Your opinion and advice.

[veronica52]

This could be a long post, but truly need your opinion and advice. First-my SO don't know i crossdress, I think ? I have been crossdressing for over 50yrs. , married for 37 yrs. My SO once found a pair of my thongs, but I manage to convince her they might be one of are boys girlfriend's (they stay over once and awhile) and might have left it behind. This was probably 4yrs ago. About 2 yrs ago she found my black thong, that I had washed but forgot to hide, she asked me if it was mind and I said yes and told her I was curious about the feel and how they felt on my body. She processed to cut them to pieces and nothing was said again. About 6 months ago my SO found a sack of my girly clothing in the basement where I thought she would never look and find them (wrong). In the sack was black mini skirt, black matching bra and thong, black pantyhose, black 3" sandals, black /white blouse and a pair of made up breasts (bird seed). She totally ripped and cut-up all of this clothing. Also in the sack was a pair of black legging, cami, pair of black flat shoes these items were not in the sack????? She is not my size. Since than she has not said one thing to me about the sack of my fem clothing . I have no idea what this means. She has not treated me really in different since she found and ripped my fem clothes up. What is your opinion and advice? I would appreicate any advice.

[Jacqueline Winona]

I'd say she does know, Veronica, her reaction is very clear about that. The question left are whether destroying your clothes is simply her way to try to repress your dressing or if she is trying to send a stronger message. I'm really sad to hear this. But it sounds like she will find your stash again and probably do the same thing. I don't know your situation enough to tell you whether this is the time to talk to her about CD, but I think you need to do it at some point.

[TGMarla]

She knows. Dang right she knows! She's probably not stupid, and you describe one incident on top of the next. She just chooses to ignore it, and doesn't want to discuss it with you. My advice? You have a choice: you can either talk to her about it, or you can do as she's doing and ignore it completely, and allow things to go on as they have. If you decide to come clean with her, you run the risk of either alienating her, or possibly earning her respect by being forthright with her. If you choose to allow thing to go on as they are now, then you run the risk of her finding more of your stashed belongings, and dealing with the possible consequences of that. Most here would expound the benefits of being honest with her. But only you know how you might expect her to react to such a disclosure.

[Laura912]

Time to talk to each other, but before you do, that will mean the cat is definitely out of the bag and could also get ripped to shreds. The cutting and ripping do not sound to hopeful because I think they represent anger. Now, to what is the anger directed? Is it the dressing, the not telling, what? You will need to think about that before proceeding. Maybe some open discussion about what crossdressing really is and how far you are going with it will help. The anger could be from fear that she will lose you. After all, 37 years of marriage is a long time and you have dealt with this a long time. It seems odd that it is only in the recent 4 years that you have slipped up. Is this a subconscious attempt to tell her? Best wishes for a good outcome. Could be a rocky road.
Laura

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

I would begin by apologizing for deceiving her, first of all...

What else could you have expected her to do? You've hidden something major from her for nearly forty years... The poor woman is probably too shocked and scared to broach that subject with you. How would you feel if you were in her shoes? She might be questioning whether she really knows you, but doesn't want to bring it up because she may be afraid of changing the terms of the relationship. So from her perspective, the fem clothes are an object representing deceit, and in that situation I would have ripped them up too.

My advice: come clean about it. Completely. Gradually if you need to, so that she can take it in bits and pieces...but you should relieve her of the notion that you are keeping something from her. Don't expect her to be accepting any time soon. And if she is not accepting, it may not even be because of her being offended by the notion of cross dressing, but because she may resent the activity since it has led you to keep a secret from her.

Disclaimer: I'm not married, so I may not be qualified for giving that advice, but just take it for what it's worth. :) Good luck to you!

