What part of transition gives the most loss / grief

[sandra-leigh]

There have been a number of well-written posts lately about loss and grief in transition. My recollection is that Julia and Traci recently expressed the matter especially well, but I lost track of those posts :sad: . The summary theme is often phrased as,


If you have a choice NOT to transition then DON"T.

And "be prepared to lose everything" is often said.

For those of us who have not transitioned but have full or partial transition in consideration, I wonder if people would mind speaking about which part(s) of transition tended to lead to the biggest problems?

For example, is the sharpest loss pretty much at the time of family announcement? Of work announcement? Or is it, say, later, when you look so much different and people start hassling because they are having trouble accepting the visible changes?

If going part way and then stopping had been an option to you, and you knew then what you know about people now, and you could (somehow) manage to stop just before the phase that gave the most grief, where would that have been? Or to phrase from another angle, what was the critical point after which you felt you might as well go ahead because what remained was not going to make much difference?

e.g., as a TG who is already out to immediate family, and already appears TG in public (including work), I have already gone through a number of steps that are are "hard". It has turned out to be relatively smooth in practice, for me. But which are the steps that really take you over the cliff in terms of public or family?

[Inna]

I suppose as I recall my beginning or rather, means to "an end" turned, eureka moment and decision to fulfill my destiny. Control was not anywhere present, but an overwhelming feeling of the need and relentless pursuit of self fulfilled entire consciousness. I was no longer in control, nor have I ever been, but even the comfortable illusion of such was all but gone. I was a passenger on a runaway train without any knowledge of when shall it run out of the track.

I felt as though I have given permission to the universe to do with me as it pleased knowing in my heart that the truth of the inevitable was mine to hold dear, even if the pain would be unbearable. Unbearable and agonizing, bleeding my love from the scars of loss, I didn't think I will make it through but every new day, every new morning brought sunshine and yet again I was reborn for just that one day.

I too, when thinking of transition often long ago, have dwell on schedules and fazes and progress. Made imaginary chapters of what shall be first and what last, but when the time had come, and reality struck my false self down, after I had finally awaken from the nightmare of deceit and denial, all the plannings and best laid plans were a distant memory and as lasting as castles made of sand.

Commit my self I did, and jumped of the stable ground into the abyss of unknown but fulfilled and true, for the first time in my life, such fall was mesmerizing, beautiful, full of life, scary yet thrilling, terrifying yet inevitable.

YES, I do not wish Transsexuality on any one, but at the same time, I believe in the path of truth, and longer we refuse to embrace such path the more we die each day!

[FurPus63]

Hi
I'm going to be changing to transexual instead of cross-dresser as my status here soon; because that's what's happening to me. It's hard to admit, but true. I want to be a woman more than anything I can imagine and have taken the first steps. Some of it has been forced on me as my wife found out and "outed" me to everyone in my immediate family, except for a couple of people; other steps I'm choosing. I now have a therapist set up and will be taking steps with her to get the hormone treatments going, etc.... so here I go.... transition is happening! I haven't been into it long enough to fully comment on this post, but find it very interesting. One thing is certain, it hasn't been as bad (the forced stuff) as I imagined it would be and I am adjusting to it much better than I thought. Yeah, my family isn't talking to me right now and they don't even want to know the "whole truth" as my wife blasted it to them, but...... I'm living with the current consequences; and prepared much more for what's to come.

More later.....

Paulette

[Kathryn Martin]

For me transition has gone better than I ever expected however the loss of my relationship with my father (everyone else in my family has embraced my transition) has been very difficult, hurtful and filled with pain.

I hope but he is 87 and time is running out.




There have been a number of well-written posts lately about loss and grief in transition. My recollection is that Julia and Traci recently expressed the matter especially well, but I lost track of those posts :sad: . The summary theme is often phrased as,



And "be prepared to lose everything" is often said.

For those of us who have not transitioned but have full or partial transition in consideration, I wonder if people would mind speaking about which part(s) of transition tended to lead to the biggest problems?

For example, is the sharpest loss pretty much at the time of family announcement? Of work announcement? Or is it, say, later, when you look so much different and people start hassling because they are having trouble accepting the visible changes?

If going part way and then stopping had been an option to you, and you knew then what you know about people now, and you could (somehow) manage to stop just before the phase that gave the most grief, where would that have been? Or to phrase from another angle, what was the critical point after which you felt you might as well go ahead because what remained was not going to make much difference?

e.g., as a TG who is already out to immediate family, and already appears TG in public (including work), I have already gone through a number of steps that are are "hard". It has turned out to be relatively smooth in practice, for me. But which are the steps that really take you over the cliff in terms of public or family?

[Kirsty_D]

I'm also just starting down this road and thank you Sandra for asking this question. Inna's reply pretty much explains how I feel, thrown to the mercy of the universe but I could not live any longer with out doing this. There is however going to be some very hard times ahead and I'm very much appreciative of the girls here who have gone before and transitioned yet still hang out here to offer help and advice to us.

