Fear and Doubt

[Becoming Brianna]

Lots running through my mind recently... Sometimes I really wish I could unplug and turn it off for a little while so that I can just live my life... I have been visited by a lot of emotions in the past few days, often conflicting and total opposite of each other... One moment I am at one pole, the next I have slid to the opposite side... I have already cried as many times this week (counting from Wednesday) as I did last week... I saw a video posted in a thread on this forum about a TS singer from Thailand who had been accepted by the judges because of her talents... I cried profusely for a few minutes, and did not know the reason why... Was it the beauty of the moment, the fact that she had found acceptance, or the fact that the beatings she had suffered at the hands of her father over her transsexuality felt similar to the beatings I had given myself emotionally over these issues?

I was reminded of a dream I had had shortly before Thanksgiving... If you will pardon the aside, I will explain it...

I had no body in this dream at the start and was led into a giant house... When I got inside I passed the servants' quarters and a beautiful servant girl with black hair and brown eyes cast a penetrating look at me... There was nothing sexual in the look at all, it was as if she was staring into my soul... As if she knew me... I then found myself in her room having no idea how I got there... Shortly thereafter, the master of the house bursts in and accused her of having stolen something... She was blameless, but, enraged, he began to slap her viciously, each slap harder than the first... Though I was but a disembodied spirit at this time, I felt the pain seize me with each slap and I became dizzy and sick as she collapsed to the floor and died I felt as though that might be my fate, but then I woke up and saw nothing more of that dream... I began to wonder who I was in the dream... Was I the man? Was I the servant girl? Did the man represent society? I have recently come to the conclusion rightly or wrongly that I was both the man and the woman in the dream and that the dream symbolized conflict but one side will eventually have to win out (though the female had died I could still feel her essence emanating from her body)... My male self was trying to kill my female self rather than allow her to come up from her position of servitude and live a full life... It was at this time that I began to push harder to explore my gender issues more thoroughly (but this attempt was met with refusal by my parents who have since relented a bit as I have said in previous posts)... I began to wonder which was my false self, and which was my true self and reached the tentative conclusion that any true self would not have to act violently against another in order to affirm its place... I felt that it may have been my male self desperately trying to hold onto control... I am still not at a place where I can say anything for certain or that my maleness is a lie... Even so, I am still wracked by conflict...

A few days ago, I felt a few moments of calm and comfort in the thought of remaining a male, but within a few hours those thoughts had completely reversed and I felt calm imagining myself as a female... I still have moments where I think that I can make it as a male, but they nearly always reverse themselves quickly... It is getting to the point where I have no good idea what my true self is anymore... I dream and it is nothing but shouting and crying as I discuss things with the people I love... I awaken and the conflicting thoughts just do not cease... My two most constant visitors are fear and doubt, and I wonder about their relationship: do I doubt because I fear or do I fear because I doubt? I do not seem to have an adequate answer for this question... This was a main part of the subject of my last crying fit yesterday, when the urge to just become a disembodied spirit whose essence abides but is released from conflict became strong...

Fortunately, things got a little better for me when I went to a St. Patrick's day concert at a local pub and had a few drinks (I laughed, smiled, danced, and felt happy most of the night) but the subject of gender was never far from my mind... When I imitated the violin being played, I imagined myself as I always do when I imitate violin playing as a stunningly beautiful woman with a wonderful dress... Is this my true self manifesting, or is it because music is a stereotypically "feminine" pursuit? I doubt this second possibility much more strongly because I have seen many successful male artists on all instruments including the violin...

