Compromises that You make....

[~Joanne~]

I have a question, and it's only to the girls that make compromises with their SO's when they know that they dress.

This is just out of pure curiosity, it's not to start some holy war here in the forums because I realize that many of us have no problem with the boundaries that have been set forth by their SO's when it comes to their dressing.

We all know that a great, healthy, relationship is based on trust, communication, and compromise. Without these things they are toxic at best and doomed to fail.

Question: When you make these compromises, no matter how big or small, do you ask for a compromise in return? After all it is give and take in a compromise. If so, what do you ask for? How many of these compromises are non negotiable? and do you feel you are truly being "yourself" when the compromise is made or do you feel like your being treated like a child being given rules?

Like I said, this is out of curiosity. I have never placed one compromise on my GF for anything in our relationship and would hope that when my true self does eventually come to light, hence leaving the closet, that she wouldn't put a lot of compromises on me.

Have a great weekend
Joanne

[BRANDYJ]

I think this is a good question that will be all over the map when it comes to how each couple might work within the framework of boundaries. But I will admit, that most of my boundaries are self imposed and not demanded or conceived by my SO.
My own boundaries are simple:
Never embarrass her. (or myself)
Never cheat on her.
Never push for more concerning my need or desire to dress.

The only boundary she ever stated was back when we first were getting to know one another. She simply stated that if I wanted to live fem 24/7 that we would not make it as a couple; or if I ever wanted to transition, we would not be a couple. Since I never had the desire to live dressed fem 24/7, or transition, these were boundaries that were easy to accept.
She has never asked me not to go out dressed or not to get to know other CD's or anything that specific.

My point is, We don't have any rules or limits that don't fit the above mentioned. I am truly free to be me without spelled out do's and don'ts that I don't fully agree with and impose on myself.
You might say I am one of the fortunate ones in so much as I have total acceptance,support, participation and love from my SO.

[~Joanne~]

The only boundary she ever stated was back when we first were getting to know one another. She simply stated that if I wanted to live fem 24/7 that we would not make it as a couple; or if I ever wanted to transition, we would not be a couple. Since I never had the desire to live dressed fem 24/7, or transition, these were boundaries that were easy to accept.
She has never asked me not to go out dressed or not to get to know other CD's or anything that specific.



Self imposed boundaries do not count :)~~~ Those I can live with as I made the choice to live by them. I am with you though on this, I have no desire to transition or live 24/7 as a woman. The one boundary that Your SO put forth is very well within reason. Your surely are one of the lucky girls ;) thanks for your input hon, I always appreciate your view and opinions on things here on the forum :)

[Miriam-J]

I guess I haven't looked on the decisions my wife and I have made as compromises, but perhaps they are. We've always been in agreement on basic principles:
- Anything in private is all right
- Public presentations must be reserved for occasions that cause no danger to family or job
- We both value my role as a guy, and this should be prominent in our lives
She has never demanded any compromise beyond these principles, and I would have adopted these same principles even without her involvement. We're still exploring all the possibilities and consequences of these principles, but so far it's hard to say that either of us has had to compromise to one another. We just have to figure out what maintains the principles best.

Miriam

[Alice B]

BrandyJ's three boundries are the same as mine with my wife. Our marrage is rock solid and by following these rules I am given the freedom I require. This includes being able to go out dressed and to attend DLV. I am able to make purchases for my dressing openly. I just ordered and received new bras, a new wig, a fake wedding ring set and new boobs. My wife's only comments were..your boobies just arrived and a question as to why the rings. I explained that they were to keep the "admirers" away and she thought that was a great idea. The biggest rule, or comprimise is to not push it in her face.

[Wonderwho]

When I finally came out to my wife, 3 weeks ago after 26 years if marriage, she explained very carefully that I could do what I wanted as long as it was at home, I didn't push my CD in her face( be dressed as the man she married when she got home) and when she got used to the whole idea we could go back to the table for more concessions.
I accepted these expections and for this I have moved all my cloths from a box in the garage to the closet next to her cloths.
She still wants me not to wash my underware with hers, she says it is still akward to find strange underware in her drawers.
She thinks I have no taste in clothes, I think she is right, all I have to do is get her to go shopping with me.

[STACY B]

Dam ,,,, Everybody is in agreement so far ? As for me ,,, I to agree with all . ITS A SLIPPERY SLOPE ,, We must have hit the jackpot , Or we know when to say when ?

[Julia_in_Pa]

I never compromised on my transition one damn bit and that's why I'm where I'm at today.
That doesn't mean I don't miss my ex wife terribly.
Consequences to everything.


Julia

[Noortje]

I do not ask for compromises in return, because I don't think a relationship is like a trade agreement. We both have to give up things to make this relationship work, but we don't do any bookkeeping on who did what for whom.

