Just Wish I could Fade Away...

[Becoming Brianna]

I really just wish that I could fade away... Just go away somewhere where no one knows me and no one cares I exist... Somewhere where my body has been discarded and my essence remains floating, peaceful, calm, free... I don't just need to get out of my own head, I need to get away from myself... My desire to express the real me has become so strong that despite a productive therapy session after which I felt temporarily calm I have been thrown back into discord... I told my mother (again) that I am not certain how much longer I can go without doing something substantial to start me down the path to realization and self-acceptance... She told me that she and my father are "simply not behind me doing anything big at this time" and she implored me again to just finish out my college time and get my degree... Her advice is true, sound, and prudent but it is getting harder and harder for me to follow it... She gave me a choice between exploring these issues and studying abroad (something I've long wanted to do in order to enhance my professional resume) and I am now facing a difficult crossroads: continue living this way to enhance my resume or pursue a more authentic but perhaps less professionally fruitful life... I nearly started crying... If the conversation had lasted much longer I probably would have... I just don't know what to do... I've worked so hard to get this far... I wish I could just fade away...

[kimdl93]

One of the mistaken beliefs that your therapist may have warned you about is called "black and white thinking". Basically, this is looking at a situation and only seeing two polar opposite choices... black and white, good and bad, all or nothing, with us or against us, studying abroad or exploring a more authentic but less professionally fruitful life. There's at least one more option: Go along with your mother's advice to enhance your resume and gain a marvelous set of life expereinces, and use some of your time abroad to live more authentically. Yes, its a measure of compromise, but life is about choices and compromises. And despite what you may have heard, compromise isn't a bad thing, nor does making a compromise today deny you a full range of options tomorrow.

[Bree-asaurus]

Let me ask you this: What have you done so far to become more at ease with who you are on the inside? Do you live at home? Do you have a job?

You can start doing small things now, without making a big decision one way or the other. If your mother has say over everything that you do, have you tried talking to her about doing small things without a huge life change?

Transition is a process. And a good part of that process can be done without suddenly living as yourself full-time.

[arbon]

I told my mother (again) that I am not certain how much longer I can go without doing something substantial to start me down the path to realization and self-acceptance... She told me that she and my father are "simply not behind me doing anything big at this time" and she implored me again to just finish out my college time and get my degree... Her advice is true, sound, and prudent but it is getting harder and harder for me to follow it... .

I really don't agree with that being sound advice. Graduate as guy so your diploma will have your male name on it and you will be stuck as a guy when you enter the job market? Then your going to have to go through all the headache and stress of trying to transition at a job at some point in the future assuming you don't kill yourself between now and then because you are so miserable about it. And when that time comes do you think they will be behind you then?

How much longer in college?

[Becoming Brianna]

Kimdl, thank you for your reply... I really have found myself thinking too much in absolutes but that is largely because for so long I have been pulled in two different directions by opposing forces (one to conform one to be who I am)... I just called my mother and told her that I may be pushing her too hard and I apologized to her... Unfortunately, I do not think that I can express myself very much while abroad I'm not sure whether the culture of the country to which I am traveling is very accepting of the concept of different gender identities\expressions... Much like my parents, I am trying to be flexible and work together on this issue but I get the sense that while they are supportive it is hard for us to do this productively (possibly because I'm being unreasonable and hardheaded) the area in which I live is not the most accepting area for gender identity issues, though my campus isn't too bad as far as I understand...

Bree, I am still in the process of trying to wrap my mind around such an enormous life change and to accept it as a part of myself... I constantly try to tell myself that I am this way and it's okay but for whatever reason I'm not sure it registers... I live at home I have no job but those two things will change after I graduate if I can get my act together and finish... I am trying to do small things (some experience with makeup, beauty appointments, wearing some subtly female clothing, researching trans issues by reading articles from therapists and other sources, coming out to safe friends, going to therapy, improving my appearance with weight loss\muscle toning, and increased grooming, and posting here, etc.)... My mom seems to be on board with small things (like the subtle clothes the sleepwear sometimes light makeup and the beauty appointments) but both my parents (especially her because I'm closer to her and never want to disappoint her) have a huge sway over what I do... I am trying to embrace the fact that it is a process, but the enormity of it if it doesn't totally frighten me makes me want to jump from A to Z as fast as possible, especially since I want to understand who I am and live that way before I have a great deal of baggage from my former life (the time for jobs and other responsibilities is coming soon for me and I am afraid if I don't take a deep and honest look at these things now I never will and will die unfulfilled an inauthentic caricature of who I should be)... I am trying to take an incremental approach because that is the easiest and most acceptable for all parties involved, but I am pulled by two opposites one that is too afraid and another that wants to dive in immediately without any care for what others think...

