Why do I even bother?

[Anne2345]

I am tired of being me. I hurt, I am in pain, I do not know up from down, I am despondent, and I see no end in sight.

I am obsessed with gender. I think about it every hour of the day, every day of the week. My thoughts are relentless in their continued assault.

I want to run away from life and not look back. I want to hide from myself. I want to deny myself. I just want it to all go away. I want it to end. I want to be somebody else.

Waking up in the morning is difficult. Getting out of bed and meeting the new day takes extraordinary effort. I look forward to very little. I take joy in less.

I submit post after post after post on this forum, seemingly running around in circles. Have I gained ground? Have I made strides? Do I even know which direction I am going? Why do I even bother?

I need a break from myself. I need a break from thought and emotion. I need a break from the world. I need a break from life.

I am tired of being me. Would that I could go to sleep deeply, soundly, comfortably, and just dream myself away . . . .

[AllieSF]

You are doing fine, just having too many ups and downs. As an innocent third party observer out here in this vast cyber world, I see a lot of people here just like or very similar to you. Your threads go from depression to elation. The elation coming after a few positive steps forward. That is not forward top becoming a woman but forward to better understanding who you are. My only recommendation is that if you are not seeing a therapist, than do so. These extreme variations will not diminish overnight. They will take time, conversations, listening, thinking and accepting. Good luck and please try to realize that you will not resolve all your issues, which probably include some emotional and personality ones that, believe it or not, have noting to do with being transgendered. Good luck and keep asking for help, that is always a good sign that you are still alive and sane enough to get it down in writing! Hugs

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have progressed a great deal since you started writing about a closet
...I wrote here for many years before i seriously exploring what it was all about...

you went out, you've explored groups..you've talked to your wife..you have made HUGE strides...
no one can tell you its too fast or slow..its up to you...you are doing much better than you think from an outside perspective.

If you feel this bad on the inside, that's data.

I am sure you've read the stories...over and over (and over)...people fight and fight until there is no fight left...
i can only speculate its shame or guilt or whatever...buts its so common in folks that invest in a male life...

Is it more insane to fight something that you know is true, or accept something that seems absolutely impossible?

[Marleena]

Annne, I agree with Kaitlyn and Allie. It is a huge struggle but you are making headway. Continue your therapy and group meeetings. Try to take your mind off things by doing things that make you happy. Stay strong.:)

[Elizabeth Ann]

Anne,

For a little diversion and commiseration, take a look at Robert Penn Warren's great masterpiece "All the King's Men." In it, the narrator has periods in his life that he calls "the great sleep." It is just what you describe. When the turmoil of his life leads to an inevitable dramatic turning point, he enters the Great Sleep. Then he wakes up, and turns a corner in life. There is a corner out there waiting for you. You'll find it when you are ready.

Liz

Oh, ps: you have to get the book. This is not in the movie.

[Kristyn Hill]

I hate you are hurting. you just want to be yourself and something is holding you back. hopefully, everything will work itself out like it is supposed to.

[Laurie Ann]

Anne everyone here feels your pain. The view from inside seems daunting and unattainable but with continued belief in what is right for you the light at the end of the tunnel appears. I have felt like you but I have been counciled by many others to continue to move to your dream. I wish you the best of luck.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Anne,

Have you ever thought that once you stop struggling against everything you are only to be something your not that most of your angst, panic, pain and anxiety will disappear?

I know that your personality is dictated more by logical black and white thinking and it's because of this that much of your problem is caused by this mode of thinking.
Trans issues stem from a place within you that cannot, despite your best efforts to dissect and analyze cannot be viewed and dealt with in such a fashion.
Trans women that are left brain thinkers like those in the careers of engineering, mathematics, accounting ,etc historically have a notably more difficult time attempting to understand and deal with the internal storm of feelings created by trans issues.
Because of the difficulty in dealing with those feelings internally outward problems arise in family, work and social situations.