Later, when I saw couples on the dance floor becoming affectionate, at different times I wished that I had a girl to caress and that I was the girl being caressed... I also saw many outfits that I wished I could wear (as I have tried to get to know myself better I have been trying to imagine what type of girl I would want to be if and when I transition)... When I thought about this, I had this longing to feel attractive for the first time in my life that also manifested itself in a small degree of physical attraction by which I was thoroughly embarrassed, but my mom told me that it follows logically from the idea that I would feel attractive, sexy, and wanted (something I have always wanted in my life and it began to make me wonder if what I really want in life is to feel attractive and wanted; which is something I have never felt in this body because I have always been fat, which led me to wonder why I ever got fat)... Was it a learned behavior from my childhood because I was somewhat of a loner most of the time although I had little difficulty making friends\acquaintances and it was common for me to be rewarded for good behavior with food, or was it a subconscious hatred of my body (that has become quite conscious at times) that drove me to make it as ugly as possible?

Like I said, a lot of conflicting thoughts in my head... I just don't see how the need to be wanted and feel attractive and loved meshes with hating one's body to the point where I would make it appear unattractive... But the thought of a future transition is the only thing keeping me going on a very strict diet and exercise plan... Is that because I have not yet realized any of the ancillary benefits of better health (such as increased attractiveness in the eyes of others) or is there something deeper to that being such a primary motivator? I really don't know the answers to these questions and on most I really don't have any idea... I don't know where my mind is at now... There is too much static... Too much conflict... Too much fear and doubt... I really just wish I could find myself and understand...

Brianna

[Asako]

I have a few questions for you.

What is it that you are afraid of? Figure out what you are afraid of first. You can try something like making a list of what you're afraid of. Then, contemplate each thing one point at a time. If it helps, write or type out the entire thing from beginning to end on each of them.

What is it you are doubting? Do the same thing here.

This may just let you trace back what causes you to feel these emotions. It's basically the same as asking yourself why you feel the way you do.

[Becoming Brianna]

Asako,

A brief list of the things i have been considering in my head over the past few weeks...

What I fear: That society will not accept me and let me live as I must whatever that may be... That I will be judged by others for who I am... That I will be discriminated against despite any qualifications I may have... That I will lose many of the people I called my friends... That my parents, despite their saying that they are here for me and willing to support me with certain conditions (i e finishing school), will not actually do so (they would never admit this to me if it were the case I would only learn this by their actions)... That I will lose my extended family... The prospect of surgeries (you only get one shot at them and I am naturally squeemish)... The prospect of living an inauthentic and unfulfilled life regardless of the conclusions I come to...

What I doubt: My complete security concerning my identity one way or the other (this was quite evident in my post I think)... That I am mentally tough enough to handle transition ( i.e. handling the criticism by others etc.this has become my most pressing doubt)... That I will be financially stable enough to handle transition... That i can finish this degree even though I recognize the need to... That I can ever be happy with my life as presently constructed... That I will ever find the answer and that I can ever accept and forgive myself (it has always been hard for me to do this but especially when the decision hurts people I care about)...

And this is just what I can come up with roughly off the top of my head as my attention is distracted by an important midterm paper...

Brianna

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

Asako,

A brief list of the things i have been considering in my head over the past few weeks...

What I fear: That society will not accept me and let me live as I must whatever that may be... That I will be judged by others for who I am... That I will be discriminated against despite any qualifications I may have... That I will lose many of the people I called my friends... That my parents, despite their saying that they are here for me and willing to support me with certain conditions (i e finishing school), will not actually do so (they would never admit this to me if it were the case I would only learn this by their actions)... That I will lose my extended family... The prospect of surgeries (you only get one shot at them and I am naturally squeemish)... The prospect of living an inauthentic and unfulfilled life regardless of the conclusions I come to...

What I doubt: My complete security concerning my identity one way or the other (this was quite evident in my post I think)... That I am mentally tough enough to handle transition ( i.e. handling the criticism by others etc.this has become my most pressing doubt)... That I will be financially stable enough to handle transition... That i can finish this degree even though I recognize the need to... That I can ever be happy with my life as presently constructed... That I will ever find the answer and that I can ever accept and forgive myself (it has always been hard for me to do this but especially when the decision hurts people I care about)...

