Three months and I said it today

[Anna Lorree]

So today I had a therapy session, today was three months. My therapist and I were talking today, and she asked me what I thought I was. I said that Harry Benjamin and a couple of peer reviewed psychologists seem to think I am at least some kind of a transsexual (that was followed by a small joke about being "kinda" pregnant). She asked me again what that means. And then I said it, it was kind of strangled, but I said, "I guess that means I am transsexual."

No offense, but I don't want to be transsexual. I want to be able to be a happy man. I want to be able to not throw my life in turmoil, and not hurt my family.

One of the things she said to me was, "OK, now what are you going to do about it?" She pointed out that I only have to go as far as I feel I need to. Still, this feels like a cruel trick being played on me. I have the perfect life! I have a great wife who is also my best friend, we have two great kids, a nice house, I have a good job that provides for us on one income. Why in hell would I want to go and do something like being transsexual? I could lose all of that! Sometimes I feel like Job in the Old Testament.

Then she asked what I wanted to do, how far I wanted to go. I answered honestly and told her that how far I go is going to depend on what my wife does, at least for as long as possible. If she stays, I will do as little as I can live with. If she leaves, I will go as far as feels right.

I want to match, and I don't like feeling like my body is wrong. At the same time, I don't want to lose those that I love, or the good things I have built up over half of my life. I'm tired of being yanked in both directions, I'm tired of feeling incomplete and empty, I'm tired of having to hide who I am, I'm tired of living a lie. Why do all the big decisions have to be lose/lose?

Anna

[AllieSF]

Wow Anna, that is one of those realization points in our life that brings all those mixed feeling, good and bad. I do wish you the best as you dig deeper and come to grips with that title. I would not feel sorry nor bad at all that you do not embrace it as this moment. You have time to work through it and decide what you will do. Good luck.

[Traci Elizabeth]

If you "think" you are TS ("I guess that means I am transsexual."), then you probably are not. If you are not willing to loose EVERYTHING then you are also not TS. You should enjoy everything that you have and perhaps keep going to your therapy sessions. But whatever you do, do not tell your wife until you are sure. When you open Pandora's Box, things will never be the same.

For us who are TS, there does not exist "doubt" about who we are, we know it as fact. We do not allow the good things in our life to persuade us not to transition. We are willing to loose everything to be the woman we are. For many of us, it was transition or death by suicide.

So don't give away the farm for something you think you might be.

[FurPus63]

I disagree with those say you are or you're not. That's sort of being insensitive. I've been struggling and still do struggle with the term "Transsexual." I don't like it. Now maybe that's because of all the negative stereo-typing that's been plaguing our country for so long, but it's hard for me to come to grips with being transsexual. It's hard, especially for those of us who have just gotten started with the whole CD/TG thing. For those of you who have known for years or since childhood, good for you. There are some of us who are just now coming to grips with all of this and trying to accept it. Have some compassion, please. That would be the kind thing to do instead of insisting that you have to be this or have to know that. That's not fair! I know I want to be a woman more than anything else I've ever wanted in my life, but "giving up everything" to do it? I am willing to give up a lot and have already lost my wife and might lose others, not to mention a full-time job that I love. So what am I supposed to do? Live on "skid row"so I can be a woman 24/7? I'm seeing a therapist soon and looking forward to starting hormones, etc..... but my full transition could be two or more years from now or it could come tomorrow. Whenever it happens, it will be when the timing is right for me and the same for you too Anna. For those who think they have all the answers, I just want to ask: who died and made you God?

Paulette

[Anna Lorree]

If you "think" you are TS ("I guess that means I am transsexual."), then you probably are not. If you are not willing to loose EVERYTHING then you are also not TS. You should enjoy everything that you have and perhaps keep going to your therapy sessions. But whatever you do, do not tell your wife until you are sure. When you open Pandora's Box, things will never be the same.

For us who are TS, there does not exist "doubt" about who we are, we know it as fact. We do not allow the good things in our life to persuade us not to transition. We are willing to loose everything to be the woman we are. For many of us, it was transition or death by suicide.

So don't give away the farm for something you think you might be.

I guess that depends on how you define it. To me, transsexual means a person who will make alterations to their body in order to make their physical sex match their own perceived gender. Hence, transcending sex. Knowing my history, that does fit me to some degree. I tried (and wasted a lot of money on) herbals to feminize myself a few years ago. It didn't work, but I was willing to and wanted to go there. I want permanent hair removal. I look at my face and always see the masculine features in it and don't like them. There are things about my body I feel are wrong, and incorrect for me. Parts of me just aren't "right" as far as my perception of self is concerned.

I have talked with other transwomen who didn't feel the need to commit suicide, they transitioned before they got to that point. That is (apparently) your experience and I am not belittling it, simply saying that in my discussions with others they don't all agree with you. That said, I have made no plans or appointments for SRS or FFS. I am not rushing off to LA or Asia. And no, I haven't started HRT. Trust me, the last thing I want to do is screw up my family, that is why I have been fighting this now for years.

According to professionals, I fit the profiles of transsexuals they have treated in the past. Honestly, the "title" is challenging to accept for me, but the bigger thing to me is her question, "What are you going to do about it?" That is what I need to figure out. That is the same question whether you hang TS, CD, TG or anything else next to my name. That is where I need to find peace.

Edited to add: And when it comes to telling my wife, I told Knitknerd about a month ago that according to the Benjamin Scale, I am a "4", which puts me as a "low end" transsexual. She knows, she has her fears, we talk about it and I tell her the truth. I owe her at least that much.

Anna

[Badtranny]

Anna I find your story to be extremely interesting. Not sure why but it might have something to do with your obvious talent for conveying your feelings in such a raw and honest way.

I don't have any advice for you except get busy with electrolysis. It's a two year process at least and there is NO downside unless you want facial hair for some reason. This is a productive use of time while you figure it out because your transition will have to wait until that's finished anyway. There are those that may argue (of course) but why would you CHOOSE to be a bearded lady? Every T-girl I know that is still doing beard removal after transition hates it and the most common complaint from trans women by far is not starting electrolysis sooner. I know I wish I did. It's a right of passage that will give you a pretty good idea of what's in store; A long painful process that requires equal amounts of determination and patience.

[Anna Lorree]

Anna I find your story to be extremely interesting. Not sure why but it might have something to do with your obvious talent for conveying your feelings in such a raw and honest way.

I don't have any advice for you except get busy with electrolysis. It's a two year process at least and there is NO downside unless you want facial hair for some reason. This is a productive use of time while you figure it out because your transition will have to wait until that's finished anyway. There are those that may argue (of course) but why would you CHOOSE to be a bearded lady? Every T-girl I know that is still doing beard removal after transition hates it and the most common complaint from trans women by far is not starting electrolysis sooner. I know I wish I did. It's a right of passage that will give you a pretty good idea of what's in store; A long painful process that requires equal amounts of determination and patience.

Thank you Melissa, for both the advice and the compliment. I will gladly accept both.

Anna

[LeaP]

I wouldn't be too concerned about either the therapist's questions (either one), the tentative nature of your answers, or the question of direction. Think of this as a prompt, not finality. You're not at a precipice, not yet anyway. You may get the core question again in another month or three and the answer might be different and have more conviction. Who knows? Why should you not be asked at this point? What could possibly be more apt in making you confront (not think) about the realities? Discussing this openly with someone prepared to gate and guide transition is not the same as musing or obsessing about such things in your head.

