How did you know?

[Anna Lorree]

So many of you have said, either here or in private messages with me, that you just finally knew you were transsexual. My question to you is how, how did you know? This is an individual thing so I don't expect a general "one size fits all" answer. So many of you have said that a person shouldn't transition unless they really need to. How did you recognize that need?

Anna

[Deborah_UK]

I finally decided to take control of what is left of my life. I was in such a bad spiral about 4-5 years ago, drinking heavily, depressed which increased my drinking etc. I finally decided that I needed to live my life for me, and no-one else. Selfish? Maybe, but weren't others being selfish by wanting "him" to keep presenting the male to the world because that's what they wanted.

I had a 5 hour talk with a close friend, who had no clue before that day - she had seen my depression, and threw in a throwaway remark "is it because you want to be a woman". Yes I replied and the floodgate opened!

I am no longer a heavy drinker, I might have a couple of glasses of wine once a week, I've lost weight, I'm no longer depressed and nearly every one at work (the ones without closed minds and bigotry) have remarked how a nice person has turned into a really nice one!

Don't know if that helps answer your question, but I guess the need was always there but I masked it with masculinity, and only when I had the moment of clarity that we only get one go at life on this planet and I didn't want to reach the end without being true to myself.

[Asako]

I got my first inkling at 10 when I crossdressed for the first time and felt a deep peace wash over me. It felt so much better. So natural to the point that I realized that it felt more natural than being a boy. For a 10 yr old to have that sort of revelation...it scared the living hell out of me. The end result was a decade of repression that ended with a long, painful string of lies that came crashing down around me. This would become one of the greatest, if not THE greatest regret I will ever carry that I have no chance of ever fixing. Things after that were a blur to the point that I can't really remember how much time I spent receded from the world around me. It may have been a month or even three months. It also could have only been a week or two. I receded from the world to the point that I have no idea how much time had actually passed between the lies crashing down around me and when I rejoined the ranks of those in reality.

I recognize the need for myself to transition as this feeling: If I don't beat my fears and transition, then I know without a doubt that I will eventually collapse under the weight of dysphoria, depression, and emotional stress to the point that I will die. It'll just be a matter of time before the collapse occurs unless I transition.

[noeleena]

Hi,

At age 10 i knew what i was then a part of my wireing how i saw things , & knew i was different, I had no words i could use or understand what they would have meant anyway, to young,
I did not transition because i was allready female & male , how i dressed did not change anything even if i did hate some clothes,

For my self in how i live now is as a full female / woman , Im just one of those who was pretty much happy with who i was / am all my life no detail of not being happy with in , so no problems with my mental state ,

& the ? of cause would be & it was said to me why dont you just live as a male, & wear male clothes,
what they did not understand was i never was a full male to start with. i did not think as one let alone relate to or with males, yet haveing said that there are details / things about me that are male, that is a part of who i am as a person.
Im happy with that as well.

i knew i would live as a woman & i knew i would be accepted as one , yet i doughted my self in so many ways & things about my self I really did fear i would not be accepted, i had that conflict going on for most of my life,

So as said different for all of us,

Im just one happy , contented loveing woman who has been given so , so much ,yea its really just so fantastic ,

...noeleena...

[Kristy_K]

I fought my feelings since I was a child. I was depress and drank and mostly unhappy about life. But since I didn't like guys and being to tall or ect. I felt I couldn't be a good girl. Then about a year ago I had major back problems that would require back surgery. In the process before and after the surgery I was on very strong drugs including morphine and ect. I had no sexual thoughts at all but still had to dress to feel a peace within me.
Once I was told it was OK not to like guys and I could still be a girl. Well it was the a snowball effect for me. Some of my friends says I have taken the express train on transitioning. All I know is that I have never been happier in my life as what I am now. I look in the mirror now and really like who I see.

Hugs,
Kristy

[Julia_in_Pa]

For me I was diagnosed officially as intersexed in 1992 but knew from an x-ray concerning additional organ development back in 1981.
I " knew " I was not what I was presenting as when I was around four years of age.
The Need for me to transition came once in 2001 and overwhelmingly in late 2006.
The feelings of dread and panic hit me like a ton of bricks.
I transitioned to avoid death.


Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I had repressed it..i had looked at it like a fantasy...so i strongly "fought" it as just a really strong fantasy...even as a i went forward i struggled with doubts and thoughts about how i was being so selfish..

i first noticed my existential depression after the holidays one year... and i carried around this gender therapists number, afraid to call for quite some time.. i was separated and free to dress...and i dressed and dressed, and i "realized" that ALL of my free time was around dressing...and i was still miserable... i didn't see it, but i was wanting TO LIVE... it was becoming a matter of survival...i was becoming dysfunctional and unable to enjoy people...

i finally called the therapist...i got to tell my story which was so empowering to me... i recall my question...So doctor, what am I???? She just laughed and said "i guess we'll have to see.."... I was introduced to dr christine mcginn...i told her my story...i recall she said.."you got it bad" and she was quite direct about it in her own way..."its just a matter of time" she said...

my therapist introduced me to a transsexual....the first thing i remember her saying was "DONT TRANSITION"...she left out the "unless you have to" part...she just said DONT DO IT...hehe... those words were like a drip of water in a torrent..which was the point ......over time she admitted she does that just to put people on notice NO BS.....she counsels alot of people (now a therapist in training)

I then went to a dinner with 4 transitioned women and i just sat there and melted...it was like a tidal wave of realization...This is "real" i thought... I am just like them i thought... FOR ME PERSONALLY, I needed that affirmation.....
but that realization just stuck the knife in deeper because all those "real life" things, especially my kids, came to the fore..and i felt more trapped than ever..and it was THAT feeling that led me here...it became truly life threatening..i felt it was better for my kids that i was alive than dead, and i felt i had no choice

perhaps that would help you...to develop a meaningful relationship with a group of transsexuals would highlight to you what this is and isnt... looking somebody in the eye, you can much better judge for yourself if you are "like them"...

[Jennifer Marie P.]

I knew I wanted to be a girl as early as 7 years old when I first crossdressed and it hit me thats me a girl and from there it was Jennifer.

[Badtranny]

So many of you have said that a person shouldn't transition unless they really need to. How did you recognize that need?

Many people who aren't TS have and experience gender issues and many of those people may truly wish that they would have been born differently. The difference is a TS person actually does "it". That means coming out and telling everyone in your life and then the rest of the world that you are a transsexual. I believe a person's "need" to transition directly correlates to their willingness to come out. Some people SAY they need to do this or that but coming out is terrifying and only people who REALLY need to do something unpleasant actually do it.

I am not a proponent of the impulsive or un-managed transition but I think even that is better than a "secret" transition which to me is the antithesis of living an authentic life. The whole point of transitioning is to just finally be real. To drop the pretending and fantasizing and step into your life as a real person instead of an actor. I don't care how well meaning you are or how unique your circumstances, if you're not prepared to sack up and face who you really are than you obviously don't NEED to transition.

[Inna]

pressure cooker!

1. place a gender issue in a pressure cooker and to be precise a slow cooker at that.
2. turn the temperature up ever so slowly.
3. see the gender issue dissolve into a bubbly substance surfacing at times then disappearing into the soup as it boils.
4. leave it unattended for a lifetime
5. when the pressure cooker finally explodes, do not clean up! place the exploded cooker into its original box, go tho walmart and demand your money back
6. after frustrating hour arguing with store manager, realize that it was your doing all along and not a malfunction of equipment, that the cooker was fine except you did interpret the instructions wrong because they were written in chinese
7. admit to your self and preferably to the manager and all the clerks that you had assumed things and that with chinese instructions it is simply impossible to decipher truth!
8. by the time you have returned the gender issue you cooked to oblivion would had solidified by now and is well imbedded into everywhere, scraping it off wont do, and quite visible to everyone who visits your kitchen. if you are married, your wife may throw you out because you had ruined her beloved kitchen, then she may not, you will never know until its done.
9. You are not a bad cook, but the pressure was too much to handle even for the best of cookers, and instruction were in chinese if you bought the cooker in walmart, so no blame, no fault.
10. once you had admitted the facts to your self, it will get better but not necessarily easier. But one thing remains: Kitchen needs a remodel! :)

[tanyalynn51]

I first wondered what was wrong with me when I was in my early teens, but had been cding since I was 7. I buried it with only partial success for years with drugs and alcohol, but when I quit doing those, it came roaring back at me. I knew that I was a girl with everything in me, but didnt know for sure until I got desperate enough and worked up the courage to see a therapist who told me what I already knew anyway.

[KarenCDFL]

I can remember back to about 3 or 4 when I would try to emulate my mom and her telling me that boys don't do that. This was after she saw me wearing her tights and and lipstick.

