delusion.....friend or foe?

[Inna]

I remember looking at the mirror some years ago, dressed and full of denial, but this time was different, this time I really set out to look into my eyes, like I never looked before. I stood up, walked up to the mirror and looked at the face of a man. I stared at it for a moment forcing my eyes from escaping the truth, finally I shouted “what the hell are you doing”

In that moment I realized that I truly never looked at person in the reflection, that somehow I always missed that spot and as a whole when assessing my look I just assumed, I delusion my self to seeing what I wanted to see.

I believe that moment was my undoing, but not my defeat; I finally looked into the face of reality and didn’t like what I was seeing. I also understood the overwhelming need to express the inner desire for her presence in the world. But she wasn’t there in the reflection, however much I tried I got close, I wanted her to be there so much, but not close enough.

I suppose some may have lesser need to express her in the daylight and then some will go to extremes of uprooting life as we know it, just to be able to glimpse into her reflection and be reaffirmed, one body, one sole.

So here is my question to you: "have you ever, really looked at the reflection in the mirror?"

[Lorileah]

Every time. Sometimes I look at a really homely person. More often I like what I see. If others don't then so what? You have to like you and you cannot be perfect every time. If I don't like what I see, I go and change until I find what I like. I will never be a supermodel or a movie star. I will be me

[SusanCACD]

I have, and I hate it. But it is the reality for me, so much has to change, so many people affected, can I ever be so selfish to be happy? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying TG people are selfish, but like the song says "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". Being like I am sucks, but at the same time I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Susan

[suzy1]

If you allow yourself to move away from reality for to long then it can be a shock when you have a moment like that.
I feel for you Inna, it must have been unpleasant to say the least!

It takes courage to be a realist in all areas of your life. But it’s the only way in my opinion. [And it’s done me no harm, quite the opposite!]

They only way to live in my opinion is to accept yourself as you are. And like yourself or better love yourself. [As I love me]:heehee:

Anyway, I think you’re super!

Look after yourself,

SUZY :love:

[ReineD]

I believe that moment was my undoing, but not my defeat; I finally looked into the face of reality and didn’t like what I was seeing. I also understood the overwhelming need to express the inner desire for her presence in the world. But she wasn’t there in the reflection, however much I tried I got close, I wanted her to be there so much, but not close enough.[/COLOR][/SIZE]


... and thus began your journey to a physical transition?

I've no doubt my SO has at times noticed that the mirror did not reflect her inner feelings of the moment. I wonder how she came to be at peace with this. I rather think she had instead decided to do what she could physically short of HRT, and also focus on her inner feelings rather than the reflection. :)

It isn't all or nothing for her. Nor do I believe she is under any delusion.

[elizabethamy]

Great question, Inna. I never used to look in the mirror except when I had to. Now I look often -- trying to see who is looking back, is it a man, a woman, do I know that person, what is in his/her eyes, what does he/she want?

It is not one moment for me, but a process of a series of mirror moments that I hope will offer answers.

[Crissy Kay]

I do not like looking too close in the mirror. One of the main reasons for me to remain a part time closet cd.

[Kate Simmons]

Well Inna, when I look in the mirror these days I don't see a man or woman but my core being, which can be one or the other, both or neither as needed. I wear a lotta hats. In your case though when I see your pics I see nothing but a beautiful woman Hon.:)

[diannecourtney]

If your avatar is your reflection than you are misled by the mirror. You have nothing to hide. And, oh Kate Simmons can easily join you.

[Inna]

If your avatar is your reflection than you are misled by the mirror. You have nothing to hide. And, oh Kate Simmons can easily join you.

Thanks girls, I have just added couple words " years ago" :) LOL

[Kathy Smith]

Oh yes. I know who I am and am realistic about the image that I see. It doesn't bother me in the least - I'm not attempting to "pass" to myself and never have. I'm perfectly happy to be a CD, that's the perfect description for me.
Having said all that, sometimes I've looked in the mirror or at a photo that I've taken of myself "dressed" and quietly congratulated myself on appearing so feminine. Now _that's_ delusional! I doubt very much if others would think so, even on the opposite side of the road on a dark night! It's nice to have those occasional thoughts though ...