Remember that the story of Job was not that he was cursed, but that he was blessed because in the end he always did what he knew to be right, no matter the consequences, even arguing with God in the process. He was asked hard questions, like you, that tested his convictions. So why not wait a while then invite the questions again?

Lea

[Aprilrain]

If you "think" you are TS ("I guess that means I am transsexual."), then you probably are not. If you are not willing to loose EVERYTHING then you are also not TS. .

For us who are TS, there does not exist "doubt" about who we are,

Speak for your self miss boobies!

If you were so damn sure of your self why'd you wait till you were in your 40s, had a wife and kid and presumably quite a bit invested in some semblance of a male life. I find the schizophrenic revisionist history so often spouted by older TSes to be comical at best, spiteful and elitist at worst.

Anne there are as many ways to be transsexual as there are transsexuals. Sound familiar Traci?

[Julia_in_Pa]

Anna,

The point of no return. I'm extremely familiar with it.
I didn't want to be intersexed. I didn't want to destroy everything I loved, owned and built to be who and what I am fully but I didn't have a choice in the matter.
I wanted to be a happy man as well Anna. I had one hell of a good life.
You already know your TS what you decide to do is fully up to you but a word of warning sister; Do not make a incorrect self diagnosis concerning your ability to suppress and continue to live presenting as a man.
You can end up having your GID come back in ways that will make what is currently happening seem like a day at the amusement park.
I stopped my first attempt at transition for close to six years and because of it I ended up in an ultimatum of transition or suicide.
I'm not saying you would get to this extreme point but I'm very sure you do not want to find out either.

Anna, yes it is a lose/lose at the onset but it does become a win after a period of time.
It took me close to four out of the five years of living full time for me to accept everything that happened and to learn to fully accept me for me.
There is of course regrets that I will never get over like losing my wife.
I had to accept the fact that she is gone. She is not coming back and that I must move forward.
I did this by moving around what I couldn't get over.

Choose your next steps with great care Anna.


Julia

[Ally 2112]

This will be a very hard decsion as julie in PA has always said it is not easy and you can lose everything .I have already lost my wife and a GF because of this lifestyle as i call it .It just depends on how far you are willling to go ?.My Dr already knows my x wife told him then she told me so far he has been very respectful and has tried to help where possible .My opin is to keep up with the theripist and figure out where you want to go .A choice like this is definately a life changer !

[Stephenie S]

There is a HUGE difference between wanting to be a women (doesn't everybody?) and knowing you are a woman. It's your therapist's job, I think, to help you figure this one out.

S

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Anna,
You said..
"No offense, but I don't want to be transsexual."

I literally burst out laughing... no offense taken!! Join the club!
I believe that is about the investment some of us make in male life...especially around loved ones...so i think your thought is very valid and simply shows you have your wits about you.

you will get lots of advice...and it can conflict.....so you have to be strong...its a learned skill to trust yourself after years and years of self denial..

i don't buy what some say...if you are unsure, that just means you are unsure....
it can be fear. lifelong socialization or true doubt, it doesn't matter...
I had significant doubts, even as i proceeded with HRT...it took alot of real life to get rid of those doubts.

i don't buy the idea that wanting to be a woman is different than knowing you are..
...i know I wanted to be a woman, I wished i was a woman, and i didn't know anything... maybe there are 2 "types" but i think it's more likely that there are different coping mechanisms we employ as kids and it drives how we think our whole life...
so get that totally out of your mind..it's not helpful as to where this is going for you..

45+ years of male living still makes it hard for me to think of myself as a woman..and btw april, i'm in my 40's , wife and kids...your broad brush caught me right in the noggin..

By focusing on your wife, your family, money etc... you are just being careful and smart...

personally , i think you would be well served to take a step back... try to not be a transsexual (since you don't want to be one), and see how that works out for you...take a therapy break and just live, stop trying to analyze everything, don't make any promises to your wife, or to yourself..don't judge yourself..
....live your male life to the fullest and enjoy the benefits (and there are many benefits) of that life..

and see how that works out for you..by your posts, thats what you want...by your posts, you are not in a good state of mind to transition anyway, so be pragmatic about it, and be a guy....and see what happens....don't get trapped in therapy land...and yes maybe do some electrolysis "just in case".

in the end, you will either muddle through or you will go through what we've all been through...

in the end, gender dysphoria will get you or it won't...

[sandra-leigh]

One of the things she said to me was, "OK, now what are you going to do about it?" She pointed out that I only have to go as far as I feel I need to.

In the long run, that is an excellent question. My therapist says, "Forget the labels; how do YOU want to live?" And if my (sincere) answer had been that I wanted to be a biker chick with a beard and a tutu, she might have warned about road-rash, but would have been fine with it.

What does it take to make you happy? And if the answer is very different than anyone else's answer, and falls completely outside any traditional category, then be you, not what other people expect of you. Invent / discover your own gender category if that's what works for you.

Now I'm presuming here that you didn't go to therapy with the question, "How do I be a conformist?"

You are not restricted to "Dinner for one #A" or "Dinner for one #B": it is your life and you can go a-la-carte from as many different sources as works for you.

[Anna Lorree]

....live your male life to the fullest and enjoy the benefits (and there are many benefits) of that life..

and see how that works out for you..by your posts, thats what you want...by your posts, you are not in a good state of mind to transition anyway, so be pragmatic about it, and be a guy....and see what happens....

in the end, you will either muddle through or you will go through what we've all been through...

in the end, gender dysphoria will get you or it won't...

Lol, the live life as a guy thing, that was my 20's and early to mid 30's, and is what eventually landed me in therapy. That's a frustration to me, some of this is so very circular, it's like I'm chasing my own tail sometimes...

I'm not planning anything drastic at this point, and I'm not ready to come out right now. Hair removal is a possibility.

Anna

[Kaitlyn Michele]

some of this is so very circular, it's like I'm chasing my own tail sometimes...

Anna

yep that's my point... stop chasing your tail...if you don't , picture it as a big drill spinning in the dirt...it digs deeper and deeper hole.... that's just the way it is for us...

[Anna Lorree]

Anna,

The point of no return. I'm extremely familiar with it.
I didn't want to be intersexed. I didn't want to destroy everything I loved, owned and built to be who and what I am fully but I didn't have a choice in the matter.
I wanted to be a happy man as well Anna. I had one hell of a good life.
You already know your TS what you decide to do is fully up to you but a word of warning sister; Do not make a incorrect self diagnosis concerning your ability to suppress and continue to live presenting as a man.
You can end up having your GID come back in ways that will make what is currently happening seem like a day at the amusement park.
I stopped my first attempt at transition for close to six years and because of it I ended up in an ultimatum of transition or suicide.
I'm not saying you would get to this extreme point but I'm very sure you do not want to find out either.

Anna, yes it is a lose/lose at the onset but it does become a win after a period of time.
It took me close to four out of the five years of living full time for me to accept everything that happened and to learn to fully accept me for me.
There is of course regrets that I will never get over like losing my wife.
I had to accept the fact that she is gone. She is not coming back and that I must move forward.
I did this by moving around what I couldn't get over.

