Okay..why is "she" in charge?

[Marleena]

So I finally admitted to myself I'm TG and let her out to play after years of keeping her locked up. After a few months "she" is in charge now. She's changing my thought process and taking control of my life. She changes my dreams while I'm sleeping and she's the first thing on my mind in the morning. It's kinda scary at times. I'm not used to her being in charge. She's trying to lock "him" up now.

I think I'll let her be though, she makes me so happy.

Do you let "her" take charge or lock her up when you have to?

Edit: Some of you are missing the point. How do you find balance? Or are the urges to be enfemme not there most of the time like it is for me? My male side is taking a back seat lately.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Marleena! I know exactly what you're saying. I've started thinking in new ways. When my mind wanders, it's generally back to the TG questions I tried to avoid for so long. I don't know that it's changed my dreaming much. I've always had CD dreams from time to time that usually involve me being dressed and out in public. The dreams vary: sometimes it's an embarrassing situation, sometimes I seem to be cool with things.

It does occupy a lot of my thoughts these days. But like you, I just go with the flow. It's new for me, and I don't dislike it. I'm not sure where this will take me, but I'm going to carry on with it because I'm so tired of trying to suppress such thoughts for so long.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[Persephone]

Oh, Marleena, do I know that feeling! My spouse claims that I killed "him." I disagree, I just figure I want my "fair share" of time in our condominium body, say around 85%.

I suspect that the real key is how "she" or "he" affects your quality of life. Is "she" causing difficulty in your marriage and family relationships? Is "she" (or "he") causing you to miss work? To spend more money than you should? And importantly, the thing you mentioned, does "she" make you happy or sad?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[sandra-leigh]

In my dreams these days, Cthulhu himself comes across as a mere nuisance (the ichor messes up clothes) -- but if I'm in my panties and I can't find my skirt when I need to go outside, then It's Time For a Tizzy!

[Missy]

we rule as one and do things as one that is what makes me me both male side and female side live as one person if I even tried to split them up I would find my self looked away in some padded room lol

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

There's not two people living in my head, there's just one person who is both male and female simultaneously. I honestly don't know how you ladies don't go crazy with this elective dissociative identity disorder thing going on, but if it works for you more power to you!

[Cheryl T]

She is me and I am she and we are all together... (apologies to the Beatles)....

As I tell people....I used to be schizophrenic...but We're ok now!

[Marleena]

She is me and I am she and we are all together... (apologies to the Beatles)....

As I tell people....I used to be schizophrenic...but We're ok now!

Maybe that's the problem with me..lol.:)

[sissystephanie]

Marleena,

I am always ME, whether I am dressed enfemme or in drab. Of course I am a male, but I do have a feminine side. But "she" doesn't rule me anymore than my male side does. I guess I am a lot like JiveTurkey!! If you let your feminine side run your life, you may be much more than a TG!

[Marleena]

There's not two people living in my head, there's just one person who is both male and female simultaneously. I honestly don't know how you ladies don't go crazy with this elective dissociative identity disorder thing going on, but if it works for you more power to you!

Some of you are missing the point. How do you find balance? Or are the urges to be enfemme not there most of the time?

[Miriam-J]

Some of you are missing the point. How do you find balance? Or are the urges to be enfemme not there most of the time?

I just remind myself that the balance matters to two very important people: My wife and me.

Miriam

[Marleena]

I just remind myself that the balance matters to two very important people: My wife and me.

Miriam

Thanks Miriam.:) Then in fact we need to suppress the urges of the femme side to achieve balance.

[Ally 2112]

Ally is always there in some sort of way .I have tried reasoning with her pleading with her and have tried to purge her .But just like the cat she just comes back and way stronger now than ever .So for me the balence is definately in ally's favour .My guy mode more and more seems to be the act now not my girl side

[Lori B]

Some of you are missing the point. How do you find balance? Or are the urges to be enfemme not there most of the time?I tend to just go with the flow Marleena.....but sometimes Lori gets very impatient and irritable...oh wait,,,thats me,,err,,no Lori....:heehee:

[docrobbysherry]

I'm NOT in touch with my fem side the way many of u r, Marleena. But, I can tell u ONE THING FOR SURE! While I don't know Sherry well, I DO sense she's a heck of a lot more fun to be around than ME!