And that's a good thing for me, because I would be WAY in the red!

[Jacqueline Winona]

Mine are mostly self imposed, as my wife gives every impression of not wanting to know more. But, when I compromise, or when I do more than what she has grown to expect from me (when I dress more, I do more, and the only explanation I can think of is that I'm just generally happier), I don't ask for or expect anything back.

[Marleena]

My wife is very accepting so not many compromises for me. She will let me know if I get carried away during pink fog episodes though. I'm quite lucky to have her.

[Renee W]

My SO is very accepting and supportive of my crossdressing, so there are no real compromises there. I do, however, feel that I have changed into a more compromising husband. She may or may not have realized or noticed this. After my CDing came out I almost feel like I am walking on egg shells at times, out of fear of rocking the boat. I more readily agree on things, volunteer to do things so she doesn't have to and just in general have stepped up. Maybe this has all just help make me a better husband overall, maybe the husband I should have been all these years.

[~Joanne~]

Thank you all for the response so far. A lot are really understandable and they began with communication and a give and take, when you trade off one thing for another that is a compromise.

What I was thinking was along the lines of something like this.....

You come out to your SO, she accepts it but wants to make a few rules, which from most responses have been really common sense sort of rules which we can all agree to in a second. You certainly want to protect family and such and not put your SO into a bad place.

But lets say she wants to keep it inside the house, basically in the closet that you were in before you even told her. This is the point where the compromise comes into play.....

Lets say My GF did that, I tell her how deep the rabbit hole goes and the first thing she says is " what you do in the house is your business but you can not go outside dressed". So this is where I try to compromise and say "Ok how about only late at night, or on halloween, or only with her" and she still says no. That's not working on a compromise, that's just her making rules.

It defeats the point of coming out and really keeps you from going where you would like this to go and the relationship is now toxic. Let's face it, we come out of the closet for a reason. maybe to make and meet like minded friends or to explore our feminine side a bit further or just to see if we are passable or whatnot. whatever the reason.

This doesn't included dating and other things like that .If thats the reason you came out you might have well ended it right away and done your own thing without giving her ammunition.

This is what I meant by "what do you ask for" I didn't mean much more than that or anything silly like If I can't do this, you can't do that. ;) I am hoping I explained this right cause I hate backlash lol this is about a positive compromise between the CD and their SO's and just curious as to how it all went on your end ;)

[Nikki A.]

I'm now a widower, but I told my wife early in our relationship so that I was sure that it wouldn't be a deal breaker.
Compromises we made were, no going out dressed (except on Halloween) and later on not infront of the kids. One thing that bothered her was my wearing a bra and going full out (wig & make up), so I did that infrequently. Other than that wearing a skirt or top around the house was acceptable.
Now also understand that she was bipolar and there were times when she could be more accepting than other times.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Joanne, under those circumstances I think you could ask her to compromise- find the local CD organization and tell her here is where I'd like to go, explaining how the members are just like you, confidentiality is the rule, you will only dress when you get there if that would make her feel better, etc. I don't know if she will go for it, but it would be a good first step out of the house for both of you.

[~Joanne~]

Joanne, under those circumstances I think you could ask her to compromise- find the local CD organization and tell her here is where I'd like to go, explaining how the members are just like you, confidentiality is the rule, you will only dress when you get there if that would make her feel better, etc. I don't know if she will go for it, but it would be a good first step out of the house for both of you.

We have actually been out on halloween together. full femme too. This was a hypothetical question/statement just for example. Some day I am going to have to put that adventure into writing ;) It's also the reason I believe she already knows and maybe I am holding backing on confirming because of all the fears I currently hold. Same fears an SO probably holds also when they find out which got me to thinking about compromises to begin with lol

Have a great weekend

[BRANDYJ]

You come out to your SO, she accepts it but wants to make a few rules, which from most responses have been really common sense sort of rules which we can all agree to in a second. You certainly want to protect family and such and not put your SO into a bad place.

But lets say she wants to keep it inside the house, basically in the closet that you were in before you even told her. This is the point where the compromise comes into play.....
It defeats the point of coming out and really keeps you from going where you would like this to go and the relationship is now toxic. Let's face it, we come out of the closet for a reason. maybe to make and meet like minded friends or to explore our feminine side a bit further or just to see if we are passable or whatnot. whatever the reason.