Anne, you must learn to dissect your trans issues and analyze them in order to understand how to work with them because they will never leave your side.
You must approach these problems from your heart and soul where they exist, not from the left side of your brain where they do not.

Hang in their sis.


Julia

[Aprilrain]

I am obsessed with gender. I think about it every hour of the day, every day of the week. My thoughts are relentless in their continued assault. .

It is an assault because you fight it! I think about gender every hour of everyday but it no longer makes me miserable. Seeing my body changing has helped, living in my true gender has helped, TIME has helped but only because I have moved in a direction. I had no Idea, and seriously doubted, If this was going to work but trying it was better than the alternative.

[Kerstin]

I think it's possible to indulge in too much self analysis. You can end up questioning yourself so much that a sort of psychological paralysis sets in, and you end up in some limbo where nothing is resolved because you continue to question your own conclusions. Not to say that transgender issues are always simple of course; often they're anything but. Just don't drive yourself mad with a million questions when deep down you probably already know the answers.

[LeaP]

I've been laughing a lot lately as certain realizations hit - mostly out of irony. One of those is perhaps to the point of what you're experiencing. It is that you die psychologically no matter what you do, one way or another. These are death throes much more than they are a struggle for understanding. Why? Because the focus of the pain is on what you have and what you built before you realized who you are. You now *know* what you are. It will burn out. In fact, this is a flare-up. You had moments when things have improved, too.

Volatility isn't fun. (personal testimony)

Now take this with the best of intentions: "just breathe".

Lea

[kimdl93]

I think it's possible to indulge in too much self analysis. You can end up questioning yourself so much that a sort of psychological paralysis sets in, and you end up in some limbo where nothing is resolved because you continue to question your own conclusions. Not to say that transgender issues are always simple of course; often they're anything but. Just don't drive yourself mad with a million questions when deep down you probably already know the answers.

I think the term my psychologist used was rumination. Being a bit OCD as well as CD, I worked every detail to death in my head and in writing. Its a form of controlling behavior in the sense that one believes that if one thinks hard enough long enough that an answer will present itself. Perhaps its that left brain aspect Julia mentioned. In any case, part of the turmoil and frustration certainly is rooted in ceaseless, futile ruminations.

That escape from yourself could be found if you can escape from the unrelenting effort of trying to deduce a satisfactory answer. It may not come to you that way. It may come if you allow, or force, yourself to disengage your trained, analytical mind...and just live in the moment for a while. Like the way the DNA molecule revealed itself, not during deliberate thought, but in a dream.

[Becoming Brianna]

I am young and am only beginning to explore my own trans issues so I lack very much in the experience department, but I feel that I can certainly understand your feelings... I completely understand where you are coming from, Anne as I have experienced something very similar as I have been exploring this topic... I think about it all the time and it gets me nowhere... I think and I think I imagine scenario after scenario and nothing brings me any answers or anything remotely resembling inner peace... I often have to go take walks or have a few drinks or do other things just to "get out of my head" for awhile... Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it doesn't, but the phenomenon known as "analysis paralysis" is very real and is absolutely no fun... I remember having a very similar feeling to yours recently while I was taking a nature walk near the lake a few miles from my home... I just wanted to fade away... Not necessarily to die, but to fade away and become part of the landscape my spirit carried on the wind or by the water... My essence surviving but my body being left somewhere in the sands... I wanted to emulate the placid calm of the water gently undulating I wanted my soul to possess that quality... That stillness, that calmness, that... peace... I am still learning how to properly break everything down and analyze as Julia has suggested but for now I think it best to find whatever it is that you can take joy in and to do that... For me a good basketball game usually works, but for you it may be something different... But most importantly keep your head up and don't despair... I believe that the right answers come to all eventually... I think that it may be best for you to not worry so much about "progress" or "making strides" or setting benchmarks and just be... I am sorry you are hurting so much and I hope that you will find peace and comfort soon...

