How far will she go?

[Nigella]

This is aimed at those who are out to their SO, but I am not putting any restrictions on who can answer.

We all know there are many levels of acceptance from our SOs, I am one of the fortunate ones whos SO is supporting me right to the end, that is full SRS.

How many of you believe that your SOs level of acceptance would go that far, would stay with you beyond SRS? Those who do not feel that the full route is for you, do you think your SO would be as supportive as they are now?

A more difficult question, and I understand if no-one answers this, those who have lost an SO because of the possibility of SRS, why do you think that was the deal breaker?

[suchacutie]

My SO is completely supportive. Having said that, we do have agreements. One is that when she wants her man, she gets him. To me that seems completely fair since that's who she married and we only found Tina together 6 years ago. I'm pretty sure she would be quite unhappy with me as a full-time girl after SRS.

[stacycoral]

I don't think my SO would go for a full time girl, it is not in the plan anyway, She does like to spend time with Stacy, and that makes me happy, i could not know what it would be like to have my SO in the dark, i enjoy my girl time so much, and she is like a mother hen, when she thinks anyone is getting near to me,

[Jacqueline Winona]

NO, I don't think she could handle that, fortunately it isn't something I would consider. How far is she willing to go? Hard to say, she struggles with this, and I feel for her and try to make it as easy as I can. The two steps forward, three steps back, I don't want to know, I do want to subtley help mindset that she has tells me she really does care for me and wants me to be happy, it just will never be something she can embrace. Tolerate, yes, participate, no. But I'm fine with that, the marriage is much more important than anything else, and so long as that stays strong (and really, it is), we are good.

[sissystephanie]

My late wife was totally supportive of my CD'ing, but knew that I never had any idea of actually becoming a woman! I was born a man and intend to die a man!! With that in mind we had a very happy almost 50 years together!

[Marleena]

You have a wonderful SO, Nigella.:) She obviously loves you and supports you through all of life's struggles...

As for me, I'll just remain TG anyways so she is fine with that.

[Rita D]

My wife would NOT like that at all; but I am one who is totally happy with the status quo; so it is not even a concern for me.

[diannecourtney]

Holy cow, when my ex found my size 12 heels, all she said was how far are you going with this and my answer was "just to old to think about it. So the very liberal lady said she'd see a lawyer, oh well I wonder what a conservative would do..

[Alice B]

My wife is very suportatiuve, But SRS would be a deal ender. I'm not interested in going that far in any event, so things are fine as they are.

[BRANDYJ]

My SO Knew I was a CD before we ever met since she saw my profile on another site similar to this site but for those into Dominant/submissive lifestyles. Her only concerns were simple to answer. She asked me if I wanted to live 24/7 as a woman and would I ever want to transition. My answer 7 years ago was NO and it remains the same today. I am sure it would end our relationship if I had either desire, which I don't. I'm very happy the way things are.
You have a special lady Nigella, but I don't have to tell you that...you know.

[Maria 60]

This is a great question. To fairness to my wife, the day i told her about everything i told her i love being a man, a father and have no intention of being a women. I don't know if i wanted to go public how she would react but i went to a crossdressing store in Toronto, once to buy shoes and another time i bought my first wig and both time's she wanted to come with me and she did. Both times i told her she didn't have to come but she said she wanted to share the experience with me and that was a lot more then i could have ever expect from her.

[Laura912]

The second question at the outing to my wife was about becoming a woman so SRS is not on our table. We like where things are now.

[Kristyn Hill]

Proud for you but as for me, no plans or desire to go full on woman. I would think that would be a difficult discussing for any SO. Love is love though and you have found a partner with a profound amount of love for you.

[girltoy]

My current SO and I actually talked about this last night... I have no intention of going full SRS or even full-time dressing, but would like to try and experiment with a week or so of it (which, given current circumstances, isn't really an option). She was receptive to it.

As to the other aspect of the question, my ex-wife found this aspect of my life to be a threat to her, regardless of how far I was willing to go with it. She felt that it was a more powerful force to me than making her happy, despite my adherence to her terms about when I could dress and/or what I could buy, how often, etc.

