Oh No, it's a trap!

[Aloha Jayne]

Ok, I really want to come out to my wife, and probably will this week or next. It’s time I shared with her who I really am. But I think it’s a trap. After 23 years of marriage I know how she will react to this, I can almost answer her questions before she asks them. She is not going to like it and, she shouldn’t have to like it. She will belittle this and tell me it’s all in my head, and I’m just being crazy and stupid. And yes, I know how to handle all of those objections. But in a way she is right. Jayne is very real, has been with me most of my life and is not going away. But, for now anyway, she only exists in my head. So this is a true statement: She is real….but she doesn’t exist. Now, I can put on clothes and dance around and go to parties and be who I feel like. But it’s still just the drab me doing crazy things. I can try to act like her and look like her. But it is only a personification of her. And as hard as I wish, hope and pray, will never be the real her.

But what if this is just a trap. What if she is intentionally trying to break up my marriage. Jayne would love nothing more than to have me all to herself. To be just her whenever she wants, with no boundaries and no limits. What if she is just telling me that coming out to my wife is what’s best and something I have to do. Our marriage has been a good one. I love my wife and she is my reason for living. And as tempting as it is sometimes to entertain thoughts of being on my own, my life would be pathetic without her. And isn’t it always the mistress that says, “you have to tell her, you can’t keep secrets, she needs to know and you’re living a lie.” And then what? My marriage becomes strained. She loses her trust in me. She worries about what I’m up to any time we’re not together. I actually lose what little freedom I once had. And at best, I begin to wish that I could just go back to a time before I came out and put the genie back in the bottle. And isn’t it always the mistress that becomes the biggest loser in these situations and ends up crushed and all alone?

Sorry, this is beginning to sound like an episode of Sex in the City.

[Marie-Elise]

I think you have to understand your priorities first. Do you want to live full time as Jayne?

Also, everything you say above is pretty back and white (are you an engineer?). Consider compromise. Life is full of shades of gray.

[Karren H]

7 year after the reveal day.... I still working to regain the trust lost that day. I know I will never get it all back.... It's a trap and everyone you tell will be snared in it...

[sissystephanie]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem. I have been a CD for over 60 years, and was married for almost 50 of those years. But I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me "as is!"

Who runs your life, you as a man or the figment of your imagination you call Jayne? Sounds like you have let Jayne take over your life almost completely. If you really love your wife you won't let that condition continue!!

[Kittykitty]

OR, it could be the thing that saves your marriage and your soul.

[KarenCDFL]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem. I have been a CD for over 60 years, and was married for almost 50 of those years. But I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me "as is!"

Who runs your life, you as a man or the figment of your imagination you call Jayne? Sounds like you have let Jayne take over your life almost completely. If you really love your wife you won't let that condition continue!!

Steph, I think you need to back off.

I, like you told my wife well before we even discussed anything about getting married.

But even then it was extremely difficult. I can understand why Jayne has kept putting this off.

Its really easy to put the female side of your personality back deep in the closet in the beginning but as the years go past you come to realize that it is a time bomb getting ready to go off.

I could not live my life if I had to keep Karen a secret from my wife. Not all of us had the forethought or opportunity to be that open 20. 30, or even 60 years ago especially since it was a taboo subjet.

Things are so different now with the people in their teens and 20's that it is much easier to express your feeling to your partner and not feel like your life was going to come to an end if you did.

You really have to show some compassion for the people who have not had the opportunity to express themselves for years on end and think about the "What If" that was you.

[STACY B]

TELL HER !! She aint going no where . An I will bet ya she already knows !!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Jayne what do you want to tell her? Who are you?
Make sure you are certain of how you want to describe these things.

Telling her you crossdress is different than telling her you "are" someone else...see what i'm saying? it may sound irrelevant to some, but its not to the person hearing this...

There is no magic to it...you have a long time secret, its something that matters...this happens in relationships... look at it like any other thing if you can..
if you don't tell her, there are real risks ..if you do tell her there are risks...the die is long cast..