[STACY B]

Not me its weard ,,, When I look in the MIRROR all I see is a SMILE ! Cuz weather Im dress in A or B ,, Im still smilen ,, Cuz I be loven to smile ,,, Smiles make people happy ,, But not all people some people are imtimated by smiles ,, Thats weard ,,HUH,, Always freaked me out when someone looked at me an said what you smilen about >? I always give the same response ?? Hell dont blame me I didn't give ya that hair cut !!!!!! DOH,,!!!!!!

[Marleena]

Hi Inna! This is another thought provoking post. For you there is no illusion you look beautiful! So no delusion I would think.:)


I'm like Elizabeth I've never liked mirrors, but that has changed. When I see the guy staring back I see some anger and get challenged to go away. He doesn't like me looking at him. When the girl appears I see a calmness and happiness. I look closer into her eyes and her eyes smile. She lets me know everything will be okay.:)

[ArleneRaquel]

IMHO mirrors are best if they are turned toward the wall.

[kendra_gurl]

As I get older it's becomming more and more difficult to not see traces of Ken in the mirror. Ken has never been a handsome man but Kendra can most of the time be a very attractive Woman making her mirror a really good friend.

I've always told myself and my wife that when I do not like what I see in the mirror that will be the day I stop crossdressing. Thankfully I am not there yet. I really think I can look at my reflection with a keen eye and see what others see, not just the illusion I want to see.

I am very critical of Kendra, a lot more so than my wife and I think that helps when applying makeup accessories and clothing

[kimdl93]

When I first attempted dressing full en femme, I tried to avoid the mirror because I invariably saw a man in a wig. Certainly, I had no delusions about what I saw those first few times. Now, I'm much more comfortable with what I see, perhaps more accepting of myself, pluses and minuses. I've also accepted that what people see of me is largely in the eye of the beholder, and I'm OK with that.

[ReineD]

Now, I'm much more comfortable with what I see, perhaps more accepting of myself, pluses and minuses. I've also accepted that what people see of me is largely in the eye of the beholder, and I'm OK with that.

Bravo, Kim. :hugs:
..........

[Laura912]

When I look in the mirror, there is a happy, contented person looking back. Not too sure if that person could pass although wife says I could pull it off. I guess the mirror helps with the illusion.

[Ally 2112]

I have become more acceppting of myself when i look in the mirror in the last 5 years or so (both sides) To me my everyday appearence has become a little more femine and after hiding and guilt for 30 yrs this is way better .I am calmer and more relaxed .The only drawback is not enough clothes lol i want to shop all the time

[Sheila11]

I am confused when I look in the mirror. I see the transformation from him to her, but the second glances, the hushed giggle, the bemused stare, tell me that I am the only one.

So when I face off with the the mirror I look to see someone of good character, who loves, cares, and goes outside of themselves to make sure someone else can look in the mirror and reflect good character, love and care.

Of all the silliness that was Michael Jackson he got it right at least once.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself and then make a change

[Badtranny]

So here is my question to you: "have you ever, really looked at the reflection in the mirror?"

Yes indeed I have and I didn't like it one little bit.

I'm lucky though, it's nothing that a few hours of surgery can't fix. ;-)

[Inna]

Yes indeed I have and I didn't like it one little bit.

I'm lucky though, it's nothing that a few hours of surgery can't fix. ;-)

isn't that a blessing!

[ReineD]

isn't that a blessing!

It certainly is, for people committed to transition. But what of people who are not ready to go down that path? Why focus on the reflection rather than happy internal feelings?

[Badtranny]

It certainly is, for people committed to transition. But what of people who are not ready to go down that path? Why focus on the reflection rather than happy internal feelings?

It's my own weakness RD. I admit it. I can probably justify it fairly rationally, but the truth is I'm not strong enough to continue my transition while looking suspiciously like a man.