And this is just what I can come up with roughly off the top of my head as my attention is distracted by an important midterm paper...

Brianna

These are all valid fears and doubts. I personally had/have the same doubts and so has the majority of individuals pre/post-transition. I am very early into my transition (day four of HRT) but after a very deep depression during the last quarter of last year, I accepted what had to be done, regardless of all of the hurdles. The way I see it, what's the worst fear: fear of transition or fear of not transitioning? I couldn't live a lie anymore and even though I primarily make decisions based off of logic rather than instinct, I decided to trust my feelings for this decision. Accepting yourself can be difficult but it's very doable.

I too have concerns about acceptance of others but why live a lie? What's the point of being accepted by people that aren't accepting you for who you really are but rather a false persona? I am by no means full time and don't anticipate being full time for at least a year but out of the handful of people I have told, I haven't had any negative response. However, there are some people, like my father, that I'm probably never going to tell because I'm 99.99% sure they won't accept it. This is when selfishness comes into play; if people won't accept you for who you are, screw them, you don't need them in your life. You're #1 in your own book because without you, there wouldn't be a you.

Picture this:
Scenario 1: You decide to transition within the next 1-2 years, overcome various obstacles, become active in the LGBT community, take a stand and become who you really are. You're happy and you are living your life how you want to live it.
Scenario 2: You decide to bury your feelings deep down to the point to where they disappear, due to the fear and doubt you have. 10 years later, the feelings come back and they come back with a vengeance. You're left pondering transitioning again and also start to wish you would have made the decision a decade prior.

These two scenarios are situations I pictured myself in many, many times and each time, I decided that I was going to go with Scenario 1. Many, if not most say that it gets easier and that there is hope. Don't get me wrong, I think "what if..." all the time and I have already made my decision. I will say though that when I took my Estradiol and Spiro for the first time late last week, I immediately felt a rush of calmness come over me. I literally looked at myself in the mirror and began laughing with joy.

Lastly, keep in mind that just because you're transitioning, it doesn't mean that you have to change who you are. Sure, for a lot of us transwomen, we have to work on certain things such as the way we talk (including voice training), mannerisms, posture etc. but we are still who we are. I honestly feel that if I was a cisgender female, I would be tomboyish because it's my personality. I have a crude sense of humor, am a metal guitarist and live/breathe information technology (in my own time and in my career). These are all things that I am carrying over to my new life and when it comes down to it, I'll simply be doing what I do as a woman.

[cindi cinnamon]

Brianna....... I once heard it said that "FEAR" is the greatest of all human motivators. It has equal power to propel or to paralyze. And, by what I'm sensing from your comments, it appears that fear is perhaps preventing your progress.

You cannot know or control how others are going to respond to you in "ANY" situation, therefore, it would seem to me to be tragic to deny yourself happiness and the opportunity to realize your bliss, all because of the perceptions and attitudes of others. You cannot provide happiness for them. They are obligated to find their own. Just as you are obligated to yourself.

At the end of the day.... "TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE".... no truer words, have ever been spoken.

The best of luck to you, Brianna, in all things.

[Becoming Brianna]

Thank you ladies... You have given me a lot to think about... I am trying to find a place where I can speak with confidence and shout from the rooftops a bold proclamation of who I am but I can't right now because I am not confident and really do not know... The few people I have told have not been all that negative (most have been really positive only my parents were even slightly negative)... As I have said before I don't know what my true self is but I do know that this (who I am right now) isn't it... I will think long and hard about everything everyone has said in this thread... I need to figure out which path is right for me and it is going to take a lot of soul searching and probably a lot more internal pain to figure out and get to a good place... But hopefully I can emerge from it stronger and with more conviction and confidence in what I do... I will have to make some changes but to know that I don't have to scrap everything (such as my love for sports) is comforting... There are aspects of my present life that I like and would like to carry over to my new one... I just need to see what's worth saving and what I can do without in order to be authentic and happy... I also think that I would have some "tomboyish" characteristics if I were a cisgender girl, but I would still like to be feminine I think... I just have to let go and not allow fear and others to control me... I need to step up and be tougher and more confident as I go down my path or I simply will not make it... It will take awhile for me to get there but I think that I will eventually improve in this regard... I am realizing now the absolute need to be true to myself regardless of what others may think and the consequences in my relationships... Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them...