At about 4 or 5, I was taken to a big department store for the first time where I saw all of these people going up and down the escalators and thinking that there has to be someplace in this "place" that I could go up a boy and come down a girl just like all of the little girls "must" have been doing.

Unfortunately here it is 50 years later still living as a male because all of those escalators must have been broken.

If only....

[LeaP]

pressure cooker!

Great analogy, and fun reading! I'm trying to figure out if God or my mother is Walmart in this, though. I not sure either would be flattered ...

Lea

[arbon]

The long answer , sorry for writing so much!

I was always very confused about it. Most of my life I wished / wanted to be a girl / woman. I knew I hated being a boy / man, which I did not understand at all why I felt that way. I was very ashamed of how I felt about it. I cross dressed a little but I hated that I did it, and it was limited.
It never occurred to me that I was transsexual, or that I was a woman just ended up in the wrong body.

In late 2008 a couple of events happened that really triggered it and set the train in motion - one going out for a pre halloween party with my partner, we switched rolls me as the girl her as the boy, it was supposed to be funny and for a laugh but I wanted it to be real. It killed me inside sitting at a table with my dad when he won a women's necklace and people made the joke oh you could give it to your daughter in reference to me sitting at the table with him, ha ha, everyone got a good laugh, but inside I realized how much I really wished I was his daughter that he could give it to. I was really sad and depressed about it. There was a reason I never went out dressed in public because the last time I had tried it in early 90's (also for halloween) it really messed with my head and I did some very, very embarrassing stuff that night while drunk. It led me to see a psychiatrist back then but we never made any progress on the gender issue, though it did lead to me sobering up. But once sober I was determined to overcome my gender issue and shoved it back down. But the point is both times I tried going out in public dressed as a woman it fiercely messed with my head.

A couple weeks after I went to the party in 2008 I tried to write about my feelings because it was really stirred up inside. I never wrote about it directly before that because I was afraid someone would somehow get hold of it and read it. Even if I died i did not want anyone to know. But I wrote how when I was a child I wished I was a girl - a lot of repressed feelings, memories, desires were hammering me. And of course what happens - I accidently attached what I wrote to an email to a vendor I work with at my job. Ouch! Well someone read it. In fact quite a few people read it :-/

That really left me in a depressed, confused and suicidal state for about the next 1 + years, trying to figure it all out. My wife as constantly afraid I was going to kill myself.

Started therapy in January 2010 at first thinking still to try and find a way to be content as a man and maybe find a way to be happy as a crossdresser. Thereapist said OK, but asked why I was so against transition and I had all the usual reasons, but it all came down to fear. It quickly become apparent my idea of being content as a man was total BS based on my fear of what imagined I would lose.

In March or April 2010 I met another trans woman, she moved back to town - we are both from this small town so we knew each other from before her tansition. She was the first trans person i had really been around. She became friends with my wife and was in her circle of women friends. I was very, very jealous of this trans woman being able to live so openly and being accepted in the community as a woman (well, to some degree she was accepted anyway - it has been no walk in the park for her around here) - that is what I wanted, to live as a woman and me trying to be a man around her really drove me crazy - it was such a lie and painful for me - I hated being a man.

One day in May was pretty sure suicide was the only solution, I was ready to check out. Went to look for the gun but that day my wife had the foresight to take it out of the house. She sensed what was going on in my head.

We both came to the conclusion I needed to try to transition because I was going to end up dead real soon.

In June or July 2010 I went out in public again - for real, not some lets do this for a laugh deal. Got my ears pierced. Went to a trans support meeting. Being referred to as her, ma'am, she, as Theresa, it all felt so right it was like finally being able to breath! Started HRT in August and that really cemented it - I was never going back and any resistance i still had to the idea that I was transsexual was gone. That is when I was sure.

I am SO much more at peace with myself and the world when I can just be me and not have to force myself to be a man - which I am still doing 30 hours a week for work - which DEPRESSES THE HELL OUT OF ME. But the rest of the time I feel better when I can be me. And one day very very soon I will be free all the time.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The long answer , sorry for writing so much!

I was always very confused about it. Most of my life I wished / wanted to be a girl / woman. I knew I hated being a boy / man, which I did not understand at all why I felt that way. I was very ashamed of how I felt about it. I cross dressed a little but I hated that I did it, and it was limited.
It never occurred to me that I was transsexual, or that I was a woman just ended up in the wrong body.

