New GG/wife trying to cope

[Susan0102 GG]

Hi all~

Finding it hard to believe I am here- but also know that some of you will be able to help me through what seems to be a wild dream. Just found out my husband is Cross Dressing, but he does not know that I am aware....
I am afraid to bring it up...and clearly so is he...

I love and want him....but he seems to be "elsewhere"

So-o-o here I am....trying to get help from those in the know!

[size7satin]

Well welcome.

Everyone here want to help one way or another.

All of this is a wild dream at first but if you truely love him you will make it a dream come true for him instead of the nightmarish pergatory he is more then likely living in right now.

He's is just as scared as you but there are many ways to bring it up without scaring him. Be open with him hold him love him. He will learn to be open and more true to you then you could ever imagine.

As far as him being elsewhere, speaking from the years of hiding CD'ing i would almost say thats normal.

Best wishes for both of you, you must be 1 great lady that most men would die for if you are true to your love for him.

You can pm or email me anytime you want, I'm a better listener then typer but I woill help with any question I can

[mhenry]

Hello Susan...don't panic. If you love him, things will workout for the best! The fact you are here asking for help proves your love. I must agree with most everything s7s has just said. Others with more experience and eloquence will respond here....It will be difficult for both of you for abit but....don't panic :) Janet

[Jenny Beth]

Hi Susan,

No doubt what you have just found out about your husband is distressing, there are so many misconceptions about what crossdressing is all about. But you have found a great place for information here and there are as many reasons why we dress as there are crossdressers here. If you are willing to discuss this with your husband you are already one step ahead of many women who would have run already away. There is a GG section here you should consider joining, you are not certainly alone. As for why your husband seems to be "elsewhere" there could be many reasons, among them are guilt, shame and a terrible feeling that he is doing something behind your back. This is something you both have to work out together in terms of what you can or can't accept. You'll get tons of good advice here, I wish you the best.

[TxKimberly]

Susan,

I started a long and detailed response that I accidentally deleted - no doubt for the best!
Let me give you the short version - assuming that most TG's feel the way I did, he probably lives in terror that you will someday find out and reject him for it. Just letting him know that you are aware of it and that he can talk to you about it may be one of the greatest gifts you can possibly give him.
I told my wife just days into our marriage when the guilt got the best of me, and she was OK with it. Not overjoyed or thrilled, but OK with it. For the first time in my life, I could talk to someone about it, and that was like taking a thousand pounds off of me.

I don't know you or your husband and can't possibly say what is best for you. I can say that if I were in your husbands’ shoes, it would be an incredible relief to know that I didn't have to hide what I was from you, that I could talk to you, share my thoughts with you, and be honest with you. Mind you, I am not saying you have join your husband in any activities or events, or that you even need to be willing to “meet his alter ego”. That comfort level either will or will not come with time. You just may want to consider letting him know you are aware of it, and that he can talk to you about it.

It’s hard to paint a clear picture to someone that is not TG, but I think most of us (at least those around my generation) have lived a life where we are terrified someone will find out. Telling anyone, including, or maybe even especially, the one we love the most, goes against every self preservation instinct we have. I have done some reasonably hair raising things in my life and nothing came CLOSE to the terror and fear I felt telling my wife. My point is, if you are waiting for him to talk to you, it may be a very long wait as not all of us can over come a lifetime of ingrained instincts.

DOH! This was supposed to be the short version and I babbled a book again. Gotta stop doing that!

If there is anything I can do to help, don’t hesitate to let me know!

My very best wishes,
Kim . .err . . Matt . . .Darn this gets confusing sometimes. Just yell “hey stupid” and I’ll probably poke my head up.

[monniGG]

Hi Susan,
You have come to the right place for advice. Hope you find what you need here. The people here are great.

Monni

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

this is obsessed's wife. I can tell you that it is EXTREMELY diffucult for a male to admit that he is a cd'er, one idea to "break the ice" (so to say) is to tell him that you want to hve sex with him as a "girl", that it is something that you would like to try. This will only work if you are "adventerous" in the bedroom. if he is somewhat submissive in that aspect then it may be easier. He may be reluctent at first but just keep encourageing him-not nagging- and who knows maybe you will both enjoy it.(I do). Another approch (out of the bedroom) is to just sit him down and tell him that you know and that you love him and support him. or you could just have this site as your homepage on your home computer(if you have one) so that when he goes online -there it is-and it may lead into a disscusion.....hope this helps a little

danielle

[RachelDenise]

I believe communication is the key. I'm certain he is scared to tell you and truth be told, he may not understand it himself. Go slow, be patient and understanding. This site is wonderful for anyone but we have many GG's who can gladly give advice. If you love him and accept him for who he is, then he will be able to talk about this openly.

[mellisa's wife]

I'm new to this site too!

All I can say is that with an open heart and an open minds..things can be wonderful. Speaking also as a newlywed... (I "found out" 9 months before we married) there is a new playfulness, as he puts it he's "best when dressed" - more receptive to the softer side of life.

One of the first things I asked him... why did you wait so long to tell me?

[cathy b]

welcome you came to the right place. i'm new here but their are lot of girls here that will help you.

[Missy Anne's GG]

Hi Susan,

Welcome! Glad you found your way over to our little corner of the "web". Let us know how we can help you, or answer any questions you may have.

Hugs,

Missy Anne's GG

[VickySTG]

Hi all~

Finding it hard to believe I am here- but also know that some of you will be able to help me through what seems to be a wild dream. Just found out my husband is Cross Dressing, but he does not know that I am aware....How did you find out???
How do you feel about it???
Is it possable he wanted you to find out??
Do you think you could go out with him dressed??
What are your and his age range??
Do you think you can live with him dressed???

I am afraid to bring it up...and clearly so is he...
Here is a way you can open the door. Right after or near right after he finishes shaving put on the lipstick he likes the best on you make it kinda thick. Kiss him not smearing it all over his mouth but as best you can just on his lips. Then clean it up but leave it on his lips. Tell him he looks kinda cute and look to see his reaction. Or the next time you wear sexy undies hand him a matching pair and ask him to wear them for you. The mind set will be like giving a teenage daughter permission to wear make up for the frist time.

I love and want him....but he seems to be "elsewhere"
This is a great start but ask you self do you love and want her?? What if s/he is transsexual??

So-o-o here I am....trying to get help from those in the know!

Please remember it will be like opening Pandora’s box and much of the communication for a few months to years will be strange. He has a lifetime of fear and guilt. You have to set your limits and he will have to push them. Don't be surprised if in a few years he will want a sex change. Not saying this is where s/he will end up. But the transgender journey is like a train ride. You might get on at "Only wanting to wear lipstick station" but as the train travels there might be more stations such as "Dressing to go out once in a while station", "Making love while dressed station", "BDSM station that is in the Dildos and Whips mall" Then there is "Dressing full time station" and "Hormones station" and the final stop to which there is no return is "Sex change station".

[Nikki Dee]

Hi. Sue...just to wish you both good luck...it can be done..I know...my wife and I have been there. I now have a wonderfully supportive partner but it ain't been easy...BUT...you have a good start because, like my wife, you have been brave enough, intelligent enough and caring enough to try to find out more about what/who we are. It's not easy for either party but try to think how difficult it would be for YOU to tell HIM that you wanted to dress as a man and explore your masculine side.!!. Be patient...both of you.! there can be such a happy ending to this...and that's what I wish for you both.
Love Nikki. xx

[AliciaSL]

It's just so wonderful when I see wives come here for answers.. Proves there is hope for all. And for the both of you its taking of the first step of hope. It's obvious that you love and care for your husband. As long as there are secrets there is a void in both of your lives.. So! As I see it, till this is relieved, you will both have trouble.. I sometimes like to think that I have all the answers(Not even close to the truth) as far as my relationship is concerned. But I know that it's my wife that some how pulls things together for us. You did the right thing coming here. Lots of caring, hopeful and supportive people here. My heart goes out to you both and best to you both..


One thing you could try.. Go and buy him something sexy and soft. Leave it or send it to him from you.. When he gets this package don't be there.. Just add a note and tell him you know about him, and support his needs.. This will give him time to gather up his feelings alone for a few moments.. Then if he does not come to you, ask him quietly and gently if he received his package.. This should open the door to talk.. You will most likely get a wonderful response. On the other hand. He may just get defensive.. So you see, there is no perfect way to broach the subject. If he will not and you don't. You both suffer.

Think like a Turtle. You never get anywhere worth while in life unless you stick your neck out. (Just never thought it had to be so far though) All is not lost.. Welcome to our little group. And please don't mind my chatter.. Now I have a voice and a place to use it.
Feel free to contact my wife or myself if you like. Even if it's just to talk about anything.

Hugs to you both..
AliciaSL

[cd4me]

Hi - I certainly don't have all the answers, as I am just dealing with having recently come out to my wife. I have done a lot of reading, and came across this site, which has a lot of good info in it - here is one page - it is a quote from a forum in response to questions from a crossdressers wife - the questions seem a little vitriolic, but it is really the answers that you should read, and it may help you understand some of the turmoil you and your husband are going through, albeit separately at this point.

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/mustread.htm

Good luck.

[Veronica E. Scott]

Can't add to anything that has been said so I wish you and your husband all the best my prayers go out to you both.

[Julie]

Susan,

May I suggest joining the GG forum? There are a lot of great ladies here who have been through or are going through what you described.

While it warms my heart you came here to talk about this I'm sure you are going through a tough time now. I can't speak for the wives but I can for the crossdressers. As Kimberly stated, one of our biggest fears is losing those we love if we disclose our 'secret'. But I think our guilt is out of proportion with the reality of being a CDer.

It's been said many times here that society isn't fair with us. While women have a line of clothes called 'menswear', men are still stuck in this mundane, boring world that requires us to conform to a standard most of us hate but are afraid to buck the standard. The worst thing a man can be called is a girl. How dumb is that?

I can almost guarantee you your husband is suffering deeply. He didn't ask to be this way but he most likely still blames himself. After all, it is so easy to just not crossdress, right? Not if you're a crossdresser!

What I'd like to stress is there is no correlation between his need to crossdress and his need to have a woman in his life. In other words, his need to crossdress does not mean you don't fulfill him as a woman or wife. They are not related in any way, as hard as this may seem for some to believe. That he hasn't opened up to you proves he fears losing you. Yeah, he loves you that much!

If you explore this side of him with an open mind you will most likely enjoy a most wonderful part of him few, if any, have ever seen. I'll bet he will be so appreciative you'll think you've entered Nirvana.

I wish you well and let us know what we can do to help you and your husband through this. We are family here. :gh:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Julie eloquently said the things I was going to say, so I'll be brief (or at least I'll try ;) ).

The reasons why he crossdresses have nothing to do with you. If he's like the vast majority of us, he probably began in boyhood and he'll in all likelihood continue to do it for the rest of his life, with or without you. No one's really totally sure why we do it, although we've pondered it at length. But it's typically not a path we've chosen (and I don't mean that in a negative way, rather just as a statement of fact).

The reason he hasn't told you has everything to do with you -- his terror that he'd lose you. I realize it's probably crushing to think that he couldn't trust you enough to tell you, but we've spent a life-time hiding part of ourselves and it's hard to break free of that. Particularly if we ourselves feel guilt and shame over it.

I'm not sure what you mean by his being "elsewhere." It's possible he's been trying to work up the nerve to tell you. Telling an SO is one of the scariest things we'll ever do in our lives. If you can describe it a little more, we might be able to speculate a bit better.

As far as how to raise the subject with him, there's been some good suggestions, but ultimately you need to decide what's most appropriate to you and your husband. As others have said he'll probably be extremely relieved and love you all the more.

Communication will be critical. It's not uncommon for CDs to go through a kid in a candy store phase -- we're being set free after a life-time in the closet. But marriage is a two-way street, so you should agree on limits their are mutually comfortable. It's possible they a bit more than you're comfortable with and less than he's comfortable with, so it may make sense to agree to revisit them after a period of time when you've both had a chance to adjust.

To address a point Vicky raised, I won't lie, there are some transsexuals who do think of themselves as "just crossdressers" until they work through their denial. But statistically it's a small number. I know that's less than reassuring, but the odds truly are against him wanting to actually become a woman. Likewise, so of the other things Vicky mentioned (an interest BDSM, etc.) might happen -- or they might well not. We can spend a lifetime worrying about "what if" so better to focus on "what is."

Anyway, I wanted to commend you for coming here and trying to find out more. (And definitely check out the GG forum). Just by being here, you're more accepting than you may give yourself credit for and consequently you're the sort of SO that we CD dream about.

[Holly]

First of all Susan, welcome to our forum. As you can see from the responses you have already received, we are a caring group who want nothing more to help and encourage one another, no matter where you fall into the crossdressing spectrum.

First of all, please allow me to commend you on your attitude towards your husband's CDing and your drive to find answers to what this is all about. The very fact that you are here, seeking, speaks volumes. I hope that as you explore our little universe here, you will find many of the answers you are seeking. And if you ask specific questions, I think you'll find we are pretty responsive.

I don't know how you discovered that your husband crossdresses and perhaps it is not important. I don't even know how you should tell him that you know his secret. Susan, what I do know is this... he is just as frightened and terrified as you are. Maybe more so. I'm going to suggest something that may not make a lot of sense and I would urge you to weigh it carefully and decide if it is appropriate in your personal situation, as you should with ALL advice offered here. What I would suggest is that the method you choose to tell him, wheather by sending him a "gift," a letter, creating a situation to "dress him up," or sitting him down to have a face to face talk is not so important. What is important is the manner in which you communicate this information to him. Susan, your husband is terrified of humiliation, shame, of being thought of as less of a man. But above all, he fears losing you, your love and your respect. Whatever method you choose, it's critical that reassure him 100 times over that you still see him as you have all along, the one you have choosen to be your life partner and that your love for him remains unconditional.

It may also help your husband to know that he is not alone in having these desires to explore the more feminine things in life. He may not realize that his community of crossdressers exists. Is there a way you could share this website with him? Just the knowledge that there are others on the planet like himself could bring immense relief to him as well.

Susan, both you and your husband have my heartfelt best wishes. I do hope that you will check back with us and let us know how things go. I look forward in sharing the joy of another couple who discover not only is there life after crossdressing, but that it is even sweeter and zester, and full of excitement and romance than before. Please feel free to PM (private message) me if you like.

[jenny c]

Hi Susan,
You have come to the right place for advice. Hope you find what you need here. The people here are great.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

So much said, so little to add. But welcome, I'm a gg here to with a cd partner. I however entered the relationship knowing he's a cd and I like it. ANyway, if there is anyway I can be of help, let me know, k?
kew

[shea]

Hi all~

Finding it hard to believe I am here- but also know that some of you will be able to help me through what seems to be a wild dream. Just found out my husband is Cross Dressing, but he does not know that I am aware....
I am afraid to bring it up...and clearly so is he...

I love and want him....but he seems to be "elsewhere"

So-o-o here I am....trying to get help from those in the know!

Hello Susan,

Why don't you put offer him a dress or one of your dress to wear him? and undies too, and hairdo and make-up? Eventually these things will probably make better!.

[jeniinnylons]

I can't speak for everyone else but it is so much better to have a wife that may understand at least some.

It's hard enough on me to know that everyone would think I am weird if they all knew what I like to do.

It helps me a lot to know she knows and still loves me.

[Andrea's Lynne]

Susan

I'm so glad you found this site. I wish you and your husband the best in coming to terms with your situation.

Having the loving acceptance of my wife, and spelling out limits for each of our comfort levels was essential to our dealing with my revelation to her.

We had some difficult discussions, but it was SO important that we had them.

Not having to hid part of me from her is SUCH a relief. I only wish I had told her up front.

Love,

Lynne

[Susan0102 GG]

Wow!

It's Susan0102 here..and thanks to all of you who are my new friends!

Your responses give me hope and a bit of strength to hang in there.

Not sure how or when I will approach him that "I'm aware"- but I do know that I feel MUCH better about the whole dressing thing in the first place!

Someone suggested I send him a sexy gift.... which I may do.....what item should this be? What if he BLOWS UP? i.e. the timing is not right for him?
This could get ugly.......

Susan0102

[Phoebe Reece]

I suggest for a gift you try a nice piece of jewelry. Perhaps a necklace or pendant of some sort. That would help indicate your acceptance of his feminine side without it being sexually suggestive (as a gift of panties or nightgown might). I doubt he would blow up over receiving a nice gift. It is possible he may try to deny he is crossdressing. Just indicate your love and let him know it is OK whenever he wants to talk about it.
Best of luck!

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Hi Susan,

I sincerely doubt he'd blow up, although as Phoebe said, he might deny that he's a CD. More likely he'll be extremely relieved that you know and that you're accepting.

If you get him a gift, it doesn't need to be a expensive one -- it's going to be the symbolism that counts. Jewelry is good, plus you don't have to worry about figuring out his size. I'd also leave him a note telling him how you feel about him -- mainly that you know about his dressing and that you love him regardless.

Good luck to the both of you!

[Veronica E. Scott]

Hello Susan, My name is Veronica I hid this side of me from my wife for 39 years and just recently told her about my other side. She does not want anything to do with CDing. you on the other hand are at least willing to support your man and help him explore what he is feeling. to better understand what he likes ask him to take you shopping. Ask for his advice on what he thinks looks good etc. get the picture you can take it from there. Hope everything works out for you, from what I have read you are an angel sent here to set him free.God bless and take care of both of you.

[Wendy me]

welcome always good to have a new gg here...........

[Tamara Croft]

Hiya Susan

Welcome to the forum. Sorry I haven't replied sooner, but I've been kinda busy ;) The girls here have already given you some excellent advice and I don't think I can add anything. I do have a question though, how exactly did you find out?

I'm going to move this thread to the MTF section as it's gone into more of a discussion than and introduction ;)