You can't predict the future, but you can assume no one is happy to find out secrets, especially if they are controversial ...and you can assume that once you discuss this, the next secret is likely the last...

the feeling that you WANT to tell her is pretty compelling and it won't go away
....if you don't tell her, your ACTIONS will put you more and more at risk, and you are likely going to start taking more risks, knowing you may get caught...this happens all the time..

[docrobbysherry]

Jayne, u seem to have tried to imagine ALL the possible eventualities in your situation. Unfortunately, it's OFTEN the ones u HAVEN'T IMAGINED that come back and bite u in the behind!

Since u know your wife and yourself better than anyone else here, I don't think our advice will be of much help.

Maybe others who have gone thru the experience of telling and living with the results of that decision, like Karren, mite be the MOST help to u!?

Sherry is clearly an illusionary character in my life. However, that DOESN'T MEAN she hasn't become a huge part of my life! Any SO would have to know and accept that. As difficult, maybe impossible, as that may seem!

[Debra Russell]

You don't really know what reaction she will have - try a little at a time to ease into letting Jayne into her life - it's hard but maybe a little will be more acceptable, like show her you like fem clothes or.........whatever...........................Debr a

[larry]

Sounds more like an episode of "NO-Sex in the City" to me. Tread carefully and give lots of thought to what you really want and expect.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Jayne,

My circumstances were very different, as I did not start cross dressing seriously until I had already been married 30 years, but I would urge you to think carefully about this, and to not assume that there are any hard and fast rules. My wife and I have a great marriage, but we recognized from the beginning that we are two individuals with our own thoughts, desires, dreams and disappointments. Our marriage is the bedrock upon which we both stand, but we also respect each other as individuals with our own lives.

How many of us know everything about our spouse, or even feel we have the right to? I don't lie to her, but I don't feel that I have to share every aspect of my life that does not involve her. She does know of my cross dressing, and occasionally she will ask a question. But she has enough respect for me not to interfere with a part of my life that we both acknowledge is neither immoral nor illegal, and in which she has no interest.

I suppose that this sounds like a rationalization for secrecy, but it really isn't. It's an argument for respect. I have mentioned before on this forum that our marriage ceremony included a poem from Kahlil Gibran on marriage, which said in part:

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

There are times still when I lie in the dark, spooned up against her in the bed, wondering just who this woman is. I can't imagine it any other way.

Liz

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line is that the CDing tends to take on a mind of it's own if we allow it to. This is where the so-called "pink fog" comes in. To truly be one's self one needs to take responsibility for their own decisions and actions and accept the eventual outcomes whether positive or negative. We are here to learn after all.:)

[Laura912]

There is some good and not so good advice here. I told my wife of 45.5 years of marriage after 35 years of being married more consistent with the thoughts of KarenCDFL. It is a quiet issue and one she accepts and sometimes teases me about in a loving way. No one can tell you how your wife will react. Take a look at your last paragraph. Have you wondered why you are setting things up to fail and already placing the blame on Jayne? And even if you are an engineer we have your back. Some of my best friends are engineers. ;)

[Kathy Smith]

Jayne, if you have a happy, stable marriage then the chances are that you'll have no trouble with her acceptance when you tell her. OTOH, if you are always at each others throats (metaphorically speaking of course!) then telling her is almost like handing her a loaded gun after painting a target on your chest.

If you do tell her then remember that she will need all your support, as her MALE partner, for a while. It may be difficult for you to tell her, but it's also a very big thing to ask her to accept your crossdressing. There are a lot of sites on the web with useful info to give her and you can always point her to this forum. Be ready with all the info you can reasonably get before you tell her.

Steph, we don't always have the luxury of realizing that we are crossdressers for life at the time we start a relationship. It doesn't work that way in a lot of cases. The best we can manage is to tell our girlfriend/spouse as soon as we realize that this thing is a part of us that isn't going to go away.

[Marie-Elise]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem. I have been a CD for over 60 years, and was married for almost 50 of those years. But I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her and she accepted me "as is!"

Who runs your life, you as a man or the figment of your imagination you call Jayne? Sounds like you have let Jayne take over your life almost completely. If you really love your wife you won't let that condition continue!!