Choose your next steps with great care Anna.


Julia

I have found myself actually wishing I was IS. Then there would be some kind of physical manifestation to show that it was the way I was made, and not my fault. As it is, everything is in my head. Yeah, I may have a brain that is basically female, but people can't see that. A doctor can't look and say anything definitive about it. It may be naive of me to say that.

Anna

[Aprilrain]

45+ years of male living still makes it hard for me to think of myself as a woman..and btw april, i'm in my 40's , wife and kids...your broad brush caught me right in the noggin..

I've been reading your posts for awhile now and haven't really read anything I'd consider revisionist history. In fact saying "45 years of male living still makes it hard for me to think of myself as a woman" sounds nothing like "I always knew, I never doubted" it sounds like the truth.

Hind sight is 20/20 I think some people confuse current understanding for past experience. Yeah it's hard for me to imagine now how I ever thought I wasn't transsexual but at the time it was hard for me to believe I was! It's difficult for me to understand how I coped for so long now but at the time it was doable. For the life of me I can not imagine what I was thinking when I kept making choices that tied me tighter and tighter to a male life. A life I'd love to leave behind now without a second thought but at the time it genuinely seemed like the right thing to do. I find it difficult to believe that someone who waits until their 30s, 40s or 50s to transition never had any doubts.

Stephine please explain what the difference between wanting and "knowing" is. Today I know I'm a girl in the past I wanted to be a girl or at least it seemed that way because I "knew" I was a boy. All I had to do was look at myself naked and use some pretty simple deductive reasoning skills to see that. I think your statement could be easily misconstrued by someone who has either been taught to or, by way of a coping mechanism, become accustomed to relying on logic and ignoring feelings and intuition. I'm sure there are some CDers who fantasize about "being a girl" but when confronted with the reality of what that means quickly retreat back into the excitement of the fantasy. I think if you're TS the fantasy will slowly eat at you until you make it a reality.

It don't take long for this shit to become FO REAL! Anyone who's pain of being male isn't greater than the pain of becoming female won't be able to stomach this road.

[Badtranny]

Hi Anna,
You said..
"No offense, but I don't want to be transsexual."

... no offense taken!! Join the club! ...

Yeah, I thought it would be a kick one day to tell all the guys I work with and that work for me that I was a transsexual and that one day soon I would be changing my name to Melissa, but you guys can call me Misty like the rest of my friends.

Just seemed like something fun to do. ;-)

Only a crazy person would WANT to join this club Anna. The price of admission is very high and the benefits suck, but for me, living an honest life is worth the struggle.

[Anna Lorree]

Yeah, I thought it would be a kick one day to tell all the guys I work with and that work for me that I was a transsexual and that one day soon I would be changing my name to Melissa, but you guys can call me Misty like the rest of my friends.

Just seemed like something fun to do. ;-)

Only a crazy person would WANT to join this club Anna. The price of admission is very high and the benefits suck, but for me, living an honest life is worth the struggle.

I work for a fire department that hired it's first black man about 6 years ago, and just hired it's first GG about 2 years ago. We're a little slower up here in Humboldt County, culturally speaking...

How did the guys at your work take it?

Anna

[JohnH]

Starting M2F HRT does not have to be an all or nothing affair. Just because you are on hormones does not mean that you have to follow through with SRS and change your name and gender marker. I say just take one step at a time.

Here are my feelings:

I guess I am taking it slow and easy with transition. I have no plans at all for SRS - the farthest I would go is an orchiectomy. You don't have to decide to transition fully, or even if you want to do so. For me M2F HRT has been a wonderful thing - even for the sake of my wife I would wear only masculine clothes and follow masculine grooming protocol, it still would be great.

I bend the masculine protocol a bit - I have a femme haircut, wear clear nail polish and lipstick. And yes, I have developing breasts and am acquiring a more feminine profile (I say that because I have always had a large round butt and large hips all my adult life. When I have my weight under control the waistline is 2 inches above the naval, just like a genetic woman.)

I still have my male voice and wear for the most part masculine clothing. I also have no plans to change my legal name or my gender marker. I make no effort at all to pass as a woman.



Only a crazy person would WANT to join this club Anna. The price of admission is very high and the benefits suck, but for me, living an honest life is worth the struggle.


Maybe that is why I have picked up the name of "Crazy John" :)

Maybe you might share with your wife the desire to start M2F HRT. In my case it was my wife that suggested that in the first place.


Johanna (John)

[Anna Lorree]

Maybe you might share with your wife the desire to start M2F HRT. In my case it was my wife that suggested that in the first place.

Actually, I already have. I can't say she is really happy with it, but she didn't scream, "NO!!" at the top of her lungs or burst into tears, either. She asked that if I make any appointments to start down that road, that she be able to go along with me.

Anna

[JohnH]

Actually, I already have. I can't say she is really happy with it, but she didn't scream, "NO!!" at the top of her lungs or burst into tears, either. She asked that if I make any appointments to start down that road, that she be able to go along with me.

Anna

I'm glad that you have been able to share that with your wife. For my two cents worth, in my opinion you could at least give HRT a try. If it feels wrong, then you can back out in about 3 months and you should not have permanent effects. For me it has really felt wonderful to me so it is the right thing for me to do.

Just be prepared that when you rub your breasts because they itch while they develop, your wife might say to you something like what my wife says to me when I rub my breasts, "There you go John - rubbing your tits again!" :)

[Badtranny]

How did the guys at your work take it?

I was prepared for the worst but it's been better than I could have ever imagined. I guess if I was a macho jerk it may have been more of a shock to everyone but I think our redneck mobile equipment manager (trucks, trailers, etc) said it best; "well Bill, I always did think you were kinda feminine anyway".

The bottom line is you have to be true to yourself. I was NEVER going to be respected as a manly man because I was nothing but a caricature of one. People always knew there was something weird about me, they just didn't know what it was. Every single person who is in my life has made a point of telling me they like me better now. I'm a real person now. No more secrets, no more talking the talk but not walking the walk.

A couple of years ago one of the guys in my little mountain bike group made a comment that I talked about women a lot but I never seemed interested in the girls that we would meet at our various rides. What was I gonna say? Well the truth is I brag about dating chicks cuz I don't want you to think I'm gay but I'm really queer as a three dollar bill and furthermore I'm probably going to start transitioning soon.

I no longer have to pretend. Everybody knows exactly who and what I am and I can't describe how wonderful that is. Have my relationships changed? Absolutely, I am no longer one of the guys, but that's okay. EVERYTHING in my life is changing, but it is changing for the better. Is transition hard? Well, go tell one of your colleagues that you feel like a woman inside. Transition is THAT hard. But it IS worth it. If you are really struggling with your identity and you really hate people treating you like a guy, then it is worth every ounce of pain.

I can look at myself now and be proud of who I am instead of being ashamed to live a lie.

[Anna Lorree]

I was prepared for the worst but it's been better than I could have ever imagined. I guess if I was a macho jerk it may have been more of a shock to everyone but I think our redneck mobile equipment manager (trucks, trailers, etc) said it best; "well Bill, I always did think you were kinda feminine anyway".

