How should I dress?

[abigailf]

What is it about a first impression that makes it long lasting? I mean, you meet someone and right away you have an idea about this person and they have an idea about who and what you are. Then you hold on to that idea until something completely out of the expected character occurs and even then, you don't want to admit you are wrong and sometimes still hold onto that perception. It takes so much time and effort to change this perception, if at all.

The truth is, most first impressions are wrong from the start. Yet we as perfect individuals hang on to these perceptions we create until the bitter end. When I met my wife and first introduced her to my best friend, she did not like him that much. I don't know why and she really could not explain it, but she just didn't think he was "proper". It probably had something to do about a comment he had made about her going to catholic school. For years it was like pulling teeth just to spend time with him and his wife because she did not like him.

What about the impressions I left on people in my wake? How easy will it be to change them and can they be changed at all. Will my friends and family ever be able to see me as the woman I truly am?

I had come out to my mother, my brothers and my sisters. They all now know that I am a transsexual and what it means. They don't all get it and the reactions I get from them vary. My mother says she loves me no matter what. She wonders what she is to say to people like her friends and stuff. I suppose it is a good question, but I would say that the truth is a great place to start. Sometime later she had a conversation with my wife and was concerned how I may dress at Easter. Well, honestly, I don't think coming out one day and wearing a dress the next is the right thing to do. But really, how am I supposed to dress? I mean, I am a girl. I would expect that I dress like a girl, after all, I came out because I needed everyone to know I am a girl, so again, how should I dress?

I have been dressing in woman’s clothing around friends and family for the last couple years. Granted the fashion choice was more androgynous than anything else, but people did notice. For the past six months I have been dressing and wearing makeup. They all have seen me in my feminine but androgynous clothing. Today I don't even wear men's clothing at all except for work and even then only when I am at a customer. So again I ask, how am I supposed to dress?

My oldest brother and sister either have less of an issue with it or maybe they just don't vocalize it as much. They are accepting of me and even supportive. I can dress fairly feminine around them and not feel like I am making them uncomfortable. My sister has been really good about it and that feels very comforting. She refers to me in the feminine, probably not because her perception has changed but because she knows I prefer it that way. My brother, is there for me, concerned about me and will talk with me at anytime I need, but still refers to me in the masculine. So, again I ask, how should I dress?

My other brother and sister to the best of my knowledge are still in denial that I am transsexual. They don't get it, they don't seem to want to get it. I don't really know what they are thinking mostly because I don't speak with them often. I haven't spoken with them regularly even before I came out to them so the lack of communication is not related to coming out but rather just the way things are. You know how it is, we see each other on holiday’s and special events. We talk, laugh and enjoy each other’s company, but we don’t “hang out”. So again, how am I suppose to dress?

Eventually, my wife came around and actually enjoys having my best friend and his wife over. What changed her perception of him? Well, for one thing it was that I continued to be his friend no matter how she felt and still continued to visit with him as couples. She then got to know the real him and learned that he was not as bad as she thought.

So, how should I dress?

When I first embarked on this journey of transitioning, I originally thought that I didn’t care what anyone called me. To make it easier on them let them call me what they want. After all, I never really cared what anyone called me before. I always had a joke that went “When calling me I will respond to anything you call me, even those four letter Anglo-Saxon words.” I am now beginning to question that. Not because I want or need to be called something different, but because I want to change the mindset of those around me.

If I am looking to change the mindset of those around me, then “hello, McFly!” If I dress as a male, then what is the point of coming out. If I don’t dress around them, they will never see me as a female and thus their perceptions will never change. If I dress too girly, I will certainly shock people, especially those that probably do not know yet. Thus creating an uncomfortable environment for those around me.

A note to all of you that have been told your son, brother, nephew, uncle what have you is a transsexual. Understand that it means they are now your daughter, sister, niece, or aunt and vice versa for girls. It was difficult enough for them to come out to you, don’t make it harder on them by not acknowledging what they told you. Refer to them in the gender they wish.

So finally, how should I dress? Well, I'm sure I will find something appropriate to wear, I mean after all, I am a girl.

[RADER]

This is a rough question;
But I will try, at least it is my 2 cents worth.
Today, most women do not dress very fem, unless it is for work or a special occasion.
Just look around at say the grocery store. They all wear jeans and a top, and flats or
tennis shoes.
Even my wife, is in pants 90% of the time. Only wears a skirt for a church or other
special occasion. She says that she is most comfortable that way. She gives me the
raspberries when she see me in a dress and hose just to hang around the house.