If the same is tru for u other girls, it's no wonder u want "her" to be in charge!

[Marleena]

I'm NOT in touch with my fem side the way many of u r, Marleena. But, I can tell u ONE THING FOR SURE! While I don't know Sherry well, I DO sense she's a heck of a lot more fun to be around than I am!

If the same is tru for u other girls, it's no wonder u want "her" to be in charge!

There we go we're back on track! It's not about split personalities it's about the female/male sides of our personalities.:)

Sherry is fun for you. My female side is more fun for me and I've allowed that side to take charge. That's what makes me happiest, just like Sherry does for you.:) It can all get confusing like we've seen here so far.

[Linda Daniels]

I have, gradually but simply, come to realize that I Am female...just packaged inappropriately & with way too much of life's experience living as a male. I could say more now, but that will most likely confuse the basic simplicity of my response.

[Karinsamatha]

I have, gradually but simply, come to realize that I Am female...just packaged inappropriately & with way too much of life's experience living as a male. I could say more now, but that will most likely confuse the basic simplicity of my response.

I had arrived at a similar conclusion, and more importantly admitted it to my self. Prior to admitting to my self that I was "packaged incorrectly" I felt so much better when she was in charge. He is slowly fading into the sunset.

[Jeninus]

I think there's balance between myself and Jen...or Jennifer. Most of the time I'm in drab, but Jen gets her time in the evening. What is interesting to me is that since I retired, Jen is becoming a larger part of my inner psyche during the day. Jen is demanding that I lose 30 pounds over the next six or eight months so that "our" body will be more feminine-looking when "we" are out en femme, i.e. less physically imposing. This ties in with my own desire to lose that same weight strictly for health reasons. So Jen has given us a second reason and incentive to exercise regularly and vigorously, to eat sparingly and lose the weight: vanity in addition to improved health -- and she has been unrelenting the past couple of months.

My wife has justifiably complained that I sometimes seem to be too self-absorbed and I know what she means; so I am doing my best to make sure that Jen does not place undue stress on our marriage. I suppose it is all a mild and relatively benign form of Dissociative Identity Disorder and one that I am doing my best to keep under control. I think by definition, many of us are enjoying some degree of D.I.D. :-)

[Ineke Vashon]

I am still new at acknowledging my feminine side, although it has been there for long, long time. As I experience my new feelings, I am still the same man, however I seem to be 'growing' a separate 'being' (can't find a name for it yet) It is not a struggle between two personalities. It's more a new, additional way of thinking, less prejudiced, less defensive of male ego, and more open to new ways of thought. I believe Native Americans refer to this as having, or being, Twin Spirits. I like that idea.

Ineke

[Rachel Morley]

I think I have balance. As a matter of fact I actually end up dressing a little more than my urge to dress. I have such a lot of opportunity that even though compared to some people I don't dress "that" much, it's more than enough for me. I don't dress much at home, I dress about 3 times a month for social reasons like going out to dinner, going over other TG friends houses for social get-togethers or going a TG support group event, that kind of thing.)

[Debb]

I'm not gonna say I'm balanced... not at all.

I will say, however, that as spring draws near, I am more in "her" influence than "his". By a long shot.

[PretzelGirl]

Balance is not necessarily and even weighted scale. It is about making sure all things in your life get their just due. If you are en femme 90% of the time and your wife is okay with it and you get to work and you have time with your friends...... and so on, then you are in balance. So yes, if you feel you should be dressed 90% of the time but the reality is that you should only be dressed 60% to give everything and everyone else their just due, then you do have to suppress yourself. But realize that if you give those other people and things their time and then make the most of your dressing time, you will probably feel just fine. If you don't, then you are probably should consider looking for professional assistance to explore why.