The bottom line is you have to be true to yourself. I was NEVER going to be respected as a manly man because I was nothing but a caricature of one. People always knew there was something weird about me, they just didn't know what it was. Every single person who is in my life has made a point of telling me they like me better now. I'm a real person now. No more secrets, no more talking the talk but not walking the walk.

A couple of years ago one of the guys in my little mountain bike group made a comment that I talked about women a lot but I never seemed interested in the girls that we would meet at our various rides. What was I gonna say? Well the truth is I brag about dating chicks cuz I don't want you to think I'm gay but I'm really queer as a three dollar bill and furthermore I'm probably going to start transitioning soon.

I no longer have to pretend. Everybody knows exactly who and what I am and I can't describe how wonderful that is. Have my relationships changed? Absolutely, I am no longer one of the guys, but that's okay. EVERYTHING in my life is changing, but it is changing for the better. Is transition hard? Well, go tell one of your colleagues that you feel like a woman inside. Transition is THAT hard. But it IS worth it. If you are really struggling with your identity and you really hate people treating you like a guy, then it is worth every ounce of pain.

I can look at myself now and be proud of who I am instead of being ashamed to live a lie.

That's the hard and frightening thing about coming out, you can't go back in again. It's also the flaw with the RLT, if you fail at living as a woman, how do you ever go back? Or is the RLT more of a time to prove to yourself that you can do it?

Your last line, about not living a lie, that resonates with me. That is the part of this that I hate the most, but I fear giving it up almost as much as I fear losing my family.

Anna

[Badtranny]

That's the hard and frightening thing about coming out, you can't go back in again. It's also the flaw with the RLT, if you fail at living as a woman, how do you ever go back? Or is the RLT more of a time to prove to yourself that you can do it?

Your last line, about not living a lie, that resonates with me. That is the part of this that I hate the most, but I fear giving it up almost as much as I fear losing my family.

Anna

Be careful with fear, it feeds on your courage until it gets big enough to start feeding on your character.

[JohnH]

That's the hard and frightening thing about coming out, you can't go back in again. It's also the flaw with the RLT, if you fail at living as a woman, how do you ever go back? Or is the RLT more of a time to prove to yourself that you can do it?

Your last line, about not living a lie, that resonates with me. That is the part of this that I hate the most, but I fear giving it up almost as much as I fear losing my family.

Anna

With my friends and family only my wife knows I am on M2F HRT. You don't have to tell your family about that early in the game. Only when they notice something different do you have to tell them. If HRT is right for you, you will find a tremendous amount of relief so you would work up the courage to tell your friends and family. I guess I am fortunate in that I have always had a big round butt and big hips, and there are some male relatives in my family that have female sized breasts who have not taken hormones.

For the most part I am not conscientiously living as a woman - right now I'm just taking it one step at a time. It's not like I am going to get SRS - I'm not.

Come to think of it - women also wear t-shirts and jeans, clothes I currently have on. So in a sense I am dressed as a woman just as much as I am dressed as a man.

We are fortunate in this society to have androgynous clothes - imagine how difficult it would be if we went back to the 1950's and before when there were distinct differences in what men and women wore. Right now I am wearing a T shirt and a pair of jeans, which is more typical for a woman to wear in contemporary society that a dress. When I wear dresses I like to remind my wife that I am not dressed as a woman - she would be much more likely to wear a t-shirt and jeans.

Johanna

[Kirsty_D]

"Do what you fear the most then the death of fear is certain", Mark Twain

I work on an oil rig, I don't swim and in fact it would be safe to say I'm petrified about getting in a pool yet every 4 years I have to do my Helicopter Underwater Escape Training. I manage it, just.

I have to climb derricks and the rig I'm on now has the tallest offshore derrick ever built yet I don't like heights. Doesn't sound so bad but try doing that when in a force 8 storm and the rig is pitching and heaving 15 degree's.

Sounds all very manly stuff, but the point is I love the job so I control my fear and the more often I do these things the less I fear it.

When I came out to my wife she said she finally understood me and now she's the one pushing me to live full time as a woman. My only concern here is how our relationship will change but right now we are closer than at any time since we met 9 years ago.

I came out to the crew of the oil rig I work on… Most guy's just shrugged there shoulders and said I was always strange anyhow, a couple of guy's are interested in what's happening to me.

If you don't face your fears they will eat you up.

Twice in the past I accepted who I was but could not face the world as Michelle (thats who she was back then), so Michelle got buried away, the static in my head got worse and the desire to be her grew daily and just ate me up.

As recently I had to run through a burning smoke house, get strapped into a training helicopter and dunked in a pool and had to change the lightening conductor at the top of the derrick (all true) while the rig rolled about under me I realized I was actually quite a strong person and could accomplish just about any task… A couple of months later I'm Kirsty!

Accepting who you are and being able to face the world as that person does change everything but you will find the biggest change is with in you.

[Anna Lorree]

Be careful with fear, it feeds on your courage until it gets big enough to start feeding on your character.

I've never been very good at going "all in" at poker, and in my job I am trained to always have an exit strategy. The only three things I have ever committed to completely in my life have been getting married, and having both kids. Everything else, I am always looking for options out. It's part of what I do...

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

"Do what you fear the most then the death of fear is certain", Mark Twain

I work on an oil rig, I don't swim and in fact it would be safe to say I'm petrified about getting in a pool yet every 4 years I have to do my Helicopter Underwater Escape Training. I manage it, just.

I have to climb derricks and the rig I'm on now has the tallest offshore derrick ever built yet I don't like heights. Doesn't sound so bad but try doing that when in a force 8 storm and the rig is pitching and heaving 15 degree's.

Sounds all very manly stuff, but the point is I love the job so I control my fear and the more often I do these things the less I fear it.

When I came out to my wife she said she finally understood me and now she's the one pushing me to live full time as a woman. My only concern here is how our relationship will change but right now we are closer than at any time since we met 9 years ago.

I came out to the crew of the oil rig I work on… Most guy's just shrugged there shoulders and said I was always strange anyhow, a couple of guy's are interested in what's happening to me.

If you don't face your fears they will eat you up.

Twice in the past I accepted who I was but could not face the world as Michelle (thats who she was back then), so Michelle got buried away, the static in my head got worse and the desire to be her grew daily and just ate me up.

As recently I had to run through a burning smoke house, get strapped into a training helicopter and dunked in a pool and had to change the lightening conductor at the top of the derrick (all true) while the rig rolled about under me I realized I was actually quite a strong person and could accomplish just about any task… A couple of months later I'm Kirsty!

Accepting who you are and being able to face the world as that person does change everything but you will find the biggest change is with in you.

I'm a fire department captain, hazardous materials response technician, urban search & rescue technician, confined space rescuer, trained in swift water rescue. I have nearly been burned over by forest fires several times, and nearly killed in building fires several times. I have over 16 years of experience as both a volunteer and professional in this field. I have been in fist fights, I have been shot at. I have stood on the skid of a flying Huey with no restraint straps, I have been suspended beneath a Huey on a rope. I am the person people call on their worst day, the day their family member is dying, the day their house is burning, the day of the 8.0 earthquake, the day that some terrorist uses chemical weapons in the local shopping mall. I know fear, I deal with it.

THIS scares me.

Anna

[Kirsty_D]

I am the person people call on their worst day

THIS scares me.

