Very Confusing Times

[Nicola2876]

After years of therapy and being diagnosed transgender a letter was sent to my GP for me to go ahead and finally start the journey of transition to become the person I was meant to be. I was frightened as I am married with kids and havent told my family anything but was pushing on as I know I am female and my male body is a mistake. I was removing my leg and body hair and hidng my body from my wife, not having sex as I wanted to avoid questions about my body.

This was last August. I set a date to see my GP and I was set to do it and then Bam! It stopped. Over night I felt differently. For months It went away. I didnt dress, shave or do anything remotely femiine. My sex drive went up. I wanted to have sex and felt attraction to women like never before.

Then last week I dressed in my favourite clothes and it all came rushing back. The need to be female returned as quickly as it went away. I am back where I was before but I am confused. What happened?

Im not proud of this next part but I have started to take female birth control pillsin the hope they start to make me for feminine. I know I must be mad but will they? I need to see my GP and will but I am so unhappy that I will try anything.

Im in tears writing this but I wanted to share this with you

Nicola xx

[Julia_in_Pa]

I completely agree with Vanessa concerning finding a GP and a therapist NOW!
I'm sorry your going through this.
You are not in a good mental place right now to do anything else but to see health professionals immediately.
We are here for you Nicola.


Julia

[kimdl93]

I heartily endorse the advice above. You need to engage a good therapist and quit taking those birth control pills!

[Aprilrain]

Birth control pills aren't enough if taken as intended, one pill a day.

I agree with the others, get a therapist since you are obviously conflicted. Its probably time to have a discussion with your wife as well.

[Nicola2876]

I know I need to sort this out and tell my family and deal with what happens next. The scary bit is in getting the one thing I want destroying everything I have. I know I need to see my GP and I promise I will soon. Im so frustrated with myself cos I know what I need to do and I know I will never be happy until I do it but I am not doing it. Im just scared

[Inna]

You haven't been born yet!!!

I know, above statement is horrid to think and all that we know from the past seems pointless, but in the most bizarre of ways all that had happened meant to happen to get you to this point. The point at which we realize that prebirth is over, that we are set for real birth, but our selves not being ready, simply because we will never be ready to shed painful comfort of what we built, castles made of sand! But in order to this most wonderful of births, to be accomplished, we must jump off into an abyss without comfort or safety.
Go ahead babe, I KNOW of TRUTH and LOVE so mesmerizing and powerful I seldom thought possible, yet it exists just on the other side.

[Stephenie S]

Dear, ditch the birth control pills. They will do NOTHING to help you at all. But it just might annoy the person you are stealing them from. The amount of estrogen in birth control pills is a tiny fraction of what is needed to have any effect at all on your male body. Also you need some form of testosterone blocker.

Why don't you keep that appointment with your doc and see what happens when you do this the right way?

S

[EnglishRose]

I know I need to sort this out and tell my family and deal with what happens next. The scary bit is in getting the one thing I want destroying everything I have. I know I need to see my GP and I promise I will soon. Im so frustrated with myself cos I know what I need to do and I know I will never be happy until I do it but I am not doing it. Im just scared

I understand it's scary having been there myself, and my heart goes out to you. However as others like April have mentioned, you do need to talk because I can only imagine how many times worse it will be if you actually start changing beforehand. How much more hurt will your wife be?

[Rachel Smith]

Nicola,

I too am married with a daughter who is 32. Please talk to your wife. I will not tell you it's easy because it's not but it is a necessary evil. What I found out was although she could only tolerate Rachel a couple times a year at first, then a couple times a month she didn't really hate me. She just couldn't get her head around it so to speak ahe said she married Randy not Rachel and I understand the completely. We had many tearful chats and though now we live apart we are not legally separated or looking for divorce. We did find out just how much we DO love each other. What I don't like is hurting her to be happy, she is still and will always be my best friend on the planet.

[Anna Lorree]

I know I need to sort this out and tell my family and deal with what happens next. The scary bit is in getting the one thing I want destroying everything I have. I know I need to see my GP and I promise I will soon. Im so frustrated with myself cos I know what I need to do and I know I will never be happy until I do it but I am not doing it. Im just scared

I understand completely, I am in the same stage of all of this. The only difference between you and I are the continents we call home and the fact that I have told my wife.

I know and understand your fears, and your needs.


Anna