[Kirsty_D]

For me the pain significantly subsided when I just accepted who I was. About 4 weeks ago it hit me, I really am a woman trapped in a man's body!

From that point on the pain of gender issues, the static inside my head, the bursting desire to dress and express myself as a woman have gone, I gave up fighting the issue and the pain of fighting left me. Since then it's just baby steps but all in the same direction. I have no embarrassment about shopping for clothes for myself, even trying on the clothes in the female dressing rooms, I've bought make up for my self, I openly said the lip stick etc… was for me. Last night I went out to visit some relatives and introduce them to Kirsty. Not the slightest hint of self doubt or embarrassment, just totally comfortable with who I am.

I feel for you, as we all do but give up the fight and most of your pain will go away.


EDIT, or as an alternative option you could do what I did for nearly 20 years… drink at least 2 bottles of whisky a week, wash it down with a couple of cases of beer and maybe at the weekend add in a bottle of Bacardi 151 for good measure. The pain goes away but so does most of your life...

[KellyJameson]

When I first watched the movie the Matrix I thought "wow that is alot like how I feel about my gender confusion" my conscious believes I am a male and biologically that is true but for some reason the other 90% of my brain lives otherwise experienced as some form of extreme sensitivity and non-aggresion which really is not feminine but something else that would be better expressed in female form, the sensitivity makes me want to have a female body because it is safer and allows better expression of my innate tendencies so for me it becomes a question of survival.

Neo thought his reality was real only to discover it was created by someone else and so to discover the truth risked it all and gave up his comfortable existence for a pain filled brutal life of truth. In my opinion he chose correctly.

To live this way it is crucial we learn to manage our own minds or they will destroy us.
One way is balance, If you are going to focus on the negatives than for each negative a positive must be placed on the opposing side of the scale so you do not tip into depression.

When you are thinking about what you do not have also think about what you do.

Do not compare yourself to others thinking they are better than you, more successful, more "normal" or"Fill in the blank", this is deadly to your peace of mind. There is only one of you and it is impossible for you to be someone else so comparisions are not possible and in all likelihood your esteem of others is misplaced or distorted.

An extremely sensitive mind comes with gender dysporia in my opinion so reading about the traits and coping skills of HSP (highly sensitive people) is important. It is estimated that 10 to 20% percent of the population is this way and I bet a disproportionate amount are transgendered. In my opinion the gender dysporia is only one piece of a larger puzzle.

I think Lea is correct, the world is not constructed to know what to do with people like us so what we are given to build with will not be suitable to fullfill the deepest needs of our minds and souls. We are vistors from somewhere else trying to survive in a hostile environment, we look like everyone else but we are not.

Imagine you live in a world where what everyone calls pleasure is pain for you and what everyone calls pain is pleasure for you, this is at least the way I have experienced the world until I stepped back and saw the problem clearly.

[Inna]

No hon! not a single second is wasted, not a single emotion gone without reflection! This is how the gates are opened, yep, you know it, those gates! If you think this is painful just wait when the doors swing open and flood your entire being with, no-longer a need, but necessity! But the same, this is the most wonderful pain there is, pain of birth, shedding all mindless wisdom we tool, to stand naked for the first time again, and allow and give your self to the inevitable. I know you will suffer, walk through burning fires of resentment, guilt, rejection, confusion, but at the other side, wholeness is calling your name, awaiting, promising, where finally you shall open your eyes and see the wonders this place has to offer, illusive right now but inevitably real there.

[Jamie Dawn]

Hi Anne2345, Please let me give you my take on this subject.

I am 44 years of age and have fought this ever since I was 9 years of age, the thoughts of who I was were in constant conflict with what the world wanted me to be. I was misserable!

I started hormones 7 weeks ago, now life has not always been great since I started them, lots of ups and downs, questions like, "do I really want to do this?(YES)'' " what will people think?(WHO CARES)" "what will my family do?(accept me I hope)" " will I pass as a woman?( to my suprise I pass very very well).