Brianna

[Aprilrain]

Body issues can be a big factor in depression for TSes but they can be a big factor almost anyone. Everyone wants to feel attractive and wanted. Lots of people struggle with weight issues so you may just be one of those people. If in general you feel a disconnect, a "wall" between yourself and the rest of the world and you consistently feel that you are, shoulda been, want to be, feel as though ought to be, cant figure out why you want to be, etc, a girl then you might want to speak with a therapist versed in gender issues. I'm not sure about your CDing activities, some TSes do others don't and either experience is valid but for those of us who did examining how you feel with increased leveles of dressing and exposure to being out can be informative.

FWIW, fear and doubt have been my constant companions through out this journey so far. I tend to be a negative brooding and depressive person so its hard not to have lots of fear and doubt. the trick for me is to separate the depression from the rest of my life because depression makes everything seem hopeless when its not.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Brianna,

I fully and completely understand your feelings of fear doubt.
What you must do is see a therapist versed in gender issues. If you cannot see one that is versed in such then a competent therapist with a history of treating mood and personality issues will suffice.
Above all you must make plans in which to move forward from your stagnation brought about by fear.
The courage to accept ones self is the first step, the second is to have the courage to bring about the changes necessary in order to live a true and authentic life.
One step at a time. Fragment this and work with each piece until the puzzle is complete.
Start now and stay with it Brianna, after all your life depends on it.


Julia

[Becoming Brianna]

Body issues can be a big factor in depression for TSes but they can be a big factor almost anyone. Everyone wants to feel attractive and wanted. Lots of people struggle with weight issues so you may just be one of those people. If in general you feel a disconnect, a "wall" between yourself and the rest of the world and you consistently feel that you are, shoulda been, want to be, feel as though ought to be, cant figure out why you want to be, etc, a girl then you might want to speak with a therapist versed in gender issues. I'm not sure about your CDing activities, some TSes do others don't and either experience is valid but for those of us who did examining how you feel with increased leveles of dressing and exposure to being out can be informative.

FWIW, fear and doubt have been my constant companions through out this journey so far. I tend to be a negative brooding and depressive person so its hard not to have lots of fear and doubt. the trick for me is to separate the depression from the rest of my life because depression makes everything seem hopeless when its not.

April,

I have always struggled with weight issues as have many generations of my family, but it's not like I ever really took care of myself until recently when I began contemplating taking slow baby steps toward transition... I said I cared about my body when others asked me about it, but in all honesty I never really did... My body could go to h*** as far as I was concerned... I was too depressed to deal with it anyway but my weight and body issues only fed my depression...

As for CDing, I took small steps to explore who I was during the confusing time of puberty, not without excitement but I was constantly stopped at every turn by my family, who told me such things as I was "obsessed with sex..." I got to the point where I bottled everything up concerning my gender issues (even when it got really bad at times during my teen years) and pretty much everything else in my life and desperately started seeking confirmation of myself as a man so that all of this would just go away... I became extremely depressed and suicidal, then I met a girl and fell in love with her and everything seemed to make sense... I was going to be her man and father her children... But I never got the chance to tell her before she moved... After I finally did through email and she rejected me I was thrown back into the realm of gender confusion within two weeks... Does this mean that all I need is to find a GF and then I will be okay? I don't know and I don't want to take that step because I can't stand the thought of breaking someone's heart... I know what heartbreak feels like and I don't want to push that onto anyone not even my enemies...