I need a "Like" button for this post.

[kimdl93]

All I can add to the varied comments above, is that there are risks if you tell her and there are also risks - pretty much the same ones - if you don't; becasue despite keeping this a secret for 20+ years (or so you believe) there's a strong probability that one day she will find out. Regardless of whether she stumbles upon the evidence or catches you, her reaction is likely to be worse than if you attempt to have an honest conversation. Best of luck.

[Joanne f]

Yes it`s a trap , built by you and set by you and now you have to fall in it and hope that your wife will pull you out but she may get hurt in the process of setting you free.

[Being Paige]

I have to agree with Karen on this! I say what she said.

[Jenniferathome]

There is no analogy in your daily life, over decades of marriage, like this. So, can you really say you "know" how she will react? When I told my wife, I hoped she would be ok and I thought she would deal with it rationally, but she blew me away with how she addressed it and accepted my crossdressing. I think all of us who came out to our loved ones, did so when not telling was more onerous than telling. Are you there?

[suchacutie]

The one thing I would like to add: be prepared for the worst...and be prepared for the best. When the discussion starts, listen a lot before responding. Having thought ahead of time you will easily start assuming from a few words she might say. Be slow and considerate and calm, no matter what she does.

The big issue here is that you have not told her before. Make sure she knows that you know that up front.

At that point you will have to trust the strength of your relationship.

my best to you,
tina

[BRANDYJ]

You have been married, and been a crossdresser, for 23 years and you haven't told your wife yet?? This is not a trap, this is a man with a very unstable mind!! Sorry if that offends you, but it is how I feel about your problem.

KarenCDFL said you should back off with offensive statements like this. I will go one better and ask you to apologize. How would you feel if I, or anyone else said that the way you dress and go out in public is a man with an unstable mind? It's just rude and helps no one.

Jayne, You have read some good advice and opinions. All I want to add is be sure your marriage is otherwise stable and that you know your wife truly loves you as much as you love her. Yes, she may be hurt at first. But if you are gentle and understandng to her being kept in the dark all these years, the love and respect will bring you both through. It's always a tough call about how she will react. As much as I think I know my SO, sometimes she leaves me dumbfounded on how she responds to some things. If you trust her and her love and loyalty, then it's long over due to tell her...in my opinion. Like many others, your biggest fear is losing her. I understand that. You need to do this in as open and honest way that you can. And whatever you do, doon't make the conversation all about you. Show concern for her feeling above all. I wish you well.

[SuzanneBender]

Dear its not a trap Jayne set. Its a trap that you built. Many of us have been there. We build the trap for what we believe are all of the "right" reasons. You want to protect her, you love her, its easy for her not to know. Explain that to her. There is great advice in some of these posts especially Kaitlyn's. Ease her into this. Karen is also right. Expect to loose all trust in your relationship and never recover all of it back.

I know it sounds gloomy, but its a lot less gloomy than not telling her.

[audreyinalbany]

The only thing I'll add is: don't separate yourself from 'Jayne'. "What if SHE is intentionally trying to break up our marriage." Try to OWN your crossdressing, don't pawn it off on 'her,' as though Jayne were a different person. The only way through this is to integrate the masculine and the feminine aspects of your own personality. Your wife will either deal with it or not, in which case you will need to adjust to whatever set of circumstances you're dealt. Regardless, it seem better than having to try to slug your way through all by yourself. I always figure that my wife is the one person in the world who I want to accept me the way I am. She may not be happy about it. She may not want to participate in your dressing, but at least she needs to acknowledge that it is part of who you are.

[BRANDYJ]

Jayne, listen to what others are saying. In simple terms, do not believe Jayne is a different person from your male self. Get over that notion and man up and realize you are one and the same. Whatever you do, don't speak to your wife as if you are anyone other then her husband that when dressed calls himself Jayne. In my opinion, that would be a kiss of death in trying to get her to accept and hopefully support your need to be fem sometimes.