Now getting back to your question; Dress the way you feel most comfortable in.
If you like a dress or a skirt, wear it. But only do it for you, not to impress anyone.
You said that some of your family is indifferent about your dressing, so dress down
around them. Seeing you dressed to the nines might put them in a state of shock.
Remember, society is still in the dark on our dressing, so we must adapt to a less
tolerant society than a liberal one. Some day our Ship will come in, but for now I
guess moderation is the word for the day.
Rader

[Traci Elizabeth]

"The truth is, most first impressions are wrong from the start." Actually that is NOT true. Most first impressions are correct. Why? Because we have internal mechanisms and our brain deciphers them instantly. That is how we have survived as a species. We are hard wired to immediately access if someone is friend or foe, if they would be a good mate, is he telling the truth, what are his intentions, and many other criteria we use when we first meet someone. It's the law of survival and we still use it today even though we are eons from early man.

[AllieSF]

Abigail, since you have told those that really matter to you about yourself, I think that you should dress as you desire when you want to. If you want to dress more feminine, then do it. What is the purpose of telling them and then still presenting androgynous when you seem to want to dress differently? I understand that you should pick your moment to present the more feminine Abigail, but since you have asked us several times in your OP, it appears that you are about ready for it. So, just do it and get it over with. It will become a non-event to you and to them the more you do it. I think that the longer you wait the harder it will become. I wish you the best.

PS: I also agree with Traci abour first impressions. I believe that we are more right than wrong when relying on them.

[Aprilrain]

Well being a girl isn't about clothes but if you want to wear a skirt or a dress as a woman that is your prerogative. I would dress appropriately for the occasion. This last x-mass I went to two different family x-mass parties, one at my parents house and one at my grandmothers. I'd been super depressed the day of my mom and dads party, I almost didn't go but my BF convinced me I should. By the time I went I was already a little late so I just threw on some jeans and a t shirt, all female clothing. when I walked in, in spite of the fact that everyone knew my name was April, they were calling me ______. I simply said maybe my parents haven't told you but my name is April. Later my 90 year old grandmother (dads step mom) asked me why I wasn't dressed up. I told her I'd been depressed and it was all I could do just to get dressed period. She said, "it would have been better if you had dressed for the occasion" she meant a skirt or dress and some make up! The next night was the other party (moms mom) and I got dressed up, I wore a nice black dress, black tights with a flower print on them did my make up and hair. No one hesitated to call me April. At both parties I was seeing people who have known me my whole life for the first time as April.
I guess first impressions do matter

[Julia_in_Pa]

Abigail,

You need to stop thinking in terms of appeasing those round you like family, friends, etc. and start dressing the way you think is appropriate for the occasion just like any other woman.
Stop slamming your head against a wall of unaccepting family and walk through the door as the true Abigail.
You know who you are sister so show them.


Julia

[noeleena]

Hi,

What i have done & what i will still do.

Okay im a 64 year old woman. no beating around the bush on that,
I told people after Jos was told i am a woman then family . how i dress has little to do with any thing for my self, or what i wear,

ill Keep this with in family, most of the time im dressed in skirts, tops much the same as my pic, with head wear , as seen, now Jos , our daughter ,,one of two sons his wife are okay, our other son & his wife are a little bit not quite there with accepting im a woman, to be expected, a little detail because thier son of 2 may catch from me & wont to wear clothes like i do. any way.

So to keep them happy i wear shorts a tee top, sneakes & a sun hat more in line with how i dressed before & still do, no make up earings so its not a issue,

Jos & i talked about this some 5 years ago. so its no bigge. now what they dont know is i dont have any male clothes what ever,

what im getting at is i cant hide my breasts or other womens body figure, & they are not bothered with that, as to clothes you can still wear something nice & feminine with out it going all out in a way that says im a pushy woman, dress down yet still nice,

To keep our family tight = to gether i dont mind what i wear, just for a day or so. im still a woman no matter what i wear, dont get strung up on the clothes that it stress's you out.

Wont your S O help you with this, i would ask if youv not done so, or your brother & Sister, what they think would be best,

I wish you well with this .

...noeleena...

[Stephenie S]

Yeah. What Julia said.

[Shapeshiffter]

i also agree with Julia. I am out to everyone I know and work with. I work in a factory so jeans and a tshirt are the usual clothing for all of us. What made the biggest impression on the people I work with was when I started wearing a bra. That more than anything else convinced them that I was truly feminine. Most of the people I work with are girls, and the majority of them now except me.