[ReineD]

Well, truth be told Melissa, I'd love nothing more than to have a nip and tuck myself. It's no fun being in my 50s. :p

But you or me having facial surgery is different than a CDer. We're both committed to being female. It's hard for a CDer who identifies with both genders (or who feels a mixture of both), to make a decision to do this without having the ultimate goal of living as a woman full time. Our society is just not ready to see blended genders in people. And so why put the focus on the mirror's reflection with people who would need to commit to transition if they wanted to significantly change their appearance?

[Noemi]

Oh Inna I feel for you, for us. I understand what you are saying, and I also have had this experience. I work in the arts and have a feel for truth....so when I see, I really see, with no filters hardly.
I see the man in the mirror...BUT I feel like such a girl and dress often and under dress all the time. Shaved my legs today and that just feels so good....

Well I think we choose to be this way to experience life this time around as both genders. I can feel truth in that, and see the perfection in my life. The drive and single mindedness of a man with the heart and sensibilities of a woman is a potent mixture. We are blessed to be this way to have these strong bodies...but I am getting older and would like to resolve the tension and just be a woman for the second part of my life...well I have not figured the physical aspect out yet either. Look in the mirror and see the perfection that is you.
I love your post, you are wonderful.

[Inna]

Actually, I have posed the question because of my own observation when I discovered that I simply , for years on end, omitted image of my face, subconsciously! Such action was a necessary ingredient of me feeling feminine in the attire of opposing sex, I was A Crossdresser and yet I was a Transsexual as well. Such mechanism made my life bearable to some point until I could no longer keep it up. But I am interested in seeing others reaction to the question. It isn't that I feel everyone should get FFS SRS and who knows what else, NO NO NO, I want to know if such subconscious mechanism seems automatic for all, or is it just occasional self delusion.

Obviously if most CDers would comment they are quite content with the image they see and that is where the need stops then it shall be obvious. As I said before in many a threads, I dig deep into understanding of psyche of transgender and want to know everything there is to know, and perhaps will continue my studies in just that direction.

It is a mesmerizing subject, made of struggle, joy, pain, and happiness, if we can understand it better we stand a chance of easing pain and suffering for new generations of inevitably trans folks as this subject seems not going anywhere soon :)

[SusanCACD]

ReineD,
It is hard, many of us have responsibilities that we would never ever shirk, and living like this is so defeating and demoralizing it makes me wonder if I am truly crazy. I only wish I could get away with a brow wax, maybe even piercing my ears, but no, just can't do it. But I still want to be me, even if it is in hiding. Life sucks, then you die. By the way, who is Melissa?
Susan

[kimdl93]

inna, your point is well taken. I wish I could answer more confidently, but delisions, if they exist, have a way of conveniently clouding perceptions... idont think I'm deluding myself, but who knows? And there's a fine line between contentment and resignation, isn't there?

[SusanCACD]

Wow, 2 post while I was typing, it's a really good question Inna

[KimberlyJean]

I thought for the longest time that all I would see or that all anyone else would see would be the man staring back, but recently I have started going out in public and just yesterday a woman looked me dead in the eyes and didn't bat an eye. I thought she and the others around had read me but I had a large item in my cart and she was around the counter scanning it before I could even attempt to lift it out. As a man they always wait for me to make it easier on them. I guess what I am trying to say is it helps when the world sees what I see.

[ReineD]

ReineD,
It is hard, many of us have responsibilities that we would never ever shirk, and living like this is so defeating and demoralizing it makes me wonder if I am truly crazy. I only wish I could get away with a brow wax, maybe even piercing my ears, but no, just can't do it. But I still want to be me, even if it is in hiding. Life sucks, then you die. By the way, who is Melissa?

