worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife

[chrismy]

worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife ,,, ever ,,,, ever,,, ever,,, after 28 years of marriage .. 2 months later and it all crashes down. she feels sooo betrayed even though the only person i ever cheated on her with was myself. i will have to move shortly and give up a lifetime of hard work but even worse loose the warm hug and love of the person that means the most in the world to me. to all the gurls that will jump on the "ya shoulda told her from the beginning" bandwagon ..... save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think.

[goodnhose]

Sorry to hear about your crash but after 28 years with her a little more time seems to be in order for her to absorb this change in her life. I hope things straighten out for you and that you guys can work it out.

[Alice Torn]

So very sorry to hear of this. This ought not be, in 2012 America. If she visited a Muslim nation, wearing jeans, t shirt and sneakers, short hair, she may be arrested or killed! Why would she not even discuss a compromise!? This is sad.

[Jacqueline Winona]

I'm really sorry to hear this, Chris. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but all I can say is that we're all here to listen whenever you need to vent or ask advice.

[Barbara Ella]

Chrismy, i am very sorry that it worked out this way for you and your wife. Please do not close the lines of communication with her. If she learns more about crossdressing she might be willing to talk. If she begins to understand what this means to you, she might be willing to talk some. Might not change her mind, but if she is talking she is learning. Only you know when the right time to tell her is/was no one can tell you that earlier would have been better. Dont harbor the idea that you cheated on her, you did not cheat. This is you. If you feel like that, she will pick up on it. Be positive and honest with her. Do not give up on you both.

Babes

[JessHaust]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age, and we're just kidding ourselves, and hurting those we love, by keeping it a secret. It's never going away, we will never be 'cured'. The sooner we accept ourselves, the sooner we can let others know and accept or reject us as we are, not who we pretend to be.

[Cynthia Anne]

Sorry I have to disagree with you! I think the worst Idea you ever had was the insane idea you have to move and give everything up you worked so hard for! Why do YOU have to leave! Think it over! The one that moves out WILL lose! Best of luck to you! Hugs!

[Leelou]

I'm so sorry. This is still fresh so hope things can be worked out--especially after so many years. I know you don't want to hear that you should have told her from the beginning, and I understand that, but stories like yours do have an important role in this forum. Maybe if we don't come clean early it's best to stay in the closet, I don't know, I've heard all the stories over the last few years since I've joined.

I was in the closet in my marriage and I'm glad I did so because I didn't come clean up front. We divorced for different reasons. I'm sure she would have divorced me for it. I knew I should have been honest upfront, but I didn't. Once you've entered into the marriage under the lie, you have to make the choice to come clean or not. I hope these threads help others that are deciding to marry or those that are already there.

Anyway, thanks for opening up to us and I wish you both the best.

[chrismy]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

[Eryn]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age...

No we don't all know. It is possible to have "feelings" but manage to submerge them for most of our lives. I can only speak for myself, but I had been married for over 20 years before I realized exactly what those "feelings" were. I find it hard to believe that my situation is unique.

Chrismy, I hope that you don't give up on your wife. You didn't cheat on her, but apparently she isn't yet prepared to deal with the present situation. I find it hard to believe that she would be anxious to give up a 28 year marriage unless there are factors that we don't know about. It won't hurt you to give her more time and keep the lines of communication open.

[whowhatwhen]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

I don't think her post was meant to insult you, but to point out to others who may be reading this thread that there are very real consequences to entering a relationship and keeping part of yourself secret.
That being said I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you can work it out.

[chrismy]

@Leelou - Maybe if we don't come clean early it's best to stay in the closet. .... i know i would be voting for your position if i had more sense. @Eryn - wife says its the hardest thing she has ever faced but cannot deal with it. we have been through so much in 3 decades (have children also, but she says that "I actually care about what people think about you, especially your children so if they are told it will be by you" ... i so love her even as she rejects spending the rest of her life with me. sooo sad for us all.

[AmberDay]

I want to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can sympathize with the not having someone to hug or kiss anymore; cried about the same things when my wife and I were falling apart several months ago.

:hugs:

Amber

[AllieSF]

Chris,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I have seen what happen to you also happen to a few other members who posted about here on the site. You know your situation better than anyone else. However, I recommend, and also think that you will anyway, keep in touch with her and keep the line of communication open. She has been presented with a very big shock and now needs to get her mind around it. It may take awhile, but after 30+ years, I think that the love has not gone away, it is just on hold for now. I wish you the best and send you a big hug.

[Brigid]

I'm very sorry. I hope thinks will work out. I came out to my wife after 15 years of marriage and thankfully things are ok. But I know if I came out in the beginning I would not be married and I would not have my wonderful son so I understand why you didn't come out earlier. Hopefully in time she will realize the wonderful person she loved was a result of the feminine side that really was there even when you weren't dressed. I hope things better for you.

[Flent]

chrismy, is there any way she might agree to couselling? Or to taking a 'wait and see' approach if you get counselling/therapy yourself? You really have nothing to lose… she is probably very hurt and angry right now, but maybe you could try writing her a letter suggesting it and letting her know how much you love her and want to make your relationship work.

[Inna]

Chrismy, I know there are no words which can help to heel your broken heart, no statement which can ease the pain, but I am so proud of you girl, so proud of you finally letting go of hiding and allowing the truth to see light of a day. What ever happens you shall be free of the heavy burden of deceit. And all is not lost, it takes time for us to get ready it also takes time for our loved ones to come around to the inevitable truth about us. It isn't easy for anyone in fact this is one of the hardest things to admit and you did it. To me this is the sign of greatest strength and character in human to against all adds embrace truth no matter the consequence.

All the love girl, Inna

[Chickhe]

Shoulda, coulda... only you know what was possible, sometimes life really really sucks...sorry to hear your bad news.