[Aloha Jayne]

Thanks so much and hugs for all the great feedback, that’s what I’m here for. And I certainly don’t take offense to any of it, especially if it’s direct and honest. No need to back off. And sometimes I do wonder if I have a stable mind. My post was meant to be humorous in part, even though my dilemma is real. As with lots of CDs, I incorrectly assumed when I got married that I would no longer need this. I had no way of knowing that 23 years later this would still be that important. Remember, 1989 was still before forums like this, or the internet, or Dr. Phil, and a show like Glee would have been impossible to air. I have kept it low key for most of the marriage, don’t have closets full of clothes and have never gone out in public as her.

My wife does know that I’m into some crazy stuff, but no details. She admits she knew I was weird when we got married, but didn’t know how weird. And that’s what frightens me the most. If it were something she was doing or into, I would want to know everything about it and research it on the internet and have long discussions. The fact that she sorta knows and doesn’t ask any questions tells me that she doesn’t want to know. And I’m very afraid of tipping the boat over if things would have been better left alone. But lately I have learned so much more about Jayne and what she really means to me. Things my wife couldn’t know, because I have only learned them in the last few months myself.

So if you think about it, Jayne has been locked in a closet for 50 years. I’ve lied to her, lied about her. I tried to pretend she doesn’t exist and put all her things in a storage locker where she can’t get to them. I only learned her name last year after having a 50 year relationship with her, and I’m married to another woman! If it were me, I would be a little testy too, if not a complete scheming, conniving, psycho b***h! And she’s given me an ultimatum. Bring her out of the closet, or leave her in there the rest of my life. Both scenarios have potentially treacherous pitfalls. Only problem is, once her fat behind is out, I will never be able to shove it back in. So you think I might be a little unstable? And since I am Jayne, and Jayne is me, then yes, I have baited and set my own trap.

Thanks again and btw, I’m not an engineer. Wish I was, my career path may have been much better.:heehee:

[Kerigirl2009]

You are doing right by thinking about the consequences for your wife and for you before you drop this bombshell on her and your marriage.
You pretty much described what my life is like since I told my wife on that fateful evening. I have tried to stuff that jenie back into pandoras box and throw the key away but my wife cant seem to locate the damn genie bottle.

If I was you I would continue to figure out if it is a move you want to burden her with and why you want to tell her after 23years of marriage. For me it was 15 years of marriage and I was tired of hiding this side of my life which my wife thinks of as lying. My wife still wants to know why I told her. Oh and almost three years later she has no intention of ever seeing Keri.
Good luck and I hope it works out for both of you.

[Robyn2749]

Jayne,
I'm a GG and the long time wife of a wonderful guy - who also happens to be a CDer. S/he just told me about it a year ago. I actually had been clueless. That's probably because s/he didn't really realize it herself. My initial reaction was shock, dismay, anger and fear that I'd lost my husband. It took several months and several hurt feelings (both his and mine) for me to realize I still had my man. I just now know another dimension of him.

You say your wife doesn't seem to be interested in finding out because she doesn't ask questions. Maybe she's afraid to. I was initially afraid that my husband was admitting to be gay. One of my female friends had just gone through a nasty divorce because her husband had finally given into the fact that he preferred males. I knew how much it hurt her and thought that was the path I was going too. I didn't want to talk about it or learn about it or anything until I realized that I probably was going to lose my husband if I kept up the way I was.

Someone else said it earlier... when you talk to her you really have to be supportive as her man. You can't make it all about you and finally letting the "Jayne" part of you come out.

All that said, good luck. And, BTW, it's fun to have someone to go shopping with!
Robyn

[busker]

Thanks so much and hugs for all the great feedback, that’s what I’m here for. And I certainly don’t take offense to any of it, especially if it’s direct and honest. No need to back off. And sometimes I do wonder if I have a stable mind. My post was meant to be humorous in part, even though my dilemma is real. As with lots of CDs, I incorrectly assumed when I got married that I would no longer need this. I had no way of knowing that 23 years later this would still be that important. Remember, 1989 was still before forums like this, or the internet, or Dr. Phil, and a show like Glee would have been impossible to air. I have kept it low key for most of the marriage, don’t have closets full of clothes and have never gone out in public as her.

