? Transitioning late in life

[Rachel Smith]

As you all know I am 56. My question is for those that transitioned in their 40's or later. How did your family react? Parents, children and grandchildren? Did you lose most of your friends or at least those you thought were friends?

Thanks in advance for your participation.

Love
Rachel

[Shapeshiffter]

Hi. I'm 58 and so far the only person with a problem is my GF's brother. My mother is fine with it. I do have 3 other friends that seem a little distant, not sure about them yet.

Brighid

[Kelsy]

Hi Rachel,
I started transition a year ago about a week before my 56th birthday. Late transitioners usually have lives filled with commitments and friends and family
and lives based mainly on the male role and transition is fraught with the dangers of loss. The best advice is that you need to be prepared - prepared for the worst!
My experience has been that some of the people you expect to be ok with it are not and many of the people you expect to reject you do not. I have lost my daughter and my youngest son haven't spoken to them in a year and cannot see my grand kids. Everyone else in my family are supportive to varying degrees. Be aware that some of the initial supporters may become distant and unsuportive when they realize that you are serious and begin to exhibit changes and progress in your outward presentation.

Good luck Kelsy

[noeleena]

Hi,

Im 64 Jos 60 ,Jos & i , have 3 grown up adults two boys & 1 girl, 33, 35, 36, have 9 grand kids under 15, one grand girl spent many years of her life with me going away on camps meeting many people & was a part of what i did , she allso spent a lot of time with Jos as well .

She has grown up with us as a very special girl....... she is my child who i could never give birth to,......
Being I S has its up s & downs, & in many ways does have a toll. wev got through that .

Kaylyn she has 4 kids, has accepted im a woman im allso her dad,she still calls me dad just the same. Nathan has had probs accepting im a woman so we are slowly getting there, itll still take a long time before he will really accept im a I S who is both male / female, they have 1 kid'e,

Cliff has accepted yet does have his moments still his dad they have 4 kids.

Jos has accepted i am a women who is different & understands yes we spent 35 out of 37 years together, we are still close as frirends , two women , & our history is about us Jos & i . our family is still tight & pretty close.

Our grand kids im just who i am i see them spend time with them & they dont care what i wear,

A funny detail is Nathan & his wife, prefer me not to dress as in my womens clothes as thinking thier son could catch from me what i have or another way think he'll wont to wear female clothes, now i dont own or have any male clothes ,

So Jos & i talked about this & to keep our son & co happy when i see them i'll wear shorts & a tee no make up or earings & the like, so really it does not matter to me what i wear if it means to keep the peace ill do it,

Oh , i cant hide my breasts now that is so funny so who's fooling who thier son will know that as he gets older. gee so much for the clothes i'll just wait & he'll say why have you got breasts. he he ,oh well till then i have to smile at thier thinking. never mind.

Our grandchild is now 9 she spent most of her early life growing up with us , Now as i said being intersexed does mean there are some changes not quite the same as trans people yet some details are , no matter, because Dejarn knew me so well knew what i looked like & yes that included surgerys knew what i wore / wear, , so you have to realise she was a part of our family Jos & I, as though she was my daughter. really she was. thats how close we were & are,

I did not or Jos lose any friends fact is we have gained more for my self could i say, & please it is true i have more friends now than i have ever had before in 56 years of my life, in the 100's ,

I know that many trans do lose family & friends, real ones i mean, well are they ?? .....

Of cause for now any way Jos & i are parted yet we are both stronger for what we went through yes it was 8 years of ...HELL...make no mistake on that,

We still do things together are still close & will be,

If you have any ?'s please do ask im very open .

...noeleena...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Transitioning late in life can simplify things greatly.

Everyone will respond differently. I didn't lose any family members except we decided to divorce (amicably in the end). My kids are teenagers and after a really rough year or so, they realized how "normal" it was ..
My parents, brother and sister all ended up helping me alot including coming across the country to support me during surgeries...My sister didn't support me at first, but i waited her out..

I did give up my corporate job..they didn't want me, and i didn't want to be where i wasnt wanted...so i moved on from that...