[sandra-leigh]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think

So you care what people think but only if they agree with you? That's.... a fascinating exercise in logic, I guess would be one way to phrase it.


how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer

Jess is not much younger than you are. You didn't even look at her profile before deciding on her ignorance of life. You were unfair to her, in my opinion.

It so happens that I disagree with Jess that we all know from a young age, but my response would be that she is not taking some factors in to account in that judgement, rather than saying that she knows nothing.

If it matters: Yes, I am out to my wife, and to all of my living immediate family, and all of my doctors and therapists, and to pretty much everyone in the city except for officially saying something at work (I just present on the female side at work without explaining why.) I live with the consequences literally every single day, not just a couple of hours a month.

I respect you for telling your wife. I do not respect you for trying to apply prior-restraint-of-speech to the allowable responses.

[sterling12]

God, I hope you didn't reach your decision to tell, because you thought a bunch of people on here giving opinions were forcing you to do that! Ultimately, all we do is create a lot of new ideas, and one should treat it like "A Sampler." They are Opinions/Ideas to kick around, and perhaps give you a bit of insight. But YOU still have to make The Final Decision.

Having said all that, I am sorry for you that it happened. But, lets explore some new ideas that might give you some solace, might give you some hope.

First Thought.....you now have a new opportunity. Chrismy now has a new opportunity to NOT jump back into a relationship, and explore whom it is that inhabits your body. All those thoughts, fantasies, "What if's," that you probably have, just might get answered. If you want, you can spend a lot of free time as your femme-self and find out what you want to know about some lifelong gender issues. But, You will also be making a new beginning about EVERYTHING. That can be scary, or it could turn out to be The Best Thing to ever happen to you. "Is The Glass half full, or half empty?" Now YOU get to decide.

Second Thought.....Quite often over time, couples grow apart. Although there's usually one incident which everyone will ascribe to being The Reason, often it's many small things that just built up over time. The Expression might just be: "Looking for an excuse," if you understand that concept. Transgender isn't usually "The Deal Breaker," and it's probable that it shouldn't be blamed for everything that went wrong. Ask yourself a simple question: "Do you really believe that if you had done something differently, it would have changed the eventual outcome?" I'll bet that if you really think back, you sort of "saw this coming." Normally, it takes months to years for people to make their seemingly quick decisions.

I think your original Post implies that this is a Done Deal! I have responded like that is so, and have tried to offer some useful info. If The Marriage isn't over, then by all means try to work things out. But if all is "kaput", do your grieving. Work through things and GROW! If it gets rough, find professional help. "Today is the first day of The Rest of your Life," Try to treat it that way.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Contessa]

I came out to my wife also after 38 years, and why didn't I tell her before. I didn't realize that I was and I only did it sometime. I don't know why she never suspected something. Anyway I am still sorry to hear we are in the same boat. We should talk if we see each other topside. I am not trying to be funny, it just seems too similar to my situation.

Tess

[DanaR]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, it is sad. One of my fears, for girls that haven't told their SO's, is that the SO finds out on their own and formulates a course of action before you were to find out that they know.

It probably doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry.

[Aylineira]

I am sorry to hear that Chrismy.

I must say that after reading over your old posts it seemed like she was taking to the idea very well. What happened?

Did you go too fast showing her your whole side of being a CD before she was actually ready?

Forgive my curiosity but from your last post to this... it just seems like a big drop off.

Please do not blast me, if you don't feel like sharing then just ignore my post. However we are here to listen to your side of the story.

[Noortje]

That's really sad... I hope the breakup was at least somewhat amicable? Maybe there is still hope for a positive relationship in the future, even if it's not as close as before.

I think telling your wife was very brave, even if the outcome was not as you (and we all) would have hoped. I hope this courage will help you find happiness again.

[muzzy]

I am so sorry to hear that...I had been with my gf for 6 months and decided to tell her after a couple of drinks and she was fantastic about it...now nearly every time she goes out she buys me a new pair of panties and maybe some lingerie...I'm lucky but there are plenty of women out there that love you for what you are and not the clothes you wear xoxo

[Helen Grandeis]

I regret my reveal of ten months ago. My marriage is intact at the expense of most of Helen's existence. Honesty is much better than a chance that she would have hobbled upstairs and discovered Helen's things or a car accident or an unexpected encounter with a mutual friend in deep space. You have played your hand.
-
At least you will not be numbered among those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt.
-
Maybe a therapist might help ou find some common ground.

[sarahcsc]

Chrismy, don't be so sure that this is the worse ever decision you made... it may be a blessing in disguise and only time will tell if its going to work out for any of you. I'd say keep an open mind, because you're only going to be guilt ridden if you keep thinking it was the worse decision YOU'VE ever mademade becausyou are saying that its basically your fault that she left. The fact that you're moving out also tells me that you feel somewhat responsible and is taking onthe role of a guilty person.

I feel your pain. I can't understand what you are going through, but I feel sorry for everything you are going through... Take care and keep us updated.

[CINDYO]

Jeannie
just read your post, re think what you said, Who really is the selfish one here. Not the wife, she entered a marriage thinking there was complete honesty. One party of the marriage with held vital info that may have influenced the wife decision or at least enabled her to make an informed decision. This was were the SELFISH originalgted. I frequently read well if your wife was more open minded, if you wife was not so selfish etc. NO the wife is not the perpetrater here, the wife entered what she thought was a open honest trusting union. The wife did not change the rules. It was the husband that came up with, oh by the way, i am not really quite who you thought i was. Hope you dont mind if i like to dress in frilly lingere and lipstick and go out into the world, I am still your man.......sometimes i also.. "read not sure but i might even be bi- curious. hope you are not too selfish to be ok with that too"

[LeaP]

worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife ,,, ever ,,,, ever,,, ever,,, after 28 years of marriage .. 2 months later and it all crashes down. she feels sooo betrayed even though the only person i ever cheated on her with was myself. i will have to move shortly and give up a lifetime of hard work but even worse loose the warm hug and love of the person that means the most in the world to me. to all the gurls that will jump on the "ya shoulda told her from the beginning" bandwagon ..... save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think.

