Coming Out

[Aloha Jayne]

March 11, 2012. Came out to my SO today.

um......anyone know a good divorce attourney. Somebody cheap. It'll be easy, uncontested, she gets everything.

[Maria in heels]

Jayne...so sorry to hear this....if you are giving away everything, you really won't need a good attorney...save whatever money you have left

[AllieSF]

Sorry to hear that. Was it a forced coming out, a desired one and what results did you expect before coming out? I ask because there always seems to be so much peer pressure here (though less lately) to tell the SO and sometimes others about our secret life.

If you think that you can go through an uncontested divorce, you may want to try the do-it-yourself type. I used Nolo Press' Do-It-Yourself divorce book for California in 1991 bought at one of the big chain bookstores. It worked fine and we only needed to use a legal service to properly file the divorce papers. Good luck.

[StaceyJane]

I am so sorry to hear that.
I had a rough time when my wife found out but we worked it out. Now my wife and family know and we have adjusted our lives.

[RADER]

Jane;
Was it that bad, no hope of continuing on in the marriage.
Divorce is so final, I hate to see anyone go through it. Maybe a second chance.
Was the fact that you want to CD all that bad?
I hope there is Hope for you
Rader

[2B Natasha]

SAY WHAT! Why does she get everything? Is she threatening to tell your Parents? siblings? boss? Church? If so. Let her. Parents have the ability to over look and accept allot more then we give them credit for. Do not just roll over and play dead. At least fight for the marriage if you in have a shred of love left for her. Give yourself and her a chance to let it sink in and then see where it goes.

[Ally 2112]

MY heart goes out to you Jayne I went through the same thing she did not quite get everthing but !!! .Do not go down without a fight hopefully she will want to keep this a secret goodluck !!

[Leelou]

SAY WHAT! Why does she get everything? Is she threatening to tell your Parents? siblings? boss? Church? If so. Let her. Parents have the ability to over look and accept allot more then we give them credit for. Do not just roll over and play dead. At least fight for the marriage if you in have a shred of love left for her. Give yourself and her a chance to let it sink in and then see where it goes.

I agree with Natasha that you shouldn't necessarily let her have everything. Obviously I don't know anything about the financial situation, but if their are significant assets or debts don't just lay down. Give it some time to process, I know you're hurting, sorry. I've been there.

[Alice B]

I am also sorry to hear thatit is over. Self divorce is easy, if both parties are in agreement. If not then I strongly advise you get legal help. I did two self divorces and both were very easy. Just the filing fees and there are lots of good books on how to do it. But, be sure to inventory what you are giving away to be sure.

[JessHaust]

Tell us more about it please.

[Stephanie-L]

I am in the early stages of a Texas divorce, and I can tell you, she does not get everything. It is 50/50. If you have kids you have to provide for them. If your SO is not able or not willing to work they may get spousal support (alimony), but only up to 20% of your gross income or $2500 a month, whichever is less, and that ends after 3 years unless you have little kids or they are disabled. Get a lawyer, do not let yourself be guilted into giving everything away, BTW this is really common, one party, usually the guy, gives up everything because of guilt or just to get it over with, and you do not need to. Good luck.........Stephanie

[whowhatwhen]

I wish you all the good luck in the world and my heart goes out to you.

[jennifer_cd]

hi jayne .. i'm sorry to see your latest posting.. i read your earlier one about if you should come out and i can imagine you are conflicted about it.. please remember that there are many good things that will come from this so stay positive during the turmoil. wishing you peace and happiness dear :)
jennifer

[Barbara Ella]

Jayne, I am so very sorry that your coming out has taken this turn. I hope, as some have said, that a little time will make her see that CD ing is not really a reason for divorce. But the decision to pursue this is yours, and only you know what is possible. I wish the best for you. Whatever happens, do not lie down, an equitable divorce is best for all concerned and leaves no one feeling like they were taken.

Babes

[Lorileah]

OK not selling the farm yet. You just came out today. Your wife is in shock and disbelief and has a million questions. I would not go running for a divorce lawyer just yet unless the reason you came out was to force that hand. Just like many things there will be a time of questioning and arguing. Your wife doesn't have the perspective that we have here and I am sure she is convinced that there is a lot more to your story (and maybe there is). Right now she sees the stereotype. She only knows what she has seen in the media. All bad things for her. Take a breath, talk and see if there is an easier way than blowing up the marriage.

[Marleena]

Just wow! I can't believe it could go so badly, you know this woman well. Why give her everything? Is she blackmailing you by threatening to tell everybody? You can't let anybody have that much power over you. You have rights too. Jayne you need to give this some time as the others have said.

Not much to go on on here other than she disapproves right now.

[JessHaust]

Lorileah's advice is sound and extremely applicable. Give it time.

[Sweet_Nicole]

Im so sorry to hear this Jayne. My marriage is on the rocks at the moment too since coming out, but we are trying to work things out. Im not sure what the outcome will be I guess only time will tell. I hope that everything works out for you.

[suzy1]

I went through an uncontested divorce.
I did it myself. Got all the relevant forms online.
It cost me £75. Best money I ever spent!

If your marriage is a good one then I am very sorry for you Jayne.
If not then freedom is a wonderful thing.

SUZY

[Jessica86]

Why is everyone acting like this is over? It may not be. I remember my wife saying she was going to divorce me because I was leaving for a work related party/meeting at a restaraunt. It was just the guys invited. It was only a two hour event, and she thought I was going to a bar with another girl. We all say things we don't mean when you run out of things to say. I think she said it because she didn't know what to say. I don't understand how someone can end a relationship over a behavior like ours. After all, you are the same man today as you were twenty years ago. She loved you then. Why not now? I think that's a good point to bring up to her. Who knows, it might bring up other issues besides the dressing, giving you room to work.