After a few more cycles of this then deep repression, I recently told them just how strong all of this was and that it wasn't going away... I don't really know yet where I fit and am still battling a lot of confusion, but I am seriously wondering how much of this is legitimate doubt and how much is just me trying to placate everyone... The sexual excitement from what I do now as far as CD (which is little more than underdressing at this point but I do it full time) has long since lost its "thrill" and now I am left wondering if further CDing leads to greater "thrills" (meaning I'm probably not TS but just a fetishist) or if that is my hormones calming down a bit and letting me be me (meaning I really and truly might be TS)...

I can't CD and do a lot of experimentation with my identity because I still live at home and my personality type is of the rather skittish sort but I know I have to start actually doing in order to find my answers because I have been trying to listen to my heart but my heart seems as confused as my head sending mixed messages or messages I don't understand... I am also negative brooding and depressive but I am trying to work on that...

As for your comment about my general feelings, I keep moving between masculinity and femininity (but again how much of this is real and how much of this is desire to just make everybody around me happy?) I admit that at times I do feel like who I am now is but a construct and not who I am to be... I do suffer from periods of loneliness even among my friends because I feel like I cannot have an honest discussion with them... I have admitted a few times that I feel that I should have been born a girl, and that sometimes brings a feeling of calm but other times consternation and doubt... I cannot really understand why I wanted to do this stuff... Why I wanted to (and still want to) present as a woman (is it sexual? sometimes I wonder but again I just don't know)... Why I considered self-mutilation as an adolescent... Why I have at times hated my body as much for being male as for being fat... Why I took female names and played female roles sometimes in play as a child and had a desire to do feminine things even before the onset of puberty... None of this was or is ever consistent and constant, but it pops up with surprising frequency especially now that I am doing something about it... But I still get as many mixed messages from myself as I get from my parents...

As for therapists, I am seeing one at my campus (Can't really afford therapy out in the community and don't want to push the expense on my family if I can avoid it) but the therapist I am seeing does work with LGBT students... Thanks for your input...

Brianna

[Becoming Brianna]

Brianna,

I fully and completely understand your feelings of fear doubt.
What you must do is see a therapist versed in gender issues. If you cannot see one that is versed in such then a competent therapist with a history of treating mood and personality issues will suffice.
Above all you must make plans in which to move forward from your stagnation brought about by fear.
The courage to accept ones self is the first step, the second is to have the courage to bring about the changes necessary in order to live a true and authentic life.
One step at a time. Fragment this and work with each piece until the puzzle is complete.
Start now and stay with it Brianna, after all your life depends on it.


Julia

Julia,

I am seeing a therapist right now on my campus that works with LGBT students, because I cannot afford getting referred out into the community and do not want to push the expense onto my parents if I can avoid it... I am trying to move forward but my parents while saying they are accepting (and they have indeed improved in this regard) do not want me to take any drastic steps... I try to do what I can which isn't much and isn't sufficient to make all of the problems (like fear doubt confusion and sadness) away... I am working on steeling myself and finding courage but it is so hard mostly because I am not fully sure and confident in who I am and where I fit... I can only really see myself trying to move forward substantially after I graduate in about a year but it is getting hard for me to try to make it that far... I sometimes wish that I could put everything back in the box and deal with it later but I really don't think I can... I've tried that already and it all just comes back everytime I open up to somebody about my issues... This time is the most serious it's been for me since adolescence so I really don't think I can shelve it despite my parents' pleading for me to do so... I have to take a slow and measured approach right now and work baby step by baby step small piece by small piece but I worry about moving too slow... I am determined to stay with it and figure out who I am and where I fit but I admit it is difficult when your family, some of your friends, and even your own brain tell you just to stop and deal with it later even though you know you can't wait and have to start figuring things out NOW...