[BLUE ORCHID]

My wife tolerates dressing it's a DA-DT thinggie
but SRS would be the end of a 48yeay marrage

[Kate T]

I do not know. I think that you would almost have to start a new relationship, whether that involved the level of intimacy (spiritual, intellectual and physical) that one currently shares with ones SO would depend on how that relationship pans out. It's not really a new relationship but I guess more of a renewal.

[April_Ligeia]

My ex-wife told me, ' I'm not a lesbian,' and that was just in reference to crossdressing. Now, in fairness, she was and still is crazy, so simple crossdressing was a dealbreaker. Now, I crossdress at home full time and it is encouraged, but I think the loss of my male equipment might break the deal. Fortunately, I don't feel compelled to alter my plumbing. I just like to dress and act in traditionally female ways.

[Pinky188]

I can't answer these questions because SRS is not in my future. However my girlfriend is trying to deal with my crossdressing. She is accepting of it because she loves me. Im lucky for that!

[5150 Girl]

Well... I don't know... I think if I went ahead with SRS, my SO would not be happy, and I'm betting it's a coin toss as to how she would take it. However, I also feel if a random act from God gave me my fondest wish, and, if I could make her happy with a certain acesory (if you take my meaning) I think everything would be cool.

[RADER]

My wife is very suportatiuve, But SRS would be a deal ender. I'm not interested in going that far in any event, so things are fine as they are.

Ditto here also; My wife is OK with me in the closet, and I am thrilled to stay there.
Rader

[Jason+]

My wife is supportive of me being me whether she is a fan or not. If I wanted to dress full time that would be a deal breaker for her. If SRS was my path she would love and miss me but couldn't go down that path with me. When I go out of the house in a skirt or dress that's relatively okay with her but she's not likely ever going to do so with me.

I can't answer having lost an SO to this although if many years ago when I came out of the room in her pink nighty she had truly understood that it wasn't a big joke that would go away we wouldn't have made it past that, we would have parted company.

[Eryn]

My wife has been very supportive of me. She's helped me explore this side of myself that I kept suppressed for most of my life. My feeling is that most people who transition are those who *know* that they have to do it no matter what and I don't feel that I fit into that category.

CDing can be thought of as a hobby, because my wife gets her husband back after Eryn has her fun. It can even be though of as beneficial for her as her husband is a calmer, happier, more empathetic person. While this has meant adjustments for us, we still live pretty much the same lives we did before.

Transitioning would be a much more serious matter because it would completely deprive my wife of her husband. I don't know if any woman could reasonably be expected to stick with her husband through such a radical change. Many do and I applaud them, but I can also understand why some women can't handle the change. I'm very glad that this isn't a decision we're likely to face.

[Jay Cee]

My wife has been a great support to me while I was searching for my real self. She's gone on shopping trips with me, offered fashion advice, and bought me clothing and jewelry.

If I ever transitioned (not likely now, but I was contemplating it for a while), I think we would have an amicable separation. She made it clear that she is not a lesbian, and I can respect that. We would remain friends, I'm sure.

[noeleena]

Hi,

As you know im intersexed so some details are different yet some details are similar in some ways to trans people,

This is about Jos, real name Joselyn.


!6 years ago i told Jos i was a female / woman, though i was percived as male by most people not all as i found out later,

My problem was i knew what i was at age 10 , just there were no words i could use to explain my self & there were a number of issues that did not help as i was growing up. yet i knew to keep my mouth shut because in our day at that time 54 years ago you would be carted off to the nut house, if you were different. so nothing was said to any one .

16 years ago i told Jos as i knew things were changeing in my self in such a way i knew i would be liveing as a female / woman , it was not a ill be a woman now because i wont to , sorry nothing like that at all my body had things going on & emotionally & Psychologically the changes were takeing place ,

& no meds no drugs nothing at all .

I said to Jos you realise im a woman . not a compleate one yet still a female / woman. at the time we had been together for 24 years up untill then,
35 years together, as married.

When i told Jos we both knew we would part that too was 16 years ago , we just did not go ahead with that then, so stayed together,

Jos after 8 years of us both going through ....HELL....& make no mistake it was, . Jos accepted who i am as a intersexed woman different yes , yet we do things together are still close & with 37 years of history to gether ,

Why did we part. one Jos did not & does not need a woman she needed a male some thing or some one that i never was, i never tryed to be a male like i never tryed to be a female / woman ether,

I had what was necessary as far as it goes being female to live as one how im wired & other details .