My wife does know that I’m into some crazy stuff, but no details. She admits she knew I was weird when we got married, but didn’t know how weird. And that’s what frightens me the most. If it were something she was doing or into, I would want to know everything about it and research it on the internet and have long discussions. The fact that she sorta knows and doesn’t ask any questions tells me that she doesn’t want to know. And I’m very afraid of tipping the boat over if things would have been better left alone. But lately I have learned so much more about Jayne and what she really means to me. Things my wife couldn’t know, because I have only learned them in the last few months myself.

So if you think about it, Jayne has been locked in a closet for 50 years. I’ve lied to her, lied about her. I tried to pretend she doesn’t exist and put all her things in a storage locker where she can’t get to them. I only learned her name last year after having a 50 year relationship with her, and I’m married to another woman! If it were me, I would be a little testy too, if not a complete scheming, conniving, psycho b***h! And she’s given me an ultimatum. Bring her out of the closet, or leave her in there the rest of my life. Both scenarios have potentially treacherous pitfalls. Only problem is, once her fat behind is out, I will never be able to shove it back in. So you think I might be a little unstable? And since I am Jayne, and Jayne is me, then yes, I have baited and set my own trap.

Thanks again and btw, I’m not an engineer. Wish I was, my career path may have been much better.:heehee:

Jayne, this sounds to me as though you might want to figure out FIRST whether you are just a crossdresser or perhaps you have a notion of being TS. The way you phrase this sounds to me that there is more than a "passing fancy" with cross dressing. Does your wife in fact, have the possibility of losing you? are you aiming at some transition? If you see yourself as a woman distinct from you make side, your wife may well end up in a menage a trois and find herself competing with jayne, and that I think will leave you as a loser in the battle for your wife. 50 years of dealing with a hidden side of you seems to me to have more weight than "honey, guess what, I like to wear ladies clothes as a hobby."
She will want to know why this other side is so needy and what part of you she has actually married. did she marry Jayne or who? Cassandra could reveal the future, but her curse was that no one would heed her warnings. You may well think she will be alright with this but as has been mentioned in these posts, she may NOT WANT to hear this story of your other side. Have you thought of a gender therapist? Going to one would give you some leverage if and when you tell her. You can say you have tried to deal with this to no avail if it comes to that, but now you need to share your story and life in a different way with her.
Best wishes to you--this must be very difficult, in the same way being a bomb defuser is difficult.

[Laura912]

My closet lasted longer than your closet..nynah, nynah, nynah. :) Humor will help. Good luck and let us know if you will, please.

[sissystephanie]

Maybe I do need to backoff a little, but I was raised to tell the truth, and I still try to do that. There are many CD's on this forum who think that they can keep things hidden from their wives, especially their CD'ing!! That may work for some time, but sooner or later she will find out. The longer you keep it hidden, the worse it will be when she does find out.

Jayne has indicated that she already has a lot of ideas about how things should be. That certainly sounds as though the feminine side is makeing the decisions, and not the male side. When you are married, and love your wife, your decisions as a male should always come first!!

[Miriam-J]

Jayne,

It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought. I also hid this secret from a wife for over 20 years with the same assumption that she wouldn't accept it, I can certainly appreciate it. Perhaps a less than direct approach would actually work out better.

First, account for what you assume will be her biggest worries and the misconceptions that might amplify those worries. If you think she might be worried that your dressing is a sign that you're gay, start first with a discussion about a third person and how you had to learn yourself that one had nothing to do with the other. If she might be worried that you want to do this full-time, discuss someone else who was able to find their balance. You certainly have enough examples on this site that you can discuss, though you won't need to tell her the source.

On a later occasion, bring up the subject of long-held secret desires that each of you might have. Perhaps she has some interests that she'd like to share with you. Reassure her first that none of your interests or hers could possibly change your love for her, but might add a bit of spice - something likely to be welcome after 23 years.