Anna


I hear you… I was in Northern Japan when the big earthquake struck, our ship was in port just North of Fukishima and we were badly damaged by the tsunami but that was nothing compared to admitting who I was and the need to come out so I could live my life just as I needed to.

Your the man person rely upon win they are having a bad day, but you need to be the person who is honest with himself and face your worst fear or you'll be distracted in your job.

[JohnH]

I'm a fire department captain, hazardous materials response technician, urban search & rescue technician, confined space rescuer, trained in swift water rescue. I have nearly been burned over by forest fires several times, and nearly killed in building fires several times. I have over 16 years of experience as both a volunteer and professional in this field. I have been in fist fights, I have been shot at. I have stood on the skid of a flying Huey with no restraint straps, I have been suspended beneath a Huey on a rope. I am the person people call on their worst day, the day their family member is dying, the day their house is burning, the day of the 8.0 earthquake, the day that some terrorist uses chemical weapons in the local shopping mall. I know fear, I deal with it.

THIS scares me.

Anna

Looks like you sure have guts and no one will impugn on your manhood or the fact you are a strong courageous person. So you have a great reputation and no one will call you a sissy.

I can go to community chorus rehearsals wearing light makeup including lipstick, sandals, painted toenails, long hair, and a denim skirt. Nobody calls me a sissy no matter how I dress or groom myself when I am there to be the lone second bass that can sing down to C# below the bass staff.

Johanna

[LeaP]

Be careful with fear, it feeds on your courage until it gets big enough to start feeding on your character.

:yt:

It's corrosive. And Melissa, I'm am going to STEAL AND USE THIS LINE FOR YEARS TO COME!

Lea

[Badtranny]

:yt:

It's corrosive. And Melissa, I'm am going to STEAL AND USE THIS LINE FOR YEARS TO COME!

Lea


lol

It surprised me when it fell out of my head and I liked it so much I immediately posted it on FB. I waste some of my best stuff on this damn board. ;-)

[Badtranny]

Everything else, I am always looking for options out. It's part of what I do...

I hear you Anna but be extra careful that you don't let yourself have too many excuses. Lots of us are in our 40's and 50's and we have established and very responsible careers. I want you to give yourself a fighting chance to figure this out but excuses, as you already know are the easy way around a responsibility. The reality is harsh. There is no turning back, there is no test coming out. You know this, I just hate to see you use such an easy excuse.

[Anna Lorree]

I hear you Anna but be extra careful that you don't let yourself have too many excuses. Lots of us are in our 40's and 50's and we have established and very responsible careers. I want you to give yourself a fighting chance to figure this out but excuses, as you already know are the easy way around a responsibility. The reality is harsh. There is no turning back, there is no test coming out. You know this, I just hate to see you use such an easy excuse.

I can't not do something. Not doing something is what got me here and got me dysphoria. I know I can't just ignore it, I tired that for 15 years, yet here I am. Besides, I was an A-hole to live with most of that time. Yeah, even I have to admit that.

I like your suggestion of starting beard removal, I could do that. I am already investigating HRT. I have an open referral from my therapist to a local provider, even though I don't have a letter yet. It's for information, I think. I WANT to go talk to the provider, and intend to when my work schedule and kids schedules allow time (I will be on the road for 3 of the next 7 weeks for training, and yes I intend to nurture my femme self during that time). Do I want to be transsexual? No. But I DO want to be at peace with myself, I want to not be consumed by wondering what I am. I want to be able to feel whole and complete and content with myself and my place in the world. And, I don't want to feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place all the time.

Anna

[JohnH]

But I DO want to be at peace with myself, I want to not be consumed by wondering what I am. I want to be able to feel whole and complete and content with myself and my place in the world. And, I don't want to feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place all the time.

Anna

Exactly why I am on M2F HRT.

Johanna

[Lyric]

It's unfortunate that we live in a society in which people feel they should all be so alike. Nature loves diversity. Why don't people? The fact is every person has certain unique and, probably, socially difficult desires within them. People who spend their lives suppressing such things in themselves are unhappy or ill and the world is usually worse for the fact.

You don't have to be an off-the-rack transsexual (or whatever) any more than you have to be an off-the-rack husband and father. Every one of us needs to examine ourselves deeply and know exactly what we want, than custom tailor a life that provides that. The more creativity you apply to your life, the happier you will be.

Lyric

[Anna Lorree]

It's unfortunate that we live in a society in which people feel they should all be so alike. Nature loves diversity. Why don't people? The fact is every person has certain unique and, probably, socially difficult desires within them. People who spend their lives suppressing such things in themselves are unhappy or ill and the world is usually worse for the fact.

You don't have to be an off-the-rack transsexual (or whatever) any more than you have to be an off-the-rack husband and father. Every one of us needs to examine ourselves deeply and know exactly what we want, than custom tailor a life that provides that. The more creativity you apply to your life, the happier you will be.

Lyric

Thank you, that's a really cool statement. I appreciate that.

Anna

[Misti]

Why do all the big decisions have to be lose/lose? Anna

Anna, these types of "What am I?" threads drive me completely nuts. ABSOOOOLUTELY NUTS! I have absolutely no idea of "What I am?" I am "Me." Period. :battingeyelashes:

Egro, there is no way I can possibly make a comment that will help you here, because it is definitely a "lose/lose" situation for us both, I feel (meaning "I own it!"). BTW if it were "I Think?" then it is a far worse "lose/lose" scenario because "I have not walked a mile in your moccasins;" so how could I possibly be so naive and arrogant as to "Tell" you anything? I can only "Share" my thoughts, and that I have just done. :2c:

Best of luck, girl, your therapist may be your best bet after all is said and done? L&R

[Anna Lorree]

Anna, these types of "What am I?" threads drive me completely nuts. ABSOOOOLUTELY NUTS! I have absolutely no idea of "What I am?" I am "Me." Period. :battingeyelashes:

Egro, there is no way I can possibly make a comment that will help you here, because it is definitely a "lose/lose" situation for us both, I feel (meaning "I own it!"). BTW if it were "I Think?" then it is a far worse "lose/lose" scenario because "I have not walked a mile in your moccasins;" so how could I possibly be so naive and arrogant as to "Tell" you anything? I can only "Share" my thoughts, and that I have just done. :2c:

Best of luck, girl, your therapist may be your best bet after all is said and done? L&R

Lol, sorry... It drives me nuts, too! Thanks for the moral support, all the same. I do truly appreciate your post and all the others. Even those I don't agree with, or who have views that seem less popular on the boards. Even the posts that I reject out of hand, they all expose me to different points of view, different ideas. And yeah, I whine a bit, but don't we all deserve to stomp our feet and throw a temper tantrum sometimes? I'll get over the grumpy venting on my part, and try to figure out how to seek some happiness in life, taking all of the suggestions into account.

Anna

[JohnH]

It's unfortunate that we live in a society in which people feel they should all be so alike. Nature loves diversity. Why don't people? The fact is every person has certain unique and, probably, socially difficult desires within them. People who spend their lives suppressing such things in themselves are unhappy or ill and the world is usually worse for the fact.

Lyric

That is so true with how society treats men. Women have a lot more leeway.