Did i keep what i was from Jos , no because i did not know what to say & i could not explain my self in a way that Jos & others would understand not back then fact is i knew what i was,
to put that in words was not in my thinking you have to go back to our day , things are so different now open & all out there, not for us , not then,

What have i lost iv lost my mate my wife as far as it goes , yet we are still very close to each other , are so much stronger for haveing gone through this HELL. is it over i belive we have come through intack & better for that,

It was not nice going through it yet towards the end i saw we would be very different to each other ,& many changes,
Yes i paid a price & so did Jos. this was not about myself this was about ....US.....

As a lighter note, while we were going through this .& we had our marrage anuuld .

I said to Jos well when we do part heres a proviso ,

When you meet a guy , he must have a big house , a over sea's going ship.& pleanty of money , & ill come along as the maid.

We did have to have a sense of a lighter note in what we went through because we had to see a funny side as well, & at least still be able to laugh, == some times,.==

...noelenna...

[Renee W]

My wife doesn't care how much I dress, just as long as she knows she still has her husband when needed. Anything beyond dressing, like SRS, hormones or body modifications, would defnitely cross the line.

My SO married a man, I married a woman. We both respect that contract.

[Julia_in_Pa]

I'm intersexed and before we were married my ex wife promised to stay with me during and after transition.
As time progressed my need to transition became a priority.
When the rubber met the road she reneged on her promises to me.
That was over five years ago.
It seems like it was yesterday.


Julia

[kimdl93]

At the moment, I don't think my wife would accept my going to HRT, let alone SRS. Mind you, we have a great relationship, and she's might surprise me if I wanted to go in that direction. But, based on what we've discussed, I think that might be too much for her.

[Krististeph]

Hi Nigella- (btw- nice question. to para-quote Einstein~ 'The formulation of a [question]{sic] is often more essential than its solution, which may be merely a matter of [ applying established knowledge][sic].' )

Ma femme, she says she would not, and though there is a small chance she would stay with me- this is not what keeps me from following through with srs- I want my wife to be as happy as i can reasonably make her.

Since i did not tell her before we married that i might consider srs- at this point, unless she decides she would be happy with me as a woman, it's out of the question. My wife is my best friend first- and if I can't be exactly as i want to be- well, i'll settle for a fraction of it- CD is a pretty good stopgap, as it were, and she is more than okay with me crossdressing.

But i am always here for her as a husband or partner- male or female- she gets the best out of me regardless, and she always will until the day she does not want me any longer. we both doubt that day will come, regardless of how cranky either of us get in the short term. Marriage takes effort, and we both have put a lot of effort- we are so much luckier than every other couple we know- even the happy ones.

She gets to play with her friends, or even 'keep pets'- as long as i get to know about anything questionable beforehand- I get the 'right of first refusal' as it were. She knows this, and has never done so, and i don't think she would do anything sexual. You can cheat on someone just by the attention you give them, regardless of sexual aspects, IMO.

But i'd rather she have a little fling if she wanted to, than to lose her if i could not provide her what she needed- even if it just some novelty.

SRS would be a fling on my part- permanent- even though it is not focused on another person, per se. And that's just the way we are- both she and i don't expect others to hold to our morals, attitudes, or practices, rather that we feel both (or more...) parties are in full disclosure before making any kind of commitment- and they hold to it.

Again, I had not considered SRS seriously until some years after we were married, so for me, even though i looked into it- and might have done it- it's off the plate.

IF my wife were to say she would be okay with it, and IF it would not damage our relationship (assuming she wants to stay with me) i would seriously look into it, but it would have to be a practical decision as well as an emotional or psychological one as well- since SRS would not give me a true female life experience (as my past would have been that of a male). I'm doing pretty good just living vicariously, and coupled with an active imagination, as well as being able to do my job as if i were female (or at least not requisite as male) it's a heck of a lot better situation than so many others.

kristi

Me on the other hand, i don't get to do that. Unfair? Not at all. I get to CD whenever i want, and that is way better than some skanky affair... :-)

[Tina B.]