[Bree-asaurus]

The hardest part for me, so far, was losing a married couple that were like family to me. When I came out to them, they SEEMED supportive, but there was a lot of selfishness and hidden agendas. It was hard for me to see this because they have been so supportive before and were a HUGE part of my life. Suffering through this for 6 months or so, then finally getting to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, blowing up and telling them to get out of my life, and then the subsequent year missing them was very difficult.

Second to that, what has caused me a lot of grief is basically transitioning, making all these physical changes and feeling like I'm just polishing a turd.

Thankfully though, I have become far more at peace with myself. My stress level, which was insanely high before, is now very manageable. I met the man I'm with right now - loving him and being able to be in a relationship with no secrets or hiding who I really am. And I have become closer with my family now that they know what's going on with me and now that I can be myself around them... and knowing they will always love me for who I am.

[Stephenie S]

I think that the loss of a spouse would be the hardest thing to bear. It's extremely difficult for most women to embrace fact that their beloved husband is gone and that in his place is this slightly silly caricature of a woman. What for many MtF transitioners is a time of joyful awakening can be a time of agonizing despair for their wives.

Eventually, of course, this caricature can mature into a believable female type person, but by then I can guess that most women would be long gone.

Stephenie

[CharleneT]

I think that the loss of a spouse would be the hardest thing to bear. It's extremely difficult for most women to embrace fact that their beloved husband is gone and that in his place is this slightly silly caricature of a woman. What for many MtF transitioners is a time of joyful awakening can be a time of agonizing despair for their wives.

Eventually, of course, this caricature can mature into a believable female type person, but by then I can guess that most women would be long gone.





Stephenie

:iagree: !!

For me there were many losses, I cannot say which is the worst. The good thing is that transition is usually a fairly long process, there is not a distinct end point. SRS isn't it. There are different types of suffering all along the way. But you get stronger as you go thru them. Anyway, the length gives breath, and that helps. If you try and hurry it all along too much, you'll suffer much more.

[Julia_in_Pa]

The biggest and most heart wrenching loss when I transitioned was losing my wife.
There aren't words in my vocabulary that could ever describe the grief that I had and to this day still have.
For me that loss was so bad that I came very close to suicide because of it.

I can never get over this so I have had to go around it in order to live another day.
Time in it's own way has provided a certain amount of Novocaine for my heart but never enough to accept what has occurred.


Julia

[EnglishRose]

None yet, and I have a bit of "survivors guilt" about that. Haven't met any adversity apart from of course the fact I completely tore my spouse's world apart two years ago. However she is my supportive rock now.

[sandra-leigh]

I appreciate these candid and thoughtful responses! Thank you!

[Bree-asaurus]

None yet, and I have a bit of "survivors guilt" about that.

I probably have a little of that too. I haven't lost a spouse or kids. I haven't lost any blood family or any of my friends. I did lose the people I mentioned above, and they were kind of like adoptive parents and best friends. The wife and I were very close... I'd never had a friend like her before. Before dealing with any TS issues, they were the ones that really turned my life around and put me on the right track. I was right there with them as they were adding a new little one to the family, and I watched her grow up for four years. I think I tend to put her out of my mind... because still when I think about her I get choked up. I burned my pictures of the couple, but I still have pictures of her somewhere...

[AKAMichelle]

The only loss that bothers me is that of access to my boys and grand kids when they finally have them.

I don't think it would change much about my clients. I am finalizing my divorce and my parents are never gonna accept. I haven't spoken with my father or brother for 3 years. The sad part is that it had to do with my parents getting a divorce.

[Katesback]

The hardest part of transition is comming to the realitization that your really not to person you were before nor can you ever be. What does that mean?

It basically means for your own health you really have to walk away from the old life completely, that sadly means everything including the job and all. If one does not then they are haunted by the constant rememberances of being a boy that changed into a girl.

Of course there are people that are totally cool with being "that trans girl". On the other hand there are some of us that wont accept that and fight to just be women.

I lost my family, my old friends, everything from the past, and I did it by my choice for the most part. The person from before is dead. It's sometimes sad to think about, but after all the dust settled I realized it was important to start over completely.

Of course none of these realitizations could have ever come about had I yet to have SRS. This is one of the reasons I say transition really starts after SRS. Anything prior to that is with training wheels. Dont agree with me thats fine I really dont care but do me a favor once you have SRS (if you do) tell me I was right because I was the same as most pre op girls when I was pre op. I was like I am me and thats the big change. Duhhh was I wrong. SRS changes everything!!!!!

Katie

[Stephenie S]

Yup. SRS changes EVERYTHING!

S

[Jamie Dawn]

What I have found most difficult so far is that when I started to dress the way I have allways wanted to on an everyday basis my mother-in-law who I thought supported me because I had told her about it long before I started dressing completely lost it and came after me about it. But what makes it even harder is my wife who knew about it ever since before we were married has now been bombarded by her mother negatively about it on a nearly day to day basis and that has now put her in the middle of the two people she really loves. I won't ask her to chose one of us because it's not the right thing to do but I think at some point her mother will, so what I will do is love my wife as much as possable, be as caring and understandable as I possably can so that hopefully she sees the love I am giving shining through all of the hate her mother is thowing her direction and is at some point able to tell her mother "I love you but, stop it! I married a wonderful person and am staying by her side so get used to it."
Jamie