In late 2008 a couple of events happened that really triggered it and set the train in motion - one going out for a pre halloween party with my partner, we switched rolls me as the girl her as the boy, it was supposed to be funny and for a laugh but I wanted it to be real. It killed me inside sitting at a table with my dad when he won a women's necklace and people made the joke oh you could give it to your daughter in reference to me sitting at the table with him, ha ha, everyone got a good laugh, but inside I realized how much I really wished I was his daughter that he could give it to. I was really sad and depressed about it. There was a reason I never went out dressed in public because the last time I had tried it in early 90's (also for halloween) it really messed with my head and I did some very, very embarrassing stuff that night while drunk. It led me to see a psychiatrist back then but we never made any progress on the gender issue, though it did lead to me sobering up. But once sober I was determined to overcome my gender issue and shoved it back down. But the point is both times I tried going out in public dressed as a woman it fiercely messed with my head.

A couple weeks after I went to the party in 2008 I tried to write about my feelings because it was really stirred up inside. I never wrote about it directly before that because I was afraid someone would somehow get hold of it and read it. Even if I died i did not want anyone to know. But I wrote how when I was a child I wished I was a girl - a lot of repressed feelings, memories, desires were hammering me. And of course what happens - I accidently attached what I wrote to an email to a vendor I work with at my job. Ouch! Well someone read it. In fact quite a few people read it :-/

That really left me in a depressed, confused and suicidal state for about the next 1 + years, trying to figure it all out. My wife as constantly afraid I was going to kill myself.

Started therapy in January 2010 at first thinking still to try and find a way to be content as a man and maybe find a way to be happy as a crossdresser. Thereapist said OK, but asked why I was so against transition and I had all the usual reasons, but it all came down to fear. It quickly become apparent my idea of being content as a man was total BS based on my fear of what imagined I would lose.

In March or April 2010 I met another trans woman, she moved back to town - we are both from this small town so we knew each other from before her tansition. She was the first trans person i had really been around. She became friends with my wife and was in her circle of women friends. I was very, very jealous of this trans woman being able to live so openly and being accepted in the community as a woman (well, to some degree she was accepted anyway - it has been no walk in the park for her around here) - that is what I wanted, to live as a woman and me trying to be a man around her really drove me crazy - it was such a lie and painful for me - I hated being a man.

One day in May was pretty sure suicide was the only solution, I was ready to check out. Went to look for the gun but that day my wife had the foresight to take it out of the house. She sensed what was going on in my head.

We both came to the conclusion I needed to try to transition because I was going to end up dead real soon.

In June or July 2010 I went out in public again - for real, not some lets do this for a laugh deal. Got my ears pierced. Went to a trans support meeting. Being referred to as her, ma'am, she, as Theresa, it all felt so right it was like finally being able to breath! Started HRT in August and that really cemented it - I was never going back and any resistance i still had to the idea that I was transsexual was gone. That is when I was sure.

I am SO much more at peace with myself and the world when I can just be me and not have to force myself to be a man - which I am still doing 30 hours a week for work - which DEPRESSES THE HELL OUT OF ME. But the rest of the time I feel better when I can be me. And one day very very soon I will be free all the time.

I just wanted to say even though the details of my experience were very different..i totally relate to what you wrote here and how you felt at different times... i went through what seems like the exact same feelings triggered by different moments..

[Anna Lorree]

Thank you for all of your replies and private messages. I know this is a deeply personal thing for all of you, and I appreciate your shared experience, knowledge and wisdom. Some have told me that it was a matter of acceptance, rather than knowing. That I can relate to. If I rate myself on the Harry Benjamin Scale, I am a 4. Yes, there is that dreaded "T" word there, it calls me a transsexual. I know the HB Scale is a bit dated, but it is still the best such tool I have found. Three years ago, I considered myself a crossdresser, but that has changed with research and self-exploration. When I started therapy in December, I called myself TG. The movement is confusing.

I don't particularly HATE being a guy, but it brings me no real joy. I don't hate it, but I don't like it and am not really comfortable with it. Every time I dress and am in a comfortable environment, I am all smiles and happy, even though I know I don't pass. Coming out is such a high-stakes thing, there is no taking it back. If I get to a point where I simply have to live outwardly female, then fine, I will come out. But short of that, I can't come out to "try it on" as it were, then go back in if I realize that I am no better off or living that way flat out sucks to me. I recognize that there is likely a HUGE difference between dressing sometimes and even living for a weekend, and living full time as a woman. It seems that you have to commit to a huge decision without full information.