[Inna]

Well, what good your professional resume is when read over the casket? I am sorry to be so blunt, but from the tone of your post and statistics amongst transgender community of 30-40% suicide rate, I feel it is utmost time for you to let go, what most of us hold dear but in fact is evil and debilitating, and that is of course our dependency on others opinions and views. Live YOUR life! Take a moment to get a big breath of air, sit you tush down and cry if you have to, it's all good. No one else will do it for you, NO ONE!

But be ready for some tough times ahead, transition is one of the most debilitating periods of ones life but as well the most precious and freeing.

[Becoming Brianna]

I really don't agree with that being sound advice. Graduate as guy so your diploma will have your male name on it and you will be stuck as a guy when you enter the job market? Then your going to have to go through all the headache and stress of trying to transition at a job at some point in the future assuming you don't kill yourself between now and then because you are so miserable about it. And when that time comes do you think they will be behind you then?

How much longer in college?

I admit that I am miserable but as things stand right now I would never kill myself... That would defeat the purpose of me trying to find myself and live authentically... Despite my parents sending some pretty mixed messages, both have told me that I am their child regardless and that they are there for me for whatever I need whenever I need them... Since they are my parents I take them at their word... I have just one year left in college, and I can't take off any time from my studies because then I would not be able to return (I have a special time-sensitive scholarship from my mother's military service that allows me to attend this expensive private school Without it, I would not be able to afford this school)... This is the main reason why I feel really stuck right now...

Brianna

[Jorja]

You are indeed at a crossroad. It sounds like it is time for you to make some very difficult decisions that are going to have serious impact on your life and future. You might look into your schools policy for changing your name on your diploma. Most require you to have your name changed legally then they will issue a new diploma with your new name. Some schools are a lot more difficult.

Understand that Mom and Dad only want what is best for you. For most parents it is very difficult to wrap their mind around you wanting to become a woman. It just wasn't in the book when they were your age. Maybe they could do some research and become more educated in transsexual issues. Maybe they could go to therapy with you to get a better understanding for what you are dealing with and how deeply it effects you. Maybe they just do not understand just how miserable you are.

From my own experience, These feelings, needs, and desires are only going to grow. They will have to be dealt with at some point. Repressing them is not the answer. Only you can make the decisions. Do what you must do.

PS I do agee with kimdl93. Life is about choices and compromises and compromise isn't always a bad thing.

[STACY B]

One of the mistaken beliefs that your therapist may have warned you about is called "black and white thinking". Basically, this is looking at a situation and only seeing two polar opposite choices... black and white, good and bad, all or nothing, with us or against us, studying abroad or exploring a more authentic but less professionally fruitful life. There's at least one more option: Go along with your mother's advice to enhance your resume and gain a marvelous set of life expereinces, and use some of your time abroad to live more authentically. Yes, its a measure of compromise, but life is about choices and compromises. And despite what you may have heard, compromise isn't a bad thing, nor does making a compromise today deny you a full range of options tomorrow.

LISTEN to her what ever you do !! YULL have more choices with an educatiom than you will otherwize TRUST THAT ! You can always do what you want later ,, Just think , Maybe in a few years there will be a pill you can take ,, The tecnology will not get worse it can only get better . Be a smart WOMAN not a dumb MAN !!

[Bree-asaurus]

I am trying to embrace the fact that it is a process, but the enormity of it if it doesn't totally frighten me makes me want to jump from A to Z as fast as possible

It is a process. And it's a long process. If you can learn patience now, you won't have to be forced into learning it later. You CAN'T jump from A-Z. You just don't know it yet ;)

Honestly, I think if you feel like you can make it through college, or transition during college, you should. Education is important and the more stable you can make your living situation and finances, the better you can focus on your transition and doing it right. And what's wrong getting a degree in your male name? I did... I filled out a form and they changed my name. I can now re-order my diploma in my real name. You'll never be able to totally hide who you were from employers if you're in a field where they run background checks.

While it's important to be financially secure, especially when it comes to the ridiculous expenses from transitioning, it is also important that you transition as soon as you are ready. The younger you can transition, the more successful you are going to be. Not only in transforming your body, but also in keeping your head above the waves. Don't wait until it's too late.

Why does it have to be college OR transition? Can't you do both at the same time?

[Julia_in_Pa]

Brianna,

Ahhhh yes the jumping off point, the edge, standing at the portal.
I need to tell you something that you probably do not want to hear.

If you Brianna are still struggling between transition and your career than transition is not going to win.
If anyone has any questions or excuses whether those excuses are valid and noble then transition is not for you at least at that time.

I've said this many times in the past and I'll say it again many times after I say it to you; You do not transition because you want to, you transition because you have no other choice.
If you are thinking for even a second that an opportunity for a better career is directly competing with transition then transition is not for you at this time.

I transitioned and lost everything Brianna. I did not feel good about it but I had to transition to avoid suicide. I transitioned because I had to.
Nothing stood in my way to transition and save my life.


If you think about it and come to find out that transition wins then you know what you must do.

If that's the case hang on because your life is about to become very very interesting.