But with all of the questions that I have and sometimes they do get me quite depressed, I keep remembering that if I put the happyness of my life on a 1-10 scale I would have to say that up until I started acceping myself I was never happer than a 5 on my scale. That includes everything that has happened to me in my life up to this point. I also have to say that alot of times I was alot lower on the scale.

But once I accepted myself and started hormones and living my life the way I should have been born my happyness JUMPED to a 9 on my scale. But I have hit a 1 a few times as well, but I have to remember that until I persued this path I NEVER went higher than a 5! Now I keep hitting 9's!

You need to accept who you are!

No, life won't always be sunshine and roses, but you will be happer than you have ever been before in your life! I know I am.

Keep your chin up! And best of luck.
Love,
Jamie Dawn

[Katelyn B]

Anne,

I have to agree with everyone else, you need to stop thinking so much and start doing. I can be just like you, over analyse everything to death, posit every situation and scenario and argue everything from both sides, but all that achieves is a state of innertia, I end up where I as before, when I was self deluded and in denial not, trapped in a limbo like existence, except now its worse because you know how to get out and know there are others who have gotten out, and you then start convincing yourself that those people are special in some way, in a way that you aren't.

The truth is there are no answers to your questions that will come from inside your head, every "good" answer has an equally "bad" one and you argue yourself to a standstill. I've found the only answers come from doing, from the feelings and validation of embracing who you are and moving towards making the changes you need. And even of you try them and find they aren't what you want then you still have a positive answer.

Katie

[Bree-asaurus]

Anne, I think you just need a good, loving slap in the face :D

WAKE UP WOMAN! YOU'RE BURYING YOURSELF IN THESE QUESTIONS AND FEARS!

[Elizabeth Ann]

Anne,

I am going to have differ slightly with the others here. I would never tell anyone that they were over thinking or over analyzing something, but perhaps you could benefit from a different approach. Are you familiar with the concept of praxis? It is an ancient word, and over the millennia it has been used many ways, but essentially it is the synthesis of thought and action. In this case, the relevant concept might be that theory and practice inform each other, and that one without the other is pointless. Kant and others would sometimes argue that when faced with an unknowable contradiction, that a cycle of action and reflection can bring understanding.

Do not, Anne, be engaged in thoughtless or unexamined action. How can you know where it will lead you? But take heart that action can help to bring understanding.

Praxis is a concept I have not thought about for a long time, too long actually. Thank you for reminding me of it.

Liz

[Anna Lorree]

Wow, I could have written your post. I have a therapy session in an hour, and this was how I was going to open it. I'm tired of being split between two genders, I am tired of being male and yet feeling female or at least feminine. I am tired of this consuming my time. I am tired of having to hide things from people. I am tired of having to be challenged all the time to keep trying to figure things out. I am 39, I should know who I am by now. Right now, I just don't even want to care. Right now, I feel your pain...

Anna

[Ari333]

or maybe you just need a hug. I've been there, at the doorstep to transitioning, and nothing else seemed to matter. I didn't cross that line because I wasn't ready to start a whole new life, so many things one has to consider. but, the bottom line is YOUR happiness, and it sounds like you need to form some type of game plan towards achieving it. this is no time for sleeping. and be nicer to yourself, I've found strength and confidence in my femme side that I never developed as a male!

[elizabethamy]

it's easy for others to say that you should stop overthinking, get out of your head, etc. i have lived most of my life in my head, and while it sounds good to just zen out somehow and let the insights come, i'm not wired that way and i'd rather just keep overthinking. your process is your process, anne. being miserable is part of my current situation as well, and even when it's 70 and sunny, i can't just take a walk in the woods and make it stop. it is what it is. embrace it, with all my good wishes. be safe and well, my friend.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

yep.

Gender dysphoria sucks.

[Anna Lorree]

yep.