I would think that the reason you came out should be far more then just doing things the way you want and being able to dress at will etc. For many of us that tell our wives or girlfriends is to free us from having to hide and be a liar by omission for not sharing this side ofyourself with your SO. If you have recently just come out to your partner, give her time to wrap her head around the whole thing. To push or whine about her conditions, rules or boundaries now is way to soon. It takes time and as time goes on, she may lift some of those rules and expand her boundaries. One of the biggest mistakes I've ever seen is to push and press for more...more...more. It can take that initial acceptance and turn it into no acceptance, let alone support what so ever. If it were me, I'd thank her profusely and begin to show her more love and concern then ever before. What I'm saying is you want to much to soon... or so it seems from what I gleen from your reason for telling her.

EDIT: I did not read the last post from Joanne beforeposting this response. So you have not told her yet and are asking this for when and if you do right?

[RADER]

We have just a few boundaries, witch I totally agree on;
1. Do not embarrass her.
2. Never cheat on her or lie to her.
3. Do not go outside while wearing a dress, etc.
These where set by me, and she totally on board with them.
I have a huge frame, IE, Big shoulders, hands, feet, etc. So with nothing petite
about me, I could no longer look fem than the back end of a cement truck.
I have a good time dressing at home, and my wife gives me pointers on what to wear;
And she has opened up to the idea of me under dressing to a point.
So I am happy she is OK with me dressing, Unlike some on this forum, that their SO's
will not allow them to dress at all.
Rader

[Pinky188]

I make compromisses for my SO because I love her so very much! I always get the same in return, but I don't expect it.

[Karren H]

Yeah!! Her compromise is that she doesn't divorce me and take all our money!! Lol.

[RADER]

Karren:
I thought all you Engineer types have that all figured out.
You bury 1/2 of your income deep in a mine shaft somewhere. Now when
she divorces you, you have a little spare change to get a new outfit or two.
The only thing is you need jeans to dig up your money, Union rules. LOL
Rader

[Gillian Gigs]

Good thoughts! Compromise is based on the idea that both parties give up, and/or getting something while the other party is doing the same. At first in my case, I was giving up more to get the acceptance that I was looking for. The ability to dress to the "compromised" state at home in front of the SO was important. Interestingly enough, she was the one to remove the compromises as time passed. Her words, If I love you enough, I will give you the freedom to wear what you want. I have never had the desire to go out in public, so I would not know how far that one could go. Love and marriage is all about compromise, in the best case scenerio both parties get a win/win, but we all know that is not always going to happen.

[Sally24]

My wife has always known whatever I knew about myself so being hidden from her was not an issue.

After practicing for months I asked her to let me know when she thought I was ready to try it in public. She said "I think you're ready now". So you can see she is pretty supportive.

As the years have gone by she has gone out with me less. As I usually get out quite a bit this is not an issue for me. She has let me know recently that she doesn't like it when I do back to back nights. So now I try to avoid doing a Friday and a Saturday night in the same week. And as a.side note....I asked her what I could do to make her happier.

She also prefers me to try to contain my stuff to Sally's room. A compromise to this is we plan to make one of the extra rooms into a guest room with more clothes storage for both of us.

She has yet to express a desire that seems unfair or controlling. Her deal breakers are body deletions or additions which is understandable. Hair removal is an exception to that rule.

[~Joanne~]

EDIT: I did not read the last post from Joanne before posting this response. So you have not told her yet and are asking this for when and if you do right?

No I haven't told her. Yet I often wonder how much she already knows. I know she knows I wear hose and a few other garments. This whole post is just out of curiosity and maybe a little prep work but not really all that much. I just wonder what compromises are made when coming out of that nasty closet and what people give up just to be themselves.

In most cases so far it has been positive ones that are ruled by common sense but more importantly common ground within the relationship. There really is no right or wrong answer to the question :) different things work for different folks and all is well.

The one thing that bothers me though is when you let someone who is suppose to be your best friend in on what is probably your biggest secret and they want to take advantage of it and make rules and treat you like they are the superior being instead of communicating and compromising on what some of the ground rules may be. I understand her fears as I am sure the CD'er also still has a lot of fears.



I make compromisses for my SO because I love her so very much! I always get the same in return, but I don't expect it.

That's very nice to hear :) I am glad that she respect you enough to give back wherein others may not.



Yeah!! Her compromise is that she doesn't divorce me and take all our money!! Lol.


That is a pretty damn good compromise there ;) lol


Good thoughts! Compromise is based on the idea that both parties give up, and/or getting something while the other party is doing the same. At first in my case, I was giving up more to get the acceptance that I was looking for. The ability to dress to the "compromised" state at home in front of the SO was important. Interestingly enough, she was the one to remove the compromises as time passed. Her words, If I love you enough, I will give you the freedom to wear what you want. I have never had the desire to go out in public, so I would not know how far that one could go. Love and marriage is all about compromise, in the best case scenario both parties get a win/win, but we all know that is not always going to happen.


