concerned wife of crossdresser

[CdD Janessa]

my wife found out about me crossdressing and now she is concerned about me. she has helpd me to dress once but since then she has not let me. she thinks my fetish is wrong but i find it fun. i want to know how to get her support and let me dress and have my fantasy ive always dreamed of. i wish she was like some of the crossdressers wives on here that are supportive of their husbands. i would like any help i can get to get her to support me.

[DanaR]

For most of us, it didn't happen over night. It took my wife a long time to accept this part of me. She did give me my girl time though. When she came to accept this was when I asked her to go a Emerald City (Seattle crossdresser group) Christmas party. When I initially asked her she was unsure and then was on the fence for several weeks. After the party, she came up to me and gave me a big hug and said that she had a great time and now understood. Since then she has gone out with me in other cities and events around here. We are selective where she goes out with me. If someone recognized her, most likely they would recognize me.

[mbmeen12]

I would work on marriage first, counseling for you and her.
now she is concerned about me This statement to me is vital, she is concerned as opposed moved out to mothers /family. So a base line is established for a stronger viable relationship. Good luck, crawl, walk, run and watch out for the pink fog... I do wish the best of luck and write your priorities down and work them....

[Joanne f]

Understanding hopefully comes before support , if you can get your wife to understand why you like to do it then maybe in time she might support you in the way you would like her to .

[Kristy_K]

There is no sure answer for getting your wife to accept your CDing. Communication and education on CDing is the best place to start for the both of you.

Good luck,
Kristy

[muzzy]

I told my gf after 6 months and now she buys my panties and lingerie to keep me happy.I wish you were in my situation xoxo

[Noortje]

i want to know how to get her support and let me dress and have my fantasy ive always dreamed of.

i would like any help i can get to get her to support me.

Not to be too confrontational, but your attitude sounds a bit selfish the way you express it here. You say you want us to give you the tools needed to get your wife to do what you want her to do. Well, she is not your property and her desires and wishes are equally as important in your marriage as yours. You can always discuss your desires with her, and try to find a way to work them into your marriage together. But her wishes must be satisfied too, and if she's not into what you're into, you're out of luck.


i wish she was like some of the crossdressers wives on here that are supportive of their husbands.

Relationships only work when both partners make an effort to listen to each other, and try to give each other what they need. It is not the wives that are special, it is the relationships. Both partners work hard to make this happen, both partners have to give and take, and the result will be a compromise. Maybe your wife is exactly like the wives you are so impressed by, but you spend too much time focused on your own needs, and too little on hers?

[siennacd]

I agree with what others have said. It takes time and a lot of talking. Your wife may never accept it so be prepared to deal that possibility. I would suggest that you guys find someone to talk to.

[Laura912]

What Noortje said may seem a little harsh but it is reality and needs to be carefully considered. Note that most are urging caution and going slowly. This really is not about you but about both of you. You may not get all that you want. Can you live with that? Many here did not get what they wanted but have learned to accommodate. Accommodation is not frequently used in these issues but should be. Also, go read the post about worst idea ever. Do you want that to be you?

[ChristyJoyce]

Jeremiah, be careful of what you wish for... the more CDing you do and the farther you go, the more you will alienate your wife and destabilize your marriage if she is not willing to accept your trans behavior. My wife has always known about my dressing and initially thought it was fun and helped me shop, dress and do my makeup, but after a few years, she really began to resent me for it. Now, I've only been out publicly for six months now, going out fully dressed and making friends in the TG community and our marriage has never been under more pressure. I can't imagine going back and "killing" that part of my life as I've made lots of friends and Christina has a life of her own now. My wife absolutely hates it and it's really hurt her respect in me. But it's like "once you open Pandora's Box, you can't close it"... Had I not gone out publicly and created this "double life" for myself, I would have probably still been content to dress andro, which she accepted much more readily. You do have a choice and you can and should prioritize both your wife's and your needs together, assuming your wife is like most and resent this behavior. Good luck!

[Silentpartner GG SO]

I couldnt agree more - Noortje's post is realistic and fair. There is no magic formula to make your wife accept and even participate -I can add nothing further to the very honest and sensible posts before mine.

I accept my husband's CD'ing and he doesnt try to push the boundaries which I might add he has set for himself - its a loving compromise and mutual respect for each other

[sonna]

all i can say is take it slow, dont rush it and try to meat in the middle.

[daarleane]

My only advice is to love and respect your wife. Try and put her needs first and just take tiny baby steps. If you haven't already, try and establish a real relationship with her. If there is real love it will work itself out over time. Share and enjoy common interests with her, spoil her.

[Wonderwho]

Stop! Remember it is your dream or desire to change the way you dress. You have to face the fact that you are asking your wife to accept that she may be losing the man she married and having this man replaced by a woman. There is the possibility that your wife looks at CDing as aform of cheating. You are really having an affair with your self. It took many long nights of tears and confessions before my wife and I came even close to any real plan for us to move ahead. Think how you would feel if she wanted to have another man in the bedroom. There is a lot time to work thru all of this. go slow and show her the respect and love she is due,
Best to you and go slow. Wonderwho

[kimdl93]

As others have already said, this can't be solely about you getting to enjoy your fantasies. Its really about your relationship with your wife. You need to talk with her, learn to understand her concerns and her feelings. Don't minimize or negate anything that she brings up, but rather listen and let her know that you will seriously think about what she has shared. Then at some agreed upon time, have another conversation to talk about how you can try to alleviate her concerns.

