A bad thought the other day!

[cdsara]

The other day I dressed and when I looked at my self I had this thought of why in the world are you doing this? You arent cute you dont pass and you have shaken your marriage to the core. You should just stop throw it all away and never turn back.
I didnt but it was the first time I ever questioned myself and stopping. Has anyone else had this happen or is this why some purge?

[~Joanne~]

It's exactly why some purge. I for one have about 4-5 times now. it's the self doubt or you thinking you can control and bury this side of you. You can't....been there, tried that. There is no cure for something that is very much a part of who you are. Stop shaking your marriage and sit down and talk to your wife. make some compromises to suit both of your needs and go from there.

[Kaz]

It happens all thetime. You reach a point when you realise this is never going away and then you seek to accept/embrace it... and that leads to different decisions...

[Jenniferathome]

No Sara, it has not happened because I know this is me. "Stopping" is not possible. Pausing is, but not stopping. I never ask myself the question "why am I this way?" I am. I'll never know why and i don't try to know.

The issue on passing is a personal one. If that is your goal, it may take a lot of work and it may never happen. But, do you feel better when you dress? Life is short. Enjoy it.

[docrobbysherry]

Think of it this way, Sara:

Most of us get on airplanes. Some folks choose to JUMP OUT OF THEM!

Nearly all of us drive cars. Some folks choose to street race them up to 125+ mph at 2:00 in the morning!

Most of us dress. But, some of us dress ALL THE WAY ALL THE TIME!

We ALL, ,(including u), get to choose our involvement! That's what living in a "free counrty" is all about!

[Jacqueline Winona]

Many times, Sara, many times. But listen to Jennifer- Sara is a very real part of you, whether you are passable, cute, etc. doesn't matter, this is much deeper than what other people see.

[ArleneRaquel]

I agree with jennifer. Stopping is not possible. I've purged two or three times, and I regret it deeply. Sara stay strong, you have many friends here that will help you in anyway that they can.

[prettytoes]

The same thought occurs to me pretty often, but than I realize that I dress because it makes me feel good! I don't try to pass (it just ain't gonna happen!). I wear clothes that women half my age normally wear I do it because it just feels right. My wife is pretty good about it; there are but a few requested boundries. If it makes you feel good, and it's not hurting anyone, just do it! A good long talk with your wife may help. I explained to my wife that it has always been a part of me, and I can't make it go away. She is very understanding about it, however she is concerned that the cat may get out of the bag. I am pretty careful, after all, it took 27 years for her to find out!

[barbie lanai]

I have purged several times, thinking I could kick it. But all that does is cost money. I'd say instead of purging, to put your stuff in storage containers in the attic. And in a couple years will have it all available. Only good in purging is the excuse to go shopping!!

[Krististeph]

Yes, this is why purging occurs, but no, that's not the solution. You are doing this because this IS the way your brain is chemically balanced. You can't change it. It's the way you are. The problems- they are with the rest of society not realizing that some people are the way we are. WE are not 'wrong', we may not fit into most of society- i'm still not 'out' around my house mostly because of my neighbors- but if they DO find out- i'm not apologizing or backing down.

It is kind of tough, that we have to be our own ambassadors at all times, whereas nitwits who collect cabbage patch dolls are accepted (wtf???) without much ado. But then i think we get more out of what we do- and what we do is not 'hobby'...

Go with storage containers in the attic. You can't throw out what makes you who you are, no one can.

[cdsara]

thanks girls,
I guess its just the issues with my wife that are causing all this. I bought some stuff a few weeks ago online and when she saw the charge on our card she said I see you purchased some stuff. I didnt try to hide it and just said i bought a few cute things, you said I could as long as you didnt have to see them. She went nuts and backed up saying she never said that( unless it was the pink fog setting in that made me remember it that way!)
She wants me to stop, its not very manly(well DUH thats the point isnt it??) now she is just ignoring the subject and says she is not ready to talk about it. I said when you are ready let me know and told her again that I love her very much but this is part of me and wont go away. Well it was a few days later I had the bad thought that started this thread!
I think she is just confused and doesnt know what too think. Like so many have said its not like we are doing this and hurting people. (except our spouses apparently!)
Sorry I was just going to drop a quick reply!