[Karren H]

At least when my wife of 37 years found a few of my fem things I admitted "I like to crossdress". eah is wasn't pretty.... Lots of screaming and crying and carrying on.... She was pretty upset too..... Though I never lied to her... She still equates not telling with lying.... Your first mistake was not owning up when she found the thong the first time..... Now you've dug yourself into and even deeper hole... Unless she's really understanding which she doesn't sound like she is.... I'd prepare for the worse... So yeah... Better talk to her soon... But also talk to a divorce lawyer...

[JessHaust]

I would begin by apologizing for deceiving her, first of all...


My advice: come clean about it. Completely. Gradually if you need to, so that she can take it in bits and pieces...but you should relieve her of the notion that you are keeping something from her. Don't expect her to be accepting any time soon. And if she is not accepting, it may not even be because of her being offended by the notion of cross dressing, but because she may resent the activity since it has led you to keep a secret from her.


Agreed, and well said, even if you are not married.
The first issue you will have to resolve is how you thought it was a good idea to lie to someone you supposedly were best friends, lover and confident to for 37 years!

I just have to ask to all you out there keeping this from your SO, how do you justify lying to your spouse? Don't you realize that you are creating an additional problem besides the cross-dressing?

[veronica52]

Thanks so far for all the opinions and advice. I have no excuses for hiding my cding from SO. I know it is wrong. I guess since I own my own business, I am well known in my church operations and use to coach sports at high school level, I thought if she found out all heck could break out if she wanted to cause an uproar.If may family found out I don't know if they would except me for cding. Very conservative family. Just so confused, don't want to hurt or be hurt by this cding habit.

[kimdl93]

well, she obviously knows that your are a cross dresser. That's a given. And she's feeling very angry and hurt about it. And she probably has a bunch of deep seated prejudices and fears about cross dressers. So, for better or worse, you must communicate with her about this. Do some homework - learn about the typical questions and concerns of women who discover that their partner CDs, and then think long and hard about how to respond to each one. Then, once you have reasoned, honest answers these questions and concerns, try to start a conversation.

Its not likely to be an easy one to have. Her initial responses display a great deal of understandable anger. But you need to persist in trying to open communications, or prepare live in limbo for the remainder of your life.

[suzy1]

Does she know? Errr yes!

It is your property. You own them. And she shreds them?
I am fuming just reading this.
Now she knows it’s up to her if she wishes to talk about it but not act as if she owns you. If your marriage is so important that you can live that way then O.K.
If she spoke to you and said I don’t like this, will you get rid of your things that would be different.

I guess I just see it a different way to the others. But that is just how I am.

SUZY

[LeaP]

Does she know? Errr yes!

It is your property. You own them. And she shreds them?
I am fuming just reading this.
Now she knows it’s up to her if she wishes to talk about it but not act as if she owns you.
If your marriage is so important that you can live that way then O.K.

I guess I just see it a different way to the others. But that is just how I am.

SUZY

I glad someone else said it first! I had the same thought, but hesitated posting it. Here's why: Though I can extend my sympathy to your wife's presumed feelings, and by extension understand her reaction to a degree, still, she is treating you like a child. This is very controlling behavior. On your end, Veronica, I also understand the avoidance, but the situation has changed, you are acting out of fear, and that needs to stop. Time for an above the board discussion.

Lea

[Foxglove]

I'll go along with Suzy and Lea. This is a situation where two people need to talk, and neither is doing it. I can't give you advice on how to go about it, but it's hard for me to see how the situation is tolerable. I don't think I could tolerate it.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[sterling12]

Her not so subtle message to you: "I know that you wear women's clothing. I don't like it, and I'm going to show you that I disapprove by cutting up your femme clothes. I DON'T want to talk about this with you, or I would have!" (Actually, she already did, and you denied what she already knew or suspected.)

Now, you can choose to have a confrontation, but beware! Every message she has given you says, "Now, Don't go there." You take this action at your own peril!

It's often very tough to maintain The Status-Quo. We want to share, we want to tell. But, it not all about us! Others, like a spouse have a stake in an ongoing relationship, and they have a Right "Not to deal with things," if they so choose.

A possibly non-threatening halfway measure. Find a really good book, or a pamphlet about the subject, (No Raunchy Pictures...no sexual fantasies) and leave it somewhere where she can find it, and then it's her option. However, My Advise is to "leave it alone!" You start pushing her, and she's talking with her GF's, (which no doubt she is) you just might get served with papers.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Marleena]

I'll go along with Suzy and Lea. This is a situation where two people need to talk, and neither is doing it. I can't give you advice on how to go about it, but it's hard for me to see how the situation is tolerable. I don't think I could tolerate it.

Best wishes, Annabelle

Geez I'm not so sure about this one. The wife seems disgusted about it and angry. This one can't end well unless Veronica gives up CDing for her. They can try the couple therapy thing if the wife agrees but it doesn't look good.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Thanks so far for all the opinions and advice. I have no excuses for hiding my cding from SO. I know it is wrong. I guess since I own my own business, I am well known in my church operations and use to coach sports at high school level, I thought if she found out all heck could break out if she wanted to cause an uproar.If may family found out I don't know if they would except me for cding. Very conservative family. Just so confused, don't want to hurt or be hurt by this cding habit.

I'm in the same boat as far as having a very conservative, non-accepting family, and am also well-known at my church. I do not envy your situation at all... But please do not say to your wife that you feared her causing an uproar. Her immediate emotional reaction to that would likely be to interpret that as "I don't trust you enough," which will provoke an even stronger emotional response. There's really not a "good" answer I can think of, and a lot of landmines you could step on.

Thinking........ I could be wrong, but if it were me, I might start by putting the brakes on the "what if" train that's likely running in her mind. I'd start by telling her what I'm not, and then I'd tell her what I am. In my case, using my preferences, I'd be telling her that I am not gay, that I am not attracted to men, and that I am very much in love with my wife (you know, if I had one). I'd answer her questions of course... As someone stated above, a lot of people have certain conclusions they jump to about crossdressers, and that needs to be put aside, which is another reason this needs to come out in the open...so that she can know that you're still the man she married, just with a quirk that you never had the guts to fess up about.

I hope this helps. Praying for you.

[Foxglove]

Geez I'm not so sure about this one. The wife seems disgusted about it and angry. This one can't end well unless Veronica gives up CDing for her. They can try the couple therapy thing if the wife agrees but it doesn't look good.

I agree, Marleena, it doesn't look good at all. I'm just saying that I personally couldn't put up with the situation, and I'd definitely want to change it. I'll agree it's a sticky situation.

[Marleena]

I agree, Marleena, it doesn't look good at all. I'm just saying that I personally couldn't put up with the situation, and I'd definitely want to change it. I'll agree it's a sticky situation.

Yep...not sure Veronica should even attempt the talk here. It will be ugly.

[Miriam-J]

Each time I hear about one of these situations the thought keeps coming to me that there's far more wrong with this relationship than just a refusal to acknowledge/tolerate/accept. If there's real respect and love between two people, you can communicate about anything (though she may not want to participate). If not, it seems there's no relationship there anyway - just a couple people living in the same house. I've been there, and it's not easy to recognize and accept the harm you're doing one another, and to any children who may also be part of your household.

Veronica, I hope this isn't the case in your relationship, and that the reaction to your clothing is an anomaly in an otherwise loving and respectful relationship. But if it is, it's better to accept reality than to avoid it, and take appropriate action.

Miriam

[CINDYO]

2 people in love and about to become married, ie before the engagement should have enough love and respect for each other to be totally honest. It just may be the fair thing to do if real love exists between the two. Not after the marriage, before the engagement would be the time to tell. Just in case the wife might like to know, all about informed decisions. Where was the mutual love and respect at that time? speaking of love and respect and all.

[Alice B]

I think it is more than time to have the talk.

