Had a little bit of a break down

[rebekkadg]

Yesterday I just had a bad day emotionally. Got home from work and sat down to read some news on the computer as is my routine and ran across a transgender story and starting reading the comments that were left on it. The flat out malice I saw from people and nastiness just got to me, I don't know why as I have know to expect the worst from people on the internet but it got to me. I spent much of the rest of the day with a thousand things going through my head and I just broke down crying.

My wife was out with some friends helping with a charity and I had to call her home just so I could have a shoulder to cry on. We had a long talk and finally decided that we would go see a therapist even though there isn't one anywhere near where we live. We aren't that well off for money and today I was forced to call up my mother and tell her that I was going to be going to see a therapist about something that I may or may not be able to ever talk to her about. She was surpisingly ok with this as she said she knew there are things she doesn't understand about me and has known for my whole life that I keep a lot of myself bottled away from everyone even at a very young age and she just wished me the best.

Honestly the whole news story yesterday wasn't what caused me to have a emotional breakdown it was just a trigger for a lot that has been building up. I have had depressive episodes in the past but it is only in the past year that I have really gotten to look at how much of myself I have supressed to the world and to myself and how much those defenses have defined me. Even right now I have so many things I am worried about in connection with it, and think I have right to be worried about, but I can't keep things going the way they are either.

I just needed to vent. If there is anyone reading who has gone thought this I would appreciate any words of encouragement that it gets better. I would love to hear it gets better. Right now I just don't see the way to make it all work and pull everything that is important to me together into something that will let me be happy--just too many things that seem to have to be sacrificied no matter what I do and it just feels bleak.

[Nicole Rose]

I'm right there with you, Rebekka. I hope everything works out. Don't worry about what other people think, just be yourself!

[Joanne f]

I don`t know how far down the TG line you are but i have found that if you cannot have all you want think about the little things you can have and do safely and it can be surprising how they can relieve some of that depression or stress.

[JenniferR771]

Ignore the idiot people and their unfeeling comments on the internet. You will feel better tomorrow. Sometimes bad feelings just happen to hit on the same day. You will be fine, and we are pulling for you.

[kimdl93]

First off, it does get better. I went through what was an extremely deep depression some years ago. With the help of family, friends and a competent therapist, I came out a happier, healthier and more realistic and effective individual. You will too.

A suggestion regarding on-line news stories and comments. Read the stories - skip the comments. Most of the time, intelligent, busy people don't waste their time commenting...which leaves the comment section open to extremists and idiots who take advantage of the opportunity to spew their vile thoughts. It doesn't matter if its news, sport or weather, you'll see that this is true on any unmoderated comment section.

As you observed, the story and comments probably only somewhat contributed to an already depressed mood. I think speaking with your wife and Mom were very good responses. Just that dialogue - as open as you dare make it - will help. Talking just makes us feel better.

However, depressive moods are often the product of mistaken beliefs and faulty ways of thinking. If you have feelings that are based on mistaken assumptions about life or yourself, it can leave you feeling very bad about life. there are lots of good sources but here are just a couple I found that may help:

http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/mistaken-beliefs.htm
http://www.lifeinmotioncoaches.com/articles_files/page0004.htm

And while you may not be able to afford a therapist (though I'd urge you to try and fit it into your budget) you can take constructive actions to lift your spirits. At a minimum, get out and do something with your wife or friends. Get some exercise. And this may sound crazy, but its clinically proven to work - every morning write down six things that you are grateful for. It can be the same six things or a partially new list every day, but write them down. You'll find that if you do this consistently for a period of a few weeks, your depressive symptoms will improve markedly.

[KellyJameson]

If you watch people carefully on some you can see the hatred etched onto their faces and certainly hear it in their words. They are trapped within their own minds with no promise of escape, it is like having a tooth or ear ache that they can do nothing about. This is a sickness that they were born into and none of us are immune from it. Victims of abuse and or raised in families of hate and ignorance. This is something to rise above not only when it is inside of us but when we encounter it in others, the world is mad with hate but you do not need to be a part of it.

It is easy to fall into this trap by thinking of yourself as a perpetual victim and allowing fear to blind you to your own powers and gifts. You are fortunate because you are able to feel ( cry), many are unable to. Being transgendered is difficult but within every curse there is a blessing and within every blessing there is a curse.

Whenever the universe gives you something it takes something and whenever it takes something it gives you something.

Life is a game, play it for the shear enjoyment of the game, keep the child within you alive. The people who lose in life are the ones that need to win.

[Sandra1746]

It is generally true that time heals a lot of wounds. Also the advice you will get from this site will be helpful and friendly.

I endorse Kim's suggestion of writing down a list of things you find enjoyable or pleasant, it can be as simple as finding a new flower in the lawn or a beautiful sunrise. It takes some effort but looking for the "nice" things in life becomes a habit after awhile.

A 'figure of speech' I use with my wife is; "don't go to the beach and look for dead fish, look for the pretty shells and other nice things".

Good luck and hang in there.
Love,
Sandra1746

[Foxglove]

Hi, Rebekka! Just a few days ago I was a bit down for exactly the same reason--looking over comments to an article. We really shouldn't let that crowd get to us. If we met with one of them face to face, would they have the courage to say what they're so eager to say in the anonymity of a forum? Not likely.

We keep going, and we try to address our real issues, not what some cowardly pea-wits on a forum think.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[queenie]

Please watch and I hope it helps. My heart goes out to you.

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8EC60EF703CBD74C&feature=plcp

[Sonya]

ok here i am in a similar situation as yours, i also let a lot of things get to me and i am just trying my best to pull my self out of this depressed state, but its hard when you don't even feel like helping yourself. So maybe i am not best person to give advice but definitely seeing someone will help and i think its important to not escalate the issues by thinking about the negatives constantly. Its hard dealing with years of suppressed feelings and emotions, I know things will definitely get better if you are prepared to put in the afford. Good luck and wishing you the best..

[Heather-Barbie]

I think you got some great advice here, and I doubt I can really add much more, but I now for me when I'm depressed, I surrond my self with the ones that care and love me. If I can't be with them, I give them a call. It helps to just talk to those that mean so much to you. Therapist can be great help, but they simply are there to guide and assist you with whatever your issues are.

Good luck and we are all here for you......

[drag n fly]

Well Rebekka, for starters, it looks like your wife and mom are in your corner...and you're going to set something up with a counselor....I'd say you're going in the right direction...Hang in there...smooches Jackie

[Pinky188]

Its funny. I go through the same thing now and again. And, I also have felt bleek and hopeles, wondering if there is a happy ending. But to hear it from someone else seems to make me more positive because all I want to do is give you positive and happy things to think about. I say its funny because when its just me thinking about all the shite, I have no positive thoughts for myself! Here we can help each other! Thats cool! As for how you deal with it now, I know, And you should too, that you WILL get past it!!! You WILL be happy!! You should see someone though. Its spendy, but worth it! It helped me alot! Feel better girl! Just remember that it will get better, and dont dwell on negitive hate mongers! <3

[Pinky188]

My heart didn't work :(

[Crysten]

Guess what. You could post the nicest story in the world about Mother Theresa feeding the poor....and get ten pages of nasty comments on the internet. 99% of which people would never, ever voice in public. Internet = no recriminations for nasty stupidity. Doesn't matter if it's a TG story or not. So, *ignore mode engaged*. No point in feeling bad about people venting their anger/frustration/etc on the internet.

[Kristyn Hill]

wow. always remember that everyone has something they are hiding. Others would probably die if you knew what they were hiding. Be proud of who you are. we were born the way we all are. good luck. I hate you are hurting.