+++++++++++++++
You can't control other people. There are people that may hate/misunderstand/feel loss about what you are doing.
They are going through alot if you transition..
They have invested in their relationship with you.
They likely have meaningful emotions like fear/loss/confusion and perhaps feel betrayed by you... let them because they are right to feel these things..

YOUR job is to thrive as a woman.. SUCCEED in your transition... this is the ONLY thing you can control...let everything else slide...mean comments, funny looks, judgemental opinions, getting reamed out by them, getting the religion speech...etc...listen to them, hear their concerns and quietly let them know you HAVE to do this...you still love them and then SHOW them....
but if they love you.. its up to YOU to THRIVE in your transition..

Here's the secret we can learn through transition.. It's "normal"...Have some trust in others that tell you this...let it give you confidence that with persistence and patience, your own accomplishments (and transition is an accomplishment) will serve to comfort your loved ones..

There are no promises...and some girls here have lost their families over this...it's not their fault...they did nothing wrong..and despite my optimism, you do need to be ready to hit a brick wall with your family and friends..

my most practical advice is to keep this to yourself (except for your wife/SO)..
LEarn everything...make your decision to transition or not..if not, then thats great,
if so, try really hard to think of which person in your life is most likely to support you...talk to them about this when you are CERTAIN that you are transitioning...don't write them...look them in the eye...show them how confident, determined and excited you are...calm their fears...if you can't do this, you are not ready to transition...if you make the right call, you have a supporter...and that person can be very helpful when you are not around...when "they" are talking about you having people support can be very helpfull

[Diane Elizabeth]

I am almost 60. I started a few years ago in transitioning. I am not 24/7 as yet. My son and future DiL know and my SO and stepson know. I haven't lost them yet. I am working on a letter to send to my mother next. Coming out at work by the end of July.

I do have a friend that lost her whole family when she transitioned. She transitioned back in the 90's when she was in her early 40's. Not allowed to see any of her grandkids.

[Kristy_K]

Hi Rachel,

I am 57 and transitioned 9/2011. I have been working at the same place for over 25 yrs. About 97% of the people there accepted my transition. They also told me that they like how happy I was all the time. Which happiness is like money sometimes, everyone wants some to enjoy.

When I decided to transition I really thought that I would be living a very quit and lonely life, but it would be at least as a female and that alone would make me happy. Wow was I ever wrong on that one. I am always on the go now and I have more friends then ever in my life. It is almost like being reborn again and starting over.

Kristy

[Diane Elizabeth]

Kristy, I just met you a week ago and I would have to wonder what you meant as to what was this "quiet life" that you mentioned really is about. I cannot picture you living a quiet life, at all.

[Inna]

I honestly believe that we tend to see destruction and loss in much graver light then it really is. However, some unfortunate souls do loose everyone, and such is beyond my comprehension, for most, we retain true love and in the essence learn how mesmerizing and unconditional it really is. I had lost 2 of my circle of loved ones, my wife of 23 years and father, but beyond, I have experienced love I didn't know existed throughout rest of my family and friends.

There is just no way to know who shell remain and who will flee, but such is the path of truth and it alone is worth every bit of pain and sorrow we must endure on this trip towards SELF.
I also had learned that those who carry burden within their hearts, some sort of secret, will be the first to depart your company. It is so because they them selves are not strong enough to bring such secret to light and flee as far away from you as possible. But in the same, we become beacons of hope and the light to those who are lost and in the dark, who would think that we, of all people be inspirational and supportive, but I found out first hand that such was my case and those who remained at my side told me that I had become their inspiration in strength and blind pursuit of truth no matter the consequence.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Rachel, Kaitlyn has given you some very good advice in her reply so I won't try to cover the same ground.

Although I fit in your target population having begun my transition at 54, I am not very typical because my dysphoria never allowed me to marry or raise a family and also becvause of the way that most people found out about my transition.

My father who at that time was 88 has been absolutely marvellous. When I first told him about being transgender he replied "well, whatever happens you will always be my child". He did ask, and I promised, that I would think seriously about how transition might affect me, so when I later told him that I was going ahead he was happy to offer me whatever support he can.

