Caught again... Long post

[Shadeauxmarie]

I was caught again just after Thanksgiving. During my vacation during the holiday week, I had a pink fog overcome me and I tried several things I had not tried before. For one, I ordered some breast forms. And I loved them. For another, I took some pictures of myself, and I posted them on this board. I made sure I did not show my face because I have not been able to put on makeup to my satisfaction.

Well, I thought I had deleted all the photos off the computer. I had deleted them, but my wife was searching the computer for some specific pictures and the search pulled up the pictures from the Recycle Bin. She recognized they were recent from the Christmas decorations. There was a lot of screaming at me for my inability to "control myself." Ultimately, I promised to seek therapy. I certainly didn't believe there was a cure for me, but I agreed to placate my wife, and I thought therapy would be good for me anyway.

Since my company provides two free sessions without any questions, I scheduled an appointment in January with the therapist the company recommended. I didn’t like that he labeled me immediately as being a sexual addict since my crossdressing is primarily a sexual release for me. The additional benefit from the company is my wife would get two sessions also. I wanted our first sessions to be independent so I could be open and honest with the therapist.

After the two therapist sessions were over, I told my wife I didn’t feel comfortable going back to him. Another issue I had has his office was not convenient for me. This time I selected a therapist closer to me, and one who said she had some experience in transgender issues. I have had one session with her and I feel like this is the right path for me. She suggested couples therapy in the future, but wanted me to feel comfortable with her first. She also wants to explore some things I told her during the first session. When she asked about my step-father, I began talking and eventually ended up crying because she asked questions about how I was treated and I realized I had been physically abused. I repressed an incident where he was hitting me on my arm with a closed fist until he broke his hand. The therapist said I will need to work on this issue as well. I have another session scheduled and I am looking forward to it. This therapist was so easy to talk to. I may also like her because she told me she doesn't believe crossdressing is my biggest problem. She said some of the other things in my life need addressing so I can relieve stress. She thinks I need to focus on communicating with my wife better. I agree.

[mbmeen12]

Wow what courage you've shown writing you heart and soul into this post.

[JessHaust]

Courage indeed, that post took a lot. Thanks for sharing. While none of us here are therapists, at least I don't think there are any lurking here, we all share a common desire, and have much insight into each other that is not shared by the outside world. Some of us are very comfortable with our desires, others are not. Some are even tormented by it. I'm very comfortable and now in a great place but still the most important thing is my wife. If I could not communicate to her my feelings, I would be a wreck, so I agree with the therapist, work on communication first. The rest will follow it's natural course. I hope it goes for you like it did for me, but however it works out, it has to fit you and your wife, not anyone else. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Abbey Lane]

Well some women are more understanding than others. I wish the best of luck to you. Try to find some information from this site. I had copied some prior notes and memos and had them for her to read and it helped. I been dressing for +50 years and finally told my wife after 14 years of marriage and she just laughed it off. But to each their own. Only stipulation was that my wife didn't want to meet Abbey or see her. Good luck.

[kimdl93]

Counseling can be beneficial to most of us at one time or another, but it seems in your case that its essential. I can only begin to imagine the inner turmoil caused by esperiencing cruelty at the hands of your step father, and then repressing it for years.

Also, you were wise to seek out a therapist with some expereince in transgender issues. Sexual addiction is an easy label to throw onto any behavior we relate to sexuality, but I suspect that often its coincedental in that we often become overtly aware of our desire to CD about the same time in life that our hormones begin to engage. That doesn't mean that one causes the other or vice versa.

[Sallee]

Counseling can certainly be good regardless of the issue. Couples therapy down the road may be good to to help your wife deal with your CDing.
I found it helpful with my problems and hers. She accepts my CDing but it is more like a DADT.
Good luck I think you are on the right path

[Marleena]

Sorry to hear of your issues Marie. As you know there is no cure and your wife is wrong to think she can make you stop. The couples counselling will help in that respect to get her to at least understand what is going on. Sounds like you are doing your best to deal with the situation. All the best!

[Melissa_59]

Counseling helped me realize that my father wasn't rotten to the core like I believed for so long. He was extremely abusive, physically and later emotionally, but I realized he did this because he thought he was "raising us right". That's how he was treated when he was growing up, and he didn't know any better way to raise me and my two brother and sister. He was also the (rather typical) type who thought it was unmanly to get advice on raising children, because 'real men know what to do' and all that.

When it finally hit me after one session (I was driving home when this struck) why he did this to us, it felt like a cold wind blowing across me. I finally understood, after almost 50 years, why he did this. He's gone now, and I don't hate him anymore. I just feel sorry for him that he missed out on what could have been a great relationship with his children, if he wouldn't have resulted to fear and humiliation to try to bring us up.

I have a great relationship with my daughters. I know what it's like to love and respect your children and have the same back from them. My father never had that, we feared and hated him.

Melissa

[Shadeauxmarie]

Thanks for all your input. I never hated my dad, but I finally realized I hated the way I and my brothers were treated. Indeed, his strict Southern Baptist upbringing demanded corporal punishment for minor misdeeds. We were never close to him, and consequently, my brothers are not close to each other.

I intend to continue therapy to explore me, and my thoughts.

[Miriam-J]

As you appear to have discovered already, there are a host of issues that can impede our relationships. Besides the personal issues you've pocketed away for so many years, lack off communication between spouses is the result of many barriers built up over time. A good therapist can help you to dig gently into your pockets and develop tactics to move forward in acceptance of the unchangeable past. She can also help you and your wife to identify and remove your many barriers, again with tactics to move forward again dealing together with the good and bad of your reality. Be patient and gentle, and be sensitive to the world views of your wife as you move forward.

Miriam

[Alice Torn]

A lot of us do have issues from childhoods, and abuse. I go to a 12 step group, and a VA therapist. I have showed her photos of me dressed. She is accepting. What gets my goat, at times, is that when a husband is "caught", immediately, the wife blasts him, and he must seek help, or its the highway!! However, how many husbands blast, and scream at wives who are "caught" dressed like men, or showing too much in public? It is sad, that crossdressing is still considered great perversion, today.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Tough break, Michelle. Is the therapy something you really want to go through? My question is really more rhetorical than anything else as I hope you're not going in hopes of really finding a cure. I do hope your marriage works out, and that you get through the coming months as well as you can.

[Barbara Ella]

Therapy can be good with the right therapist. Hope you feel good about yours. Please dont go into this with the thought that the wife thinks she can make you stop, think of it as she wants you to stop, at least i would hope this is her real intention. Wanting change implies a love for you. Making you change implies a dominance and lack of respect. wanting means that with time their might be an educational awakening if she takes the group therapy seriously, and listens to the discussions, and is honest.

I truly hope this works for you, it was a terrible way to come out, but a good point for all to remember, deleting does not remove, emptying the recycle bin removes from untrained searchers.