Perhaps on that occasion or on a later one, you'll be at the right moment to share your secret. Tell her you've long held a private habit that you thought would go away. You now realize that it's an important and permanent part of you, and with that realization it's important to share it with the woman you love. You feel driven to occasionally dress as a woman, but you're still very much a man and the husband she has always known. Once the shock has gone by, you might even point out the advantages that come with your "package". Perhaps your "fem package" includes greater sensitivity, freedom of expression, or a love of shopping. Whatever it is, she might find something good in it.

Keep Jayne out of this! But I think you know that already.

Anyway, just another view from the audience. I hope that whatever you do works for both of you.

Miriam

[BRANDYJ]

[FONT=Tahoma] The fact that she sorta knows and doesn’t ask any questions tells me that she doesn’t want to know.

Have you even considered that the reason she never says anything about what she sort of knows is fear? Fear that she will upset you, or fear you might be bi or gay? (typical beliefs of those that know nothing about CD's) Maybe she has been waiting for you to bring it up. Just like you wish she'd bring it up. Seems we need to get a line of communication going between the two of you.

[Flent]

As some one still new to this site, my first impressions are still lingering. I admit I thought it sounded pretty weird at first to hear people talking about their feminine side as if it were a separate person. Now that I've read about it, I can see that it's not crazy, just a way to learn to handle a part of oneself. But I do think it's one of those things that's accepted in this community because people understand it and know what you mean, but if you start telling your wife about Jayne as almost a separate entity, she may think you are having mental issues. You'll want to give your wife the best possible impression, and I'm a little worried for you based on how you've phrased things. Remember she's new to this, be gentle and try to put it in terms she will understand. Maybe try not to refer to Jayne as "she", at least until your wife understands the basics first.

[FurPus63]

Jayne,
First of all you're a brave person for deciding to do this.I agree with the women here who are telling you to tell her. I think at this point it's inevitable. I just hope you have a better end result than I did. Although I have to admit, I'm not all that sad/depressed or upset that it's turned out the way it has; because I'm actually happier than I've ever been in my life. I'll more to you privately for the details, but I'm here to say that if I've learned anything from my experience, I've learned that I want to be a woman full-time and am transitioning. I also learned that it's not as bad as I imagined it would be and I'm having the time of my life!

Good luck you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Paulette

[Crysten]

My wife was ok with it for years. Then, BANG, outta here. Guaranteed it was because of the dressing, although she never actually said so. I think she had gotten tired/sick of it the last few years, and it affected our whole marriage. So, I guess the lesson is, people change over time. If she really won't accept it at all, then don't come out to her. Even if she seems to *sort of* be ok with it, she may be lying to herself. Eventually, she'll leave. That's the truth.

[JamieG]

Just my 2 cents: There is no way to to know what will happen, but telling will always lead to better outcomes than being discovered. This seems to be eating you up now, and, unless you're a very good actor, your wife probably suspects that something is bothering you. When you tell her make sure she knows that you are telling her because you love her and don't want to keep secrets from her. Tell her that you only kept the secret this long because you didn't truly understand or accept it yourself. Her trust in you is likely to be broken, but it can be rebuilt, if the two of you are willing to work together. When she struggles with this, empathize with her. I wish you luck!

[Aloha Jayne]

Thanks again so much to everyone that put in their 2 cents worth. I can tell many of you gave this a lot of thought, and your insights are extremely valuable to me, both for and against coming out. I still haven’t decided what to do, but if/when I do, I will be using many of the suggestions that you have given me here.

Just to clarify, I am not TG, I do not want to become a woman. I like being a guy and don’t want to lose that part of me. But the correct terminology is bi-gender, meaning I have discovered that parts of my personality identify with those of a woman as well as a man. I truly love my wife and would be very sad if we were no longer together. She is the most important thing here. I purposely presented Jayne as a 3rd person in order to emphasize the dilemma that is raging in my brain, and to try to bring a little humor to the situation. I am very much in control, and she is just another part of the real me. The realization of that in the last few months has made me understand this is not just a hobby, but part of who I have always been. And I would love to share that part with my wife. But that will have to be her decision to make. I’ll let everyone know what happens if and when…….