I'm not to a point where I HAVE to transition, but I am more and more often at a place where I find myself wanting to.

Anna

[Kristyn Hill]

good luck with however you pursue this. Looks like there is plenty of support here as you already know.

[Traci Elizabeth]

For me, it was kind of blatant. My earliest remembrances was at 4 or 5. But you have to take into account that all my life, I have looked and acted very feminine. Most would have taken me as a girl not a boy. All my friends were girls and while I grew up, I played jump rope with my girlfriends, hopscotch, had tea parties, played dress up, and putting makeup on each of us. Went to sock hops with my girlfriends and I knew i was always a girl. That was all fine and dandy as a child even though I got made fun of all the time. But I paid dearly for it as a preteen and teenager to the point of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse. Some resulting in near-death situations which I will not go into here.

But your question will get as many answers as there are members who respond as we all travel our own journey unlike anyone else.

[Jonianne]

Katesback had a post in another thread that she mentioned that often when a cd'er is no longer married, she starts to realize she is TS. I was going to post a response of "Hey, I resemble that remark!" until the thread got out of hand.

Six months after my Angel passed, I finally began to allow myself to know I am TS. All my life, it was a constant undertow, but I never allowed myself to go or stay there. First because of my religious beliefs and the stigma attached and later while married, that was my reason for suppressing my desire. I just said I identified "with" females, but that I didn't identify "as" a female and that is how I kept my distance from allowing myself to believe I am TS.

Love and the need to be in a relationship is often a reason to suppress or sacrifice the inner desire to transition, as well as fear.

As a child I made firm decisions that I was not going to be like or grow up to be a "man". It has always been my desire to be like the strong women like my mother and grandmother. However they were also very religious and whenever I heard of a transexual during the 60's or 70's, it felt literally like a slap in the face or a punch in the stumach, because I knew that was me. But I just kept saying, "That's not ME! I'm not like THEM!"and I took cover behind fear and religion.

The beginings of my self-acceptance was during the nearly 8 years of individual and group therapy when I finally realized that being TG was not a moral or spiritual issue. Back then, I was just allowing myself to be OK and accept being a cd'er, but I also said I would be OK with myself with any other thing I discovered about myself, ie if I was gay, transexual or whatever. So, while PM'ing with a gg friend here I finally let go and said, yes, I do want to transition and I have felt right about all the steps I have taken in that direction.

[whowhatwhen]

Anna, I hope you don't mind but since some things you've posted are a bit similar to how I feel I'd like to ask a few questions to anyone.

I can't say I've always known or wanted to be a girl either, however I've never felt I was doing boy right either.
I remember basically other kids in school telling me I didn't act like a normal boy, or that I acted just like them (girls), and asking my brother how men are supposed to act because "It's like I wasn't born with male instincts." I think I was 10 or so.

Does purposely trying to emulate typical male behaviour count?
What if I was just a weird kid?

You mentioned not hating being a guy, I feel the same way.
I feel it as being shapeless, colourless, and I have no affinity for it; but I'm not feeling desperately tormented by it.

What if you can find reasons both for and against actually being TS?
My thought was that even thinking of one reason is enough doubt to completely answer that as "no"?

Sorry if this counts as a thread hijack, but it was close to what I've been thinking about (read: non stop) for the past few days.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Anna, apologies in advance that this has become a bit long as I try to answer how I knew that I needed to transition.

I'm one of those who say you shouldn't transition unless you need to. I firmly believe that if you can find contentment without transition, then you should seize it with both hands and not let go.

Even in the sort of very accepting environment where I work, I know I am still seen as "that one who is transitioning".

Although I have discovered that I have more real friends than I realized, they still have difficulty understanding who I am and why I am doing this - but what makes them good friends is that they are prepared to stick by me even if it seems weird.

I have known for a long time that I was not meant to be a man, but for many years I managed to keep it under wraps so that there were sometimes even weeks where I did not think about it. Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago, I wanted to become a woman (which is silly because in reality I already was) but the artificial life I had created for myself as "the man to go to with a problem" seemed more fulfilling at the time than the prospect of becoming an ugly old woman. How did I know I would be ugly? Easy, I couldn't stand the sight of myself as a man, so I "knew" it would only be worse as a woman. At that time, I did not need to transition so I didn't.