It took a while for my oldest brother and my sister-in-law to get their heads around the news, but they are cool now - it might help that their children were so supportive of my decision. My other brother had the nicest reaction after I told him. A few days after that news, he wrote to me to say sorry for not having recognised the torment I was going through and that he wished he could have helped me through that time. This despite having real problems in his own life.

There were some of my friends who I didn't expect to understand, but they came to me privately to offer any help that I might need (in one person's words "even if you just need to let off steam to someone"). Another friend who is retired from an army career came up to me at a friend's party to offer his support, that meant a lot to me because I know he was struggling with the idea of transition.

At work, not only have the company been officially supportive, but people who never gave Robert a second look now treat me as a valued friend.

Most of the people around where I live learned of my transition through the newspapers. one of those came out of his house to talk to me as I was on my way to work and said that although he had initially been shocked by the news - coming out of the blue as it did - he wanted me to promise that if anyone gave me grief I would talk to him about it and let him help. Even some of my political opponents have come up to me to offer support.

[Rachel Smith]

Thank you all for your open and honest responses. They helped me a lot and I now realized it may not be all daggers and darts. I do live with two people now that will except me no matter what my decision is so that helps. Today I am going to my GP to get help in finding a therapist as it seems that is where everyone starts. The longest journey starts with a single step has been said many times. Today is my first step thanks to all of you here.

Love
Rachel

[Stephenie S]

You are 56? Oh my dear. You are but a child. What a wonderful age to be. Put a couple of decades on and see how you feel.

How will everyone react? WHO CARES! Whose life are you living, anyway? Theirs or yours? At some point you just have to act for yourself.

Sorry to be so blunt, but get moving already.

Stephie

[Kristy_K]

Good luck Rachel. The journey is so much easier when you can be yourself and life is so much more enjoyable when you can be who you really are.

Kristy

[Traci Elizabeth]

In my case, both my parents had already passed away. All other family members including my wife have accepted me 100% after the initial shock and some time to realize that I was so much more happier as a woman than I ever was pretending to be a man. The only EXCEPTION was my wife's sister's husband who is a gun tooting, beer drinking "good Ole boy> Need I say more. But I don't see him anymore and that is perfectly fine with me. He thinks I am an abomination and going to rot in hell for changing genders but I could care less what he thinks.

I transitioned when my wife and I moved out of state which was perfect timing and save a lot of heartaches and trying to explain to close neibors we socialized with as well as friends, associates, and co-workers.

But in all honesty,, I do not think any of our experiences are going to be an indicator of your. We are all different with totally different relationships and circumstances.

[Rachel Smith]

Stephenie thanks for making me smile.

Love Rachel

[kellycan27]

I think it would be harder later on in life. people tend to pick up baggage as they go along their merry way. I would think that a lot of their peers would be subject to a lot of "old school" thinking when it comes right down to it. Transitioning would be tough on a long term career as Kaitlyn mentioned. Wives ,friends, family.........
I started mine at 20. My peers were a bit more enlightened, and adults really didn't pay me much mind.. like it was some kind of fad or something. I am not saying that transitioning was a piece of cake, but just from the many posts I have read and the problems that many relate to transitioning, I'd have to say that I did have a much easier time than many others. YMMV.

Kel

[Kimberly Long]

Rachel, my prays are with you, I know you can do it. I did it much later than you and happy with the results. I will be 72 next month and NEVER REGRET making the transition. Every day is so wonderful, I wish you the best on your journey.
Love Kimberly

[ArleneRaquel]

Best wishes rachel, I know that your decision has not been easy.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Actually, there is a limit at which time you can not transition. It's called DEATH! Prior to that, there are no age barres.

[Kristy_K]

Actually, there is a limit at which time you can not transition. It's called DEATH! Prior to that, there are no age barres.

That reminds me of a person that I heard about transition at 78 years old after there wife passed away. They didn't even have to wait a full year for there SRS.

Kristy