Does anyone have similar experiences to me? Am I a transsexual or crossdresser?

[mist]

Hi everyone. I've been thinking about what I am for years and it's tearing me apart. There's hundreds of things I could write but I tried to keep it short. Please, any advice at all would be extremely helpful.

Childhood:
As a child I slept in my mom's nightgowns almost every night and wished to wakeup as a girl
But in school I was one of the boys, and don't really remember feeling like a girl in a boy's body.
My father was a hypermasculine figure, and hammered on manerisms, speech, hobbies, thoughts, etc.

Teenage years :
Dressing became sexual when I was 12.
My sexual fantasies were either being forced to crossdress / forced into a sex change by girls I found attractive.
I planned to get a sex change after graduating from high school, but later decided not for my family
To get a feminine body I tried alcohol, starving myself, eating these "woman nutrition" chocolates my mom ate (I thought related to hormones).
One of the most depressing memories was when I saw pictures myself crossdressed around the age 16. My shoulders/muscles became larger and my face looked so masculine. I realized I could not pass as a girl
I acted hypermasculine throughout high school

Now in college:
Forced feminization fantasies have decreased since I started going out and living as a girl, but still exist (especially during periods when I don't crossdress). These thoughts were completely gone when I was dating someone who treated me as female
I feel like a girl in a boy's body
I would absolutely NEED my SO to view me as a girl
Maybe if marry someone who completely views +treats me as a woman, then hormones or ffs wouldn't be necessary?
I do enjoy being a guy sometimes
I have a hard time imagining being female in front of my family (parents, siblings)

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hello and welcome to the forum. :)

It's not uncommon to have some sexual fantasy wrapped into very serious feelings of gender dysphoria.

What that being said you cannot rely upon or use sexual fantasy to cloud your judgement in assessing who and what you are.

I transitioned to avoid suicide but there were times even for me that I enjoyed my male personae.
You have presented as someone with a pathology of past cross dressing that resulted in short term satisfaction followed by extreme frustration yes?

Do not think for now how you would present in front of family and friends.
You are at step one where that is somewhere in the future if ever.

You need to seek out therapy in which to sort this out regardless as to whether or not the therapist is versed in gender issues.

Within your post you had mentioned at least twice the need for acceptance by others.

Perhaps if you have garnered this acceptance your feelings would be mitigated by cross dressing.

The bottom line here is first self acceptance. The only way your going to get that is to locate and obtain competent advice from a therapist.

We are here for you.


Julia

[Kirsty_D]

Your story sounds similar to mine and probably most girls on this forum. Julia's right in that self acceptance is the first most important step, second would be to seek the help of a therapist.

In my short time on this forum I've received a lot of help and support so your in the right place.

[wanagione]

My story is similar, I knew at a young age I should have been a girl. I did the hypermasculine things too. I got married though. Would I again, hmmmm. If I was in college at age 21 today i don't think i would. My advice is to go see a therapist to help you sort it all out.. And welcome to this forum.

[Jorja]

Welcome to the forum, Mist.
While fantasy can be stimulating,fun, and even good for you, what you need now is to separate fantasy from reality. You need to learn what your true feelings and desires are toward transition. I urge you to locate a therapist with experience with "transgender/transsexual" issues to help you do this. I also would recommend locating a "trans" support group near you. You need to know up front that the road to transition is full of pitfalls, and roadblocks. It is not easy but if it is what you really want and need, you will see it through and survive to be the woman you are.

I wish you all the best in this endeavor

[Aprilrain]

wow great reply's so far! the only thing I will add is don't let the sex stuff shame you out of finding out who you truly are. Also there was a time I could not have imagined my parents knowing about me. They were the last to know because I needed to be sure and also very comfortable in my presentation before I was ready for them to see me. I'd been out and presenting as a female almost everywhere for about 8 months before I even told them anything.

[Chari]

First, Welcome here to this very friendly and helpful forum! Your situation and feelings are like many others. No matter where we are on the gender scale, you have to be comfortable and confident with yourself and your feelings, which is why I agree with previous posts, you must contact a gender therapist ASAP to help you find who you really are to enjoy your life. Take one small step at a time, and please keep us posted as to your progress.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yes ...me too..

Frankly my sexual fantasies were the primary factor in believing that i must be a crossdresser...i don't have forced femme fantasies but all of our sexuality is different..

I also planned to go to college as a girl, then i planned to leave college, change my name and live as a woman..then i planned to to quit my job and go back to school as a woman....and these plans DOMINATED my inner dialogue...it was all i thought about when on my own... without stratomatic baseball in high school to keep my mind off it, i would have gone crazy.

I took daily baths where i closed my eyes and imagined the water was making me a woman....and of course i dressed constantly, including going to bed in gowns and dresses (with my brother in the bed next to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL)


So you have some work to do...your statement is a very concise and thoughtful statement about your life.,and because of it, i believe you have already done alot of the self introspection torture that is neccessary to figure things out..

you either read the book on being transsexual and copied it (heh..i have a big grin as i type..i'm sure you didnt!!), or you are transsexual because pretty much everything you said aligns with a big group of transsexuals that have it hit them between the eyes at some point.

There is a huge difference in how we handle things.. transition and living as a female is a different thing than admitting to yourself you are a woman...so getting yourself to feel good about yourself is job 1.

That means the next step for you is self acceptance.. As you know, its difficult.....plus you correctly point out that there are practical realities to how you feel about things right now

I found that i could do two things at once in my life (i was 45 so i felt more urgency perhaps)

..given you are functioning as a guy, one thing to consider is to more seriously plan out "changing " into a girl... that's what i did, including electrolysis, ffs, srs, negotiating my job situation to save the $$ to pay for it..see what i'm saying??
transition is really really hard...doing it well can help alot...

by planning for it and executing on your plan, you can keep yourself in a more positive and constructive place, and see what happens in your life, there is no law that forces you to transition, but putting a plan into action can protect you against a more devastating realization in your future

[Inna]

sounds A CLASSIC CASE girl! Get to therapy before you get to major depression, there I am sure it will be a short evaluation and an appropriate recommendation!