Wife is slowly accepting

[Katecat]

Having told my wife I like to crossdress back in December, she has since taken a "don't show me/ I don't want to know" stance on the issue.

However, now she is starting to accept that CDing is a part of me and that it is hard for me to keep it bottled inside.

Since coming out to her she has gotten more curious about crossdressing.
I showed her a picture of what I looked like as "Kate". She was surprised and said I looked like a cute girl. :) yay a positive reaction.

We have been watching a few makeup videos together since I showed her my pic. She has even tolerated me putting on makeup with her. We joked and generally had a good time doing it. I even kissed her a few times with te makeup on.

However,when putting on makeup, she still has an air of uncomfortableness.
She keeps stating that I am "a man" and said "I don't know why you want to dress like a girl around me..." and "this while dressing like a girl thing isn't helping you seem more attractive"

I told her that it was a form of self expression. And that I feel like I am hiding a part of myself that needs to get out every once and a while.
She said that dressing up was "OK" but she "doesn't want me being a girl every weekend..walking around the house all day in girl clothes "
I still think this is somewhat of a progression to dressing with her.

I am just wondering if other CDs wih SOs had similar issues.
I suppose only time will tell how things will end up in the end.

[sissystephanie]

Kate,

The one thing you must always remember is that your wife married a man, not a lady! I told my wife before we married and we had almost 50 years together before cancer took her several years ago. I made sure that she always knew that I was her man no matter what clothes I had on.

Just never let her forget that you are her man, and she will love you!!

[Miss Lisa]

I came out to my wife almost 2yrs ago 2 weeks after I started dressing. Although she is accepting to a point (sometimes tells me to dress up for bed) she still has a similar approach as your SO did and that is don't tell don't ask. Throughout these past 2yrs the subject has been approached a number of times and her biggest hang up is that she feels like she has lost her husband. Still trying to get her to accept the fact I am still her husband whether I am dressed or not. She still refuses to see me dressed in day clothes although a lot of my drab clothes these days are as close to wearing female clothes as I can get. I still live in hope that one day her outlook will change. Very close friends of ours are coming to visit over Easter and although my best mate knows (he is the only one I have told) I am going to come out to his wife so that my wife can have someone else to talk about it with as she is probably the closest friend my wife has. The good thing is I know our friends won't judge me as they live an alternate lifestyle themselves. Wishing you the best with your endevours.

Lisa xxxx

[Jenniferathome]

I think those of us who have come out have faced some sort of "breaking in" period. This does not guarantee acceptance or even tolerance. The former being the holy grail, so to say. It's important to move at her pace, not yours. Talking is the only salvation here. She knows, that's great. Next time she is out for multiple hours, as her if she minds you dressing while she's away and leather know you'll be cleaned up before she returns. This accomplishes two things: open the dialog to which she can engage or not and reminds her that it is real and does happen but she does not have to see or participate. Don't ask, don't tell doesn't work. Always remember it's her pace but talking can't be off limits.

[Alice B]

Your wife is showing a positive attitude and that she is trying to learn and accept. The fact that you tried on make up together is very positive. There will be ups and downs, but as long as you do not shove it in her face things will continue to progress for you. It has taken 4 years for my wife to fully accept and now she does. At times I piushed the issue and that was the wrong thing to do, but now I'm in a good place. Assure your wife of your love for her and that you are still the man she loved. Just that you need to also let out the woman in you at times. Good luck.

[Katecat]

Thanks for the advice you girls :) I will try to not push her into accepting me. I I'll let her do it at her own pace.
I like the idea of opening the discussion with letting her know when I am dressing up when she is gone.

I will stop trying to push the issue at her. I know it's boiling up inside me. But I think she understands that after our discussion after our makeup session.

[stacey.eyes]

Kate, I can totally identify with everything you have described. I have been out to my wife for nearly two years now, and have seen her go from perturbed and put off, to accepting but not wanting anything to do with it, to encouraging me to go to a CD gathering and critiquing my makeup. (This latter stage just happened yesterday!) So change happens -- it just can be slow. When she looked at me yesterday for the first time as a girl, she said the same thing -- that I looked cute! So I can imagine how thrilled you were. I was just floating, and she commented later that in that moment, I had looked different -- "girly."

[kimdl93]

If anything your situation sounds better than many. I think you have to credit her for making a genuine effort. also, credit her for telling you her feelings. Its really important for her to be able to work the feelings out and to be reassured that you're not going to suddenly abandon her to pursue another life.

[Miriam-J]

Kate,

Sounds like you have a wonderful wife. You've received some real wisdom on this thread already, and I'm glad to see you're taking it to heart. I don't think I can add anything, but encourage you again to make sure you don't lose the man she married, and respect the time that it will take her to adjust. It's important to also reassure her of where you say it's going, and to help her to get past the stereotypes. As you know already, you're certainly not alone, and neither is she. When you're both ready, you might go together to a support group or a CD-sensitive therapist.

Miriam

[Barbara Ella]

I began cross dresing 6 months go, and came out to the wife in December, so she is still quite new to the idea. She has gone through ups and downs as she has supported me. Like she says, support but cannot accept. She has bought me makeup, gone dress shopping, and given me many of her outfits she no longer uses. She does worry that she has lost her man of 41 married years, so I must reassure her constantly. She accepts my dressing whenever the mood strikes, including makeup and wig. I try to do those when she is gone, but I will wear lipstick, slacks, skirts, blouse, forms and bra when we are together in the evenings, several nights a week. I just try to not act to womanly (too old to be girly) when doing it, which is difficult. At present she does not want me to dress in bed, and I respect that. In time I suspect it will come naturally. You have the right attitude. She loves you, and you dont need to push it right now. Keep her informed about all stages of your activities. Surprises are the downfall in her mental acceptance, which will be fluid. Dont ever get upset if she asks you to do or not do something. Talk about it and find out why. Odds are that in future she will accept it once again. Just take it one day at a time, and enjoy what you can do, and dont focus on what you cant do.

