know, and something tells me from reading your posts that you are ready!

Our loved ones are often near because of circumstances other then pure love, immaculate and unconditional, even parents sometimes do not posses this power. Be ready, for letting go is the hardest thing I have ever done, and yes, pain is the price of truth, but how sweet and intoxicating when truth fulfills your soul, cleanses your heart and love can freely flow as though the river of life.

Go for it babe! Open up Pandora's box, amongst the pain and sorrow there are cookies there as well :battingeyelashes:


What a wonderful post!!! Thank you so much Inna, reading that made me feel so good and refreshed!

[Eileen]

Candice, from what you have posted, it sounds unlikely that you will change your mind and continue to live as you are. That said, you will benefit greatly from seeing a therapist, one that specializes in GID issues. You are young and do not need to rush.

Eileen

[Stephenie S]

Maybe you're right Traci, I posted this for advice and support. I know who i am and I know seeing a therapist will never change my mind in a million years. Since I was 5 years old literally a second has not gone by where I wished I was a girl and living as a girl, as we know after decades of this it is so agonizing. I can't tell you the number of times I have cried out of pain, frustration and sadness, as you all know. But I can talk to the therapist about my feelings on telling my wife and the best way of going about it

Dear Candice,

I hear you and probably understand a bit of what you are going through.

But one of th things you need to establish with a therapist is the difference between wanting to be a girl, which you state in your post, and being a girl (woman). There is a HUGE difference here. This may just be semantics, but you need to know you are a woman before you go fooling around with transition. A gender therapist will help you to understand the difference. Wanting to be a girl is fairly common (doesn't everyone?), but that inner knowledge of your absolute femininity needs to be pretty well cemented in your soul before you transition.

Once you "come out" it's very hard to put the cat back in the bag.

Stephie

[Melody Moore]

Nothing further to add, the advice you have received so far is excellent.
Good luck with everything :hugs:

[Jorja]

While I do agree with what Inna said, I do encourage you to consult a gender therapist before telling the wife. Make damn sure this is what you really want and need. Once it is done, there is no going back like it never happened.

Good luck with everything

[*Vanessa*]

hi Candice

Ya, read all the posts again... julia and Melissa are the young ones and have such insight and caring. Eileen has such wisdom in what she say all the time.

I totally get your thoughts as a youngster, as it echos mine for sure. For myself the best thing I could do would be to transition, if it were possible as the top of the fence of life gets narrower every year.

Advise? a) Talk to the therapist to 'help' you along, not to object and try change your mind, most are good at what they do. b)When you head starts screaming remember to breath, you will be ok.

[Aprilrain]

Wanting to be a girl is fairly common (doesn't everyone?),

Umm, no, everyone dosen't want to be a girl. I'm guessing 99.9% of cisgendered men don't want to be girls and then there are female to male transsexuals, pretty sure they don't want to be girls either. Even a small percentage of male to female transexuals don't want to be girls, I put up a pretty good fight but in the end it was futile.

Lots of good advice here, the only thing I would add is don't be afraid to find the RIGHT therapist! There are some duds out there.

[Sandra]

Can I just add that when you tell her let her know that she is not alone and that there is other wives out there still happy in the relationship...and point her to this forum and the FAB fsection as we do have some wives of TS's in there including me.

Good luck :hugs:

[LeaP]

A good % of the people here have been suicidal at one point or another and a fair number of them have attempted it. I fully acknowledge the transition or die point, but it doesn't mean, in turn, that if you don't transition by some specific date that you must die, either. So fine - you're going to transition. Now suicide is off the table.

Unless you're heading down the self-medicating route, followed by surgery under the knife of someone who doesn't follow the standards of care, you're going to need a therapist anyway. In fact, you'll eventually have to see at least two. So no reason to wait. The sooner you start with a therapist, the sooner your transition.

The urgency you are describing sounds more like GID symptoms than a rational approach to transition. I.e., you REALLY do need to speak with a therapist. Your transition is going to have to be reduced to a plan at some point and there are going to a lot of steps and it's going to take time - typically at least 2-3 years from where you are now ... and I've recently read a description of that kind of timing as going like a freight train! The current urge to tell is important for its own reasons, but is pretty trivial to the transition planning and timeline.

Find a therapist.

Lea

[candice44]

Dear Candice,

I hear you and probably understand a bit of what you are going through.