[Marleena]

Balance is not necessarily and even weighted scale. It is about making sure all things in your life get their just due. If you are en femme 90% of the time and your wife is okay with it and you get to work and you have time with your friends...... and so on, then you are in balance. So yes, if you feel you should be dressed 90% of the time but the reality is that you should only be dressed 60% to give everything and everyone else their just due, then you do have to suppress yourself. But realize that if you give those other people and things their time and then make the most of your dressing time, you will probably feel just fine. If you don't, then you are probably should consider looking for professional assistance to explore why.

That makes sense Sue. So far girl time is not interfering with anything but it is still progressing.

Great replies from everybody btw.:)

[Miriam-J]

Balance is not necessarily and even weighted scale. It is about making sure all things in your life get their just due. If you are en femme 90% of the time and your wife is okay with it and you get to work and you have time with your friends...... and so on, then you are in balance. So yes, if you feel you should be dressed 90% of the time but the reality is that you should only be dressed 60% to give everything and everyone else their just due, then you do have to suppress yourself. But realize that if you give those other people and things their time and then make the most of your dressing time, you will probably feel just fine. If you don't, then you are probably should consider looking for professional assistance to explore why.

Nicely said, Sue. Balance is certainly more a matter of meeting the needs of each person involved, including yourself, as best you can. It reminds me of the difficulty I've always had with balancing my roles as father, husband, engineer, ... and just plain me. Sometimes it seems I can't make anyone happy, but I have to try anyway.

I spend about 50 hours a week strictly as a man just doing the job and getting between home and work. I might say I then deserve 40-50 hours of gal time to balance it out, but that would be fair to neither my wife nor myself - not even considering the time for my son and others. I settle for maybe 10-15 hours a week of gal time and consider myself fortunate for that since it's much, much more than in my previous marriage. I guess this is balance, and when the fulcrum moves I'll be ready to rebalance.

Miriam

[AnitaH]

Although I must be in drab mode the vast majority of the time I find Anita is never very far in the background. It gets increasingly harder to keep Anita out of the way when the male side needs to be in charge. I struggle to keep things in balance as I'm not free to let that side of me out often. But maybe in a year or two she can take charge, I think I'd welcome that very much.

AnitaH

[AlanaG]

To me balance means that you're happy with what is. If what I do puts my SO into a tizzy, then that would reflect on how I feel. "When mama's not happy, nobody is happy." So I would have to adjust. Any relationship is about balance; whether it be with you and your SO, or you (male) and you (female). Life is one big melting pot of stuff. If it doesn't taste good, then you need to adjust the recipe.

[taís]

Do you let "her" take charge or lock her up when you have to?

usually I only have to "lock her up" when we start spending too much money! :x

(then again, last saturday afternoon I just happened to be on a shopping mall and what "she" did? took control of my legs as I was passing in front of the local MAC store. noooooooo—Hi, I need help concealing my beard shadow. took the SA some good minutes working on my face to mumble "Uh... why?", and I didn't felt particularly well when she said she didn't know what "crossdresser" meant and that no, she never saw any transfolk at that store. but she was just curious and proceeded smiling and treating me nicely (as any smart SA would do), so in the end I thought, well, that wasn't so bad... or bad at all ^ ^ ...apart from an unplanned expenditure on concealer and foundation... btw ~random local fact~ can you believe a (sexy, beautiful) MAC 190 foundation brush here costs the equivalent of US$100?!? for that money I expect it to do all the job by itself lol >.< this item "she's" not getting!))


aw, yeah... there was one or two times when "she" looked in the mirror and said "ok! 1... 2... 3... go! out the door! go go go! one-two! ready hup!" and I had to jump and hold her legs and throw her to the ground and use a straitjacket to stop her going out. (lucky for me there are a few tricks (http://www.wikihow.com/Escape-from-a-Straitjacket) she doesn't know... yet)

[KellyJameson]

Marleena you really are adorable. Think of your circumstances as a pendulum that is swinging back and forth looking for it's true equilibrium. You spent a lifetime keeping your true self locked up and now like a pressure cooker it has exploded all over the kitchen ceiling.