Melissa is BadTranny. :) And you may not feel as if you can get away with waxing your brows, but you can certainly (slowly over a period of a month or so) pluck away the bushiness to obtain a more androgynous brow. Same with pierced ears. You can get them pierced at the beginning of a vacation and they should be healed enough for you to get away with not wearing studs in them during the daytime at work. My SO has trimmed eyebrows (not a high arch, but still trimmed), and pierced ears and no one notices in guy mode. :)


Actually, I have posed the question because of my own observation when I discovered that I simply , for years on end, omitted image of my face, subconsciously! Such action was a necessary ingredient of me feeling feminine in the attire of opposing sex,

I wonder if we all do that to some degree, that is see what we want to see in the mirror. I think I do it and this is why I HATE seeing pictures of myself. lol I swear when I look at myself I see a woman who is 20 years younger, because this is how I feel inside. :)

I remember reading a story about the artist, I think it was Andrew Wyeth. He continued to paint his wife as if she was a young woman even when she was in her 60s. This is how he saw her.

Also the reverse phenomena is true. I'm thinking of anorexics who see a fat reflections of themselves.

[Inna]

I get what you are saying about seeing or in fact not seeing what we want, but I am going back to the topic at hand, I did not look directly at my face! And after years of dressing only when I somehow confronted my self did I ever glimpse into my reflected face for the first and real time. I was dumb found as to the mechanism which prevented me from seeing this face in the first place, so many years so many times delusional image of a woman that wasn't there but a pigment of my imagination or a survival skill so many of us use to go on in life being satisfied with the illusive image of a woman in the mirror.

As to seeing what we want, since my transition started every time I have looked and believe me I have looked at lest once every 25 minutes, NO KIDDING! All I could see was face of a man whose image became the most dreaded reflection of all. And even though changes were occurring, time that it took for those changes occur seemed eons before anything visible registered in my mind. If not promise of FFS I don't honestly think I could had gone on, and that is the truth!

[Alice Torn]

Sometimes i see a man with a womans heart. Sometimes i see a balding, sad man, that life has kicked down. Sometimes i see the devil, sometimes i see a god. Sometimes i see a gorgeous woman, had i been born one, but gorgeous anyway. Other times, i see a fool trying to look like something he cannot be.

[Michelia]

I do not like looking in the mirror. Nor taking pictures. I do not like the way they look. So I avoid it. I use my small mirror for my make up where I can rarely see all my face.

I know I am totally delusional. I think I am beautiful. And I do not like mirrors bringing me down. So yes... I have looked in the mirror...but it does me no good.

So I go out in this world thinking I am one beautiful special girl. When that switch turned on in my brain and I was able to see myself that way, my self-image problems were left behind.

Now lately I have been getting fat...and I am having a hard time making my delusion work. But I will recover.... So far no one has told me anything to the contrary. And there are those few out there that agree through charity or otherwise with my self-assesment ...by telling me how gorgeous I look. So I must be, right?

[ReineD]

As to seeing what we want, since my transition started every time I have looked and believe me I have looked at lest once every 25 minutes, NO KIDDING! All I could see was face of a man whose image became the most dreaded reflection of all. And even though changes were occurring, time that it took for those changes occur seemed eons before anything visible registered in my mind. If not promise of FFS I don't honestly think I could had gone on, and that is the truth!

The mind plays tricks. I have a GG friend who had breast augmentation surgery. She came to me in tears a few weeks after her surgery. She had been looking at herself in the mirror and she couldn't see any difference. She's a psychologist so she's certainly not delusional, she could see that she was fitting into an increased bra size, yet to her eyes she saw no difference in breast size from before. She came over and asked me to look at her naked to see if I could tell any difference. Of course I could. She felt better after this, but I guess it took awhile for her mind's eye to catch up with the reality.

When I look at myself (closely with glasses on), all I see are the lines, my hooded, tired eyes, the patchy red spots on my face, my sagging jaw line. Yuk! These things are particularly salient in pictures. But I gather this is not what others see. I gather they see my soul and my spirit shining through all the facial imperfections. :)

[catriona36]

So here is my question to you: "have you ever, really looked at the reflection in the mirror?"