[kimdl93]

I think you and your wife need to take a step back. Give it some tome to let the dust settle even if that means a separation. Divorce is a huge step not to be taken rashly.

[Karren H]

Exactly the way I felt the day after the reveal. Seven years ago. Yeah its been a struggle but if you love her do not just give up so easily.

[BRANDYJ]

I agree with what Lorleah said. But I'm wondering????? Is your post just a way to tell us that it did not go well and you are expressing that by talking about divorce? Are you seriously saying she really means it and wants a divorce? Are you also saying you give up that easy on a woman you love if in fact you do?
I know myself have said things out of anger, fear, hurt and despair that I did not really mean. Could this be the case with your wife?

In your last thread, you said you loved your wife dearly. If you do, then don't give up on your marriage so fast. Begin by showing that love to your wife. Don't even mention your CDing. If it comes up. let her be the one to bring it up.

I do hope you are either over reacting to what your wife expressed out of her hurt, fear or even dislike for what you told her. Real simple: If she loves you dearly, she is not giving you up that easy eithere and could have said some things she really does'nt mean too.

If you think that divorcing is best and Jayne can be who she wants to be, is the best thing, in my opinion you are very wrong. Hang on to the lpove you have and try to work it out.

I wish you well Jayne. But you had better think real hard before you take any further drastic steps or just lay down and give her the divorde that even she may not really want.

[Aloha Jayne]

Is your post just a way to tell us that it did not go well and you are expressing that by talking about divorce?

Thank you to everyone for their support. Brandy is the winner here. No she is not asking for a divorce, at least not yet, it's just how I feel right now. I have hurt someone that means the world to me. As I mentioned in earlier posts, I was faced with hurting her now, or continuing to live in secret and potentially hurting her even more later. But I would glady give her everything to take the hurt away. Only time can do that.

Thanks again.

Jayne

[kimdl93]

Jayne, you can help take the hurt away by continuing to express the affection you feel ....actions always speak louder than words. Give it some time to quiet down, let her process her thoughts and feelings a bit, and while she's doing that, be extra conscious about supporting and accepting her.

Mind you, your wife was hurt by the news, but you didn't deliberately inflict harm...you simply told her your truth. And although she's upset for the moment, that honesty on your part is certainly better than having her make the discovery by accident.

[cdsara]

material things wont fix her pain I went thruough the same thing a few months ago and now its starting to get better. Therapy helped. Maybe you should suggest that. just kepp in mind your going to fix the relationship, not you!

[~Joanne~]

Thank you to everyone for their support. Brandy is the winner here. No she is not asking for a divorce, at least not yet, it's just how I feel right now. I have hurt someone that means the world to me. As I mentioned in earlier posts, I was faced with hurting her now, or continuing to live in secret and potentially hurting her even more later. But I would glady give her everything to take the hurt away. Only time can do that.

Thanks again.

Jayne

Not to be mean here, but if she isn't asking for a divorce and you love her as much as you say you do, you'd be a damn fool to go looking for a divorce.

Slow down a bit and let all of this process. Sit down with her and have a very long talk when she is ready to talk. right now she is running all of these scenarios through her head and probably formulating a million and one questions. let it ride a couple of days and when you both are past the emotional stage, sit and talk it all out. explain what it is you want from this side of your life, be prepared to answer a lot of questions and to make some compromises.

I wish you both all the best of luck
Joanne

[Kristyn Hill]

Good Luck, Jayne. If she loved you on Saturday then she loves you today. High heels and lipstick couldn't change you but only make you hotter. Surely she is attracted to Jayne!

[BRANDYJ]

Thank you to everyone for their support. Brandy is the winner here. No she is not asking for a divorce, at least not yet, it's just how I feel right now. I have hurt someone that means the world to me. As I mentioned in earlier posts, I was faced with hurting her now, or continuing to live in secret and potentially hurting her even more later. But I would glady give her everything to take the hurt away. Only time can do that.

Thanks again.

Jayne

Jayne I am so happy that I was right about what you meant in your post. Please Jayne, just show her how much you love and appreciate her. How sorry you are for hurting her and that was not your intent. Your intent was to finally share ALL of who you really are with her with no more secrets. Give her time! Let her lead any further conversations about CDing. Another words. lay low about it. Give her time to think and to come to terms with what you have shared with her. In the long run, this might have helped both of you in being more open and honest in your communicating with each other. I've read it before; it may be something that brings you both closere together then ever before. But it will take time. Don't rush it. Give her time to heal whatever bothers her about what you shared with her. Again, I wish you luck.

Kim, in post #26 gave some very good advice. I agree with her 100%. I hope you take note of it.

[Beverley Sims]

Talk, talk, work it through.
We all have rough patches in our marriages and give and take work wonders.
Always negotiate and it is not a big sacrifice to take two steps back occasionally.

[BillieJoEllen]

The reason you'd give her everything is because you treasure her so much. Thats in your favor. From what I've heard from you before I'm sure she knows this.

But you did hurt her in an extreme way. Don't forget, she married a man and thats what she expected from her marriage. Give this time. Give her time to think about your situation. All is not lost yet. You are still the same person as you were yesterday and last week and last year. She'll soon come to realize this and want to talk about it. Make sure you TALK! Wishing you the best...

[Stephanie8]

I am so sorry to hear. Is this the absolute final decision?