Jayne

[Jessica86]

I think one thing that needs to be brought up is this. If you tell her, you stand a chance at destroying, or severely improving this relationship. Even though you have hidden it for 23 years, if she finds out tomorrow on her own....you are definately looking at a destroyed relationship. Which chance do you want to take?

[suspender]

It depends on the relationship. I came out after a about 20 years and following years of shaped eyebrows, shaved legs and other personal changes. be prepared to explain heaps at first and allow the dust to settle. its the best thing i have ever done, but the femme only comes out in the company of the partner under conditions or she allows me to have the opportunity on my own as often as i like. trust and elaboration/explanation goes a long way. i do not post often here but have been here as long as some of the most senior members who inspired me in the early days to get on with it. i have seen some good and bad experiences from members that have come out. no one can predict what each situation will result in, and it depends on the personalities of those involved. trust and communication goes a long way along with preparation prior to revelation. i am so glad i went through it and feel that it has helped me in my crossdressing development, right down to my partner giving me advice in certain areas..

[Frédérique]

And at best, I begin to wish that I could just go back to a time before I came out and put the genie back in the bottle. And isn’t it always the mistress that becomes the biggest loser in these situations and ends up crushed and all alone?

Yes, and that is why I chose to keep my secrets just that – SECRETS! Take it from me, you can never go back from whence you came, and you will be forever admonishing yourself thusly: “Why oh why did I divulge my precious secret? I was so happy back then...” You are responsible for your own happiness, so think of yourself (or your “mistress,” in your case) ALWAYS. You’ll be glad you did, in fact it may be wise to stay in the bottle and age your "self" to perfection! Repeat after me: “YES, MISTRESS!!!”

BTW, I LOVE traps! :doh:

[Aloha Jayne]

So just an update. Sunday, March 11, 2012 is the day I came out. I felt like a teenage boy telling his parents he's gay. Everything went as I thought it would, and I could have written the script. I had rehearsed what I wanted to say so many times in my head that I could say it without thinking about it. She has been concerned that I haven't been taking care of myself. So I used that as a lead in. "What if I told you that the reason I don't care about myself is because I can't talk to you?" I'm not sure if that was fair or not, but it gave her the hope that maybe she would get what she wanted out of this too. I assured her that I would always love her no matter what, and I never wanted to not be together.

Her reaction was exactly as I knew it would be. I've read so many posts here and have heard them all. And I know her very well. --- Our marriage has been a lie. If I was stronger I wouldn't need this. I should have told her before we got married. This is just the latest crazy thing that has popped into my head, and dwelling on it is making it seem real. --- I calmly answered all of her concerns. I cried when I told her about how long I have wanted to tell someone, and how crazy this has made me feel my whole life.

She doesn't know how she feels just yet. This is all new to her. The only thing I had wrong was that she wasn't suspicious. She had no idea. I guess I'm a better sneak than I thought. So I told her to take all the time she needs. I will be here to answer any questions she has. But she hasn't left yet, so that is a good sign.

I had no choice but to hurt someone that means the world to me. I was faced with hurting her now, or keeping this secret until I die, which would be sooner rather than later if I couldn't be honest with her. But I am glad it is now out in the open, much better than being discovered and potentially hurting her even more in the future. But she will never accept this, much less come to a point where she can share it with me, and that makes me sad.

Thanks again for everyone’s input. It was a huge help.

[Miriam-J]

It's good that you shared your secret with her, Jayne, and that you're giving her some time to work through her feelings. As many have recommended on the other thread, I'm sure you'll continue to provide as much emotional support as you can. I'm sure your wife is now reviewing your history together for any signs that she missed - and perhaps coming up with a few that you'll have to address quietly and humbly.

Be ready to address the big fears: you're homosexual or bisexual, you want to become a woman, ... They'll come either as questions, statements, or even as accusations. No matter how they come, your response must be calm and loving.

I wish you all the best as you work through this, and hope that it makes your relationship stronger when it's all done.

Miriam