Please, I need advice....

[Melissa428cd]

Sorry this is so long for my first post.

I have been a lurker on this forum for quite some time, but enjoy reading about other people like me. I have learned a lot and am starting to accept myself. Guess I’m not as weird or as bad a person as I thought I was because I like to wear women’s clothes occasionally.

So to start my story, my wife knows and grudgingly accepts my cross dressing, but she wants nothing to do with, in her words,” my perversion”. Needless to say our marriage is a sham. And we haven’t had sex in a very long time. I could honestly say we are only roommates living in the same bed. We are also in the process of divorcing.

Well, I recently I ran into an old girlfriend from High School. I’m 51 so it’s been awhile. She was actually my first girlfriend and first (teenage) true love. We hit it off immediately and have been inseparable ever since. The problem is my wife sent her a text telling her about my “perversion”.

What she told her was that “I’m a cross dresser, and I like to dress up and be ****ed in the ass by men” which is BS. I do like to do is dress, but that is it. The seed however was planted. My new/old girlfriend said she believes me, not my soon to be ex-wife but I’m starting to believe it may be too late.

It seems to come up often when we talk about intimacy. The standard; do you want to be a woman, do you like men, how can I possibly satisfy you, etc, etc ,etc….

Obviously I would have liked to broach the subject at my own pace but now the cat is out of the bag. I love this woman, I want to marry this woman, I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, but it may be too late.

So my question is; how can I undo what has already been done?

Thank you all for your help..

[Barbara Ella]

The bell has been rung. If she is asking questions, get her answers and get her on this forum. She needs information and time with you to see that you are not a pervert. Intellectually this can be accepted easily, but emotionally it lingers, and lingers. She has doubts, and you must answer them each and every time they come up. And then answer them again with more reassurance about who you are and what you are doing. Intimacy will always bring your crossdressing up, as she has a lifetime of preconceived notions that wont be overcome in a relatively short time. Just be yourself, and enhance her education.

Babes

[Melissa428cd]

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

[RADER]

You might consider telling your GF that your soon to be X is very spitefully, and is doing everything to
get revenge because the marriage is about to split up. Mention to your GF that the X wants to hurt you
in every way she can, including extenuation stories to hurt any future you might have with another.
Your X wants to see that you stay miserable as you can be. Saying untrue and half trues is the only
way to fight the fact that you might be happier with another; despite your dressing.
Good luck
Rader

[Pinky188]

You cant "undo" what she said! BUT!! Your new GF prolly never beleived the ex anyway! She does however have LOTS of questions!!! ANSWER THEM!!!! Actions speek way louder than words, so just show her you love her! In everything you do!!! Thats easy right? Thats all you have to do! If she accepts your cding and you show her that you love her in every way, you will win her over! If she doesnt respond then it wasnt ment to be!

[Melissa428cd]

Thank you, you have all given me the incentive to pursue what I desire, meaning my girlfriend. She is still with me after the bombshell my wife threw, so now I have to prove to her my cross dressing is not something she has to worry about. Now the hard part begins....

[KellyJameson]

To be human means to be fallible, we carry our history with us. Can she claim perfection?

The label of sexual perversion has been used throughout history to either control and or protect and when it is used to control it is packaged as protecting but it is than about fear, ignorance and or personal gain (manipulation).

Committed monogamous sex between two people must be one of the most difficult undertakings imaginable because it runs contrary to the natural instincts.

In my opinion it is unwise to make promises about what will happen in the future but if you love her the only way you should ever hurt her is by giving her the truth and the truth is that romantic love is always a risk but so is every moment of life and who knows how you will feel in the future but you can promise to always give her the truth in recognition of her value to you and as a human being. The greatest gift you can give her in the here and now is not to "sell" her on the idea of loving you, just be you and let the chips fall where they may. No relationship is worth losing the one you have with yourself and not being real is a living death.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Melissa, the fact that she is still talking to you about it is really a good sign, if her mind were made up she would have moved on already. I agree with everything Babes said earlier, just work and work and work with her on this and see where it takes you. There's no guarantee the relationshop will go where you want obviously, but getting her to understand that you're not a pervert, are comfortable in your own skin, and care about her needs as well is your best opportunity.

[JessHaust]

Logic should tell her that if what your ex says is true, you would be looking to date men, not women.

[docrobbysherry]

Melissa, what's the hurry to get married? If you're 51 and u went to school with this woman, she must be near your age and well past her child bearing prime. You're NOT even divorced yet. Judging by your wife's attitude, it could get worse before it gets better!