Excellent post Gillian :) I am happy thing are going well for you and you have a firm grasp on the meaning of relationship. some don't and I think that is why they have so many problems unfortunately.


My wife has always known whatever I knew about myself so being hidden from her was not an issue.

After practicing for months I asked her to let me know when she thought I was ready to try it in public. She said "I think you're ready now". So you can see she is pretty supportive.

This is great sally, you have such a lovely SO :) I loved the "adding or deleting" part lol

[Jonianne]

Hi Joanne, I know we have had our disagreement in another thread, but I also want to share something that is important for the cd'er as well. In my first marriage, my wife was totally against my cd'ing, especially after she started couseling with an ex-TS minister. He had told her to toss my cloths out and threaten to out me to everybody. I, through my own therapy, had learned to accept myself and I was trying to work out boundries with her. We couldn't discuss them, but I made my own which were to not let her see me dressed and to not involve her in any part of it. The boundries I set was that she could not throw out my cloths and to remidy the threats of outing, I told everybody that was important to me, when I realized she was serious. I told my kids, my family, my boss, my church leaders and others important that I was a crossdresser. The next time she threatened me I said Go ahead, I've already told them. That stopped her. When she threated to throw out my cloths, I said that if she did, I would file charges and take it to court. That stopped that threat. So, yes, I have always been willing to work out boundries to the n'th degree, but I would not let her walk over me, either. I made sure that I kept my own healthy sense of self intact. My boundry was, I won't put it in your face, but neither will I let you make threats. Eventually we went our separate ways.

With my Angel, I told her I was a cd'er long before we married and even though she said she would be OK with it, I (from learning from experience with my first wife) insisted that we talk about it and work out boundries. I needed to know, to feel secure myself, what she was not OK with. The main boundry we worked out was that I was not to dress infront of the kids. The other was not to suprise her with any aspect of cd'ing, but to let her know ahead of time when I was going to dress. All this paid off big time because she ended up taking my first pic, went with me to every triess meeting I went to, took me out on my first outing (she said Joni needs to feel the sun on her face), encouraged me to go out on my own, asked me to take my cloths on our trip to Niagra Falls to spend a day dressed there and to dress on one leg of our Amrtak train ride there.

That is why I support working out boundries and groundrules because for me it made all the difference in the world. Even when Angel felt frustrated at times about my cd'ing, her own response to herself was "Well, it's not like Joni didn't tell me from the begining!". That just made me want to be sure I stayed within the boundries we worked out. With my first wife, although she did know I dressed before we married, but being young, we didn't really discuss it and she didn't really know how important it was to me and we never discussed what boundries she needed to feel secure. Because we didn't talk and work it out, our marriage didn't last.

That's why I say that boundries and groundrules help both persons to have a safe place to play/operate in.

As a cd'er you need to know what you need to maintain your own sense of self and your so needs to know what she feels uncomfortable with. From there work it out, also knowing that cd'ing is a progressive part of our lives and she needs to know that as well. Hopefully if she learns to feel secure knowing that you will stay within the boundries worked out, then in the future when you need to expand them, she will more likely trust that she will have a part in working out expanded boundries as well. This is all part of a relationship, which by defination means loss of some freedom and compromise, but not more than what would take away from your own sense of self.

[~Joanne~]

Hi Joanne, I know we have had our disagreement in another thread,

You know, I never hold a grudge like that. I have my opinion, you have yours, neither is right, neither is wrong ;)

I am terribly sorry that your first marriage didn't work out, it sounds like it was straight out of a horror movie and she had no right to threaten you but by god, you stood your ground and stayed true to yourself and that says a lot for a person, it truly does.

You took away the ammo and she had nothing to fire and I praise that decision on your part. If I was in that same situation, I would have probably done the same you did. It's really sad though that compromise couldn't be found and that communication fell apart but look at how enriched your life is now. It's has got to be the greatest blessing any CD could ask for and your new SO is heaven sent. things happen for a reason some believe ;)

I am not against boundaries at all. Without them the pink fog will suck up whole and spit you out after all the damage is done to everyone you hold dear. sorry I watched twister yesterday lol I am all for compromises and communication, I am totally against lock and key ownership though ;)

[Jonianne]

I think we essentialy are on the same page, Joanne.

Speaking of "Twister", I just watched it the other day myself. I guess it's just that time of year. Besides, Helen Hunt is one of my absolute favorites!

[~Joanne~]

I think we essentialy are on the same page, Joanne.

Speaking of "Twister", I just watched it the other day myself. I guess it's just that time of year. Besides, Helen Hunt is one of my absolute favorites!



She is truly one of the prettiest women I have ever seen :) Really good movie too :)