Having said that I go to church choir practices where I sing bass. The church is a conservative Lutheran congregation and I sit next to the pastor. All the other men in the choir have facial hair and two of them have huge guts. I on the other hand have a femme hair cut, breasts, lipstick, and long fingernails with clear nail polish. And yet I am accepted by the other member of the choir, including the other men - and yes, I still consider myself a man. I think I am accepted a lot better in that congregation than I would be in a lot of secular places such as bars.

Johanna

[Amber99]

No offense, but I don't want to be transsexual.

No offense taken, most of us don't. It's an awful thing to be burdened with.

[JohnH]

No offense taken, most of us don't. It's an awful thing to be burdened with.

Not me! I think is is wonderful to be transsexual! I get to understand what is is like to be a man and also to be a woman. I would not want it any other way.

Johanna

[Kathryn Martin]

This is truly an interesting comment. I think we all go through this phase that we need to see a sign of affirmation that what we think about ourselves is true. It is clear, Anna, that you fear the loss of your relationship with your wife and family and are at this time still to accommodate their "needs" over your own. We do have a certain responsibility for our social environment but so do they.

For a time I hoped that someone would diagnose a "medical condition" which would alleviate me of the responsibility to stand by me. Almost like pointing a finger and saying "it's all it's fault, if it wasn't there I would be normal".

It took me 56 years to finally say "I feel fear. I recognize it but I will no longer guided by it". I was able to do that because no matter how much you love your partner and relatives if you are dead then the whole accommodation question becomes moot. I was done accommodating the world which I had done for too long and concluded that the world owed me some accommodation back. The many years of suicidal ideation driven by a wish to "end it" could be left behind and I was finally able to end my self imposed solitude and reveal who I truly was.

I also find it interesting that you describe yourself as transsexual and not as a woman in the first instance. I see much of what I experienced in your description of how you feel. I eventually reached a point where all those crutches of medical justification , the need for diagnosis etc were left behind. I knew who I was, had know for all of my life and finally stopped fretting over it.

I am one of those who did not lose her marriage, her friends and relatives altogether. I owe this to planning, caring for those around me and understanding that how I carry myself as a human being will make the difference between acceptance and rejection. It meant understanding that my journey was into the light and theirs initially into the darkness. It meant that my friends, family, clients and colleagues were worth my investing my efforts to do this right and also do it right by them. With one exception I lost no family members but recently my dad and I re-established contact, my friends are still my friends and my colleagues and clients have followed me without exception. I do not believe that being transsexual in and of itself means that you must lose everything, or even must be prepared to lose everything. That is like saying if you want to live you must be prepared to die. It's a platitude actually. What it creates so unfortunately is the resignation before the fact, and all to often the feeling that it is futile to invest yourself in maintaining your relationships because "I must be prepared to lose everything". It is in some ways the soul being lazy.

For me the point of departure to unveiling myself as the woman I was and am, was founded on reaching a point where I could truly say I am satisfied with who I have become as a human being and I like my self.




I have found myself actually wishing I was IS. Then there would be some kind of physical manifestation to show that it was the way I was made, and not my fault. As it is, everything is in my head. Yeah, I may have a brain that is basically female, but people can't see that. A doctor can't look and say anything definitive about it. It may be naive of me to say that.


Anna

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kathryn, I really liked the way you said that...

[stefan37]

Like Kaitlyn said "Gender dysphoria sucks". Yes it does but it gets to a point where you have to stop fighting it or succumb.
Like Kathryn I'm taking a slow methodical approach in an attempt to keep my marriage and family , business clients intact. I have started electrolysis and plan on hrt soon. I am not forcing it down my wife's throat but letting nature take its course. Giving her time to assimilate and participate in the process gives her some feeling of control as difficult as it is for her. After my electrolysis session I felt a calm I haven't experienced in quite a long time. Taking to my family physician about my need to go on hormones and the medical implications although awkward was again an affirming moment for me. So far the steps I have taken have shown me that I am headed in the right direction. How far I have to go to find relief is unknown at this time.
I take it a step at a time and keep those close to me informed and hopefully in the end i will have lost little, but I am preparing myself for the worst. My advice is to take it slowly a step at a time. Start electrolysis and practice your voice, and take it from their. Stay positive and take steps to move forward, I 'll bet you feel some relief.

[Badtranny]

I do not believe that being transsexual in and of itself means that you must lose everything, or even must be prepared to lose everything. That is like saying if you want to live you must be prepared to die. It's a platitude actually. What it creates so unfortunately is the resignation before the fact, and all to often the feeling that it is futile to invest yourself in maintaining your relationships because "I must be prepared to lose everything". It is in some ways the soul being lazy.

Very eloquent Kat, but I disagree with this line of reasoning. I'm also carefully managing my transition and it's been very successful so far but I owe that as much to luck as I do to anything else. It's true that we make our own luck most of the time, but there are things that could have gone differently if the stars aligned just so. I have not lost everything either, in fact I've lost nothing except a pathetic closeted existence, however I was indeed prepared to lose it all. I may not have LOST anything worthwhile but EVERYTHING changed. Life as you knew it changed almost completely for you and everyone else in your life, and to deny this just lends to the fantasy that the "transition" is just a few steps away. There ARE those who lose jobs, and friends, and family, and it's important that we acknowledge that reality as well as the potential for some casualties along the way. Everything I know about my transition today is 100% hindsight. When I started this journey two years ago I may as well have jumped into a well, because I had no idea what was going to happen next. I fretted, and planned, and scheduled, but I literally did not know how any of it was going to turn out. I find it hard to believe that you didn't have any fear of losing anything and/or everything on day two of coming out.

[Amber99]

Not me! I think is is wonderful to be transsexual! I get to understand what is is like to be a man and also to be a woman. I would not want it any other way.

Johanna
I was quite careful to say "most" rather than "all" :3

[Helen Grandeis]

Many experts recommend beard removal before the RLE and HRT. It makes things so much easier and less grossly obvious.

[Kelsy]

I had no idea what was going to happen next. I fretted, and planned, and scheduled, but I literally did not know how any of it was going to turn out.

I prepared for months before my coming out and discovered that the one thing I was not prepared for was the complete and utter rejection I received from my daughter. My son who initially was accepting has turned away as well and we no longer speak. I don't get to see my grandkids grow up and it's sad Weighing the cost and having a healthly repectful fear of losing people you love is the only sane approach. That said there then comes the decision - transition is life without it you die and you have to risk everything to live period. Unfortunately there is no other way. some are luckier than others. This is not a fools game.

Kelsy

[Badtranny]

I prepared for months before my coming out and discovered that the one thing I was not prepared for was the complete and utter rejection I received from my daughter. My son who initially was accepting has turned away as well and we no longer speak. I don't get to see my grandkids grow up and it's sad Weighing the cost and having a healthly repectful fear of losing people you love is the only sane approach.

So much of what happens to us during transition is completely out of our control. To say otherwise is foolish and naive at best, elitist and self centered at worst.

[Anne2345]

Not me! I think is is wonderful to be transsexual! I get to understand what is is like to be a man and also to be a woman. I would not want it any other way.