Gender dysphoria sucks.

So is that what this is, "officially"?

Anna

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Hi Anne! I was expecting a post like this, and I'm glad it came sooner rather than later.



I am tired of being me. I hurt, I am in pain, I do not know up from down, I am despondent, and I see no end in sight.

Been there, done that. Really. Same feelings, still have them, but they are less strong and I can handle them for the most part now, so I don't cry so much.


I am obsessed with gender. I think about it every hour of the day, every day of the week. My thoughts are relentless in their continued assault.

Personally I don't think it's wrong to think about gender, being us. The important thing in my opinoin is how much "priority and resources" it takes in your mental computer. If it's "foregrounded, that's not so good, but if it's a background daemon, that's different.


Waking up in the morning is difficult. Getting out of bed and meeting the new day takes extraordinary effort. I look forward to very little. I take joy in less.

Uh oh, that sounds like near-depression to me, have you talked with your counselor/therapist about this. Have they seen your writings? If not, I think they should.


I submit post after post after post on this forum, seemingly running around in circles.

I noticed that, and if you hadn't have brought it up in this post, I would have eventually mentioned that you were becoming repetitive, saying the same thing in slightly different ways, which I considered an avoidance technique. You're using your words as a means of avoidance, I think. It's time for less writing and more doing. Though:


Have I gained ground? Have I made strides? Do I even know which direction I am going? Why do I even bother?

Yes you HAVE gained ground. You've been to a support group, that's a BIG step isn't it. You've been out in public, you've told your wife, you're talking to a counselor, all good things, important things and most certainly strides. Instead of focusing so much on the writing and feeling, focus more on what you have done, which is VERY commendable, and what you can do.


I am tired of being me. Would that I could go to sleep deeply, soundly, comfortably, and just dream myself [I]away . . . .

I don't like the sounds of those words, that's your depression talking. Don't let despair get it's claws into you. Please, if you do no other thing, show your writings, including this thread (print out the whole thing) and show them to your counselor.


You are doing fine, just having too many ups and downs. As an innocent third party observer out here in this vast cyber world, I see a lot of people here just like or very similar to you. Your threads go from depression to elation.

Indeed, many of us have had very similar experiences to Anne's


Have you ever thought that once you stop struggling against everything you are only to be something your not that most of your angst, panic, pain and anxiety will disappear?

Well, yes. But I don't think she feelsready for that yet, which is why I think she's using her ruminating and writing as an avoidance maneuver. Sure she should stop fighting, a lot of us should, but it's hard.


Trans issues stem from a place within you that cannot, despite your best efforts to dissect and analyze cannot be viewed and dealt with in such a fashion.

Excellent.


I think it's possible to indulge in too much self analysis. You can end up questioning yourself so much that a sort of psychological paralysis sets in, and you end up in some limbo where nothing is resolved because you continue to question your own conclusions.

Exactly! Though in part the analysis is by subconscious intent as an avoidance maneuver, I think.


Just don't drive yourself mad with a million questions when deep down you probably already know the answers.

That's right, Anne, you know the answers and what you should be doing. You're doing some of it already so that's a good start.


Anne,

I have to agree with everyone else, you need to stop thinking so much and start doing.

Less Talk, More Action, which I also said last month. :-)



Anne, I think you just need a good, loving slap in the face :D

WAKE UP WOMAN! YOU'RE BURYING YOURSELF IN THESE QUESTIONS AND FEARS!

Indeed! Snap out of it WOMAN! My online friends at "the other place" had to do the same thing to me.


Veronica

[Bree-asaurus]

And we can tell you to snap out of it, but Anne, YOU are the only one that can make the realization that you do indeed need to snap out of it. You have to find it in yourself to say "OH @#$% IT!" in the face of all your fears and all your questions.

It all comes down to YOU and what YOU can do about it.


Indeed! Snap out of it WOMAN! My online friends at "the other place" had to do the same thing to me.

