Inviting Lonliness

[LeaP]

I find that as I continue down the path of therapy that I'm feeling intensely lonely. Maybe "alone" is better than "lonely." I find sustenance, support, wisdom, and experience in this forum, but I'm also very conscious that when I walk into the therapist's office, it's just me. That when I've escaped to a room somewhere to stop the reeling from dysphoria, it's just me. My journal is about me and how I relate to the world. That every action I'm taking potentially alienates others and may leave just me. That my day-to-day, real world does not include allow any sharing of the burden with anyone in any real way.

I'm not dismissing emotional support, which is critically important. It's more that this path forces me to take steps entirely on my own initiative. And I've realized how much I've avoided that my entire life. To act in one's own behalf is for every action to become a potential confrontation with those whose lives we are entangled. Like initiative, I've avoided confrontation throughout my life with everything in me. No more, I think, but not for confrontation's sake, but my own.

Somehow, I don't mind. I'm afraid of what may happen, should things continue in their present direction, but the self examination and growing determinism is just starting to feel affirming. Patterns have changed. I still get knocked down, but find myself undamaged. I have reactions and get depressed, but it now fades in days as if by magic where it once gripped me for months. I have some hope, though I'm not hoping for anything specific.

It's odd feeling. It's lonely. But it's OK.

But check back in next week! I may be suicidal again. In the meantime, it really does feel like things are slowly getting ... better? different? Or something.

Lea

[Julia_in_Pa]

Lea,

This is the time that loving yourself enough to do what is necessary comes into play.
At first I was extremely lonely until I learned to be my own best friend during transition and beyond.
I figured that I was my own worst enemy for so long that it was high time I apologized to myself and started holding my own hand.

The key is to fully and completely surrender yourself to the process of transition and everything that goes with it both good and bad in which to become whole and complete.
You have to stop living for others and start to live for you if you expect to walk this walk.
Lea, I said I would always tell you what I believe is what you need to do without fear of making you upset or angry and I always will.
I'm here sister.


Julia

[kimdl93]

Lea, when I was going through a very painful divorce, I spoke with my widowed mother about how she'd coped with loneliness. Her comment was that there was a difference between loneliness and solitude. You can be alone without feeling lonely and even learn to relish periods of solitude.

[suzy1]

Lea, you probably know me quite well by now. [That little debate we had last week?]

So the realist in me sees life as something where we get help and encouragement from others but at the end of the day it’s up to us to help ourselves. If help is critically important to you then you are only just in control of your life. [Not good]

As you know I don’t avoid confrontation but meet it head on. A strength I think?
It sounds like what you are saying is ‘I am beginning to stand on my own two feet’ Or another way of putting it is, ‘you are growing stronger’
This sounds good to me and it’s likely that you will come out of this a much stronger person.

Thought for the day……….turning from lonely into a loner. A strong person that likes people but does not need them to be happy and strong.

All the best, SUZY

[Ally 2112]

I spend about 90% of my time alone (except for work and my friends ) .I do this because out of being alone comes my freedom to be me .

[Becoming Brianna]

Hi lea


The pain doesn't reside anyplace it moves, sometimes slowly but it moves and to a brighter day.

This is so beautiful and true... Always remember this...

[Kelsy]

Lea,

I seems to me that lonliness is the common condition of human kind. Some become excessively social to fend off feelings of lonliness
Co dependent people are so affraid of being alone they will maintain damaging relationships to avoid the feeling. The human longing to belong
is one of survival. You are blessed if you can be alone and be secure with yourself. Personally for me there is a fine line between lonliness and solitude.
Solitude is a gateway to the spiritual!

Kelsy

[LeaP]

God help me ... lonely, alone, lonely ... or alone?

My OP was about learning to act independently without so much fear. It's embarrassing to admit at my age that I've done so little of this. I wrote of "normal" loneliness turning to a less negative "alone" in connection with this.

The loneliness, however, appears to run deeper and is more fundamental, which became apparent to me this morning. (Therapist and meditation ... ) It's more an aspect or consequence of living inside myself. It literally (correct usage in this case) feels like I'm inside myself. And no-one gets there. It's the inner circles of inner circles. It's very hard to stay in the present, but that's how I got there. As I write this, I can't evoke it. I have my day-to-day sense of inner self. There were other feelings associated with this as well that I would not write of in the public forum. Beats me what I'll do with any of this.

I have to say that putting things out like this on the forum is proving to be a source of steady triggers.

Lea

[KellyJameson]

If you are experiencing what I think you are this is the existential loneliness of childhood, those moments of terror that the mind tries to forget but cannot, the more you have of them the more you separate from yourself in an attempt to escape the experience of ones own mind just as we attempt to escape physical pain.

The small boy surrounded by a gang of boys or even one boy who has the advantage and is able to terrorize. The parent standing over the child screaming,slapping,punching,ect...
The monster in the closet or under the bed. The scary dog that chases us and or bites us. Childhood is terrifying, particularly for boys who usually do not benefit from the protections given girls. All those moments that we were in mortal terror but did not have the words or understanding of what was happening, much like being on a plane as an adult that is going down and you think is going to crash, utterly helpless.

For those who have enough of these moments strategies are devised to make sure they do not happen again, one way is following the practice of safety in numbers even if that number is only one in the form of a S.O.

I think sensitive boys (absence of physical aggression as a territorial response) become targets by boys who were born with this animal violence, it is primal. The structure of the mind/brain of those who have this sensitivity also can experience gender dysporia. I think on some level gender dysporia is an absence of something primitive and animal like that is necessary to become more fully male. In my case anyway it is and was very much an absence of something that stopped me from becoming a boy, strangely I feel very lucky for this but in my case I'm such an extreme expression that I did not feel a split between two selves but rejected the world to remain me so lonliness became my protector and I only felt unsafe among people, never by myself and had to learn how to re-enter society.

