fear, discovery, denial, coming to terms, acceptance, fear

[emmicd]

it seems i have come full circle. i feared i was different. i knew i was a girl inside. i came to that discovery as a young kid. i started crossdressing at 5 but i felt i was supposed to be a girl at age 9-10. i denied it for so long and just threw myself into sports. i was a decent shortstop for my junior and senior hs baseball teams. i was a dedicated long distance runner and i was a recreational snow skier. i was into proving my male side and i was tough despite my yearning to be feminine. i finally came to terms with it and accepted that i am a crossdresser with ts tendancies. now i am fearing that i am ts and that is difficult because my life is pretty well defined as a family man and a career man. i have come full circle and realize though i am a girl on the inside i will always be a boy on the outside.

[RADER]

I believe there is 100's here that could say the same thing.
I was "Dressing" at a very early age, Mother caught me a few times.
At first, it was joked upon, later it was frowned upon, still later,
well lets say I could not sit down for a while.
It was when I was in the service, that I realized that I wanted to
wear woman clothes as often as I could.
I got married, about 2 years after the service, But the wife did not see
me in a dress as something she could live with. So divorced after 9
years of marriage.
I lived alone for about 15 years, dressing when I could, working like a dog
to pay the bills, Finlay met a girl, who is OK with my dressing, am answer
to my prayers. We have been married for 18 years.
Do I want to Transition, Not relay, Besides I am to big to be a girl, Just
not petite in any way. Big hands, Shoulders, Legs, Big everything. So I will stay
in the closet, besides I like the closet in my own way.
Rader

[Traci Elizabeth]

Welcome to the club - you are far from being alone.

I would recommend you seek the services of a Psychiatrist to really help you access what is coming on and to determine if there are other issues that have affect these feeling you are having.

[CINDYO]

a family man you are, and a family man you will be:) only seems right at this point.

[Inna]

I have no idea of your age but beware, transition can bring such results even doubtful turn believers! Simply never too late :)

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Emmi,

You will find many of us in the TS forum can identify with how you felt as a child growing up. Like you, I ran and hid from the reality of who I was whilst I was growing up. Those of us who were born inthe stone age of computing just didn't have access to the information that would have told us we were not freaks nor alone in the world.

I feel for your dilemma, having established yourself as a family man, you want to accept the responsibility for the family that you have created yet you know inside that this is not who you are. I'm sorry that there are no easy answers for your situation. Have you sought help from a qualified gender specialist to see clearly what you need to do both in the short term and in the longer term? Is your wife aware of your dressing? Can you still find comfort in dressing?

Always is a long time - 10 years ago I might have said like you that I would always be a man on the outside, but in the end the only way that could have been true is if I had ended my life during my depression a few years ago. So please take heart, things can get better.

[Noemi]

Thanks for writing today. That is pretty much my story too. I am a college level althlete...I was even a competitive power lifter for a while. I wish I had no developed all those muscles now LOL.

You have all my compassion sweetie. I know it is difficult to feel so Fem and then look in the mirror at a man. When I dress it feels right and I relax.....
It is easy to convince ourselves that in our actions we can change who we are inside. To a degree we have succeeded in creating the kind of life we see ourself in. Its just, and I know you know this, the feminine feelings never depart. I still am running from this but I run less now, I am still a single guy..If I had a family I would do my best for them like you are. Good Job!

I recently was in a relationship with GG and threw my cd'ing stuff away. I was sure that I was going to be a man for her, and stop all this complicated dress up stuff BUT when the relationship got rocky, and she turned out to be a disappointing little frost queen, back to being a girl I went. I never left anyway......
I look at gay couples and Transexuals and say I could never be them, and as of now I am not perceived as such.......But how I feel is different. I have been under dressing for a decade(aware that I am a girl inside as you put it since I was 5 or so), consistently and sleep in a night gown with breast forms and well....you get what I am saying and I still look in the mirror and say no way that is a dude looking back at me, well it is.

Anyway I do not want to ramble its late. But when I dress up I look in the mirror and Gina looks back(Filomena too LOL, I have a few names)and then something magical happens and I am happy. But now I am wanting to go further...BUT I have a career that I love and this anchors me for now. Good luck to you. Keep thinking and talking about your feelings, ask for help and you will receive it.

[emmicd]

Thank you all for your wonderful and insightful comments. I really appreciate it. I am sometimes feeling like I am between two stations in life and my wisdom tells me that dressing is fine even if it is my big secret and I don't venture out dressed. I have all these beautiful clothes that I can only wear in secret. I admit I am a cd and a ts but I am also a husband and a father and those dictate the life I lead. I am conflicted and sometimes feel like I am selfish in my thoughts and need to buy womens clothes but the truth of the matter is that I am happy when I am cross dressed and I feel perfectly natural in womens clothes. I even go to work in a dress that is my "under dressing" I am dressed in male clothing on the outside but womens clothing on the inside. This is my life metaphor. woman on the inside, man on the outside. It is all very confusing to me but I seem to be getting by. I am not sure how long I have to live but I will probably die with womens clothes on underneath my male clothing and when I am found out at least I will not have to explain it.