[Anne2345]

I really appreciate all of the responses. There is much for me to take away from all of the wisdom, kindness, comfort, education, and love within this forum. Indeed, I do not know what I would do without you all . . . .

And as some have pointed out, given where I was, I actually have made strides and progress. I see and understand this now. It is not always easy to acknowledge, believe, or recognize, but it's there. Of course, nothing about this is easy, but I digress . . . . :straightface:


Anne, I think you just need a good, loving slap in the face :D

Anyone and everyone, please feel free to step up to the plate! Sometimes it requires drastic measures to get through my thick skull!

[sandra-leigh]

Trans women that are left brain thinkers like those in the careers of engineering, mathematics, accounting ,etc historically have a notably more difficult time attempting to understand and deal with the internal storm of feelings created by trans issues. [...]

You must approach these problems from your heart and soul where they exist, not from the left side of your brain where they do not.


Heavens knows I fought the battles in my left brain for a long time, always wanting evidence and "proof" that I was transgendered or not. The internal fighting plain didn't work, other than to cause me angst.

Finally there was one day when I quite flippantly said to myself that something about cross-dressers did not apply to me because I was transgendered, and in that moment everything just rolled right through me and I said, "I am, I am transgendered!", and I knew it to be the truth. A Revelation, one might perhaps say. I didn't know before and then suddenly I did know and I didn't need all those arguments and proofs anymore.

There have been a few times in my life where I had been debating something or other important and couldn't decide rationally one way or the other, and logic had the edge on one of the choices, but I have "gone with my gut feeling" of the other choice even though it seemed like the less advantageous choice. Those "gut feelings" turned out to be very important in the long run, and I believe firmly that each of them has turned out to be the choice that was better for me, usually in ways I could never have anticipated.

"gut feelings" can be "intuition". What is "intuition"? Some describe it as something semi-mystical, but some describe it in terms of processing data that you didn't even know you knew. My heavily technological work? In truth, I use an awful lot of "intuition" with it. Knowledge is too slow :D I go right to the problem and then apply my knowledge to double-check.

Until, that is, I get to something non-technical. Then I fight and fight myself until I give in to my intuition.



Well, yes. But I don't think she feels ready for that yet, which is why I think she's using her ruminating and writing as an avoidance maneuver. Sure she should stop fighting, a lot of us should, but it's hard.

Yep, for sure. For example, HRT had been (at least theoretically) an option for me for a couple of years, but I needed the internal struggle to get to the point of being ready to think about it. If, 6 months earlier, my therapist had said, "Why don't you let me write you an HRT recommendation letter and you give HRT a try?", I know I would have said NO. The part of me that needed HRT had not come even vaguely close to convincing my left brain; it took an emotional experience with spontaneous hormones for me to be able to admit matters to myself.

[cindi cinnamon]

Anne.... hang in there, follow your heart and never give up hope.

The heart wants, what the heart wants...... To deny ones wants, needs, desires, etc., just seems to be a recipe for unhappiness.

We're all so lucky that technology has provided a place like this, where we can gather and support one another.

I'll be thinkin' about ya and pullin' for ya too!

[suzy1]

I really appreciate all of the responses. There is much for me to take away from all of the wisdom, kindness, comfort, education, and love within this forum. Indeed, I do not know what I would do without you all . . . .

And as some have pointed out, given where I was, I actually have made strides and progress. I see and understand this now. It is not always easy to acknowledge, believe, or recognize, but it's there. Of course, nothing about this is easy, but I digress . . . . :straightface:



Anyone and everyone, please feel free to step up to the plate! Sometimes it requires drastic measures to get through my thick skull!

You want drastic measures? You know what that means Anne!
I have got the ticket and I am coming over there. You need some tough love girl not a lot of complicated stuff that takes two hours to read through.

A good slap cures nonsense like this.:eek:
Life is to short!

SUZY :love: