Difficulty having the big "O"

[kymberlyjean]

I've looked around and haven't seen any threads on this, but I hope there are some of you that maybe can offer insight. There are plenty of discussions on loss or lack of sex drive or desire, but this is not my situation. Lately I have been having trouble climaxing. No problem "getting it up" or performing, just going forever and ever without the big payoff.
Here is the start to finish: (and I wish I could finish!)
I have been crossdressing since I was a teenager, and I am now 38. Most of the time, dressing always ended in masturbation and orgasm. My sexual desire and drive outside of dressing has always been very high too, and I've never had any problems. Over the last couple years I had a GF who tolerated the dressing but hated any sexual aspect of it so I pretty much suppressed the associated sexual desires during that time, but resumed business as usuall after we broke up. We for the most part had a normal sexual relationship with no problems.
Last year I met a wonderful woman who knows about and doesn't care that I dress and even understands and tried to facilitate the sexual desires for a release when I dress. I love her very much and am very turned on by her any time we are together. My sexual drive and desire have not deminished one single bit. My problem is that about half the time we make love, I have trouble having an orgasm and we give up before I get off. I've never been this way befor and it's extremely frustrating. The first few times I thought maybe it was because we fooled around so often that I simply had "run dry" so to speak. Now that the newness of the relationship has wore off and life is catching back up, I still run about 50/50. Dressing seems to somewhat improve it, but it still takes forever to cross the finish line.
I've read a little online about it and all I've really been able to come up with is that it's probably a mental block, which I don't entirely understand because she turns me on SO MUCH!!
I'm in otherwise good health, taking no meds or hormones, but I have packed on a few pounds recently which is screwing with my self esteem somewhat. I'm under a little added stress from work and financial issues, but that had all developed AFTER the problem.
Anyone with similar experience before I go try to explain all this to my doctor?

Thanks

[Barbara Ella]

OK, here is the first obvious response. You are just too much of a stud, and are meant to be in it for the long haul, something most women would pray for.

having gotten that off my chest, I feel the mental thing is a prime candidate. At 65, I am on the other end, and having trouble with the first part, and wife is not sure if she wants the little blue pill or not. talk about a low blow to your ego!! I think it may have something to do with the recent revelation of my dressing, but who knows.

Please give it some time. Go on a diet to lose those few pounds. Try to get the stress relieved a little (even though AFTER, they still contribute now). Try to enjoy the 50% you are happy with, and think about those times. Mental pictures go a long way in helping overall performance. I won't go so far as to say you need to keep a little black book, but mental notes can help recall the good times.

Babes

[Vickie_CDTV]

Some people finish quicker than others, but if this is a new problem for you, make sure you talk to a doctor about it. It could be a sign of a serious medical problem, it may not be, but it could be, best to have everything checked. Try not to be too hard on yourself about it, it is hard not to, but that just makes it worse.

There is at least one medication I am aware of that they prescribe for this and really works for some people (someone I know told me eventually it radically sped up his time to climax and radically increased its intensity), so if everything else fails there may be a medical option.

[GBJoker]

I love playing devil's advocate.

Ever consider just giving up on having a climax thingy at all? Maybe it'll happen one day and surprise ya.

[serious business]Also, if the weight thing messes with your self-esteems that much, I highly suggest getting rid of the weight in any healthy way possible (NOT starving, that actually makes ya gain weight). My some what limited understanding is that the whole confidence stuff can mess with sex related....... stuff.

Also, again, from my limited understanding, you are gonna have to find a way to get rid of the stress. Obviously, quitting your job is dumb. But... When you and the SO have a day off, hit the movie theater, or picnic, or whatever, to make ya forget about everything else. And I mean... Truly, deeply, FORGET about everything else. I play video games.[/serious business]

[Sarah Welch]

Try a little prostate message while having sex, boy will that get your attention!!!!lol

[sterling12]

Well, I suspect The Mods are going to shut this one down pretty quickly. But before they do, although you look pretty young have you had your Testosterone Levels checked?

That's one thing that COULD be causing your problem. You probably need to be talking to A Doc. It could be Psychological, but it could also be something physical.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[KaTanya]

You're in a very good (dare I say "perfect") relationship and you don't want to let go... and it's translating into the bedroom (or kitchen, or living room, or the bleachers at the football field...)

once you're totally comfortable with the relationship, you'll be able to let go (and that will translate to wherever.)

[Sophie_C]

For what this seems, it has nothing to do with crossdressing. If she TRULY turns you on (double check yourself on that), then you're just feeling more pressure than usual because she turns you on so much, and that an make itself harder to perform. It's like someone choking up when they need to give a big speech. There are ways to fix that, but I don't know, since I haven't experienced it. Can anyone chime in on that?