But one of th things you need to establish with a therapist is the difference between wanting to be a girl, which you state in your post, and being a girl (woman). There is a HUGE difference here. This may just be semantics, but you need to know you are a woman before you go fooling around with transition. A gender therapist will help you to understand the difference. Wanting to be a girl is fairly common (doesn't everyone?), but that inner knowledge of your absolute femininity needs to be pretty well cemented in your soul before you transition.

Once you "come out" it's very hard to put the cat back in the bag.

Stephie


Oh believe me Stephie I KNOW I am a woman inside and have been a female inside my soul since I can remember. What I was talking about was bringing what I am inside to the outside. That is what I have to do and that is where my agony lies. To be one gender inside and yet another on the outside haunts me everyday. What I have to happen, which is not a choice, is my inside, the feminine girl which I am to be on the outside in every single way. I am a woman and I am damn proud to show everyone in this world that I am Candice.

[candice44]

A good % of the people here have been suicidal at one point or another and a fair number of them have attempted it. I fully acknowledge the transition or die point, but it doesn't mean, in turn, that if you don't transition by some specific date that you must die, either. So fine - you're going to transition. Now suicide is off the table.

Unless you're heading down the self-medicating route, followed by surgery under the knife of someone who doesn't follow the standards of care, you're going to need a therapist anyway. In fact, you'll eventually have to see at least two. So no reason to wait. The sooner you start with a therapist, the sooner your transition.

The urgency you are describing sounds more like GID symptoms than a rational approach to transition. I.e., you REALLY do need to speak with a therapist. Your transition is going to have to be reduced to a plan at some point and there are going to a lot of steps and it's going to take time - typically at least 2-3 years from where you are now ... and I've recently read a description of that kind of timing as going like a freight train! The current urge to tell is important for its own reasons, but is pretty trivial to the transition planning and timeline.

Find a therapist.

Lea

Thank you Lea for your advice. I have come to the conclusion that I will see a therapist first. I want/need this transition but yes I agree it must be done the very best way.

[Leanne2]

Just your going to counseling will let your wife know that something is up. Tell her that you have to sort out your feelings about the feminine side of your personality. She should be glad that you are going for help from a professional. Good luck, Leanne

[Kirsty_D]

Good luck Candice, we all know what your going through but a few months seeing a therapist will also help you when it comes time to tell your wife.

[Kristy_K]

I am glad you will seek a therapist first.

My best wishes and prayers goes with you Candice.

Kristy

[KarenCDFL]

I think that Julia's response was right on target.

Knowing how your wife feels will leave neither of you with a way out to discuss anything.

Something like this in my opinion would be better brought up with a personal therapist that you both know and trust.

There are times that my wife and I have some incredible fights about life in general (thankfully my dressing is something we both agree fully on) and luckily we have a therapist that we know and trust that helps referee our major issues and it really helps.

I wish you both the best!

Just my 2 cents.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Candace..

I hope you and your wife will be ok..

You got alot of good thoughts from people. In the end, it is up to you.
Remember that you can't perfectly predict the outcome... you have electrolysis, HRT, work, etcetc.. that's the kind of stuff that people are mentioning to you..

think years, and think lots of money... so its best to plan and be smart.

Therapy is great, more so for you than for your wife..one thing to watch out for is that your wife may not be willing and/or interested...she may feel pressured by the therapist..
IF you transition, your marriage is at high risk no matter what..you must be mentally prepared to make a brutal decision at some point.
the decision to stay married or transition has really hurt people.

But since it sounds like you are quite certain of your future path, you need to be smart and efficient. Having a knowledgeable therapist to help you specifically is a terrific start.

If you are transitioning what is your job situation? can you transition on the job?

[Stephenie S]

Yeah. Well sweetie, that was a bit tongue in cheek. But come on! If they don't want to be a girl, then why not? What's wrong with them? I always thought that it was just so much fun everyone in the world must want it.

S

[candice44]

Umm, no, everyone dosen't want to be a girl. I'm guessing 99.9% of cisgendered men don't want to be girls and then there are female to male transsexuals, pretty sure they don't want to be girls either. Even a small percentage of male to female transexuals don't want to be girls, I put up a pretty good fight but in the end it was futile.

Lots of good advice here, the only thing I would add is don't be afraid to find the RIGHT therapist! There are some duds out there.

Thank you so much April!!