Brianna

Brianna

[Jamie Dawn]

Hi Brianna hon,
You and I have had a lot of the same feelings but it sounds like you are starting off a lot earlyer down this road than I did, good for you.
Yes it's tough! I to had the feelings of not wanting to dissapoint anyone. Yes I also let my health get really bad. Yes I also thought and even attempted suicide.
But I was only hurting myself as to avoid hurting anyone else.
But I came to discover that the very people I was afraid of disapointing really didn't care about my happyness they just cared how I could make them happy. If I lived my life the way they approved of then they would be happy and I would not.
But what I am finding out is that I personally refuse to ride at the back of the bus! Not for anyone! Regular people or TG people!
I am who I am! I refuse to (as some TG's have stated) lose everything in order to be myself! I am going to be me and family, friend and people in general better get used to it! I won't dissapair into the shadows!
Sorry folks, I'm making a new path!
So Brianna, I suggest that you join me and tell all that this is who you are so deal with it! Your not going away!
I WON'T SIT AT THE BACK OF THE BUS! FOR ANYONE TG OR NOT!
Be strong Girl! You can do it!
Love,
Jamie Dawn

[Becoming Brianna]

Hi Brianna hon,
You and I have had a lot of the same feelings but it sounds like you are starting off a lot earlyer down this road than I did, good for you.
Yes it's tough! I to had the feelings of not wanting to dissapoint anyone. Yes I also let my health get really bad. Yes I also thought and even attempted suicide.
But I was only hurting myself as to avoid hurting anyone else.
But I came to discover that the very people I was afraid of disapointing really didn't care about my happyness they just cared how I could make them happy. If I lived my life the way they approved of then they would be happy and I would not.
But what I am finding out is that I personally refuse to ride at the back of the bus! Not for anyone! Regular people or TG people!
I am who I am! I refuse to (as some TG's have stated) lose everything in order to be myself! I am going to be me and family, friend and people in general better get used to it! I won't dissapair into the shadows!
Sorry folks, I'm making a new path!
So Brianna, I suggest that you join me and tell all that this is who you are so deal with it! Your not going away!
I WON'T SIT AT THE BACK OF THE BUS! FOR ANYONE TG OR NOT!
Be strong Girl! You can do it!
Love,
Jamie Dawn

Thank you so much... This gave me a much needed boost today...

[SaraDominguez]

Brianna,

I didn't expect there to be anyone like me in this world as what i am going through now is what you have just described in your original post and that makes me feel a bit better.
I am too on the slow road to transitioning to become a girl and i just worry what is happening along the way but i am going to stay strong for myself so that once all of the confusion is out of my head i'll be much happier with myself.

Sara

[Rachel Smith]

Lots running through my mind recently... Sometimes I really wish I could unplug and turn it off for a little while so that I can just live my life... I have been visited by a lot of emotions in the past few days, often conflicting and total opposite of each other... One moment I am at one pole, the next I have slid to the opposite side...


I am right there with you Brianna. The conflicting thoughts seem to never end.


Later, when I saw couples on the dance floor becoming affectionate, at different times I wished that I had a girl to caress and that I was the girl being caressed... I also saw many outfits that I wished I could wear (as I have tried to get to know myself better I have been trying to imagine what type of girl I would want to be if and when I transition)... When I thought about this, I had this longing to feel attractive for the first time in my life that also manifested itself in a small degree of physical attraction by which I was thoroughly embarrassed, but my mom told me that it follows logically from the idea that I would feel attractive, sexy, and wanted (something I have always wanted in my life and it began to make me wonder if what I really want in life is to feel attractive and wanted; which is something I have never felt in this body because I have always been fat, which led me to wonder why I ever got fat)...

I have had these feelings as well but I always thought why do I have to be so short 5" 6" and very slender, I was 4' 8" when I gradusted high school.


I really don't know the answers to these questions and on most I really don't have any idea... I don't know where my mind is at now... There is too much static... Too much conflict... Too much fear and doubt... I really just wish I could find myself and understand...Brianna

Fears and Doubts I have those too. The biggest one is what if I go down this road lose my wife and her love and I still am not happy. What will I do then?

Love
Rachel