The only time I couldn't perform was either (a) wasn't turned on enough by her or (b) there was too much artificial pressure due to the relationship being damaged from the start, both having nothing to do with your situation.

[jaye_cd]

I've been going through a similar phase in my life. Nobody on the planet turns me on as much as my SO, and the past few months I just haven't been able to "close the deal" . I discussed everything with my doctor a few weeks ago, and between the stress of my job, and slightly low testosterone levels, he's got me on a prescription and new diet/exercise regime. It has made a world of difference!

[kymberlyjean]

Thank you all so far. To try to answer what's been asked:
She does enjoy the longevity, and does climax -alot, but enough is enough sometimes. She is concerned though and worries about me. She's never voiced that she worries about my sexuality or questions if I love her, but those are the things I worry about her worrying about, which I guess is added pressure. I guess the entire reason I posted here at all is because I worry about it being related to crossdressing and that's freaking me out too. the frequency of my dressing has gone way down since we've been together (because I am choosing to focus my attention in other areas right now)and there have been some other big changes too. I guess when I put it all down like this it sounds like I'm putting a tremendous amount of pressure on myself. I did have my testosterone checked a year or two ago when all the low T clinics started popping up, but I went to my family doctor instead of one one them and he said I was fine. I realize alot could change in that amount of time though.

[Tamara Croft]

Well, I suspect The Mods are going to shut this one down pretty quickly.

What for? it's not sexually explicit and it's a genuine issue... :strugglin

I found this link, have a read of it :)

http://goaskalice.columbia.edu/endless-endurance-no-orgasm

'nother one :)

http://www.steadyhealth.com/Why_does_it_take_me_so_long_to_orgasm__t185794.htm l

Seems it's quite common.

[Shari]

I know what you're going through.
It's not a medical problem. The answer lies between your ears and it's like a snowball rolling down a hill.
The more you think about it, the more pressure you put on yourself and the less likely you are to finding your goal and the larger the snowball becomes. I also understand the games your own mind is playing with itself. Your thoughts actually desensitize you. The brain is a powerful thing.
Until you can just let go and simply enjoy it will continue. Taking a few days off would help.
Don't overanalyze yourself.
When the time arrives again, just relax and enjoy the ride.

[mscatie85]

I had no idea this was such a common problem among men (let alone those of us who cross dress). Knowing this makes seeing my doctor that much easier and less embarrassing. Thank you all for posting here, especially to you Kymberlyjean for posting this topic.

[Laura912]

Based on general medical tenants, the higher probability cause is psychological. You were wise to go to your family physician for the T level instead of one of the "clinics." Try the following: for one week, enjoy some close time with your SO but do not make sex the goal or any intimacy. For the second week, add intimacy in the form of touching or whatever else develops but again actual intercourse is to be omitted. For the third week, go beyond the intimacy of the second week to the extent that if your SO reaches a climax, then stop, relax, and call it a day. The fourth week, repeat the third week, and see what happens. Keep a diary which will be helpful if you go see a physician. Now, about the physician. Most are not trained in sexual dysfunction so you may need a referral from your family MD.

[Kristyn Hill]

I don't have a solution but good luck!

[Piora]

Well, I suspect The Mods are going to shut this one down pretty quickly. But before they do, although you look pretty young have you had your Testosterone Levels checked?
Why would they....this is a genuine problem by one of our members. As long as it doesn't get unnecessarily graphic, there's no reason for them to do so.


That's one thing that COULD be causing your problem. You probably need to be talking to A Doc. It could be Psychological, but it could also be something physical.

Peace and Love, Joanie
You're correct, Joanie. That's good advice. It could be anything from stress to prostate problems. A visit to the doctor would at least eliminate some of the possibilities.

Up until about 2 years ago, crossdressing was very sexual for me. It no longer is, and although my libido has lessened over the last 6 years or so, I am still very capable. However, I cannot compare myself to Kimberlyjean's problem, as I have not had a relationship for a very long time, and I don't know if there would be issues with intimacy with a partner.

Definitely have yourself checked out, Kimberlyjean - it could be something that's correctable....and you'll be able to get back to normal again.

[sterling12]

Since you all asked, (anyway, three of you did). Often, it doesn't stay at one level and somebody will get explicit. Then, as Tamara certainly knows; The Thread gets closed. But, you all are right. So far, it hasn't gone down like that, and I was anticipating. Each Mod is different, and how they react and "interpret" can be different. So, I stand corrected....I shall never anticipate again!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[ReineD]

It's called Orgasmic Disorder. Some women have it too. Here's a pretty good resource:

http://www.minddisorders.com/Kau-Nu/Male-orgasmic-disorder.html#b

[whowhatwhen]

How do I put this...