As you step back into past memories the first experience may be those forgotten terrors that will be "triggered", panic attacks or other forms of anxiety are not uncommon. If you can move beyond the shame of feeling cowardly because this shame is both the shame felt originally as a child and the adult shame of being afraid of the formless so it seems "irrational" and you than feel foolish your mind will open and you will be able to match the emotions to the memories and make friends with it. It is very much being scared silly of a monster under the bed but finally wanting to be free of the fear that you look under the bed and confront the fear.

Much depends on finding that genuine humility to accept suffering and death but still choose life.

Let go of expectations and do not treat yourself like a machine that needs to be fixed, more than anything it is about giving yourself permission to be human, it is easy to spend ones life trying to earn the love we did not get as children, most of us if not everybody does this to some point in there lives as a reaction to the rejections and abandonments of childhood because in childhood it does not take much to feel rejected or abandoned, we are after all largely helpless and dependant on others.

You sound stronger,You are on the right path in my opinion.

[LeaP]

Lea it's very hard to read your thoughts in post #9

what do you mean "source of steady triggers"" What is your interpretation of the word triggers in this sense?
When talking meditation one could surmise this as well "We can not point to us, we can only point to parts of us" so "There is no you"

So if there is no "you" then it is impossible to be lonely but only within our emotions. So if we can check our emotions then that should be the key to a happier life.

Being in the present, is almost impossible for the average person. It takes years of hard training to achieve this state. It only makes sense that you can't evoke a state of presents while you are engaged in doing some distracting action. When you are dressed and feeling as female as you can you would have a better chance at being in the present as you are using as many senses as possible and all of them firing at once.

Vanessa,

This was a very discerning response. I probably deserve it to a degree for writing in stream of consciousness fashion rather than in my more usual clinical fashion. The post was obtuse.

"Triggers" refers to insights that become thematic realizations. Important things that become noticed as patterns. I used the word "trigger" because the core concept is often a jumping-off point to yet more insight. Some of these have been suggested in therapy. Others found by journalling and other means. The forum become a source of such triggers because writing clarifies my thinking and experience - in turn directing my attention and bringing yet more insight. I also find the responses here very, very helpful.

Checking emotion is dangerous. I AM a pretty empty shell most of the time, because of checking emotion. I believe Julia was closer to the real need when she suggested forgetting balance and wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I agree with your comments about being in the present. I'm not looking for nirvana, just a "normal" degree of living in the here and now. I have precious little of that. Dressing never did bring me there. It provided a sort of zoned out experience for the longest time, but that's not what I mean, nor what I need. I need to have enough reality in my feelings and reactions to qualify as living in genuine fashion.

Thank you for prompting me to clarify.

Lea

[emmicd]

Lea,
We all struggle with feelings of loneliness, shyness, insecurity, sadness and sometimes depression. It is part of the human condition.
We also have the power to find happiness and comfort in our life.
When we feel overwhelmed or need a helping hand we must seek help.
We must not feel all alone at these times because we may feel things are hopeless and then we may think of things we shouldn't such as ideations of suicide.
I know because I have been there and it is not good.
I am trying to be focussed and strong in my mind so I can carry on and be supportive to my family and to find a way to express who I am.
It is important that you recognize your need to address your personal challenges.
I know what it is like to be shy, I know what it is like to be transgendered, I know what it is like to be a crossdresser, I know what it is like to feel alone, I know what it is like to lose someone close to you. I know what it is like to have a family. I know what it is like to have others depending on you. I know what it id like to feel depressed. I know what it is like to feel frustrated. I know what it is like when you realize you need help. I am trying to explore my own issues of tg/cd and it is not easy. I also tend to feel the need to express my femininity and not supress it anymore. The whole idea of supressing who we are is not healthy and yet we are forced to do it because society does not allow us to dress in a way we feel we need to. We are also walking a fine line with our family and friends. It is a terrible burden and we are very unsure because of what we have learned due to our conditioning.
you have made an important step ny keeping a journal and taalking to a therapist. I too am in the same situation and I am feeling the same things you are. It is important to learn from others and understand that we all will have something going on. Unfortunately not many understand what being transgendered is and what we feel and what we go through. I wish it was simple enough to just put a dress on, makeup, an appropriate hairstyle and nice shoes and just go out and live. We are not at this stage of acceptance and the only way we can do this is at a young age. Young TG children may have a better chance to explore and find the opportunity to dress if they have a supportive family, medical community and schools that accept transgender. For our society we are certainly way behind in issues like this and it is so unfortunate. It is important that a movement comes about so future tg will have better chance to not feel all alone and struggle. Life is for living and being who you are. I will be happier to face the world as a tg in a dress and not have to hide it anymore. This is why I need to speak my feelings, seek therapy which I am now doing and find others who feel like me.
Good Luck to you!
emmi

[LeaP]

It is a terrible burden and we are very unsure because of what we have learned due to our conditioning.

That's a major part of the difficulty. What you've learned and incorporated into your life IS a part of you, but may not live in you happily or harmoniously. Figuring out which things are learned, yet not natural to your nature, is not an easy thing. I'm unsure of many things right now.

In a way, I'm using emotion as a self-corrective mechanism. Feelings and conflicts are primal. They indicate issues, but not their nature. Feel a conflict - search for the source. Try a course change - see how I feel. Doing this deliberately, continuously, is a sea change. Essentially, by acting outside of my normal patterns, I'm moving blindly. That's how the sense of aloneness is being evoked.

It is yielding self-understanding, slowly.

Lea