Tired of being what I am.

[Delila]

I feel as though I have reached a point where I can't take what I am anymore. It's not just the hiding though that is part of it it's not just the overwhelming feeling of self doubt though that is some part too. I am just tired of being a person with issues. I am tired of hiding what and who I am from the world. I am tired of living. Well I tried to think of what I am tired of living as but really tired of living pretty well fits. I walked around a mall last night admiring the amazing clothes and knowing that even if i could afford them I could never really wear them. I spent the afternoon pretending to be something that I am not today all of the time thinking and knowing that I am hiding something important from the world. Why does everything have to be so hard? I feel like I have more problems than others but aside from having to hide this I feel like the hiding is less painful than the fact that I can't get over something that I can't control. I am generally in good control of my feelings but lately everything just feels sad. I am for the first time in my life considering counceling which is saying something as i deeply distrust councilors. sorry if I seem to be just whining I am just overwhelmed ATM and this feels like the only place I can go to.

[Michaela51]

Let it out, feel it, but talk to to someone. Find someone to talk to, this is important. It is more damaging to hold it inside. Even if you just continue to post here, let the words go out of you. We care. There are many feeling people here.

[joanna marie]

What you are feeling is perfectly normal
We all feel like this at times
I really sugest that you find someone to talk to,this forum is a great place to start
I see that you have several friends on your profile page,if you don't want to discuss your feeling on an open thread do it with a PM to one of those friends.
If there is a CD/TG conferene you can get to it will help you realize that are ways to cope

I'm twice your age and have been in hiding twice as long as you have.
There seems to be a more TG accepting society of people your agew and younger.
Go find them! that will give you a place to be who you are

just remember we are here for you

[Persephone]

Delila,

I am very sorry to hear about how you are feeling. I completely understand your reluctance to talk with a councillor but I would urge you to try your best to overcome your reluctance and to see a medical doctor or another professional. My reasoning is that if you are "generally in good control of my feelings but lately everything just feels sad," then it is very possible that something physical or electrochemical could be the cause and you owe it to yourself to see if something like that could be happening.

I also agree with Michaela. We are all physically distant from one another, but many of us here really do care and are very willing to "listen," so please do post here.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[paulaloha]

Yes we care very much! I understand a small part about what you feel. Not being able to actually be yourself around anyone. It is not natural for us to live life alone, we were created as social beings. I can honestly say that a few months ago I going the direction you are currently going in my thoughts. But I recently found a friend who I told, it turned out well for me and my friend accepted me for who I am and now we talk about my dressing and joke and have a good time. All that to say that finding a friend to talk to helped me a ton!

I don't know if you believe in Jesus, but I do and I will put in a word for you!

You can do this girl! Hang in there!

[ReineD]

I heard a fascinating show tonight on National Public Radio, "Fresh Air". It was an interview with a Princeton religious professor, Elaine Pagels, who just wrote a book about the Book of Revelations. She is considered one of the world's most important writers on religious history. I don't want to repeat the contents of the interview since this would belong in the Religious Discussion section, but I do want to tell you something Ms Pagels said at the very end of the interview that struck me deeply.

When asked what her personal spiritual beliefs are, as a person who must remain objective due to the nature of her research, Ms Pagels said there are certain insights, certain deeper truths that give people a sense of authenticity and meaning to their lives that are outside of any prescribed religion. One of the truths that brings meaning to her own life is found in the Gospel of Thomas (which is one of the lost texts that was found in the Egyptian desert in 1945 that never made it into the Bible. It is believed to have been suppressed by one of the early Christian Bishops in the fourth century AD).

Anyway, the Gospel of Thomas is composed of sayings attributed to Jesus. One of these sayings rings true to Ms Pagels, as it rings true to me, and I thought I would share it with you:

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth with destroy you."

I shared with you this convoluted story to say that it is important for you to be true to yourself. It is a good idea to seek counseling, since it is my experience that counseling helps people determine who they are, so they can be true to themselves. :)

[paulaprimo]

let it out girl, i for one can relate to what you are saying and i'm sure that there are many others here also. there are good days and bad days. i pride myself in being honest, so it pains me to live a lie. i understand the feeling of buying something pretty, and then how very frustrating it can be when you get all dolled up only to play in your closet!! i don't have the answers, and not really sure if there are any... at least here there is always a sympathetic ear and many with the same feelings!! don't give up!!