First, I should say that I agree with Inna. It's commendable that you thought to act in trust and honesty, despite risk. It takes courage to do that.

I'm struck by several aspects of your post, however. That you characterize your dressing as cheating on your wife - do you actually feel this way? Second, that despite (apparently) feeling this way, you chose to include pictures of yourself dressed. I'm guessing that conflict over your crossdressing is what finally pressed you to come out.

As for the "from the beginning" thing - meh - people differ. While I'm an advocate of telling early, only you know whether or not you were capable at that point.

Sorry to hear about the consequences, but I'm glad you had the regard for yourself and your wife enough to try. I would not move out, however, and I would hold out some hope for your marriage, assuming there aren't other factors in play also.

Lea

[linda allen]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age, and we're just kidding ourselves, and hurting those we love, by keeping it a secret. It's never going away, we will never be 'cured'. The sooner we accept ourselves, the sooner we can let others know and accept or reject us as we are, not who we pretend to be.

You know, we don't all know before we get married. Sometimes it starts later in life or it comes and goes. I remember when I first started dating my wife I had a lot more on my mind and was probably not dressing much back then. Even what I did was just a bra and homemade forms in private.

Each of us, each of our wives, and each of our relationships is different. A blanket statement like yours doesn't work for everyone.

And BTW, anyone who really wants to quit dressing can do so, just like they can quit smoking or drinking. You just have to want to quit badly enough.

[Marie-Elise]

It's always hard to read about situations like this; I'm sorry that's how it turned out.

[Sara Jessica]

Sad story. And despite what I'm about to say, please know that I do have empathy for your situation. This stuff is real and can have such profound effects on relationships on so many levels.

But really, look back at your own history. You didn't disclose. You beat around the bush with schemes to get into certain types of clothing around your wife and then attempted to bring her in even deeper into YOUR fantasy without full disclosure. You shot for the moon and ended up falling way short. This is not saying that honest disclosure would have had a different result but I think I could have more empathy if there was even the slightest sign that you had actually read the tales of disclosure told in these pages during your rather short time here and learned from them. Did you ever read what our natal females have written about what this does to them? How difficult is it for them to get their heads around the fact that their MAN wants to get dolled up like a WOMAN for whatever reason? Did it occur to you that many women never get beyond barely tolerating, let alone participating on any level?

Yes, perhaps you should have told her before getting married. Yes, perhaps it would have been better to stay in the closet. Instead, you played it like a game and manipulated the situation and ended up being burned beyond belief. Hindsight may be 20/20 but if you had laid out ahead of time your little scheme versus up front and honest disclosure (with an element to keep your dressing up thing completely separate from her ever seeing it) versus staying in the closet, I doubt anyone would have recommended that you opt for the scheme.

All that said, the genie is clearly out of the bottle and there's no putting her back inside. Is there any hope to salvage the relationship? Might therapy help? Can you quit dressing in order to stay with the one you love? As impossible as that might seem, have you even put that olive branch out there?

[Silentpartner GG SO]

I am very sorry to hear that things have worked out this way for you chrismy - I can only imagine how hard it is for anyone to reveal this to their wife/SO. I dont know how long since you told her but maybe she will come around in time - at the moment she is probably very hurt, frightened and confused - and worried about what neighbours,friends,family might think if they find out. I guess it depends how far you want to take the dressing as to whether it is possible, or you even want, to keep it from friends & family.

You havent cheated on your wife - good grief, dont beat yourself up that way - just my opinion but having been through my huband's infidelity and now being told about the CD'ing - I know which I'd prefer if I'd had a choice! unfortunately I got both! But we're still together.


So sad that she couldn't see past her selfishness and try to learn more about the why and how to understand how you feel. Women have a tendency to think and act with their emotion first and then what their friends think before acting on knowledge and reason. It sounds to me that telling her from the start would have had the same effect as telling her now. I hope you are OK and please let us know how you are doing. Love the black dress and pearls BTW.

I dont think this is anything to do with selfishness - on either part - and please - not all of us think and act with our emotions first and certainly not all of us are more concerned with what our friends think.

I dont believe either party have been selfish here - chrismy did what she thought was best - came clean to her wife - ok she hid it for years but lets face it, most of us tell lies or hide truths at some time or other - its human nature not to want people to think bad of you and its no point bolting the stable door once the horse has gone.

Chrismy's wife has had a huge shock, she thought she knew the man she married, after all those years she probably didnt think there was anything she didnt know about him - now she finds there a whole other side she knew nothing about - she will take time to come terms with this, maybe she will never come to terms with it - andif thats the case well its very very sad but its not her fault and its certainly not selfish!

Maybe it is a case of you were both drifting apart and the CD'ing revelation has been used as a "get out excuse" - only you and your wife know that Chrismy but I 'd not be in a rush to move out - unless you honestly think that there is no hope for your marriage.

I wish you all the best and hope that both you and your wife can find happiness, whether it be together or apart.

I have been accused of being bigotted and narrow minded in the past - however I have accepted my husband's CD'ing, as I forgave him his infidelity - because deep down there was always love - if you still have love for each other then maybe there is still hope

[GingerLeigh]

I'm sorry things didn't work out, I can only imagine the loss you BOTH feel right now. Is telling the worst idea ever? That depends, since telling is NOT for everyone. There is no one size fits all for every relationship and I believe that for every happy ending there is a sad one. Were there any other marital issues (other than your crossdressing disclosure) at play here? Will you be able to salvage your marriage? Will she go to counseling with you or is it a done deal?