Johanna

I wouldn't wish my emotions, fear, needs, confusion, and all-consuming obsession with gender on my worst enemy. The constant turmoil and chaos of my thoughts consistently challenge my sanity. A wicked, brutal storm wages war within my soul. My essence is bruised, battered, and bloodied. I have cried more times than I care to count. This hurts. It hurts much. I do not want this. I do not want any of this. I just want it to stop, and I want to be somebody else. I want to wake up tomorrow morning, and discover all of this has just been a bad nightmare, and that I am otherwise "normal," whatever the hell that is. I do not understand how anybody could want this, but I am happy that it works for you . . . .

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Not me! I think is is wonderful to be transsexual! I get to understand what is is like to be a man and also to be a woman. I would not want it any other way.

Johanna

If you are actually transsexual, you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one..

and you lose alot of chances to understand what its like to be a woman because you are not accepted as a woman for much of your life..

it's healthy and good to love yourself..but get real...

[Kathryn Martin]

I don't think that what you answered to my comment is mutually exclusive with what I said.

I also do not believe I suggested that people run head first into some adventure. I believe that losing everything is NOT a foregone conclusion,and if you believe it is then you defeat yourself. To ensure it is not a self fulfilling prophecy planning carefully and being really aware of your social environment seems to be a good start to me.


Very eloquent Kat, but I disagree with this line of reasoning. I'm also carefully managing my transition and it's been very successful so far but I owe that as much to luck as I do to anything else. It's true that we make our own luck most of the time, but there are things that could have gone differently if the stars aligned just so. I have not lost everything either, in fact I've lost nothing except a pathetic closeted existence, however I was indeed prepared to lose it all. I may not have LOST anything worthwhile but EVERYTHING changed. Life as you knew it changed almost completely for you and everyone else in your life, and to deny this just lends to the fantasy that the "transition" is just a few steps away. There ARE those who lose jobs, and friends, and family, and it's important that we acknowledge that reality as well as the potential for some casualties along the way. Everything I know about my transition today is 100% hindsight. When I started this journey two years ago I may as well have jumped into a well, because I had no idea what was going to happen next. I fretted, and planned, and scheduled, but I literally did not know how any of it was going to turn out. I find it hard to believe that you didn't have any fear of losing anything and/or everything on day two of coming out.

[Bree-asaurus]

If you are actually transsexual, you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one..

and you lose alot of chances to understand what its like to be a woman because you are not accepted as a woman for much of your life..

it's healthy and good to love yourself..but get real...

I have to agree here... if you are transexual, you identify as the gender opposite of your physical sex... not both.

I tried my hardest to be a guy. I learned the traits, the walk, the talk, the distance from other people... but I was just playing copycat. I never knew and I will never know what it is like to be a man.

And yup... I spent 25 years of my life trying to be a guy instead of growing up like a normal girl. So there's a HUGE part of being a girl/woman that I will never have either.

[Anna Lorree]

I tried my hardest to be a guy. I learned the traits, the walk, the talk, the distance from other people... but I was just playing copycat. I never knew and I will never know what it is like to be a man.

And yup... I spent 25 years of my life trying to be a guy instead of growing up like a normal girl. So there's a HUGE part of being a girl/woman that I will never have either.

I was talking with my therapist about this a few weeks ago. It sucks because no matter what, I can't ever really fit in anywhere, except with the other "misfits" like me. I just wish I could match and get a chance to experience what "normal" feels like.

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

This is truly an interesting comment. I think we all go through this phase that we need to see a sign of affirmation that what we think about ourselves is true. It is clear, Anna, that you fear the loss of your relationship with your wife and family and are at this time still to accommodate their "needs" over your own. We do have a certain responsibility for our social environment but so do they.

For a time I hoped that someone would diagnose a "medical condition" which would alleviate me of the responsibility to stand by me. Almost like pointing a finger and saying "it's all it's fault, if it wasn't there I would be normal".

It took me 56 years to finally say "I feel fear. I recognize it but I will no longer guided by it". I was able to do that because no matter how much you love your partner and relatives if you are dead then the whole accommodation question becomes moot. I was done accommodating the world which I had done for too long and concluded that the world owed me some accommodation back. The many years of suicidal ideation driven by a wish to "end it" could be left behind and I was finally able to end my self imposed solitude and reveal who I truly was.

I also find it interesting that you describe yourself as transsexual and not as a woman in the first instance. I see much of what I experienced in your description of how you feel. I eventually reached a point where all those crutches of medical justification , the need for diagnosis etc were left behind. I knew who I was, had know for all of my life and finally stopped fretting over it.

I am one of those who did not lose her marriage, her friends and relatives altogether. I owe this to planning, caring for those around me and understanding that how I carry myself as a human being will make the difference between acceptance and rejection. It meant understanding that my journey was into the light and theirs initially into the darkness. It meant that my friends, family, clients and colleagues were worth my investing my efforts to do this right and also do it right by them. With one exception I lost no family members but recently my dad and I re-established contact, my friends are still my friends and my colleagues and clients have followed me without exception. I do not believe that being transsexual in and of itself means that you must lose everything, or even must be prepared to lose everything. That is like saying if you want to live you must be prepared to die. It's a platitude actually. What it creates so unfortunately is the resignation before the fact, and all to often the feeling that it is futile to invest yourself in maintaining your relationships because "I must be prepared to lose everything". It is in some ways the soul being lazy.

For me the point of departure to unveiling myself as the woman I was and am, was founded on reaching a point where I could truly say I am satisfied with who I have become as a human being and I like my self.

Thank you for the moral support. One of the most frightening parts of this is that, like you say, I feel like I have to be ready to "die" in order to live. I don't want to lose all of the good in my life in order to try to access some other good. That's why I always refer to this as a lose/lose situation. :(

Anna

[Bree-asaurus]

I was talking with my therapist about this a few weeks ago. It sucks because no matter what, I can't ever really fit in anywhere, except with the other "misfits" like me. I just wish I could match and get a chance to experience what "normal" feels like.

Anna

You will know what normal feels like. It just takes time :)

[JohnH]

If you are actually transsexual, you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one..

and you lose alot of chances to understand what its like to be a woman because you are not accepted as a woman for much of your life..

it's healthy and good to love yourself..but get real...

After some thought I can't really understand how men can be like hairy apes and plain and ugly in their clothing and grooming conventions. I really hate the narrow confines of what men can do as far as clothing and grooming are concerned. I also much prefer gaining the feminine figure that women have vs. what men have. So I guess, as my wife would say, that I am not much of a man. :) So I will have to take back my saying that I am a man. I guess the only time I think of myself as a man is when I sing in the low male register (bass).

[AudreyTN]

So today I had a therapy session, today was three months. My therapist and I were talking today, and she asked me what I thought I was. I said that Harry Benjamin and a couple of peer reviewed psychologists seem to think I am at least some kind of a transsexual (that was followed by a small joke about being "kinda" pregnant). She asked me again what that means. And then I said it, it was kind of strangled, but I said, "I guess that means I am transsexual."

No offense, but I don't want to be transsexual. I want to be able to be a happy man. I want to be able to not throw my life in turmoil, and not hurt my family.

One of the things she said to me was, "OK, now what are you going to do about it?" She pointed out that I only have to go as far as I feel I need to. Still, this feels like a cruel trick being played on me. I have the perfect life! I have a great wife who is also my best friend, we have two great kids, a nice house, I have a good job that provides for us on one income. Why in hell would I want to go and do something like being transsexual? I could lose all of that! Sometimes I feel like Job in the Old Testament.