I dont know if i dont like my reflection, or if my reflection does not like me :|
I have no chance as either man or woman, but its fun trying, Tho i admit that I am not trying all that hard.. YET :)

[LeaP]

So here is my question to you: "have you ever, really looked at the reflection in the mirror?"

The mirror and I have a long and deteriorating relationship. Yet I'm drawn to it at times despite the fact that I can't stand my appearance and, to a point in the OP, mostly to what I see in my eyes. Mostly I see ... a consciousness or awareness that doesn't seem to be me. Occasionally, though, I get flashes of something else. Once in a great while, I actually see myself as someone else. It sounds dense, but it well-describes how it feels.

Lea

[sherri]

She's a psychologist so she's certainly not delusional, I'm going to let you slide on that one. :-)

[kendra_gurl]

Even a 70 lb anorexic looks in the mirror and thinks they are still fat. So we delude ourselves a little.. its all part of the illusion

[sherri]

As someone who has no intention of ever fully transitioning, I can't speak to the motives of those who do, but for the rest of us, I think that moment of disillusionment is actually constructive, as long as we don't beat ourselves up too much about it. I don't think delusion or self-absorption are attractive traits for anyone, but especially for TGs. Mind you, I know full well that sinking feeling of seeing myself as I really am, knowing I will never outwardly be that beautiful, seductive female that lives in my head and heart, but I know that becoming obsessed about it in front of the mirror is the wrong answer, at least for me. Like Kendra inferred, that's a long and dark rabbit hole.

I have a better idea: like the song says, you gotta accentuate the positive. What I mean is, we need a different sort of mirror -- actually, a couple of them. For one thing, it can be enough, more than enough, to focus on the gratification and enlightenment of expressing our sense of self honestly and genuinely, even intelligently. Sure, we can certainly make an effort to be as physically attractive and personally expressive as possible. After all, that's part of the fun. But past that, sooner or later it occurs to you that maybe it's time to concentrate on cultivating this creature inside you, and discovering what life is like from that perspective.

And too, it is possible to see yourself as others see you. I'm talking about people who are open enough to accommodate a TG, maybe even become friends. It can be very illuminating -- and validating. I have a small group of gay friends, for example, who have welcomed me into their world. They do not understand why I have the need for this sort of gender expression, but they not only accommodate it, they embrace it. The time I spend with them and their larger circle of friends has been extremely enjoyable, and has taught me a great deal about myself and the people I'm around. Even casual acquaintances can be quite positive, even flattering. I highly recommend getting out there and mixing it up.

Now mind you, if you just cannot stand what you see in the mirror, if it's a deal-breaker for you, then by all means do something about it. You might elect to take it all to another level, or ... you can just walk away. I think that if I found myself at that crossroads, I would base my choice on an honest assessment of what I see in the mirror. Here's the thing: transitioning is an enormous commitment -- at no little cost, mind you -- and personally, I would have to believe there would be a dramatic change to be worth the tab. I mean, I've seen TSs who've gone through all the therapy and drugs and surgeries, as well as all the trade-offs, and they still look like linebackers. Know what I mean? It makes me wonder, if it's all about how you look, was the result worth the cost?

[ReineD]

I mean, I've seen TSs who've gone through all the therapy and drugs and surgeries, as well as all the trade-offs, and they still look like linebackers.

Sadly, so have I. A friend of my SO's. She began the process after her divorce, while she was in her late 40s and now she is post-op. She has no choice but to move forward now, and she is kind, sensitive, intelligent, and very strong internally, but it didn't turn out the way she thought it would. Physiognomy is a huge factor in this. There's just so much that FFS and HRT will do. It's difficult for people who are very tall and have broad shoulders, and large hands and feet.

[Inna]

I get it, but somehow can't accept it as an absolute, I was for the lack of better word, average looking bloke, of huge frame (so it seemed) thick neck, built like a locomotive, old angry and then a dream could not be held anymore. And this
"of seeing myself as I really am, knowing I will never outwardly be that beautiful, seductive female that lives in my head and heart" was it, she was beautiful, sensual, wholesome, woman and to think I will get what I wish for........Nooooo Waaaaaay Hooooosaaaaaayyy!
Reality right, wrong! I wanted this more then life and I did get what I asked for, and I really believe that if anyone else needs it as much, they will get help from this universe just as I did!