Ginger

[suzy1]

‘Worst Idea ever’ but whose idea was it? Yours or where you influenced by the ‘must come out brigade’ a dangerous group of members in my opinion.
Or the ‘you should have told her before you married’ lot. How naive can you get!

But I am sorry for your situation and hope you can sort it out with your wife.

SUZY

[Katesback]

I think the sad sentiments have been said. I would say one thing you are also owner of your house you can live there till otherwise directed by the authorities.

I realize you cannot see this far into the future but if I was a betting person, after the dust settles you will be happy because for one thing you will no longer have to live under the expectations of other people. What do I mean? I mean you can choose to express yourself as you wish. I am betting you will crossdress as much as you want thereafter. If I was a really big gambler I would bet you will begin transition.

Katie

[kimdl93]

Very sorry to hear that this happened. When did you come out to her? Perhaps if the two of you give it some time, this will sort itself out. The best thing you can do now is to act responsibly towards her and take care of yourself. No rash decisions or actions.

As for the "must come out brigade", I'd like to suggest that this could just as easily have happened by accident - as when a wife stumbles upon a hidden stash. Either way, its a shock and the outcome is unpredictable.

[Marleena]

I'm so sorry too. It's kind of a slap in the face with a sinking feeling. You come clean and that's what you get. I hope things get better after she has some time to digest it all. All the best to you Chrismy! Hang in there..

[Organza]

Dear Chrismy,

I'm so sorry for your agony.

I have a lot of experience with this because I was a "serial monogamist" for decades before I got married. My very first girlfriend in high school thought it was "interesting" when I told her but she never had to live with it. She was an avid dress-wearer herself and very feminine but not too smart and the relationship was never really going very far. I lived with a woman in my 20s and told her from the beginning. She barely tolerated the knowledge for seven years and eventually we broke up over other issues. My next girlfriend didn't mind at all and she let me keep my dresses in her closet :) In fact she was quite tall and we shared a few blouses and slips. But we separated, again over other issues. Then I lived with a gorgeous megababe for three years -- she didn't mind the dresses at all, but unfortunately she turned out to be completely self-destructive/nuts and we had to split. Then I had a few quick affairs. One beautiful lady lawyer tolerated the dresses but also turned out to be insane. Then I dated a pretty software type for two months, but when I told her she freaked and we broke up.

Finally I married an Eastern European scientist (I'm also a scientist). It was clear from the start that she needed a "strong man" and I made the hard decision not to tell her and to suppress that side of myself. It actually worked for four years, but after we had our first son, she grew very cold to me and I went back to dresses. We had a second son two years later and shortly after that, she found some of my clothes. Then we struggled to hold the marriage together for nine years for the boys' sakes, but eventually the dresses and other issues killed it. At this point I'm not sorry that happened, because I'm married to a lovely and tolerant girl, although we have other issues as well. One thing I wanted to tell you, though, is that my ex-wife and I are trying hard to be friends. She felt somewhat betrayed because I didn't tell her from the beginning. I can see her point, but I feel that I never would have needed the dresses again if she had remained a wife to me.

In other words, women are all over the map on this one. Not knowing you or your wife it's hard for me to say, but my guess is that there will be some chance of a good friendship (at least) in the future. The information is just very hard for some people to take. Logic is not really part of it. Yes, women wear pants, but pants are no longer exclusively "masculine." There's no question that dresses are feminine -- that's why we like them :) And that's also what's hard for her. As my Denver girlfriend said when I told her, "But it's so unmasculine." Yep, lady -- that's the whole point.

I hope the virtual hugs of your friends here help just a little bit until things get better. I know this pain and I feel for you more than I can properly express.

Please take care of yourself,
Lisa

[Kathy Smith]

Hi Chrismy,
I _know_ that coming out to your wife long after marriage can work. I've done it and she's ok with the situation. It doesn't always work, as you've found out. The more stable your marriage is to start with, the more chance there is of success.

If you want to rescue your marriage at this stage you are going to have to put in the work. Your wife has been knocked back in a big way. She's been put in a situation that she doesn't know how to handle. She's unsure about you, that you've suddenly become some kind of weird, possibly perverted character. Providing things haven't gone too far, this is the time that she needs the support of her husband - definitely not of Chrismy; IMHO Chrismy should pop back into the closet for a while. Your wife needs the man that she married full time at the moment.

Keep talking. It doesn't matter what about, so long as it has nothing whatsoever to do with crossdressing. The most important thing now is to keep those lines of communication open. Eventually you may be able to set some limits for Chrismy, but now isn't the time to discuss it.

I really hope things work out for you both.

[girlygirly]

I don't understand why anyone would believe that someone not predisposed to crossdressing would or should ever understand it. That is why I mostly keep it to myself.

It all comes down to one central issue, is either a matter of choice, or a genetic predisposition. If it is a matter of choice, you chose to do it. If it is a genetic predispostion, most of those who are unaffected by this would feel we have a disease. It all comes down to how you want to be seen by others, and whether you are willing to try and explain it all in a way that someone else can understand. I prefer to be seen as mostly normal, which is why I rarely try to explain something which I'm not sure even I fully understand.

[kendra_gurl]

It was just a month ago your started the thread..So my wife tells me I am ugly..... sounds like the start of a joke ..... haaha.

Did you not hear her?

Have you both not disscussed this at length?

You are and Adult not a kid in a candy store. Put everything away, stop dressing and have an HONEST conversation with your wife and LISTEN to her needs. Perhaps then you will see there really is a compromise avaliable to you both.

[Presh GG]

52 % of ALL marrages end in divorce.

Sorry, but the way you snaped at Jess made me wonder how you speak to your wife and I doubt cding is the ONLY problem in your relationship...