[Barbara Ella]

I am very new to this life (6 months), and yet in the 3 months my wife has known I have had regrets about imposing my life on her. You r wife has had your life imposed on her, without her consent. She is allowed some bitch sessions and some forgetfulness on occasions. It is the least we can do as their minds are in such a state of flux that they cant really keep everything we are dong in order. When they have their down moments, we all get that feeling that we have done something really wrong, and we can stop and make all things better with them. WELL, WE CAN'T STOP. dont delude yourself that you can, you can't. It is in our psyche. Please pause and dont push your wife at this moment in time. The credit charge pushed a button with her that might not even have anything to do with your cross dressing, maybe she was in a quandary over money issues or something. You need to talk with her, and not take it personally.

Please do not tell her you think she is confused. Tell her that you respect her feelings and opinions, and dont want this situation to develop in the future. She is your life, and your rock. You need her. dont make any conversation about your cross dressing, but about the communication between the two of you, it will eventually come around to cross dressing, and your activities, and you will have a much clearer idea of why she reacted as she did.. Just keep reassuring her how important she is in your life.

Babes

[Tara D. Rose]

TGSara, I know exactly how you feel. We struggle with it everyday of our lives. We wind up married and hoping it will go away but it doesn’t. We trust our beloved wives with this, not knowing how she will respond. But I know my wife better than anyone else and every other cd knows their wife better than anyone else. So we make out decisions based upon how well we know our wives. I have paid big prices for the way I am and that I can’t help it, and neither can you. We purge and throw all of our stuff away. We pray and work so hard for years to suppress this crossdressing aspect of our lives that so many of us cannot understand. I do know what my limits are, and I know what my limits are and that they do not comply or become the norm of so may of us.
I have looked at myself in the mirror the next day as well as you and millions of others that asked ourselves why? Why do we do this? Why do I do this? Why do we jeopardize our lives and livelihood, why do we risk all of who we are? Why do we take such risk’s to maybe lose the love of our children? And the risk’s of losing our wives? Why do we hope they will understand? Why, when they don’t understand, do we continue to do this thing that takes such control of our lives even when we don’t quite have the full lowdown of who and what we are? Why do we look back and would change our lives and not get married knowing this thing of crossdressing was with us? How come we get married when we read so many stories of failed marriages as a result of this thing that we do? I try not to call it a curse, but for some of us, it is a curse. I would throw it all away tomorrow if I could. But the yearning and cravings to become Tara get stronger everyday. I compromise daily. I make no mention of her or it. I speak not of it or her. I dream about life as Tara, I go to sleep at night thinking about Tara. I wake up thinking about Tara. But I’m at a crossroads daily, stay the man, be the man, be a man, walk tall and proud. I bask in the love from my children that look up to me so proudfully but yet, Tara is a curse and a reminder to me every minute of everyday.

I purged big time about 15 years ago, I was so proud of myself internally, it was like quitting the worst drug in the world. I wanted to brag, but it was my personal secret. And now, having gotten older, and trusting my wife, this curse has taken control of me now, I cannot stop, I will never stop again. I wish I could.
I threw away a lot of good stuff many times. I sold my second home 50 miles away so that I would not be tempted to become Tara for the freedom was there, way back then.
And now after coming to this site and having gone to several cd events and having talked to so many others, for years, I realize this is with me, and it has always been with me, and that it will always be with me. Yes it was some of the major cause of my first 2 divorces, that onlt I knew at the time, for I kept it to myself,(except when my stepdaughter found a VHS tape) and laid it on her mothers sleeping chest.
Anyway, I need to try to cut this short. Like others have said here, purging no, or no not ever again, but as far as my life, I have to suppress Tara everyday. But aside from that, there are many other problems that we live with and hope to someday resolve.
I wish I could talk freely here and talk about purging, and the mistakes that purging lessons bring and of new lessons learned from purging. But even on here, I’m forced to suppress.
I will say that cd’s understand cd’s. I find that I need to take a break from here now. I have now been labeled somewhat of an outcast here. I really tried to get along, and I could get along, but the price is too heavy. Ya’ll have at it. I can’t just be content with commenting on those heels, or that dress or that look. I may be back around SCC time.
I will sometimes come in here and will only respond to pm’s only. Good bye everyone, I will miss some of you. And I hope to the ones that dislike me, celebrate and toast’s
with great applause and high five each other through pm’s, well we got rid of Tara and her kind.