Don't expect her to be transformed into a different person. At this point, you should simply strive to helping her put her fears to rest. That may be as good as it gets.

[Tina B.]

i want to know how to get her support and let me dress and have my fantasy Ive always dreamed of.

There is no magic button, Some raised in Conservative involvementnt may never be able to accept it, some may be able to accept part of it, if not pushed to do things they are bothered by participationon) and then some learn to tolerate it. But either you are lucky or your not, there is nothing you can do that will make her like it, if she doesn't want to like it. For a few of us, we got lucky, and found a women that can accept it, finds it to be no big deal because it's about clothes, not what we mean to each other. Then you get a women that treats you like you want, buys nice femininene gifts for you, known to show up with flowers, and all that good stuff, but it doesn't mean that we did anything other than pick the right women, and got lucky and found out she was as great as we thought.
There is just no way you can control what a person thinks, but honesty can help, make it work for her, (help do the "women's work") and treat her special, after all that's what you are asking her to do for you. Make yourself so special in her eye's, by treating her as a princess, and then maybe, just maybe she just might want to make you a little extra happy!
Tina B.

[Aloha Jayne]

jeremiah,

If you ever find out......let me know

[JessHaust]

Best way is to find and meet other CD's and their wives in person. The best forum is just words on a screen. She needs to see others to understand that you are not some strange freak. Often maligned here, Tri-Ess is one good place to start. Local meetup groups are another. Oh, please don't confuse meetup groups with hookup groups. I have seen the two quoted on this forum as the same, they are not. Meetups are just social groups for friends, no sex involved, hookup groups.... Well you know.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

As other's have said go very slow and tread very carefully on these waters. When I told my wife I could not have asked for a more accepting or supportive response. Keeping that in mind on the night I told her, she did not immediately respond by suggesting I change into girl mode, and we go shopping, etc. It was more of a she needed time to take all of this in, and realize she did not know completely everything about the guy she had been dating for the past year currently. Consider your coming out much in the same speed as a first date at a coffee shop, there will be a lot of talking and learning about each other before moving on to more serious things.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

If there were a tried and true way to get our wives to accept our crossdressing than we would probably all have done it by now. Every situation is different so you need to first understand what it is you want out of the crossdressing, ie; how much, how often, do you want to go full time etc..... Once you can honestly say what you want then you can let her know where you want to take this to. Ideally you should have brought this up before you got married, I'm not one to talk since I told my wife after 19 years. I wish that I would have known all the things I know now because I would have told her everything and my life would probably be entirely different since ultimately I would have wanted to go full time enfemme. Times are much different now so decide what it is you want otherwise neither one of you will be happy.

[Cheryl T]

Talk, talk, talk...be open and honest about what it means to you, how it began and where you want it to go.
My wife's biggest concerns were that I might be gay....NO....and that this was in some way compensation for things she lacked...NO AGAIN!

Your wife needs to hear your thoughts, be able to ask her questions and get open, honest responses from you.
This site helped us very much. After my wife would read the threads we would talk about what others had said. It helps to see that we all have different likes, needs and reasons for being here, but one thing we all want is support.

[Karren H]

Once she flopped to the negative side.... Very few if any flop back to be supportive... At best you can hope for her to ingore it as long as you keep it out of her face.... And you can do the "baby steps" crap but that's just going to prolong the agony.... imho. So either go back into hiding.... Or quit now (like you can). Or go find a good divorce lawyer before she does...

[ReineD]

I agree with the others. It takes time for a GG to understand what this is all about, let alone accept and support it (if she is willing to veer from traditional gender views). And there is a lot of confusing information online, for example the umpteen sites devoted to CD/TS porn, gay dating & meetups, etc.

I'm assuming your fantasies do not center around having sex with men or solo while you are dressed?

You could begin by giving your wife some resources to read, and then explain to her that the CDing is a need and not a choice. And ask her to work with you in order to allow your feminine expression in a way that will not violate her comfort levels, even if this is eventually blocking out some time during the week when you can dress while she is busy doing other things. You can also ask your wife to join this site. We do have a support section for the wives (the FAB forum). She'll need to register under her own name, and she can find instructions on how to access FAB on our index page.

This is the link that my SO sent me in the very beginning, when he first told me about the CDing:
http://www.tri-ess.org/cd01.html

This is another good resource:
http://www.chi-chapter.org/chi_chapter_perspective.html

And last, two posts written by a GG who was a member here years ago:
How To Tell Your Partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner)
Now I Like It, Now I Don't (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t)

[girlygirly]

Once she flopped to the negative side.... Very few if any flop back to be supportive... At best you can hope for her to ingore it as long as you keep it out of her face.... And you can do the "baby steps" crap but that's just going to prolong the agony.... imho. So either go back into hiding.... Or quit now (like you can). Or go find a good divorce lawyer before she does...
Have there been any divorce cases where crossdressing has been defended as a genetic predispostion?