BUT,
I don't know you or your wife so that is just my observation.

Presh

[Jenniferathome]

I'm sorry thread these kind of results, but I have stated many times that crossdressing can not be the sole cause of a breakup. It can be a catalyst, for sure, but if the foundation is solid, a compromise can be reached. If no foundation then any marriage is doomed.

[JessHaust]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

53, married 32 years. She has know for 35 years.
And you are right that last 7 years age difference changes everything, I'm just young and stupid, but not so stupid as to lie to my wife to be.

[daviolin]

So sorry dear girl. I went through the same thing 3 years ago. It was touch and go. Things seem to have leveled out though. All I can say, If you still love her. Try to work it out. Daviolin

[whowhatwhen]

And BTW, anyone who really wants to quit dressing can do so, just like they can quit smoking or drinking. You just have to want to quit badly enough.

This is where lots of huge problems start, people thinking they can just 'quit' a part of themselves and move on in life.
So they get married and surprise surprise, guess what comes bubbling back to the surface?

We see this example often with threads like these when the guy can't hold back his feelings and expresses his true self to his wife, who becomes understandably upset at her husband who hid a huge part of himself from her for (x) years.
Anyone getting acceptance from their wife at that point is lucky as hell.

The moral appears to be that before you get serious you must tell him or her that you're a crossdresser, there are too many examples of people hiding this and it blowing up spectacularly.
You cannot hide who you are and trying to do so in a relationship is going to hurt someone else too and really that's just very unfair.

[Katesback]

But telling is a lot different than what often happens. I mean often the wife is actually somewhat ok with it at the start but then the pink fog takes over the CD and the freight train rolls through the wives house. I think that a lot of CDs mistakenly think that telling the wife and then getting some sort of approval means the wife wants to be involved in the CD activities. I dare say most women dont want anything to do with it.

Katie

[jillleanne]

Hi Chrismy,

As already said, our feelings are with you. Life as you well know deals different hands for no apparent reason. You have just been dealt the opportunity to prove to the one you love why you love her and to teach her who you are and that you are not someone to fear. It's an opportunity only you can decide how to address. I do know this: a well educated person will stand a better chance of accepting and understanding something easier than someone that is ignorant to the same. You can now educate her on a cross section of the general population that up until now, she does not understand and probably fears. I wish you well on your quest no matter what you choose.

[SuzanneBender]

Dear I read your post and then I skipped all of the replies. I promise not to jump on the bandwagon and my heart goes out to you. I understand why you didn't tell her before. I waited 15 years and it has taken its toll on our marriage. I know its not going to help, but remember in all likelihood its was a no win situation from the beginning. If you don't tell you deal with the guilt that cause friction and stress in the marriage and you take a chance on getting caught. If you do tell you roll the dice and hope that she understands. All is not lost though move forward and maybe one day she will decide to catch up.

Best wish and PM if you need to vent.

[whowhatwhen]

But telling is a lot different than what often happens. I mean often the wife is actually somewhat ok with it at the start but then the pink fog takes over the CD and the freight train rolls through the wives house. I think that a lot of CDs mistakenly think that telling the wife and then getting some sort of approval means the wife wants to be involved in the CD activities. I dare say most women dont want anything to do with it.

Katie

True, but my idea is prevention.
Being transgender is something that has to be put out on the table fairly early on, the consequences of not doing so are tragic and have multiple examples on this very forum.

Unfortunately, if you're straight your dating pool just shrunk by an incredible amount I'd think.

[Swottie]

53, married 32 years. She has know for 55 years.
And you are right that last 7 years age difference changes everything, I'm just young and stupid, but not so stupid as to lie to my wife to be.

LOL Jess, it was actually amusing to find that you're at most just 7 years younger than Chrismy... while IMO the "how old are you" comment was extremely rude, you did ask for it by looking more like 43 in your avatar. *wink*

As for the "should have told her" thing... if only life can be as black and white.

[Josie M]

I am so sorry to hear this....I hope this somehow works itself out, it's clear that you love her very much....

[Kristyn Hill]

Saddens me to hear this. I hope it gets better.

[ReineD]

Chrismy, I've been around for a while here, and I'm close to your age, so I do feel entitled to share with you a few things (kindly). I'm a GG.

First, take a deep breath.

Second, tell us what happened exactly. This can wait until tomorrow or the next day, whenever you feel up to typing it all out.

Third, this could be about having made the (wrong) decision to tell your wife, but believe me it could be about other things too. It is worth your while to consider other scenarios if it might help your situation. You won't lose anything by trying.

I looked at your older posts and you had a discussion with your wife last August, 7 months ago when you told her to like to wear nylons and she asked if you wanted to have sex with men. At the time you felt you should go slowly with her so as not to go overboard. And then there were a series of posts where you were (understandably) enthralled over having experienced girlie moments. I can't say as I blame you, having kept a lid on it all these years.

So here's the situation: you're in one place with all of this (nearly exploding) and your wife is in another (reacting in shock because she is discovering a side of you that is quite developed, that she had no idea about or that she might have thought was a harmless little hobby). This is no time for the "you should have told her earlier or not told her at all" blame game. The reality is, you need to deal with the "now" and the unfortunate reality is, you could not keep a lid on it (judging by your posts) and everyone here will understand this after all these years. And your wife feels overwhelmed and she needs time to catch up. It's bad timing.

If things hadn't reached such an explosive stage for her and such an urgent stage for you, I'd recommend talking to her: lots of talk, while putting the nylons, the hairdos, and everything else on a shelf for awhile until she learned more about this. I would have suggested she join this forum and join the private FAB forum to talk to other wives. I would have suggested you both look online together for resources. But most importantly, I would have suggested you let her know your need to do this (it is not a choice) and your need for her cooperation because you don't want to lose her, and also your willingness to work within her boundaries as long as it takes for her to make an honest effort to learn more about this. Genuinely learn more.