[ReineD]

How tall are you, Inna? My SO's friend is 6'2", or 6'3".

[Inna]

I was 6'1'' when I started 3 years ago......now 5'10 1/2'' :) yes, I know, nothing makes sense here, because I didn't ask for it to make sense, I just asked "please help me be ME"

You will have a laugh here:

3 years ago:

[ReineD]

You shrank 3 inches? Wow! You need to determine how you did this and post the results. I'm sure others can benefit from it.

Also I must say your male face was handsome. I was discussing with someone just today, about the fact that it is the most handsome men who turn into the most beautiful women. The facial symmetry, proportion, and pleasing features are already there! :)

[NCAmazon]

Sadly, so have I. A friend of my SO's. She began the process after her divorce, while she was in her late 40s and now she is post-op. She has no choice but to move forward now, and she is kind, sensitive, intelligent, and very strong internally, but it didn't turn out the way she thought it would. Physiognomy is a huge factor in this. There's just so much that FFS and HRT will do. It's difficult for people who are very tall and have broad shoulders, and large hands and feet.

You probably can't do much about hands and feet, but its the body weight that sets off the Big Tranny look. If someone is still 6-2 and 220 lbs after transition it will look odd. Regardless of height getting to a modest weight makes a huge difference in perception. At 6-2 someone should be under 180 lbs at least.

[Inna]

I personally know of girl who are 6'4'' and there is no way in this world she could be mistaken for a male, but YES she is 145lbs
she didn't start her transition until late 20's

Honestly, I believe that the power of will, blunt and blind force to become indistinguishable from genetic girls is what drives girls like us to do absolutely everything and as I said before, "all it takes, is everything" and I wasn't lyin' :)
for the older folks such drive may be obscured by life lived and they settle for middle road, such was not my intention and I would had not gone into transition otherwise.

[kimdl93]

The mind plays tricks. I have a GG friend who had breast augmentation surgery. She came to me in tears a few weeks after her surgery. She had been looking at herself in the mirror and she couldn't see any difference. She's a psychologist so she's certainly not delusional, she could see that she was fitting into an increased bra size, yet to her eyes she saw no difference in breast size from before. She came over and asked me to look at her naked to see if I could tell any difference. Of course I could. She felt better after this, but I guess it took awhile for her mind's eye to catch up with the reality.

When I look at myself (closely with glasses on), all I see are the lines, my hooded, tired eyes, the patchy red spots on my face, my sagging jaw line. Yuk! These things are particularly salient in pictures. But I gather this is not what others see. I gather they see my soul and my spirit shining through all the facial imperfections. :)

Isn't it strange that we often see the worst in ourselves while being much more charitable to others.

Reading this thread, again brough to mind this old proverb from Bobbie Burns.

O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us
It wad frae monie a blunder free us
An' foolish notion
What airs in dress an' gait wad lea'e us
An' ev'n Devotion

It seems, we'd might see something much more positive, closer to reality and avoid many a blunder, if we could just see ourselves as others see us.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe that's why I wear a mask, Inna!? If I don't like what I see in my mirror, I can switch it 10 seconds. And, seeing what I want to see there avoids all those inconvenient thots and difficult to answer questions that tend to pop up!

[Wonderwho]

Idont like what i see in the mirror but that is my problem not that of the close i wear. The sun on my face no matter what i wear is the only realty that really matters. If i was to worry about who is in the mirror i would not have time to live.
Wonderwho

[Helen Grandeis]

I was 6'1'' when I started 3 years ago......now 5'10 1/2'' :) yes, I know, nothing makes sense here, because I didn't ask for it to make sense, I just asked "please help me be ME"

You will have a laugh here:

3 years ago:

You have come many light years from the original "bubba" to the current Sophia Loren!

Or in the words of Master Yoda, "There is no try! Do or Do not"