[Alice Torn]

I have never been good, at "having talks" with others. Never been married. I usually write a letter, as I write far better than speaking. Maybe a soul searching, heart felt letter, with admissions, and apologies, and like Bailey said, telling her you are not gay, or attracted to men, but, love womens clothes, and how part of you enjoys it. I am sure she will be screaming and carrying on, for some time, letting her anger and rage out. Like Marleena said, this may not end well, but, after the smoke has cleared, and a little time passes, maybe, just maybe, a truce can be reached. I don't envy you now.

[RiverdanceGirl]

Why is it okay in any way for Veronica's wife to cut up her clothes? That's a violent criminal act of bullying. IT IS WRONG. No matter what Veronica has kept from her wife, imagine if this were the other way around and a man cut up his wife's clothes. It would be all over the news about what an abuser he is. Even if a man's wife cheated on him, cutting up her clothes would be considered insane and intolerable. The fact that Veronica crossdresses does not make her an acceptable target for abuse. Has crossdressing been a pretty walk in the park for any of us? Have we faced prejudice and abuse? Yes we have and we struggle eveyday to deal with it. Let's not be facilitators for those who want to push us back into the 1950's.

[Bailey_in_Mansfield]

Because right now Veronica has bigger problems to worry about...? :-/

[RiverdanceGirl]

Agreed, but I think that aggression is not the solution in any situation. I don't envy Veronica's journey in the face of such adversity. And believe me, I had a long journey to acceptance so I know it's not easy. And this is not the first time I've heard of a wife being physically violent to a crossdressing husband. One of my CD friends has told me that his wife has ripped his pantyhose with her fingernails on numerous occasions and dug in so deep as to make his thighs bleed. He considers her a semi tolerant wife. I however do not consider such behaviour acceptable in any circumstance.

[jenna moe]

ok let me think, you say you have been a cd all your married life, (37 years) so why is it that now she finds your things?
you call it a "cding habit, you have to ask yourself, do you do it for the feeling (sexual) or because you feel like your a woman in a man"s body
how often do you dress? have you been waiting for a change like the kids to move out? or is it that she thought you might have had a g/f
and you were saving her things for her, after 6 month you still remember every thing that was in the bag? that must have been hard for you to watch and not say anything, i would have to say, you really need to just get it out in the open with her and let things go from there, after 37 years of living like that, you have never had the life you really wanted, now is the time to stand up and say to her, "this is the real me,' you might lose her, but in end it's what YOU really want in life, don't wait till it's to late say something, you need to be happy about your life and what you did with it in the end.....

[Etsy]

If you plan to continue crossdressing, I'd strongly suggest being straightforward about your wishes with your wife. Also, be prepared for an intense arguement. She may demand that you quit. I do not know your wife but she is probably very concerned when she thinks about your crossdressing and may need assurance about many difficult questions and fears. If she has some very serious worries that are unfounded, the truth may ease some of her concerns. It might not hurt for you to have her look at this forum to get a better idea about how many crossdressers behave and think; many people still think that crossdressing is more serious than just liking to dress in the feminine aesthetic.

Above all, she needs to know that you love her more than anyone and that you are not looking elsewhere for love. And she needs to know that you love her above all others even when you are dressed as a girl.

Talking about crossdressing with her may lead to a drawn out uncomfortable conversation that lasts a long time but I think the wedge driven by uncertainty might create more of a rift. If she can become assured that you can be the man she loves even with the crossdressing, then the issue should become a non-issue.

Just my thought on things. I hope it works out agreeable for both of you.

[Joanne f]

Your SO clearly knows that you like to dress and from the sound of it is also clearly having problems with it , whether this is due to lack of knowledge about it or just simply the complete distaste of it may be difficult to understand at the moment and the only way you will find that out is to try and talk to her about it but i have this feeling that is going to be difficult for her as well so that has to be approached very carefully, but you may have to accept that even though your SO knows about it she may wish to just try and blot it out as if it is just not there.