[Noortje]

Being tired of being a person with issues happens to every person with issues, every now and then. Life is hard enough without this stuff, right? I have this feeling too, sometimes, especially when I forget that almost everyone else has issues, too. Being sad about having issues is not going to help you deal with them, though.

What really helps is talking to someone about it. This person can be a friend, a family member, someone from a support group, or a professional. I see your trepidation about councilors, but let me assure you that talking to one can help. No, they are not perfect. Yes, it is important to find one that you like. This is hard and scary! But remember that you do not have to let this person root around your innermost thoughts and feelings if you do not want to. Talking to them will help you, even if you disagree with their opinion and decide to stop seeing them after a few sessions. You basically have nothing to lose by trying it, and who knows, maybe it will help?

I also understand that it is kind of depressing to see all those beautiful clothes, and think that you'll never be able to wear them. But maybe you underestimate your ability to make your life what you want it to be? I don't know anything about your personal life (age, school, job, where you live) so I can't give you any specific advice, but I do know that many people eventually find a way to integrate their gender feelings into their life in a satisfactory way. It is possible. Maybe with the help of a friend or a professional, you can find a way too?

[GinaD]

My heart goes out to you Delila. Please take time to talk to someone so you don't do something irreversible. We all feel like you at one time or another, whether its about our lifestyle or some other challenge of life. Please remember you are not dealing with this thing called life alone, and that you can endure. Sometimes being able to talk to someone who can point out things easier because they are not directly involved can do wonders to gain perspective. Give it, and life, another chance. Don't give up.

[Krista Doll]

my heart goes out to you as well but it sounds like you need too see a councelor to get things in order.

[Kerstin]

Hey Delila. Please try to put aside your distrust of counsellors and find one to talk to. What you're feeling will never truly go away unless you confront it head on and work out the best way forward. It won't be easy but it's better than suffering in private, right? You can deal with this, and we're all here to help you. You made the first step already by posting this. Continue to talk, talking's good. Eventually you will reach a level of acceptance that allows you to live in contentment.

[kimdl93]

Might I ask why you have a distrust of couselors? Have you had any bad experiences in the past? If not, it the distrust could be part of a pattern of negating opportunities to change and improve your life. As many have said, the reality is that life can often be difficult. We can lament our situation, but laments, although cathartic, don't change anything.

To effect change requires action. Your first action towards improving your life could be overcoming this barrier of distrust and allowing yourself to open up to a professional therapist.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Delia, Just as the others have said. "Let it out." You are not alone. I, for one, share your feelings and thoughts. I have found that talking helps. I have the same thoughts of tiredness of hiding what I am. Fear of rejection. Fear of not finding internal peace. Fear of not being able to wear the pretty fancy clothes. And I am tired of all the economic problems I have. Just tired of the overwhemed feelings I have. Sometimes I think of the line from Sinatra's "That's Life", " "Want to roll up into a great ball and die, That's life"

Somehow I am still here and taking it one day at a time as it comes.

[Laura912]

Kim asks a good question about the counseling. Having had that role among others and worked with other counsellors, I noticed that younger people avoid counseling until the dam is about to break...probably because of the invincible youth syndrome. You are young (chronologically). Prehaps the expense is a deterrent but maybe someone on this group is physically near you and could meet and just listen. John Dunne said it well:
(change the pronouns)

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as a manor of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Delila, I can feel what you're going through and don't worry, it happens to all of us at one time or another. Appreciate the fact that you felt confident enough to tell us. Listen to all the comments listed above and give yourself some time, you'll work through this.

[Debglam]

I heard a fascinating show tonight on National Public Radio, "Fresh Air". It was an interview with a Princeton religious professor, Elaine Pagels, who just wrote a book about the Book of Revelations. She is considered one of the world's most important writers on religious history.

I heard this too. Fascinating interview.

I hope this gives you some comfort Delila. As others have said, we have all felt that way at one time or another.

[sherri]

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth with destroy you."Great contribution to the thread.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Delila! A long time ago a friend of mine wrote a poem about a hunchback. As he explained it, the point of the poem was that the hunchback has a certain advantage over everybody else: his defect is at least obvious, and so he learns how to deal with it. He can't do otherwise.