Do you, um, errr... Does mario jump out of the pipes? But he can't feel anything?
Damnit bad analogy...

I'm going to guess it's a mental block, I've got one too and have been anorgasmic for over 5 years now.
I wish you good luck.

:)

[Leelou]

Try a little prostate message while having sex, boy will that get your attention!!!!lol

x2. And also a massage of the base of the unit, down under the scrotum can help with the happy ending. I apologize if this is too graphic, but the OP asked for help.

[Misti]

Lately I have been having trouble climaxing. No problem "getting it up" or performing, just going forever and ever without the big payoff.... Anyone with similar experience before I go try to explain all this to my doctor? Thanks

Well, Kymberly, there is one definitely positive aspect of your temporary "situation," I feel. But, that is only if your partner "loves to make love for extended periods of time," get my drift here?

This may actually be a "Heaven sent" gift in disguise for her? When you "relax" and "Try to Please 'Her' Better" (remember Yoda's "Try or try not"), you may see the world better through her eyes. Besides, isn't that what you're 'Trying" to do as a CD; be, think, look, act like a woman? Geez, sweetheart, you're thinking like a "Man" you're only thinking with the "little head," that's all.

Love her till she hollars, "Aunt!" Look at it ths way, "You have a gift now!" Just remember this truism; "when a man has an orgasm, he just rolls over and starts snoring. This is "Love" time, girl. Love time. You'll have gillions, gagillions of orgasms, you'e got 30-40+ years of "Glory" ahead of you yet! Just relax and enjoy every single 'bouncing" moment of it. Life is too short! Gawd how I envy you Stud! Whew! It's mighty hot in here!

Now, where did I put my fan? :daydreaming:

[Inna]

Hi hon, seems that instead of a mental block you actually have unblocked what was there forever but denied to surface because of....well.....denial! It is often prescribed during analysis of a transgender patient to administer low dosages of Tblocker to uncover non sexual core of gender. What I see here is that over the course of denial and non or little of acceptance of your desires by partners only until you have finally found someone sympathetic to your needs did denial finally give in and truth is slowly surfacing.

By accepting and even helping in release of what you thought dressing was associated with, your partner allowed your true self to finally come forth and uncover that sexuality does not tie into your desire to dress, that you dress because of other reasons..........she sort of became a tblocker in the equation.

This is my personal however educated view, and please don't take it literally if you do not feel it being close to what you feel. It's just an opinion after all :)

[Leyna]

I had a similar problem, but it was related to my anti-depression meds. I could go for hours. And yes, it sounds like a great problem, but trust me, it isn't. Got to the point where I even faked it a time or two. I would go back to the doctor (though not the family doctor). Someone who specializes in this area. There's nothing more frustrating than THINKING it's all in your head, when in fact it is physical or chemical. No amount of "taking the pressure off yourself" will fix that.

[JustineFallow]

I had a similar problem, but it was related to my anti-depression meds. I could go for hours. And yes, it sounds like a great problem, but trust me, it isn't. Got to the point where I even faked it a time or two. I would go back to the doctor (though not the family doctor). Someone who specializes in this area. There's nothing more frustrating than THINKING it's all in your head, when in fact it is physical or chemical. No amount of "taking the pressure off yourself" will fix that.

I was originally going to post something that would have read exactly like this. Ah, the joys of Paxil!

For the OP: You've already ruled out meds, so I can't speak further. However, I'm curious as to whether or not you've had an orgasm in this state, but without "delivering the payload". In men, the two are thought of as the same thing, but they're not, and I understand that achieving that separation is a goal of Tantric sex. I've experienced it exactly once (that I can remember): Feeling the release, mental/emotional/etc., but not physical, while my partner (a-HEM!) enjoyed herself several times. This was when I first started with the meds, mind.

[Shelly K]

Hi, Kymberlyjean, we met once a the MCDC group meeting in Dallas a couple of years ago when you were dating your last GF. I understand your current problem and I have an idea, at least as to how I have had to deal with this type of thing. Feel free to send me a private message. I think I saw that you are now married, congratulations.

Shelly

[Alice Torn]

At 57, and on antidepressants for 20 years, my libido has truly died, or gone way far off. Dressing used to end in "you know what", but almost never nowdays. It is ok. God never meant for people to be sex addicts, all their lives, and the population would be billions more, if He had. I know longer have any libido, but that is ok. There is more to love and life, than orgasms, even though it would be nice to have a bit more energy that way. I tried herbal formulas, and they made me a nervous, shaking wreck, with brain doing barrel rolls! Almost killed me.