[veronica52]

Thank you for all your advice. Right now I am trying to decide what to do, I'm probably going to tell her about my cding. Right now life is good, but maybe it could get better, but again all heck could break loss, if you know what I mean. Thanks again for all the advice.

[Stephenie S]

OK. First the obvious.

Well DUH! Of COURSE she knows. And she also has informed you of what she thinks about it.

What to do? I haven't a clue. You've let this go for so long that it may be unfixable.

The time has long past where you could tell her you like to wear thongs. She found your stash. I wouldn't worry too much about your family. You have enough to worry about with just your wife.

You know, crossdressing is not that big a deal if you are holding up your end of the bargain in the bedroom and at work. Women are amazingly tolerant of their guy's weird habits as long as we have the security of knowing our men are MEN, and don't want to become gay.

I wish I had better advice, but you've really got yourself in a pickle here. Honesty may be the best policy.

S

[paulinescotlandcd]

Her not so subtle message to you: "I know that you wear women's clothing. I don't like it, and I'm going to show you that I disapprove by cutting up your femme clothes. I DON'T want to talk about this with you, or I would have!" (Actually, she already did, and you denied what she already knew or suspected.)

Now, you can choose to have a confrontation, but beware! Every message she has given you says, "Now, Don't go there." You take this action at your own peril!

It's often very tough to maintain The Status-Quo. We want to share, we want to tell. But, it not all about us! Others, like a spouse have a stake in an ongoing relationship, and they have a Right "Not to deal with things," if they so choose.

A possibly non-threatening halfway measure. Find a really good book, or a pamphlet about the subject, (No Raunchy Pictures...no sexual fantasies) and leave it somewhere where she can find it, and then it's her option. However, My Advise is to "leave it alone!" You start pushing her, and she's talking with her GF's, (which no doubt she is) you just might get served with papers.

Peace and Love, Joanie

I could not have put it better - you need to talk, sooner rather than later.

[Allsteamedup]

It is about the clothing!!


As a GG of your senior years I would like to offer an opinion.

Clothing serves two purposes mainly. One as utilitarian, suitable for the job, and secondly sexual as in enticement or for a cder, masturbation.

When the thong, a sexual item was found, you gave a stupid answer, you wanted to know what it felt like against the body.
There are male thongs (the French ones are well-fitting) but this was a female one. Now most cders don't wear thongs, they wear panties, so you had an opportunity to explain yourself and failed to do so. This told your wife that if ever she found anything else you would lie again.

She found your bag of clothes. Whenever a new SO comes on in UK I ask her to describe the clothes; their choice helps so much in knowing what to tell an SO new to all this. You are in your sixties and your bag contained a black mini skirt (suitable for a very young girl), matching underwear (completely unsuitable for beneath a mini-skirt), 'young' footwear.......everything black....(it could have contained a variety of useful underwear, a beautiful and patterned dress, stockings or hose......get the picture?)

This tells your wife that you have a fixation with young girls' clothes. That sounds like dangerous ground in a man your age. You bought these clothes without any shame. This does not translate as cding for the unititiated. This says 'You really should be worried about this man.'

This woman has stood by your side for 37 years. In all that time you have deceived her, even when she gave you an opportunity to explain. You owe her big time.

And the anger? Think of all the times you stopped her freedom of expression because it did not fit in with your Church/social work life. She saw that thong and was reminded of your lack of interest in the bedroom, which you were happy to reserve for yourself. And any simple explanation of cding was scotched by an inappropriate interest in young girls' clothes.

If that thong had been found after you had made her the most sumptuous lingerie gift....and the bag of clothing contained age appropriate clothing......and everything in the bedroom was fine......you wouldn't be where you are now.

Like many on here your problem is not a non-accepting wife but you own poor relationship skills.

Trying to explain your cding is not so much a problem as trying to convince your wife that your interest in girls your grand-daughters' age is not with criminal intent. The hurt and devastation to trust your disclosure will cause will make your wife's use of scissors look but a trifle. I can only wish you the patience and commitment needed to repair all this.