Then she asked what I wanted to do, how far I wanted to go. I answered honestly and told her that how far I go is going to depend on what my wife does, at least for as long as possible. If she stays, I will do as little as I can live with. If she leaves, I will go as far as feels right.

I want to match, and I don't like feeling like my body is wrong. At the same time, I don't want to lose those that I love, or the good things I have built up over half of my life. I'm tired of being yanked in both directions, I'm tired of feeling incomplete and empty, I'm tired of having to hide who I am, I'm tired of living a lie. Why do all the big decisions have to be lose/lose?

Anna

It sounds to me like you just need to take some time to yourself and figure things out. You sound very burdened and troubled, and when that happens, it's best to go find a nice long nature trail to hike, collect your thoughts, do something fun you enjoy, like photography or writing a personal journal, or whatever it may be, relax, get your mind off your troubles, breathe, meditate, or just find some form of peaceful serenity and find what it is in your life that you want for YOU.

if you're married to someone you love, obviously there is trust and compassion. If that person loves you, then they will accept you for you, and accept your decision. The best thing you can do to help them ease the shock is to be prepared to answer questions, print off some informative information so they can read about your condition and options, then discuss it with them. If they walk away, then they dont really love you for who you are inside, they're only interested in what you look like and it's all superficially based, and you deserve better than that. If she understands and loves you, she will stick by your side whatever you decide, and it may take a bit for her to come around, because I'm sure the initial shock will take some time to wear off.

be true to yourself though. if you can't be true to yourself, then you're not living for you, and you can have a wife, and kids and a house, and things and money, but it won't bring you the happiness you seek. you might be happy with those things or people, but being happy for yourself and with yourself is an entirely different thing.

Life is wonderful, crazy, terrible, cruel, miraculous, amazing, depressing and joyous vicious thing, it's a roller coaster, and it doesn't play fair, at the end of the day the only one you have to answer to is the person looking back in the mirror and the man upstairs (God). (and no I'm not saying you shouldn't be responsible to your children, house and financial obligations, because you should).

[Anna Lorree]

It sounds to me like you just need to take some time to yourself and figure things out. You sound very burdened and troubled, and when that happens, it's best to go find a nice long nature trail to hike, collect your thoughts, do something fun you enjoy, like photography or writing a personal journal, or whatever it may be, relax, get your mind off your troubles, breathe, meditate, or just find some form of peaceful serenity and find what it is in your life that you want for YOU.

if you're married to someone you love, obviously there is trust and compassion. If that person loves you, then they will accept you for you, and accept your decision. The best thing you can do to help them ease the shock is to be prepared to answer questions, print off some informative information so they can read about your condition and options, then discuss it with them. If they walk away, then they dont really love you for who you are inside, they're only interested in what you look like and it's all superficially based, and you deserve better than that. If she understands and loves you, she will stick by your side whatever you decide, and it may take a bit for her to come around, because I'm sure the initial shock will take some time to wear off.

be true to yourself though. if you can't be true to yourself, then you're not living for you, and you can have a wife, and kids and a house, and things and money, but it won't bring you the happiness you seek. you might be happy with those things or people, but being happy for yourself and with yourself is an entirely different thing.

Life is wonderful, crazy, terrible, cruel, miraculous, amazing, depressing and joyous vicious thing, it's a roller coaster, and it doesn't play fair, at the end of the day the only one you have to answer to is the person looking back in the mirror and the man upstairs (God). (and no I'm not saying you shouldn't be responsible to your children, house and financial obligations, because you should).

Thank you, you actually sum things up pretty well.

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

You will know what normal feels like. It just takes time :)

I so hope so...

Anna

[Debb]

I want to thank all who've participated in this discussion thus far. I've been keeping a file of notes-n-quotes to help me along this journey, and I've had to copy nearly this entire thread!

[Badtranny]

I don't think that what you answered to my comment is mutually exclusive with what I said.
I also do not believe I suggested that people run head first into some adventure. I believe that losing everything is NOT a foregone conclusion,and if you believe it is then you defeat yourself. To ensure it is not a self fulfilling prophecy planning carefully and being really aware of your social environment seems to be a good start to me.

Hmmmm, we're picking nits on this as we are very close philosophically. I'm never a proponent of expecting to fail so I think that's an important point, but I think it's equally important for someone to be aware that transitioning changes your life and for better or worse, most of those changes will be a surprise. I hate to argue with you because I respect you and pretty much agree with you except for this one little point. I just feel like your first post was unrealistically optimistic and I don't think it would serve Anna very well (or anyone else) to begin imagining that maybe transitioning isn't so risky after all. Those of us that have not suffered any major losses, job, family, spouse, need to at least acknowledge that very real possibility.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Unrealistic expectations...both positive and negative can have a magnified impact on us because we tend to have lower self esteem, and our situation has such an unfair Risk/reward ratio...

In my worst days, I spent alot of time seeking out people to help me or guide me...I met all kinds of people with all kinds of viewpoints..(btw..for the most part..people said...don't transition unless you have to)...

and in the end it was up to ME ME ME ME....and learning that it was up to ME ME ME was a very difficult thing...

I'm so delighted with the transition part of my experience, the things I lost were the things i assigned lowest priority in my transition... but i was lucky..my experience was around my particulars...i had a number of advantages that were blessings for me, especially the financial ability to get what i wanted, and more importantly small hands ..heh

Most are not so lucky and based on my personal experience with people i've actually met and got to know, I would be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE saying that things "will work out fine" to anybody embarking on transition, because in my experience, lots of times they dont..

to me that leads me to the same place that all my "mentors" were, don't transition unless you have to

...but if you have to , go for it with all the positive energy, all your wits, all your inner strength, and all your money and do your best to maximize your transitions ability to improve your quality of life...be prepared to lose everything you hold dear, but do your damnedest to keep everything you hold dear..

Learning to love yourself, and to believe that feeling like a human being is a good thing is MUCH MUCH more important than counting up your gains and losses anyway.. and if you love yourself and you fully accept that you allowed to feel like you are a person, that you are allowed to express your true self for better or worse, than you are gonna be in a better position to deal with the barrage of bad things that are going to hit you head on ..

[LeaP]

... you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one...

I have never understood this and struggle to provide things (e.g., including to my wife) that I just don't get. Sometimes I'm thick as a brick - I never really tied some of these blind spots to gender. They have become so obvious I don't know I could have missed it.

Lea

[Kaitlyn Michele]

....I never really tied some of these blind spots to gender. They have become so obvious I don't know I could have missed it.

Lea

Lea, I said this EXACT same thing.... PLUS i crossdressed constantly for 40 years... but when i wasn't crossdressing there was a giant brick wall in my mind and i could look at a cd or ts person and i felt the same transphobia that lots of cisgender people..
THEY were THEM, and I was different than THEM

to this day, that surprises me...

i can report to you that after a year or two, outside of this forum, none of this is even a tiny factor in my life...i have masculine and feminine characteristics, i have male and female "learned" qualities, and i totally get where i fit in the world..its just strange

[Badtranny]

...but if you have to , go for it with all the positive energy, all your wits, all your inner strength, and all your money and do your best to maximize your transitions ability to improve your quality of life...be prepared to lose everything you hold dear, but do your damnedest to keep everything you hold dear..

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