And, your in a hurry to marry again because u "love her"? Maybe you've forgotten what it was like when u first married your wife. Those first 2 or 3 years of honeymoon existence? And then, the honeymoon ends and u both need to WORK to make it together?
I'm NOT trying to throw ice water on your new romance. Just sayin', slow down! Take it easy! What's your hurry?

And, as a guy who hooked up with his college girlfriend again 30 years after we both married others, raised families, then divorced. I can tell u the physical electricity was still there! But, the long term incompatibility that caused us to drift apart those many years ago was, too! And that reminds me to ask, why DID u break up with her back then anyway? Hmmm?

[Jorja]

The horse is out of the gate, so to speak. There is no way you can make the words of you ex-wife just disappear. What you can do though is explain to your GF that it is true, you like to dress as a woman. Freely admit you are a crossdresser. Then show her each and every day that it is her you desire. Now that doesn't necessarily mean sex every day, unless that is what you both want. Romance her. Buy her flowers. Take her on a fun date in the middle of the week. Hug her both when she needs it and when she isn't expecting it. Spending quality time with her is worth more than anything you can say.

[Aprilrain]

This is a tough situation. Jorjas advise is great and goes for any woman! Honesty and open communication are the best policy.

I'm a little concerend about the proclamation of "love" after such a short time and to marry again so soon!?!?
This sounds a little too reboundish to me. I'm Not saying the relationship couldn't blossom into love but don't put the cart before the horse. Don't forget your ex is going to try to make your life a living hell, hopefully that doesnt scare your new GF off.

[April_Ligeia]

DO NOT let your ex-wife communicate directly with your current girlfriend, this WILL NOT end well. This is true in general, but for crossdressers, it is ESPECIALLY true. Trust me, BEEN THERE, and by the way, also been the guy scaring the shit out of ex-wife's current boyfriend -- not going well for them on that level. An ex brings NOTHING positive to the table, whether the intentions are good or bad. Period.

[taís]

Melissa, I'm sorry that things happened that way, but I can only feel that you have nothing to lose here. your new love knows something important about you now; you'll work to show her how you are and help her where she needs information. if she decides she doesn't want a relationship with a crossdresser, you both can move along, and it would probably happen at some point anyway; if she stays, then this incident will just bring the two of you more together.

not the smoothest road, but a road nonetheless.

good luck! ^ ^

[candicd]

It sucks that your GF found out this way, but it is good that she did. That (I figure) is the biggest secret you have and the fact that it is out in the open in the beginning will help.
As was said above, since she is asking questions, I believe she still wants to be a part of your life. If she didn't, she would have taken off running.

On a final note, April is right. You should not be hearing wedding bells now. You should be hearing "communication bells" and having lots and lots of discussions about your life and her life and your life together. What that will look like, how you want CD to fit in, etc, etc. Your life is not only as a crossdresser. But crossdressing is in your life.

-Candi

[kimdl93]

well, first of all, I would step back and resolve one relationship before plunging into another. If you look at the statistics, about 50% of first marriages fail. But 75 % of second marriages fail. Why - often because people repeat the same mistakes they made in the first one, or because they jump into a relationship to fill the void created when the first marriage ends.

whether your old gf believes any, part or all of your wife's texts is really irrelevant. The question is whether you well be emotionally prepared to undertake a successful relationship in the wake of a failed one. For the sake of all involved, I'd strongly recommend that you take your time.

[Laura912]

I must second Kim on this issue.

[Miss Lisa]

[QUOTE=kimdl93;2777347]well, first of all, I would step back and resolve one relationship before plunging into another. If you look at the statistics, about 50% of first marriages fail. But 75 % of second marriages fail. Why - often because people repeat the same mistakes they made in the first one, or because they jump into a relationship to fill the void created when the first marriage ends.

I must be one of the lucky ones. First marriage...14months.... 2nd marriage almost 8 years and going strong and my ex didn't have the Crossdressing issues my beautiful wife now has to put up with as I only started dressing 2 years ago. I know I have THE ONE :D but don't give up hope Melissa. Life does go on after divorce and if you take it slow and steady things with your GF will flourish. At least you don't have to hide it from her like so many in here. As was said before bring her to this site and let her do a bit of reading. There isn't much here that hasn't been dealt with I don't think. Best of luck.

Hugs
Lisa