Now we all know that often people say things in anger, situations can look hopeless, but given time for things to calm down (and if there are no other marital issues, also the people involved don't have volatile tempers), things can and do improve.

So please, come back and tell us exactly what happened, try to be as objective as you can, try to stay away from "I should have/shouldn't have/she should have/shouldn't have", and don't spare any details. There's a lot of collective wisdom here (except the member who suggests you might become TS) and we may be able to offer you a plan of action that you hadn't thought of.

[Karenmarie]

Chris, this is really sad. Is this a 1st. response, what I mean is......is there a chance that after she calms down maybe she just might be willing to talk just a little about "it" and not just throw everything away so quickly.
I will say a little prayer for you and her and hope that things will calm down and the two of you can stay together.

[ReineD]

So sad that she couldn't see past her selfishness and try to learn more about the why and how to understand how you feel. Women have a tendency to think and act with their emotion first and then what their friends think before acting on knowledge and reason. It sounds to me that telling her from the start would have had the same effect as telling her now.

I can't believe I didn't see notice this before.

First, you are in NO WAY qualified to determine whether or not Chrismy's wife is selfish, nor do you know if Chrismy's wife has any friends that she discussed this with. Neither Chrismy nor Chrismy's wife have enlightened us with the particular details that caused the situation. It could be anything.

Second, you are way off base with your broad-brush statement that suggests women are devoid of reason and logic. This is downright insulting, coming from a member who participates in a forum where a significant number of members do their best to get in touch with their inner femininity. Are they all devoid of reason and logic as well?

Last, what makes you believe that GGs who have been raised in environments where men were men and women were women, and who have been subject to the same bias against transgenders that causes the vast majority of CDers to purge repeatedly and stay closeted, especially a GG who discovers after 28 years of marriage that her husband is enthralled with femininity (there doesn't appear to have been a slow build-up to this), that she should say what? "Yes dear I understand and I'm happy for you?" She's allowed to be freaked out, given the exuberance that Chrismy (understandably) experiences over having taken the lid off of a lifetime of repression.

It is totally wrong to blame just the wife here. It is a very unfortunate situation for everyone involved, including their children.

[Patty B.]

I can relate also after 28 years I told wife, 1st year was supportive and has been downhill since, real bad. For those of us who grew up in 50's & 60's a totally different world. No information or very little available, I also felt this would go away. Whether this is a good or bad thing only you and your family will be able to determine this as time goes on, I certainly can't give any advice but pay attention to Reine, she has some very useful advice, best wishes.

[Stephanie47]

I'm a little bit older than Patty B. I also grew up in the 1950's and 1960's. I first dabbled with wearing my mother's slips, then clothing. There was no information out there to research. There was no Internet. There were normal girls and boys. Everybody else were "faggots." The word gay had not yet been co-opted by the homosexual community. For those who are young I dare you to get into a time machine and return to those days. You would be totally confused as well. How do you tell a girl of the 1950's and 1960's you feel like any other guy looking to score, BUT, you also like to wear women's clothing. You're going to do just like we did- be confused, deny, self loathe, etc. You're not going to have any legal protection in the work place or church or anywhere in society. You're probably going to get your ass kicked by some brother or cousin of your girl friend.

Fast forward to now. Do you really think the vast majority of women are looking to hook up with a cross dresser. Love may make all of us be blind at some point. Then reality sets in.

I did not realize what a cross dresser was until was able to research the issues on the Internet. My wife and I engaged in bedroom play with lingerie. But, when she and I finally discovered I was a cross dresser she cooled really fast to the idea. It took many years of having a good solid marriage to weather the storms of cross dressing which is strictly in a DADT mode. That is fine with me.

My wife once asked me why I did not tell her earlier. That was after she calmed down over the years. I asked her if she remember how she and her cousin whispered at the kitchen table how the cousin's best friend was getting a divorce (They lived six houses away from us) because she found out her husband was a cross dresser. Sure, come out to the wife and watch your entire life disappear? Be scarred for life? Be scared for life that every knowing eye is looking at you?

It seems too many wives are willing to throw away an otherwise good/terrific marriage. Are they concerned over the relationship with their husband? Or are they concerned about what society may say? "Oh, poor dear, she found out she was married to a cross dresser and did not know it!"

It took my wife a long time to realize I was not too much different than the person she first married. Yes, my cross dressing has been kept private. I do not ask her to participate. She is still not accepting. I can only suggest you and your wife have a serious discussion about your cross dressing. Ask her what her true feelings are.

I know I am going to get a lot of heat for it, BUT, I truly believe finding out a husband is a cross dresser is NOT a reason to dissolve an otherwise good thirty year marriage. I just do not buy into the idea the reason for dissolving the marriage is deceit and withholding information for thirty years.

I have to run to a meeting, so I'll finish this later.

[ReineD]

I know I am going to get a lot of heat for it, BUT, I truly believe finding out a husband is a cross dresser is NOT a reason to dissolve an otherwise good thirty year marriage. I just do not buy into the idea the reason for dissolving the marriage is deceit and withholding information for thirty years.

I agree with you. If the marriage is otherwise good I also believe it can withstand the knowledge that a husband CDs. But, there are two ways to withhold information. For people like you, Eryn, and others, who struggled with this as well and didn't even have a name for it, it is understandable you could not discuss that which you did not know about yourselves. But, there are also CDers who are there: they know what it is, they've joined online communities, they know what they want, but they minimize or deny it to their wives. Like a CDer, for example, who tells his wife he needs to wear nylons in order to help his leg circulation. We're not talking pre-internet days here since forums such as this one have been around for nearly 10 years. We're talking current times involving a CDer whose needs to express herself are so great as to be actively involved and no longer be able to keep a lid on it. A CDer who has already accepted himself and who cannot come clean to his wife. And yes, I know there are many different, other dynamics that can come into play.

