RachelDee
11-03-2005, 05:13 PM
I told my therapist about my recent... 'experiences' last month when i went to visit. I see him for help with OCD/Asperges but im not sure why, i just wanted to tell someone - real - about it. He suggested that i was not hurting anyone, that i was not 'alone' with this preference and that i should explore it as it might not be what i think it is...
Not exactley sure what i think it is to be honest, I have read the transgender type sites and read though info on here. I don't seem to fit into any of the 'groups' exactley and some things i read seems to say if XX applies (like saying if dressing as a women has anything to do with.. urr... you know.. im trying to think of a word urr...sexual preferences :confused: for instance) this means you fit more into the Transvestite catogory and not Transexual and going that route will lead to misery. Comforting lol.
I don't like that word much, Transvestite i mean. It just holds for me 'negative' feelings -- I guess because its the most common term thats more negativly on TV and such.
Anyhow -- I find it very frustrating at the moment that i cannot dress or act how i want. I can't for instance paint my nails, that would kinda be hard to 'keep to myself' and the sheer time it takes to remove it (the smell of the products too -- asatone is pretty pungent so its hard to disguise) and apply it means i cant do it. I made a comprimise and painted my toe nails :o and now i just have to be careful when coming out of the bath or going to teh bathroom or something in the middle of the night (im pretty sure my mother has noticed my painted nails at least twice because it sliped my mind and i was bare foot...anyhow she never said anything).
Also, since the house is not large nothing goes un-noticed. So everytime a package arrives for me, people enquire "Whats that then?" since recentley some rather strange package shapes have been turning up (I bought a pair of shoes today -- god knows how im going to explain that away when they arrive).
I was having a bit of a strange experience recentley -- I want to my sisters wedding and it was my parents idea that i got some highlights (i used to do this a lot - more so before the OCD became a bigger problem) for the photo's and such. So i agreed and had them done, but i dont know -- Feels a little empty making myself look better as a Male. I was looking at all the girls around me (its a wedding so everyone is dressed up ofc) and admiring them, but in a 'I wonder what thats like'...'I wish i looked like that'... 'Thats a nice dress, bet it feels really nice to wear.' that sort of thing (as well as them for what they are :) female and attractive).
It's also frustrating that i can only really 'dress' and feel safe to do so at night, when people are asleep. So its like an hour or so everyday. But then once i am dressed, i feel like there is something missing -- im not quite satisfied. I think i want to share it with someone... i think... maybe another GG that would understand. I don't mean girlfriend per-se i just mean to have someone to share and do things with that also understands (and a GG would be the perfect role model hehe).
Living near the sea (lincolnshire, shhhh) its not exactley an area where you would find anywhere to meet such people (also the fact that im prolly the only person my age within 5-10 miles ;)). When originally joining the CD forum i had the idea of maybe meeting someone in the UK (pref a GG but) that i might be able to be friends with outside the web too, but thats more of a 'fantasy' than a reality, you dont just 'make friends' and meet them lol and i also realise that im more than likley reducing my options even more (i mean most GG's will like this right). Just thought id have a better chance of meeting them here ;) than elsewhere, not exactley sure how id manage it lol.
I was hoping id be more sure of what all this meant by now, but im just following it along (and amassing lots of female clothes) and wondering where its leading... im not sure if my family would take this well, and i dont want to upset them. However i have no one to chat too, just to be comfortable around and them know about this sort of stuff too.
Hmmmmm, im sorry there was a point to this post originally but ive forgotton what it was lol. I think it was along the lines of asking if people have felt uncomfortable doing anything to themselves to make them look better as a male.
Not exactley sure what i think it is to be honest, I have read the transgender type sites and read though info on here. I don't seem to fit into any of the 'groups' exactley and some things i read seems to say if XX applies (like saying if dressing as a women has anything to do with.. urr... you know.. im trying to think of a word urr...sexual preferences :confused: for instance) this means you fit more into the Transvestite catogory and not Transexual and going that route will lead to misery. Comforting lol.
I don't like that word much, Transvestite i mean. It just holds for me 'negative' feelings -- I guess because its the most common term thats more negativly on TV and such.
Anyhow -- I find it very frustrating at the moment that i cannot dress or act how i want. I can't for instance paint my nails, that would kinda be hard to 'keep to myself' and the sheer time it takes to remove it (the smell of the products too -- asatone is pretty pungent so its hard to disguise) and apply it means i cant do it. I made a comprimise and painted my toe nails :o and now i just have to be careful when coming out of the bath or going to teh bathroom or something in the middle of the night (im pretty sure my mother has noticed my painted nails at least twice because it sliped my mind and i was bare foot...anyhow she never said anything).
Also, since the house is not large nothing goes un-noticed. So everytime a package arrives for me, people enquire "Whats that then?" since recentley some rather strange package shapes have been turning up (I bought a pair of shoes today -- god knows how im going to explain that away when they arrive).
I was having a bit of a strange experience recentley -- I want to my sisters wedding and it was my parents idea that i got some highlights (i used to do this a lot - more so before the OCD became a bigger problem) for the photo's and such. So i agreed and had them done, but i dont know -- Feels a little empty making myself look better as a Male. I was looking at all the girls around me (its a wedding so everyone is dressed up ofc) and admiring them, but in a 'I wonder what thats like'...'I wish i looked like that'... 'Thats a nice dress, bet it feels really nice to wear.' that sort of thing (as well as them for what they are :) female and attractive).
It's also frustrating that i can only really 'dress' and feel safe to do so at night, when people are asleep. So its like an hour or so everyday. But then once i am dressed, i feel like there is something missing -- im not quite satisfied. I think i want to share it with someone... i think... maybe another GG that would understand. I don't mean girlfriend per-se i just mean to have someone to share and do things with that also understands (and a GG would be the perfect role model hehe).
Living near the sea (lincolnshire, shhhh) its not exactley an area where you would find anywhere to meet such people (also the fact that im prolly the only person my age within 5-10 miles ;)). When originally joining the CD forum i had the idea of maybe meeting someone in the UK (pref a GG but) that i might be able to be friends with outside the web too, but thats more of a 'fantasy' than a reality, you dont just 'make friends' and meet them lol and i also realise that im more than likley reducing my options even more (i mean most GG's will like this right). Just thought id have a better chance of meeting them here ;) than elsewhere, not exactley sure how id manage it lol.
I was hoping id be more sure of what all this meant by now, but im just following it along (and amassing lots of female clothes) and wondering where its leading... im not sure if my family would take this well, and i dont want to upset them. However i have no one to chat too, just to be comfortable around and them know about this sort of stuff too.
Hmmmmm, im sorry there was a point to this post originally but ive forgotton what it was lol. I think it was along the lines of asking if people have felt uncomfortable doing anything to themselves to make them look better as a male.