Through will power you surpressed (controlled) your emotions keeping the pendulum locked in an extreme right angle and it has swung fully to it's opposite. You have let go of a false identity by playing a role and in some ways you are playing a different role but this one is closer to the truth of who you are and may be fully the truth, this is for you to discover.

Balance is the opposite of control and comes from an inner calm that takes you naturally to balance. Difficult to have inner calm when you have been starving all your life and are now standing at a buffet table so feast on your desires and when you are full than the balance will come.

If you have the freedom from consequences than I urge you to live exactly as you wish. I was never able to adopt that male role and create that male persona, it would have killed my will to live so I treat living true to self as very serious but this is something that has to be discovered, it takes mindful awareness ( getting to know yourself), risk, patience and time. You may think you are going crazy at times but in reality you are escaping the insanity of the world you came from.

We move toward health as we learn to stop lying to ourselves and believing the lies we were told that we treat as truths. One way to do this is by taking risks because this opens up opportunities to learn what is true and what is not. Everything outside of your mind is a tool to be used to learn about you but it is a matter a learning how to give up control and yet not bring harm to yourself which is what I call wisdom
( often hard won ), the universe does not give up anything of value for free.

[Bex]

There's not two people living in my head, there's just one person who is both male and female simultaneously. I honestly don't know how you ladies don't go crazy with this elective dissociative identity disorder thing going on, but if it works for you more power to you!
A good way of putting it! I'm a girl and a guy, though the girl inside me is stronger. The guy inside me is a little more easily confused and stubborn. Go figure!

[Elara]

Hi Marleena

That's exactly what I am trying to find in my life right now, balance. Elara doesn't get anywhere near enough time at the moment and she's just bursting to shine a little. I'm only just beginning to think I need to find more time for her.

[ReineD]

Some of you are missing the point. How do you find balance? Or are the urges to be enfemme not there most of the time?

My SO did it by going out in the mainstream. Often. Being out and about dressed, doing everything he does in guy mode, stopped being an unattainable goal.

There was a period of time when the pendulum did swing decidedly over to the femme side, in terms of the amount of time involved in thinking about it or wanting to do it. There is something about unexpressed desire that tends to take over the spirit. I dare say that as long as there is unexpressed desire, it is easy to confuse this with feelings that one might be TS?

And then early on there decidedly was an elation associated with the discovery that she could be out there dining, shopping, visiting galeries, bookstores, etc, and get away with it. But then after some years it rather became normal. It's no big deal for her to just dress and go out to do something for a few hours. She knows she can do so at any time, and when she comes home it's also not a big deal to revert to guy mode. This is because she knows that if she wants to go out again tomorrow, she can, and it won't be an all day affair.

I guess earlier on it took such an emotional effort to dress (the preparation time and also wondering if the nails, hair, clothing choices, etc were good enough), there was an angst attached to it and it did seem to be all encompassing. But she simplified her preparation time through practice and by shaving legs on a regular basis whether or not she goes out, and getting lazer facial hair treatments, and also growing out her own nails thus eliminating the need for press-ons or even having to put polish on her nails (like most women :)). So now it is just a matter of jumping in the shower, then makeup (it takes her 15 minutes to put it on), get dressed and out the door (just like me). It doesn't take any effort, it is easily doable, she knows she can do it whenever she wants, and so now on a daily basis, when he's in guy mode he's focused on whatever activity he's engaged in because she's out there on a regular basis whenever she feels like it. I know I'm repeating myself because I'm searching for the right words that will explain all of this, sorry. Anyway, she goes out a few times per week and the rest of the time he's happy doing whatever he's doing.