I'm not casting blame on the CDer either, but I can see why some of the wives feel lied to as in my example above. But, if a CDer still feels the need to lie to his wife after he has a full understanding of the CDing, then perhaps the marriage does have other issues (the list of potential issues is long) that would then make it difficult to navigate this. It's a complex situation all around.

[suchacutie]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I see that you haven't posted in a while. I hope that means that you and your wife are in some discussions and that she's indicated that shutting down your femme self in all ways is the basis for the beginning of a discussion. In case you are still lurking here I wanted to say that no one here can know the situation you are in, and the only ones who can get close are those who have been rejected once they have opened their hearts only to find rejection.

Life is different now than it was 3 or 4 decades ago, so saying you should have "come clean" (whatever that really means) in the beginning is a bit naive IMHO. One the other side of the coin, the person you are is the same person you were yesterday and the day before that. If your wife doesn't have a religious or moral issue with being transgendered, then there is always hope. If she does have such an issue, then the path is much darker.

There is no good answer here except for getting professional help from a marriage councelor who has knowledge of the details of transgenderism.

My best hopes for both of you!

tina

[Veronica Lacey]

Perhaps after a cooling off period there may be opportunity for reconciliation. As much as you will be missing her would it not seem fair to believe she will be missing many things about you? That could be the basis for gradually bridging the current distances between you both.

[KarenCDFL]

I am so sorry that you and your wife are at an impasse over this.

I am not here to tell you anything, but just a few observations:

What would have happened if you lost a leg in an accident or had cancer or some disfiguring skin disease?

Would she have had the same response to tell you that she was going to split now that you are different than when you were married and you never told me that this may happen to you?

Did you tell her to take a hike when she went through menopause? The life of my wife and myself did a complete change during and after menopause. It was a major ordeal for us. And that was on top of all my medical issues which did not exist when we married.

I just find the above so much worse in life than your wife learning that her husband likes to wear a dress.

I guess it is all about love and priorities.

Others have posted here about maybe this was just the kicker for her to move on. I think they are right and it could have been any major life change so try not to blame yourself.


I have been married 16 years which a a lot less than you and both my wife and I had some days that we both were screaming that we both wanted out, but decided to try to get past the issue (with counseling) and luckily we are still together. Will we stay married till the death do us part? Who the hell knows. We just take it day by day.

I wish the best of luck to the both of you no matter how it goes. And please try to remember that being alone and being lonely are two different things.

[Momarie]

Chrismy, I've been around for a while here, and I'm close to your age, so I do feel entitled to share with you a few things (kindly). I'm a GG.

First, take a deep breath.

Second, tell us what happened exactly. This can wait until tomorrow or the next day, whenever you feel up to typing it all out.

Third, this could be about having made the (wrong) decision to tell your wife, but believe me it could be about other things too. It is worth your while to consider other scenarios if it might help your situation. You won't lose anything by trying.

I looked at your older posts and you had a discussion with your wife last August, 7 months ago when you told her to like to wear nylons and she asked if you wanted to have sex with men. At the time you felt you should go slowly with her so as not to go overboard. And then there were a series of posts where you were (understandably) enthralled over having experienced girlie moments. I can't say as I blame you, having kept a lid on it all these years.

So here's the situation: you're in one place with all of this (nearly exploding) and your wife is in another (reacting in shock because she is discovering a side of you that is quite developed, that she had no idea about or that she might have thought was a harmless little hobby). This is no time for the "you should have told her earlier or not told her at all" blame game. The reality is, you need to deal with the "now" and the unfortunate reality is, you could not keep a lid on it (judging by your posts) and everyone here will understand this after all these years. And your wife feels overwhelmed and she needs time to catch up. It's bad timing.

If things hadn't reached such an explosive stage for her and such an urgent stage for you, I'd recommend talking to her: lots of talk, while putting the nylons, the hairdos, and everything else on a shelf for awhile until she learned more about this. I would have suggested she join this forum and join the private FAB forum to talk to other wives. I would have suggested you both look online together for resources. But most importantly, I would have suggested you let her know your need to do this (it is not a choice) and your need for her cooperation because you don't want to lose her, and also your willingness to work within her boundaries as long as it takes for her to make an honest effort to learn more about this. Genuinely learn more.

Now we all know that often people say things in anger, situations can look hopeless, but given time for things to calm down (and if there are no other marital issues, also the people involved don't have volatile tempers), things can and do improve.

So please, come back and tell us exactly what happened, try to be as objective as you can, try to stay away from "I should have/shouldn't have/she should have/shouldn't have", and don't spare any details. There's a lot of collective wisdom here (except the member who suggests you might become TS) and we may be able to offer you a plan of action that you hadn't thought of.

Reine,

You are the most amazing friend in a time of need.

Lovely and loving response to an emotional thread.

I feel very fortunate you are here.

[Babeba]

Chrismy,
I am sorry that things are going the way they are for you and your family. Life can be so hard sometimes, can't it? To play a 'what if' game is next to impossible... 'What if i hadn't told her' is followed so closely with 'what if she had discovered it on her own'?

It seems important to me that you phrased your OP with saying the only person you cheated in her with was yourself. Is it you or she who feels like there was cheating? Would a marriage counsellor be able to at least bring some peace and closure?


So sad that she couldn't see past her selfishness and try to learn more about the why and how to understand how you feel. Women have a tendency to think and act with their emotion first and then what their friends think before acting on knowledge and reason. It sounds to me that telling her from the start would have had the same effect as telling her now. I hope you are OK and please let us know how you are doing. Love the black dress and pearls BTW.