I really tried here to make friends here and always made sure that I respected everyone, even if I disagreed with them, I respected them. I never resorted to name calling, or snide remarks to belittle others to make myself look good behind a computer screen, for I knew that we were all in so many different avenues and crossroads of life, and that we fit into so many categories, but I stood steadfast in respecting you all. I really do wish I could have received the same. My signature was removed citing it was against the forum rules, while others were allowed to stand. It’s ok though, I know I will not be missed. If I’m not permanently banned from here just for saying what I have said here, I will return just for the SCC threads that will come up in September.
I want to thank the following members that were oh so kind, Marleena, Frederique’, MsArlene, Sara-also, jjjoane, Dobrobbysherry, Miranda-E, Jan Michell Collins, Adina, Myojine, Annabelle Larouse, Beth Mays, NicoleTV, Claire Cook, Dayna, Donniedarkness, Pythos, Julogden, insearchofme, Joanne07, Jessica Britton, Anne2345, GirlieAmanda, StacyG, Daviloin, ShySelena, Insearchofme, babysteps, Misti, Julogden, DeniseCA, BrabyJ, Tommie, badtranny ,Inna, and so many others that made me feel welcome here. I loved, respected and trusted you all.
So this thread is about purging, so I must purge myself from here now. So if anyone wants to say anything to me, just do it with pm’s or to my personal email address. This place is like the moon, it’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live here. And I am suppressed to even tell you why. Enjoy the sight my sisters. Maybe will see you in the fall.
Love, peace, joy, tranquility and fulfillment, be with you all,

Love & Respect,

Tara

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

TGSara, I know exactly how you feel. We struggle with it everyday of our lives. We wind up married and hoping it will go away but it doesn’t. We trust our beloved wives with this, not knowing how she will respond. But I know my wife better than anyone else and every other cd knows their wife better than anyone else. So we make out decisions based upon how well we know our wives. I have paid big prices for the way I am and that I can’t help it, and neither can you. We purge and throw all of our stuff away. We pray and work so hard for years to suppress this crossdressing aspect of our lives that so many of us cannot understand. I do know what my limits are, and I know what my limits are and that they do not comply or become the norm of so may of us.
I have looked at myself in the mirror the next day as well as you and millions of others that asked ourselves why? Why do we do this? Why do I do this? Why do we jeopardize our lives and livelihood, why do we risk all of who we are? Why do we take such risk’s to maybe lose the love of our children? And the risk’s of losing our wives? Why do we hope they will understand? Why, when they don’t understand, do we continue to do this thing that takes such control of our lives even when we don’t quite have the full lowdown of who and what we are? Why do we look back and would change our lives and not get married knowing this thing of crossdressing was with us? How come we get married when we read so many stories of failed marriages as a result of this thing that we do? I try not to call it a curse, but for some of us, it is a curse. I would throw it all away tomorrow if I could. But the yearning and cravings to become Tara get stronger everyday. I compromise daily. I make no mention of her or it. I speak not of it or her. I dream about life as Tara, I go to sleep at night thinking about Tara. I wake up thinking about Tara. But I’m at a crossroads daily, stay the man, be the man, be a man, walk tall and proud. I bask in the love from my children that look up to me so proudfully but yet, Tara is a curse and a reminder to me every minute of everyday.