Babes

[Wonderwho]

I have been a closet CD for 50 years, I just came out to my wife of 26 years 2 weeks ago. She is accepting but with reserve at the moment. I was asked not to go overboard around the house when she is there. I got some more mellow sports tops with a bra included and some tights. Not panty hose. This weekend was the first time I have ever been dressed at all in front of anybody, there was a lot of stress for a while. I had a skirt, sports bra and top with low heel shoes. I was really stressed out,
I followed her guidelines with respect, she allowed me to start something that has been hidden forever.
This is new to her, i have had much to long to deal with it, she has had only 2 weeks. Respect is key.
Take your time, I am sure that if I had walked out in a long dress and heels the demons would have taken my soul.
Love and respect for what she is going thru will make your world the best.
Wonderwho

[JenniferR771]

Every cd has this problem. Give them an inch and they will take a mile. The wife is seldom told up front about how far it will go. No surprise that she is not comfortable with your rapid progression...to where she has no idea.

Would you be distressed if you found out your wife was actually a very clever transexual? Would you be upset if she became more and more manly every week?

Take it slow and respect her concerns. She didn't sign up for this.

[Cooljune59]

Thank you for that advice, I will take it!

[Jacqueline Winona]

Kate, your story is very familiar! My wife hasn't really progressed past the point of not wanting to know, but she did show a ton of interest in my Walk a Mile in Her Shoes outfit, coimmented that it was nice, then joked "I can't believe I'm talking about women's clothes with you." So long as I dress when neither her or the kids are around it isn't an issue. She is slowly, ever so slowly getting used to the idea, and i think she appreciates the fact that it does make me happier and really a better husband. We'll see if it goes any further.

[SusanQ]

You'll know that she is accepting that part of you when she starts suggesting things you might want to wear. My wife does that all the time for me. She shops a lot out of catalogues, and always asks me if there is anthing that I want in that catalogue before she completes an order.

It is just a matter of time, my friend...you've really surprised her, let her get used to it at her own pace.

[Katecat]

Glad to hear your confession to your wife is going well :) I am defiantely learning. But it is good to know that being slow and at et pace about Crossdressing is the best way to go about her "accepting" it.



I have been a closet CD for 50 years, I just came out to my wife of 26 years 2 weeks ago. She is accepting but with reserve at the moment. I was asked not to go overboard around the house when she is there. I got some more mellow sports tops with a bra included and some tights. Not panty hose. This weekend was the first time I have ever been dressed at all in front of anybody, there was a lot of stress for a while. I had a skirt, sports bra and top with low heel shoes. I was really stressed out,
I followed her guidelines with respect, she allowed me to start something that has been hidden forever.
This is new to her, i have had much to long to deal with it, she has had only 2 weeks. Respect is key.
Take your time, I am sure that if I had walked out in a long dress and heels the demons would have taken my soul.
Love and respect for what she is going thru will make your world the best.
Wonderwho

[Miss Lisa]

I definatly have to agree with the whole "go slow" comment. This is probably where I stuffed it more for myself. After I told me wife she did try and accept it but me being new to the whole thing saw this attempt of hers as being fine with it. 2 days later I came out in a skirt, panties and bra as I hadn't yet worn a skirt and I was excited. Needless to say she was not ready for that from me. Until then bra and panties were fine and then she withdrew from me and the acceptance I thought she had turned into her thoughts that she no longer has a husband. Lastnight she surprised me again with showing me a siky caftan in a catalogue that she wanted to buy me. There are 3 colors in this catalogue and she asked me to choose which one I would like her to get me. Well the one I chose was disregarded (a gorgeous pink floral one) but she will buy me the leopard patern one as she can cope with this one as it isn't "the typical female only colors) so I can see she is reaching out and trying to show me more acceptance again. Then proceeded to tell me when we move to our new house she will be fine buying me some sarongs to wear around the yard as people there don't know me yet and it wouldn't be too surprising if that's how they saw me getting around the yard from the beginning. Full acceptance??? No.... But she is definatly giving it a go and I am certainly not going to go like a little kid in a candy shop again. Wish I had heeded this advice when I started out. Oh how I love my wife.

Lisa xxxx

[wilt575]

Yes as has been said over and over go slow. If you do, it will happen as you said a progression to her dressing with you? my current wife is totally accepting of it. But months of baby steps, explained it almost as you did, now we go almost everywhere together as sisters or girl friends. As for clothes about ninty percent casual, very few suites or dressy dresses. One tip don't try to out dress her, thats trouble from word go ( learned hard way) just dress down a tiny bit. Second never have bigger breasts at least one cup down enhance hers if yours are real and can't be reduced. Happy trails to you gal.

[Aylineira]

What I did with my wife was not only go slowly but also ask for permission. Such that at first when I wanted to buy a new dress I would ask her to have a look at it and see if she was OK with me wearing it. If she felt like it was "too much" I wouldn't get it. Nowadays I still do that but now it's more of a fun thing for the two of us.

[Julie1123]

Katecat, thank you for this thread and thanks to everyone for replying. I've recently started crossdressing and told my girlfriend of 8 years about it pretty much as soon as I realized it was something I wanted to do. She has the tolerant but out of sight attitude many of you describe. We've talked a bit about it and have put in place reassurances that if feelings about it change we'll discuss it but other than that I've told her that I won't talk about it unless she brings it up. Hoping things will change over time but trying not to count on it.