I think we TG's are in a similar position: our "defect" is obvious--though we have the comfort of knowing that it's not really a defect, but rather a "difference". Unless we try to suppress the truth within us (which I myself did for far too long), then we have a starting point. We know where to begin on the path to self-discovery.

Also, with the marvel of the net these days, we have contact with each other, and we can help each other out along our path to self-discovery. There are many different strategies. Some of them proposed on this forum aren't for me, but others are very useful ideas.

I think you need to remember that we're hardly the only people with issues. There are forums and counselors and support groups everywhere. Whatever your particular issue, you can find it addressed somewhere.

There are people with serious issues who never address them, and the result of that is a lot of pain for themselves and a lot of pain for those around them. There are people who are aware they have serious issues, but they're mistaken about what they actually are. And there are others who never become aware that there are things within them that they need to address. They're aware they're unhappy, but it doesn't occur to them to really look for the source of their unhappiness so that perhaps they can deal with it.

I wonder how many people go through this life without being prey to any serious unhappiness. Everybody has flaws--for how many of them are the flaws so minor as not to create serious unhappiness for them? We TG's aren't alone. But we do have the advantage of knowing where to start when we want to discover why we're unhappy. And among us we have enough collective experience to help us glimpse a possible solution to our dilemma.

You're really hurting now. Ride it out, and start looking for the solution you need that will make your own life better.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[whowhatwhen]

I am tired of living. Well I tried to think of what I am tired of living as but really tired of living pretty well fits.

Hang in there!
I've had those thoughts too but it's important to get help if it goes beyond that if you know what I mean.

We cannot end ourselves in the face of these issues, for every one we lose is a victory for those people who would take our rights and paint us as monsters.

[Kate Simmons]

We are the ones who actually create the issues. The only way to resolve them is to get in touch with ourselves and be honest about it.:)

[Marleena]

Delila a good gender therapist can help so much with your issues. It is a smart choice. This old gal fought the fight for a long time. The best thing I ever did was allow myself to be me. Being a GM creates obstacles but we can overcome them, or learn to deal with them. Joining a TG group can be a big help too as others have stated. Hang in there and know there are lots of us dealing with this from time to time.:)

[jillleanne]

Souunds like yuo have reached a pinnacle in your life. If you are tired of what life is offering you, change what you are doing. Look at it this way, if life is bad the way it is now, how bad could it be if you came out to begin with, and move forward from there? I really doubt it would get worse and along with the coming out will come confidence and positive daily acceptance of who you are. Can't hurt to try it.

[Ally 2112]

Keep you chin up .I do think a therapist is a good idea i have been to one myself .The best advice i can give is if the first one does not work out don't be afraid to try another one .Just keep putting your feet on the ground and keep moving forward im pulling for you and so is everone else !

[Slo Jo]

So many good words of wisdom here for you and for anyone in a bad Funk.
I am super grateful for the Forum considering my relationship with my SO and knowing that He has dealt with being in a dark place, there was always this awesome resource.
I have some difficulty with counsellors myself, however I have had some others save my bacon and supported letting the essence of True Self become.
I wish you the Best of fortune in finding the right direction for your individual needs.
Never fear an anonymous phonecall asking if the Practice is CD/TG/TV(?) Friendly?
Really, The person on the other end will show you.
BEST Regards for speaking out. Sending positive your way.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Hang in there Delila. It has to be hard, if it were easy everyone would be doing it, LOL! Whenever I find myself getting "beat down" by life and things that are out of my control I try to remember that there is always someone that has it tougher than me. There is always a reason for putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, keep putting your best foot forward and time will heal all wounds.

[busker]

Delila,
If you don't trust counseling, one thing you do have at you disposal is a pencil and paper. You can write out your thoughts as they occur in a Joycian stream of consciousness. Just the fact that things are bottled up is a large part of the frustration but you can get it out. You can also use a recorder. find a place--if you need privacy--and just start talking. talking to a recorder is about the same as talking to a person, except you won't get feed back (and you have privacy of thoughts ), but then very often things become clearer as you verbalize them. It is like learning by the process of explaining something. Use the "closet" to liberate yourself.
Also, as has been mentioned, sadness could be caused by physical illness, hormone changes (yeah, guys have them too) and if you have a doctor available, you could try that avenue first. The biggest obstacle to getting things resolved is inaction, so no matter how difficult it may seem, make an effort towards resolution, even in small steps.
best wishes