Jeannie, I saw after I clicked the quote button that Reine has addressed your post. I just want to say that I completely agree with her that what you post is very much unfair to the many GGs who need some time. Chrismy's wife has had months to try to deal with it. Chrismy has had decades, and lives it. OF COURSE they aren't going to be on the same page right away! No one ever said having a TG partner was any easier, but I do believe that two people who have good communication and emotional strength will be able to see the good in each other no matter who they are - if they have the incentive to stay enough to find it.


So very sorry to hear of this. This ought not be, in 2012 America. If she visited a Muslim nation, wearing jeans, t shirt and sneakers, short hair, she may be arrested or killed! Why would she not even discuss a compromise!? This is sad.

I have done this. I was neither arrested nor killed. I sometimes wore less, or saw other women wearing less. I sometimes wore much more. The clothing was not as important as the showing of respect to the culture I was surrounded by. In travel, in cultures and in life, respect truly is a two-way thing.

[April_Ligeia]

Sorry to hear this. I was divorced after 16 years, certainly less than you, but it is just plain difficult. I think only the people who have been through it know how it feels. I thought of at least a dozen "reasons" my marriage didn't work, but finally realized that I just unfortunately landed in the divorced 50% instead of the married 50%. None of us see it coming, I hope you are okay. The worst for me was the effect it had on my kids, I also hope your kids are okay.

[corrinediane]

Why are you moving? Don't let her punish you for being honest. If you've been with her for 28 years I imagine you've been dressing a bit longer. She'll threaten you with telling everyone or whatever. So what? They're are strict laws that protect all of us from discrimination. Does she have a job, career? Take all of this into consideration and stand up! Fight for what is yours. Punished for honesty? I have two words for her!

[chrismy]

Aylineira ... i have no idea how things went so bad so fast. i am truely astoundsounded

[ThiHi]

It's always about communication. chrismy, i'm so sorry what's happening, but slow down, talk, get counseling. Together is best, but start with yourself. Some of us, that means me, take a long long time to come to terms and accept ourselves. ReineDs post is a key one, if you truly want assistance from this diverse but caring group. Good luck.

[Momarie]

I am heartened by those who are willing to see both sides of this experience we share.
Who are patient, caring and have empathy for each other.

"As already said, our feelings are with you. Life as you well know deals different hands for no apparent reason. You have just been dealt the opportunity to prove to the one you love why you love her and to teach her who you are and that you are not someone to fear. It's an opportunity only you can decide how to address."

I am disheartened when I read how quickly a woman who has no voice is discredited here...

"Why are you moving? Don't let her punish you for being honest. If you've been with her for 28 years I imagine you've been dressing a bit longer. She'll threaten you with telling everyone or whatever. So what? They're are strict laws that protect all of us from discrimination. Does she have a job, career? Take all of this into consideration and stand up! Fight for what is yours. Punished for honesty? I have two words for her!

"So sad that she couldn't see past her selfishness and try to learn more about the why and how to understand how you feel. Women have a tendency to think and act with their emotion first and then what their friends think before acting on knowledge and reason. It sounds to me that telling her from the start would have had the same effect as telling her now."

These are just a couple of examples from one thread.....

[docrobbysherry]

Chris, thanks for posting! There's a LESSON HERE for all CDs willing to think about it!

If U R NOT planning to come out of the closet, WHY do u feel the need to TELL ANYONE about your "hobby"? After all, it's a lot like toothpaste you've squeezed out. It's NEVER going back in and things will NEVER be like they were!

I lost a close girlfriend I'd had for over 30 years because of my need to, "Tell someone!" BIG MISTAKE!

[chrismy]

many thanks to everyone here for thier opinions. a lot of good stuff from which i will take a lot. ) what a forum with many unique insights... my thanks again ... chris
ps .... took some time out for myself today and had big hair thursday a day early .... 4 hours to make my hair do this .... worth every minute and felt out of this world....

[JulieK1980]

I'm sorry that things turned sour on you. Maybe in time she'll come around and realize the marriage can survive. Then again maybe she won't. Either way, you both have a chance to move forward to a better place, either together or not. I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet though, I remember when I told my wife back when we were dating, she debated leaving me for awhile, but after a lot of soul searching she decided what we had was worth working through, and now she is the epitome of acceptance. Who knows, give her time, give her space, and above all LISTEN to what she has to say.

Good luck to the both of you!

[shawnsheila]

Hey Chrismy,
My wife stumbled upon my stash back in 2005 and it wasn't until recently (a few weeks ago) she decided to go to a PALS meet (support group for women who have a cross dressing husband) and also spoke to a counselor who specializes in gender identity. Once she figured out that it was not her fault and that nothing was wrong with her, she completely did a 180 and has been supportive of me. At the same time I had to open up and be 100% honest with her about my cross dressing, including my purchases, which I gladly do and always wanted to do... it just takes time. She and I are still working on boundaries but she loves me so much that she even bought me a closet, hung my clothes and stored my shoes in it then told me that I should not have to hid my clothes under the basement stairs in a plastic garbage bag. All i could do is hug her and tell her i loved her.... it takes time (7 years in my case)

[ChristineReid]

It's a horrible situation to deal with. My wife discovered my knee length balck suede boots in my suitcase when she was concealing my valentine card earlier this year. She came straight down and challenged me 'Why have you got a pair of high heeled boots in your bag?'. The ultimate in balck comedy...

I had always feared the worst - but she has actually come to terms with it very well and it is now allowing me to express myself more fully in all sorts of ways and I feel that it helps us both move on to better things.

Uncomfortable as it may sound - if the relationship can't take this revelation then it is probably a sign that it wasn't a really worthwhile relationship in the first place and should be seen as an opportunity to move on to develop who you really are and find a relationship with more depth. Not that that is any real solace in the short term - but may be seen more in hindsight.