Around 3 to 4 years ago, things started to get bad, I felt I was no longer functioning properly as "the man to go to", I didn't feel right with myself and I was losing sleep because of it. That started to affect my work and my social life was as close to zero as makes no difference. So I started to plan which would be the best way to end my life - but I struck a hitch in my plans, I had too much compassion for whoever would have to deal with the aftermath of my suicide, so I put it off.

Where I live, high voltage electricity is delivered to trains through a solid rail at ground level, bridge that to earth and it is quite quick. One night, I couldn't sleep so I decided to play hopscotch on the live rail, but the thought struck me that I might be able to cope by dressing so I went out and bought some women's clothes to try to shame myself out of the idea.

The shame didn't come, but I felt a sense of fulfilment in finally portraying as the person I had known myself to be for so many decades. Trouble is, it only helped me to cope for a very short period. I rapidly began to consider the times I was in drab as cross-dressing.When someone who wasn't supposed to know about all this remarked that I would be much more comfortable wearing a dress, my reaction was almost like physical pain that I couldn't do just that.

In a matter of weeks, I reached the point where I was almost physically sick every time I dressed up for another session of pretending to be a man and I was still struggling with the feeling of depression. This was when I knew that if I was to go on living, I had to be true to my real gender which meant the upheaval and potential to lose everything that goes with transition.

Since I started my RLE, the underlying depression has lifted and people who knew me before have described me variously as "flourishing", "prospering" and "a much nicer person than Robert".

This is just the edited highlights of why I needed to transition and how I knew. It doesn't make me any better than anyone else.

[Anna Lorree]

Hi Anna, apologies in advance that this has become a bit long as I try to answer how I knew that I needed to transition.

I'm one of those who say you shouldn't transition unless you need to. I firmly believe that if you can find contentment without transition, then you should seize it with both hands and not let go.

Even in the sort of very accepting environment where I work, I know I am still seen as "that one who is transitioning".

Although I have discovered that I have more real friends than I realized, they still have difficulty understanding who I am and why I am doing this - but what makes them good friends is that they are prepared to stick by me even if it seems weird.

I have known for a long time that I was not meant to be a man, but for many years I managed to keep it under wraps so that there were sometimes even weeks where I did not think about it. Somewhere around 7 or 8 years ago, I wanted to become a woman (which is silly because in reality I already was) but the artificial life I had created for myself as "the man to go to with a problem" seemed more fulfilling at the time than the prospect of becoming an ugly old woman. How did I know I would be ugly? Easy, I couldn't stand the sight of myself as a man, so I "knew" it would only be worse as a woman. At that time, I did not need to transition so I didn't.

Around 3 to 4 years ago, things started to get bad, I felt I was no longer functioning properly as "the man to go to", I didn't feel right with myself and I was losing sleep because of it. That started to affect my work and my social life was as close to zero as makes no difference. So I started to plan which would be the best way to end my life - but I struck a hitch in my plans, I had too much compassion for whoever would have to deal with the aftermath of my suicide, so I put it off.

Where I live, high voltage electricity is delivered to trains through a solid rail at ground level, bridge that to earth and it is quite quick. One night, I couldn't sleep so I decided to play hopscotch on the live rail, but the thought struck me that I might be able to cope by dressing so I went out and bought some women's clothes to try to shame myself out of the idea.

The shame didn't come, but I felt a sense of fulfilment in finally portraying as the person I had known myself to be for so many decades. Trouble is, it only helped me to cope for a very short period. I rapidly began to consider the times I was in drab as cross-dressing.When someone who wasn't supposed to know about all this remarked that I would be much more comfortable wearing a dress, my reaction was almost like physical pain that I couldn't do just that.

In a matter of weeks, I reached the point where I was almost physically sick every time I dressed up for another session of pretending to be a man and I was still struggling with the feeling of depression. This was when I knew that if I was to go on living, I had to be true to my real gender which meant the upheaval and potential to lose everything that goes with transition.

Since I started my RLE, the underlying depression has lifted and people who knew me before have described me variously as "flourishing", "prospering" and "a much nicer person than Robert".

This is just the edited highlights of why I needed to transition and how I knew. It doesn't make me any better than anyone else.

Thank you for your story, and as one of the people who has to go deal with the grisly remains of a suicide, thank you for not inflicting that on somebody. I have never known that to be a good answer. I have had to help remove the remains (often quite messy), and I have had to break the news to and console their loved ones who are left behind, hurt and wondering why.

Anna