[Jessinthesprings]

I think that a holiday event is not really a good time for those kinds of shocks. I think you should at least have some time with some of them dressed as you want. Could be something as simple as a cup of coffee. You could answer questions or talk about the weather. But either way get the shock factor out of the way before you show up at a large family function.

[LeannL]

Abigail,
You need to dress however you want to dress. If you decide that the reaction to what you wear will affect you, then I would suggest that you go in a nice pair of women's slacks, heels and a blouse. Make it feminine because that is who you are but in a way that if someone wants to ignore it, it isn't impossible. However, the most important person for who you need to dress is YOU and no one else.
Good luck,
Leann

[abigailf]

Abigail,

You need to stop thinking in terms of appeasing those round you like family, friends, etc. and start dressing the way you think is appropriate for the occasion just like any other woman.
Stop slamming your head against a wall of unaccepting family and walk through the door as the true Abigail.
You know who you are sister so show them.

Julia


OMG! So true.

Actually, I don't disagree with many of the responses. But I do have a marriage that I would like to keep and if moving slower than I like means keeping it, then I will have to suffer at these events for a little longer. I just tend to be a very impatient person and I can not wait for the day when all this is behind me. The sooner people just get used to it the better.

I have always gone in either jeans and tee or a flannel shirt. So, I'll just go in skinny jeans, sneakers and sweater (or maybe something from Steven Tyler's daughter's closet).

[emmicd]

Dear Abigail,
I was deeply touched by your story because I have felt the same in my need to dress and express myself the way I feel on the inside. I just started therapy which I had put off for the longest time because I was afraid to talk about my crossdressings and feelings of tg. I have been struggling with these feelings since childhood. I have been dressing in girls clothing since the age of 5. I love wearing dresses and wish I could dress in public and visit family and friends as a woman. I finally summoned the courage to schedule a session with a therapist who is there to listen and she understands. I have been through a lot these past two years with my dad's suicide in 2009 and my son's medical condition. My wife knows I need to dress in womens clothing but she does not want to see me dressed. She looks the other way so the only time I can dress as I feel I should and need to is at nighttime when my wife and son are asleep. I do not sleep as a result and when I do it is always in womens clothing. I wish I could boldly go out and dress as I should but it is not so easy. I am trying to find out how best to deal with this and that is why I have gone back for therapy.
I sometimes wonder what would be the most important thing I could do and it is that I always be there for my family and I be true to myself as you should.
I have come to realize that it would not be so hard to talk and let family know my inner feelings and I will discuss this with my therapist how I should. I would love to wear a dress and go out and experience life this way. I would finally feel free and happy. This may sound off the wall but to me it is very real. I am now in my early 50s and I lost my mom at 50. I am a very kind and caring person and I am trying to be a good role model for my son. I have been harboring this secret for my whole life and I feel if I were to die and I had never shared this part of me I would have regret and people would never get to know the real me. I find this to be a very sad and troubling scenario and I would like to take the steps necessary to not have this happen. i would feel so much happier if I could go out to some degree and dress the way I feel i should, in a dress and I believe you should as well. Thank you for sharing such a very real dilema we face each and every day. I wish you the very best and I hope you can wear the prettiest dress you fancy to the next family occasion and that you feel comfortable always dressing in your prettiest clothes in the company of family, friends and the world!

[MsSamanthaErica]

I have been told that I have a fairly good sense of dress (sometimes lol) but I often find something nice to put on, a nice top with jeans & boots work for me. I don't go immediately for the mini and low cut effect because it really doesn't suit me or my body.

That being said... it's what suits your body, your mood and your end results. If you're going to a friends house to lounge around and help them with weeding the garden, wearing a dress doesn't fit. If you are going to a fancy engagement you don't show up in denim cut-offs and a low cut blouse. In between... *that's* where it gets hard but I think if you have some idea where you are going or what you will be doing you dress for the occasion. I just went to a holiday party not long ago and pulled out my black and red formal dress and people loved it. But the week before I was out visiting a friend and I wore a sweater and jeans. I was happy just being accepted and out with friends. The thing is you never know what the wardrobe need is so it's always a good idea to perhaps take a bag with something a little more (or less) formal that you can change into if the situation warrants it. A fairly small bag can hold a pair of heels, a dress, some tights and whatever other items you need.

All other things being equal (and they never are lol) it's really best for you to dress as comfortable as you need but respectful of the occasion. I'm sure around your family a more comfortable slacks/blouse would work for many occasions. Plus if you have family (as you do) who are having a more difficult time with your transition you will make it a little more 'gray' area in their perception.

Good luck and let us know what you decide!