It would be interesting to see this issue presented in court as a wife abandoning her husband, over a genetic condition he can't adequately control, since we all know how the most advanced thinkers in the psychiatric community have come to view crossdressing.

[Jenniferathome]

First, let me state that YOU can not "get her to support you.". She has to get there on her own. Your fantasy is not hers. What you can do is talk to her openly and try to address all her fears and/or misconceptions. Only she will decide if she is ok with your crossdressing. If she is not, you two still need to work out a "truce" where you can be what you are and you do not offend her. Discussion is the only path to nirvana.

[Miriam-J]

i want to know how to get her support and let me dress and have my fantasy ive always dreamed of. i wish she was like some of the crossdressers wives on here that are supportive of their husbands. i would like any help i can get to get her to support me.
Perhaps this was just a bad choice of words, but I agree with a few of the others that this smacks of selfishness. It sounds as though you want to manipulate your wife into choices she never would have made otherwise. Any relationship requires both parties to move forward to a shared position that both can accept. You can only discover your common endpoint by frequent, open communication and a lot of (that unholy word) compromise by those involved. If you can't find a common endpoint that's acceptable to both, then you have much deeper problems than just crossdressing. Keep talking, and figure out where you want to go in your lives. Then figure out how the crossdressing fits into your shared life, anything from Don't Ask Don't Tell to full sharing.

Miriam

[CdD Janessa]

i appreciate everyones advice on how to slowly work through this with her. we are taking things slowly i have gotten to dress once since i completey came out of the closet to her. i am also seeking counseling which is going good i think. just myself is going to counseling at the moment but eventually i will be bringing her with me. I am trying to take baby steps to gain her trust and support for me and doing my best to stay patient. Does anyone know of any local support groups in the southwest kansas area, such as dodge city. I really appreciate all of your replys it is giving me more respect toward my wife and her views on this. I think with time she may come to accept it, we keep a very open relationship about this and i try to only talk about it with her if she wants to.

[Barbara Ella]

The posts here just echo what I would/have said, as a result of my situation with my loving wife. What Karren says may be true, that if you piss her off enough to make her totally negative, she will never come back. Your issues are to forget yourself right now. Your crossdressing is not the issue, and if you dont get to do it for a few weeks, suck em up girl. It is your wife's life that is changing, not yours. At most, yours may be modified a bit. Hers is under assualt. Now, this assault is not as dire as she may think, but that is usually because she is so uncertain and hasnt had the answers she needs to assuage her fears. This takes time, and is not designed to convince her you are right and can do whatever you want. It is for her to learn about who you are, and why you need to do this. Now is not the time to be talking about what you might or might not want to do in the future. keep it real, and in the present. Love her, respect her, and trust her.

Babes

[ReineD]

Jeremiah, when I read your first post I took it you wrote it quickly, and it wasn't all about fantasy for you and also (please don't take this the wrong way), you are young maybe in your 20s?

I'm glad you're taking it slowly and also given the age I suspect your are, your chances of working through this are greater than if you were in your 40s or 50s and your wife was finding out for the first time. I'm also happy that you and your wife will be seeking counseling together. They may or may not be able to give you any answers, but at least you will both be placed in a position of having to talk about this. I hope your therapist is familiar with transgender issues, although it boggles my mind that any therapist in our day and age wouldn't be. :hugs:

As to support groups in your area, check this out, if only to call them and get more resources:

http://www.kansasequalitycoalition.org/southwestks/index.php?sid=292f72681f0e6f58a5f903f60a792f6e

Also, please do read the links I gave you in post #23 and share with your wife what you feel is appropriate, and also consider inviting her to join this forum.

[Karenmarie]

My 1st. wife seemed to be OK with it as long as I agreed to see a profesional so that I could be "cured". She passed away from cancer, but at least I had a decent start, but I told her that the doctor would not give me a pill and I would be all better. As it turned out, she got the cancer and of course, all converstions as to my CDing stopped.
Good luck and TAKE IT SLOW like everyone is telling you too.

[sometimes_miss]

Tread carefully. At first, my ex was horrified. Then we went through therapy, and she tried to be accepting. A few years later, she realized she couldn't really deal with it, hated that I wasn't 'who she thought I was' when we got married, became furious, and blackmailed me with the crossdressing during the divorce.

[Jessica86]

You say that your wife is concerned. She participated once.....so part of her has to be at least a little okay with it. This is not something that can be forced on someone, just as no person can force it from you. If it is not what she wants, she should be able to express it, and you should understand. However, when I told my wife, I went through the same thing. She dressed me, then stopped, and then came back with questions. Now, we dress together all of the time. She is probably going through those thousands of questions that flood a wife's mind when they find out their husband is different. Does he want a sex change? Is he gay? Am I good enough for him? Etc...just talk to her and find out what is on her mind. Time is key, even though it's hard not to rush such a subject.