I purged big time about 15 years ago, I was so proud of myself internally, it was like quitting the worst drug in the world. I wanted to brag, but it was my personal secret. And now, having gotten older, and trusting my wife, this curse has taken control of me now, I cannot stop, I will never stop again. I wish I could.
I threw away a lot of good stuff many times. I sold my second home 50 miles away so that I would not be tempted to become Tara for the freedom was there, way back then.
And now after coming to this site and having gone to several cd events and having talked to so many others, for years, I realize this is with me, and it has always been with me, and that it will always be with me. Yes it was some of the major cause of my first 2 divorces, that onlt I knew at the time, for I kept it to myself,(except when my stepdaughter found a VHS tape) and laid it on her mothers sleeping chest.
Anyway, I need to try to cut this short. Like others have said here, purging no, or no not ever again, but as far as my life, I have to suppress Tara everyday. But aside from that, there are many other problems that we live with and hope to someday resolve.
I wish I could talk freely here and talk about purging, and the mistakes that purging lessons bring and of new lessons learned from purging. But even on here, I’m forced to suppress.
I will say that cd’s understand cd’s. I find that I need to take a break from here now. I have now been labeled somewhat of an outcast here. I really tried to get along, and I could get along, but the price is too heavy. Ya’ll have at it. I can’t just be content with commenting on those heels, or that dress or that look. I may be back around SCC time. Or if anyone wants to say something to me, just email me at: c-5000@hotmail.com
I will sometimes come in here and will only respond to pm’s only. Good bye everyone, I will miss some of you. And I hope to the ones that dislike me, celebrate and toast’s
with great applause and high five each other through pm’s, well we got rid of Tara and her kind.

I really tried here to make friends here and always made sure that I respected everyone, even if I disagreed with them, I respected them. I never resorted to name calling, or snide remarks to belittle others to make myself look good behind a computer screen, for I knew that we were all in so many different avenues and crossroads of life, and that we fit into so many categories, but I stood steadfast in respecting you all. I really do wish I could have received the same. My signature was removed citing it was against the forum rules, while others were allowed to stand. It’s ok though, I know I will not be missed. If I’m not permanently banned from here just for saying what I have said here, I will return just for the SCC threads that will come up in September.
I want to thank the following members that were oh so kind, Marleena, Frederique’, MsArlene, Sara-also, jjjoane, Dobrobbysherry, Miranda-E, Jan Michell Collins, Adina, Myojine, Annabelle Larouse, Beth Mays, NicoleTV, Claire Cook, Dayna, Donniedarkness, Pythos, Julogden, insearchofme, Joanne07, Jessica Britton, Anne2345, GirlieAmanda, StacyG, Daviloin, ShySelena, Insearchofme, babysteps, Misti, Julogden, DeniseCA, BrabyJ, Tommie, badtranny ,Inna, and so many others that made me feel welcome here. I loved, respected and trusted you all.
So this thread is about purging, so I must purge myself from here now. So if anyone wants to say anything to me, just do it with pm’s or to my personal email address. This place is like the moon, it’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live here. And I am suppressed to even tell you why. Enjoy the sight my sisters. Maybe will see you in the fall.
Love, peace, joy, tranquility and fulfillment, be with you all,

Love & Respect,

Tara

I agree with Tara. I will visit, but if you want talk to me, you can go to my facebook sight; http://facebook.com/phylis.n.schuyler ; email me at; phylis34210@gmail.com ; or PM me here. I will visit and read from time to time. Thank you to all my friends for their support and may you always find happiness and joy.

Luv;
Phylis (gender?)

[noeleena]

Hi,

Why do i dress . im certinly not cute not femm no femininenity not beautifull not a girle girl, what else, oh yes dont pass & sure as ...dont blend in . yet i have a miner prob.

So why do i do this, because im a woman....& if i did not accept my self the way i am id be insane,
Some thing came up else were, it was about being pretty & i thought , oh no not this again , so yes it gets at myself some days , & its like a war who's going to win .

Will i ever over come this, its about accepting ones self or being buried, so its not easy.

...noeleena...

[cdsara]

maybe I just need to prove to myself that I can be cute. I would just like to have one pic of me and go wow that really looks like a girl! something to work on and towards I guess.

[kimdl93]

These are pretty common thoughts, as anyone who reads this forum can attest. Besides denying yourself, you need to ask what can you do to reinforce the foundations of your marriage and what can you do to feel more comfortable with yourself, your appearance and the overall expression of your feminine side. Purging won't do any of those things.

[LeaP]

These are pretty common thoughts, as anyone who reads this forum can attest. Besides denying yourself, you need to ask what can you do to reinforce the foundations of your marriage and what can you do to feel more comfortable with yourself, your appearance and the overall expression of your feminine side. Purging won't do any of those things.

Great response. In fact, purging will not only not fix anything, it will introduce new problems and reinforce conflicts as time goes on.

Lea

[Karren H]

No one has an answer for "why" and even if you knew it wouldn't change a thing...