Julia

[Becoming Brianna]

Jorja,

I think my parents are just trying to wrap their minds around everything and trying to understand... I am doing my best to be patient and forgiving toward them but sometimes it is hard especially when I feel that they are not listening to me... I do often feel like I am at a crossroads especially given that I will soon have my degree and will then enter graduate school and\or the job market... I am really searching hard for what my next move should be... I'm thinking about trying my very hardest to accept a slow and incremental process... I think that that will hurt the people I care about less and allow me to go to a new place where people are more accepting (where I live things are not very good for TG\TS people from what I understand)... I am trying my hardest to find a compromise that works for the time being... And you're right... I repressed these issues for years before I finally went to therapy for them and each time they came back it was only stronger...

Stacey and Bree, I am trying and will continue to try my very hardest to push through and finish my degree... I understand how difficult it will be for me without one since all decent jobs that will provide me with the money i would need to transition seem to require one... I do worry about job discrimination, though, so that's one of my main reasons for wanting to try to start now, but, unfortunately, the area I live in is not very supportive of TG\TS people, so I may have to wait out of necessity... True and authentic transition really does seem to be an either\or thing for me mostly because of my parents' wishes for me not to do anything but small and subtle things (so a slower incremental one may be on the table for me at this time with acceleration at an appropriate time)... I really don't want to anger my parents at this time since they really are my only way of surviving (no job little money no degree right now and I may need them for future support)... And don't worry as much as I would like to I am not naieve enough to think that I can completely divorce myself from my past life as a male if and when I do transition...

Julia,

While my career is a concern to me, it is secondary to my happiness and living an authentic life... I could live in poverty as long as I was being true to myself and who I am... I bring up concerns with my career for two reasons: 1. A good career is expedient for transition because I know that the process is as expensive as it is psychologically taxing 2. My parents who hold a high degree of influence over me at this time demand that I finish my degree and enter a good profession and I do not want to upset them... They are one of the main reasons why I did not explore these issues sooner and why I fight and struggle so much against this (though I admit that they are not the sole factor I have my own hangups as well)... You are right that full transition is not right for me at this time but it is indeed something that I am considering in the future when I have a little more freedom to be myself in order to be happy... If I lose that career, fine, I will go do something else in a friendlier environment but for now I have to do my best to balance my own wishes against not upsetting things at home too much... Forgive me if my tone is a bit harsh, it is not intended to be... This is merely meant to be an honest explanation of my present situation...

[Becoming Brianna]

Important update: I met a good friend for a drink today at a local cafe and came out to her... She was so understanding and supportive and seemed thrilled that I would confide in her concerning something so important and weighty... She told me that I have her full support and backing if ever I needed to talk face to face with someone or just needed a shoulder to cry on, and that I was a great person who deserved to be happy... She also told me that she felt that like others here have said my parents are really trying on this issue but just don't know exactly what to do... The best thing I think that I can do right now is to have patience both with them and with myself... I also noticed something in myself during that conversation: although it was hard for me to start the conversation, when I got to a point where I admitted to her that I felt that I should have been a girl, all the tightness in my chest released and for just a split second I felt an intense calm wash over me... I am beginning to suspect that my answer is slowly being revealed to me and it brings me at least a small degree of peace... I think I'm starting to figure out what it is that I need to do when I can have the opportunity and am on more solid and independent footing... In short, I am starting to feel better now... I don't know what I did to deserve such great friends in my life, but I must have done something right... I am so thankful for people like her and everyone here and in my day to day life who has come out in support of me because I have no idea where I would be without you all...

Brianna

[Stephenie S]

Just turn this over in your mind a bit.

College is absolutely the safest and best environment in which to transition. At NO time in the future will you ever be so free to be yourself. Many, many colleges have sophisticated support systems already in place for TG students.

Look around you. Is the dress code very rigid? I think not. Even if you don't actually transition while at school, there can be no better place to start your transition. Start dressing more girly. Start a female hairstyle. Start work on your voice. College is a pretty open and accepting place to start exploring your feminine side.

Just think about it. I do know what I am talking about.

Stephie

[Becoming Brianna]

Luckily for me it seems for the time being I have worked out a fair and equitable compromise with my mother... Over the next few weeks and months, I will begin to slowly and subtly feminize my appearance (introducing makeup, more androgynous clothing, slightly more feminine hairstyle, start work on my voice, maybe even get a consultation for how much hair removal will cost)... Hopefully this will ease my problems and discomfort sufficiently to get me through the rest of college until I can go to a more supportive place and live more openly during graduate school... I will also start attending my campus's LGBT support group where hopefully I can find even more accepting people to talk to and hang out with... My only fear is that there are people who know me in that group (even from as far back as high school) but if they are in the support group then they should be safe and understanding so I don't think I will have any problems)... I'm a little anxious, but certainly eager to begin honest exploration of my femininity... Does anyone know where would be a good place to start on voice training and about how much electrolosis\hair removal will cost and how long it takes?

Brianna