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SandraAbsent
03-03-2012, 12:19 PM
Well the cat is out of the bad and waiting to see if the shit hits the fan :)


Dear Father,

For what I am about to discuss, I am writing you a letter primarily because an opportunity to discuss this with you in person seems to never present itself. To begin, I want to say that even though I feel our relationship has been strained most of my adult life, I love you and your wife very much. I feel it is this strain that has made it so difficult to approach you with this subject. I suppose that without too much more gobbledygook, I will get to the point.

You and I will probably both agree that for most of my life the opinion has been that I am a little different. I can think of many times through my childhood where that presented itself. What is probably not known is that for most of my life, I have lived in what I would consider a very deep depression. Its led to an adult life in which I have by all measures self destructed including my health, my finances, my relationships, and my social life. What I haven’t ever discussed with you is the number of times in my life starting from childhood, that either figuratively or literally considered the option of just pulling the plug. It was never really discussed, but after my last heart attack, I actually checked myself out against the doctor’s orders. Something clicked and I checked back in and saved my own life. It was after this last episode with my heart that has prompted me to do something about what has been troubling me as long as I can remember.

Since that time I have been seeking counseling, peer support groups, and medical professionals to help come to terms with what I have going on in my head. The overwhelming conclusion is that I have lived my life with what is known as Gender Identity Disorder. This is a formal diagnosis used by psychiatrists and physicians to describe people who have significant gender dysphoria (discontent with the biological sex they were born with) To put this in much simpler terms, I am not, and never have been happy with being male. Under the guidance of professionals, I have made steps over the last two years to begin my transition into a life lived as woman. This includes progressively living more of my life presenting as a woman, cosmetic treatments such as laser hair removal, and more recently hormone replacement therapy. As of now, I live the majority of my life presented as a woman including my professional life.

I have known about this most of my life. Looking back I can remember events as early as my adolescent years, and while throughout my life episodes would appear, it was mostly repressed by fear, anxiety, and depression. Now that I no longer repress this, my life has been much happier and I truly feel I am putting my life back together piece by piece. Transition is a timeline and not immediate. To dispel any questions you may have at this moment, the answer is yes. I will at some point along this timeline be seeking to surgically correct aspects of my body. Before moving on, I want to insure you that this is not a “lifestyle” or “choice.” Every step that I will making is being handled by professionals and a standards of care that has been defined by the American Medical Association and the American Psychiatric Association.

I understand that by finally telling you this there are several outcomes ranging from disapproval to fully supportive. I also understand that acceptance of this will most likely be as much of a timeline as my own transition is. What I want you to know is that at any point if you want to discuss it I will be more than happy to listen and provide you with any resources that may help you understand this better.

Please know that I love you.

Rianna Humble
03-03-2012, 01:22 PM
Hi Sandra,

That is a very thoughtful and loving letter. I hope that your father responds to that in the way that you deserve :bighug:

arbon
03-03-2012, 01:23 PM
Good letter and I wish you well. :)

Julia_in_Pa
03-03-2012, 01:37 PM
Sandra,

Very well written taking into consideration your fathers feelings without backing down from what you have to tell him.
I know this is very difficult.
Be strong Sandra and be proud of you.
Love you sis!!


Julia

Starling
03-03-2012, 02:02 PM
That's just terrific, Sandra! I've never seen our predicament presented any better, or with greater sensitivity, than in your letter. Good luck!

:) Lallie

Inna
03-03-2012, 02:49 PM
god speed, girl! and No regrets, Love, Inna

Kirsty_D
03-03-2012, 03:32 PM
I like your simple clear explanation, I hope your father accepts you for who you are. I may use parts of your letter to explain to my mother on Friday.

Good luck.

morgan51
03-03-2012, 04:37 PM
Nice direct letter wish you all the acceptance possible nice job.

Traci Elizabeth
03-03-2012, 07:06 PM
Sandra, you and I know your letter is a crap shoot. But as you also know, there is no other choice for you. Some have told you that you wrote a great letter. I will not tell you that as I don't think that anyone has written a "great" letter of this nature to a parent. It's akin to Mom/Dad, I have wonderful news, I have incurable cancer. No words are going to soften the topic of your letter. Just as no words are going to offer assurances and comfort. You had to write that letter. It was the right thing for you to do. It shows that you have strength and have matured whence transitioning. Only the love or lack of love of one's parents heart will dictate the ultimate acceptance or rejection of your decision. But in the big scheme of things, the only person you have to please is yourself. No one else.

Michelle.M
03-03-2012, 10:31 PM
I like your simple clear explanation, I hope your father accepts you for who you are. I may use parts of your letter to explain to my mother on Friday.

Good luck.

I was thinking the same thing. I have one prepared for my brother and I expect to pull the pin on that grenade in a month or two. I may rewrite mine to make some of these same points.

Beautiful letter. Please tell us how it goes!

EnglishRose
03-03-2012, 10:45 PM
Good luck Sandra! I hope that you can take your relationship to new heights with this.

Kristy_K
03-03-2012, 11:49 PM
Very written Sandra. I hope positive results from it.

Laurie Ann
03-04-2012, 08:55 AM
Sandra I hope it goes as you expect

Raychel
03-04-2012, 09:06 AM
this is a pretty big step for you Sandra, With a very well writen letter, I hop ethat all works out well for you.

SandraAbsent
03-04-2012, 11:48 PM
The response is probably as I could have predicted. I'm not disappointing or even surprised. I choose to send a letter opposed to one on one conversation, primarily because this is about what I expected from a relationship that for the most part has been non existent for years. Little upset that he didn't bother to call, but then again neither did I. A little more upset that he choose to speak on behalf of my mother who has been passed for 8 years, and despite the faith values he speaks of, raised us to be respectful of everyone. I suppose time will tell where our relationship goes from here.


Well --- this is your decision to make. I hope you realize this will not solve the deeper underlying issues you have with building lasting relastionships and self-esteem. In reality you may have a more difficult time because of the ridicule, discrimination, and possible violence you will experience. I hope your ready to experience more rejection, more negative work experiences and etc. Of course I hope none of this happens

As for me you will always be my child and I will always love you; you must understand your actions fly in the face of my upbringing, my faith values, and what your mother and I hoped would be the lives any of our children would live. If you are expecting approval from me I sorry I can't give it, this doesn't mean I'm rejecting you. I hope you will be extemely sensitive to the feelings and wishes of your brother and sister's and not place any of them in position of conflict because of their response to your decision; it would break my heart to see the family torn apart.


Dad

Inna
03-05-2012, 12:07 AM
Hi babe, thanks for sharing with us such personal story. It is still mesmerizing to me after grave rejection by my father who rather not say a word then disapprove or what ever fathers do, it is mesmerizing that we ourselves do have a need for approval from people we love.
It is an intrinsic need embedded in our psyche, need to be loved and acknowledged.

Even though you have your fathers permission and his proclamation of love, YOU are YOU, and your truth can only be YOURS and no one else!
And given time all that seemed lost may in fact resurface with embrace.
Be true to your self, love profusely, and follow YOUR path, cause no one else can walk in those heels like you do!!!!! :)

Rianna Humble
03-05-2012, 02:13 AM
Hi Sandra,

I'm sorry that you have received such a disappointing reaction from your father even if you half expected it.

Although the first paragraph does come across quite negatively, I believe that this stems from two underlying things. Firstly his lack of understanding about what GID does to you but also a real concern for what might happen to you in the future.

The start of the second paragraph had begun to encourage me inasmuch as he appears to be trying to overcome the narrow-minded teaching he was brought up with and offer you his love even if he cannot bring himself to offer active support. Unfortunately, to me this is undone by his negative assumption about how this news might affect your brother and sister.

Even though it hurts to get a response that is not very supportive, you know what you need to do and we are here to support you :hugs:

Jenny Doolittle
03-05-2012, 10:27 AM
Although your Father's letter is not supportive as you would have hoped, I did not read in as much negativity as you may have. It seems as though your Father is anticipating a negative reaction to you becoming your true inner self, not understanding that the entire world has become more accepting of change then he has in his own little world. Perhaps if your siblings are more accepting then he is, it will help him to understand you as well.

I wish you and your family the best Sandra.

*Vanessa*
03-05-2012, 10:34 AM
what a nice letter Sandra. You presented yourself in positive light and direction and hope things with your father workout for the best.
-then-
I read your father reaching for anger buttons, will he succeed? I don't think so, as you are on your way to your new life.
Good Luck!

Jorja
03-05-2012, 03:00 PM
A very well written letter, Sandra. I don’t think you could have said it much better without a lot of unnecessary confusion. I would also say that it is about the reaction I would expect from a man from his era. Their world, values and understanding were light years from where we are today. At least he didn’t totally reject you. That is a good thing. You are right in saying, time will tell where your relationship goes from here. Who knows, he may be able to grow enough to actually accept you. Remember though, it is a two way street.

You have done your part. You informed him of your intentions. Now go make Sandra happy and do what you feel you must.