Edit - Oh, and one last thing. I don't live in my SO's skin so I'm guessing, but knowing him/her as well as I do, I think he did make a concerted effort to live in the moment. This means that when engaged in activities while in guy mode that he does enjoy, to note that he is enjoying them rather than "pine away" (for lack of a better word), for something else. This is the true indication there is balance, IMO, for anyone in any situation ... the ability to enjoy whatever moment is at hand. It's a Zen thing. :)

[erickka]

I just remind myself that the balance matters to two very important people: My wife and me.

Miriam

I couldn't have said it any better myself!

[Sharon B.]

My feminine self has taken over 90 percent of the time since I have been laid off, hopefully I will be called back when work picks back up. Until then Sharon has control as to what I will do and lately it has been going to the store wearing makeup and going out for drives dressed as a woman. She wants to go and have a manicure done later this week, she thinks once that is done she will have the confidence to go out fully dressed as a woman and do her grocery shopping as one.
Should that happen I don't think I will be able to control her, I think she will have taken over his life as he knows it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marleena, Been there and done that we are two in one inseperable.

[Frédérique]

Do you let "her" take charge or lock her up when you have to? Some of you are missing the point. How do you find balance? Or are the urges to be enfemme not there most of the time like it is for me? My male side is taking a back seat lately.

Since I don’t believe in a female “self” hidden under the many layers of male bluster, it follows that nobody is in charge. There is no female side to take the lead, nor is there a male side to take a back seat. SHE is there, at all times, right beside HIM, if you insist on not being “together.” So, SHE never gets locked up – I couldn’t be typing this if “she” wasn’t here, correct? No matter what kind of clothing I wear, or what manners I am affecting, I am ME. I really never developed this feeling of two “sides,” preferring to be as I am and merely change my outward appearance. The few times in my life I was not able to crossdress, “she” was still their, waiting patiently…
:straightface:

[Jeninus]

Since I don’t believe in a female “self” hidden under the many layers of male bluster, it follows that nobody is in charge. There is no female side to take the lead, nor is there a male side to take a back seat. SHE is there, at all times, right beside HIM, if you insist on not being “together.” So, SHE never gets locked up – I couldn’t be typing this if “she” wasn’t here, correct? No matter what kind of clothing I wear, or what manners I am affecting, I am ME. I really never developed this feeling of two “sides,” preferring to be as I am and merely change my outward appearance. The few times in my life I was not able to crossdress, “she” was still their, waiting patiently…
:straightface:

Is "she" a backseat driver?

[Kate Simmons]

Not really the case for myself Hon. Neither "he" or "she" is in charge but my amalgamated self is. I merged both sets of feelings sometime ago and am whoever I choose to be at any given time with no conflict.:)

[Marleena]

"Marleena....You know!....Marleena from the forum?....Wears pink?.....A bit unbalanced.................Yeah THAT'S her.......so anyway...."

Lol..you got me there Scarlet. It was my turn.:)

[kimdl93]

I understand the question wasn't about who's in charge, but rather why the balance can seem to shift more towards a female vs male identification. My experience suggests that its in part opportunity - when we are expected or obliged to present as males at work or elsewhere, that's what we usually do. But given the opportunity (assuming an accepting SO) - by working at home, or when the kids move out, or at retirement, the opportunities expand for presenting as female. After having denied that part of oneself for so long, its not surprising that we may choose to spend more time en femme.

Of course, there's also the possibility that one might become obsessed with presenting as female. I don't suppose this is intrinsically harmful...but it could be if one can think of little else. Having been diagnosed with OCD once upon a time, I have to be mindful of this myself. And yes, every garment in my underwear drawer is neatly folded, thank you.

[Gillian Gigs]

The pendulum on the clock swings back and forth. It can take time to reach equilibrium, or the middle ground. The question is, do you want things at the extreme of the swing, or something in the middle? Only time will tell.

[ArleneRaquel]

For me the pendulum is stuck @Arlene about 90% of the time. :)