I read this post yesterday, but didn't answer, I just wasn't sure, but today, I think I have as good an answer as I could come up with, and still be honest about it.
35 years ago, if I started down that road, it would have been a deal breaker for sure. But now late in life, and with health issues that have put certain intimacies, out of our reach, Those feels may have changed. I've spent all these years in the closet, by mutual choice. And it could be the going public would be too much for her, but if she could get over that, I think she enjoys her time with Tina as much or more than she does with the male side of me.
Since I retired, and she hasn't, I've taken up the traditional role of wife, so I dress the part a lot more than I used to. We watch TV most men would never watch, we talk fashion, and womens issues, And we both love to go shopping, and finding great buys, for either of us some days it works for me sometimes it works for her, and we enjoy it either way.
It's telling the world, and what they might say, especially when all your friends are in there latter years, and could never understand most of this. That is the only thing I think she would have a real p roblem with, and even then I really don't think she would leave. After all who wants to start over after 40 years.
Tina B

[ReineD]

I've often wondered if the determination for a wife's acceptance levels is the degree of love she feels for her husband. I know you didn't ask, but many threads in this forum have alluded to this over the years and it is a question that I've asked myself often. I've wondered how I'd feel should my SO develop a wish to transition.

My conclusion is that my love for my SO would never diminish, no matter what. But, I would no longer be sexually or romantically attracted to her. Instead of being lovers, we'd be best friends. And this is not what I am looking for in a romantic relationship.

Can the strength of love a person feels for another change their sexual orientation? I don't think so.

That said, I believe there are people who are more sexually flexible than others and this in part explains the various degrees of acceptance among GGs. We all know that gender is a spectrum, and so I believe is sexual and romantic attraction. Some women are staunchly hetero, the thought of kissing their husbands while dressed is a major turn off no matter how much they love them. Other women can more easily get into it than others, as long as there is some flexibility, even though they are not lesbian.

Also, Tina B suggests a factor in the degree of acceptance is a wife's age, and I agree. I'm guessing there are more women who would stay with a transitioning spouse (or a spouse who chooses to dress full or near full time) after a certain age (or even after one or several failed relationships with other partners): after the childbearing years, after they've been together for years and the sexual attraction or the libido has diminished, after their relationship has reached that degree of comfortable companionship one often sees in middle aged or older couples.

I'm not surprised there are few women who can continue to stay married with a transitioning or a full-time spouse. I compare this with the number of spouses who would seek to transition or live full-time, and the numbers there are also few compared to the total population.

It is, however, a blessing when both partners' degree of flexibility matches, as is evidenced by many of the responses in this thread. :)

[Nigella]

There has been some very interesting responses to this thread. What it does highlight though is that whilst a lot of circumstances are similar, each relationship is unique.

Another question for you is, I have noticed that a number of you believe that SRS/HRT would be a deal breaker, but have you actually discussed it with your SO or is it just your considered opinion?

[Janelle_C]

My wife has known about my cding most of are 30 years of marriage. But the last couple of years I've been exploring my fem side and dress a lot more. She is very supportive but does not participate she is working on that. She supported my going to therapy. I fond this site got lots of support then I started therapy and my head was cloud nine. I started to talk to her about all the things I wanted to do and the ones I was thinking about it was a little to much to fast. So we made a deal I only talk to her about the things I know I want and not the things I'm thinking about. She asked me yesterday do you think you would want to take hormones and I told her that I have thought about it but I would only do it if I was going to go full time. I told her that she could ask me any thing she wanted to know but she had to know that I would tell her the truth. So I don't know if SRS is in my future I think if I did it's about 50% that she stay

[giuseppina]

This GM isn't interested in going beyond prosthetics and ear piercing, and I would be astonished if I qualified for anything else.

[Joanne f]

This question has been talked about in the past with my wife so i had a fair idea what her answer would be but not to get it wrong i done like you said and just asked her , her reply was " i would not be partially happy about it but i would not leave you " and she also said that having an operation like that would be a very big concern for her which i can well understand due to other circumstance `s .

[Di]

It would NEVER be a deal breaker. We are on this journey together.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife accepts the crossdresser that I am, but if I was to suggest that I wanted SRS, then she would both support me and leave me. My wife is not a lesbian, she married a man and would never just suck it up and deal with that. I think anyone who is transexual can't hope to maintain the marriage they have. Crossdressing is a far cry from changing ones gender. There are some who may be able to stay with their partner after SRS but I would think that such a relationship moves to companionship rather than romantic.

[Marleena]

My wife accepts the crossdresser that I am, but if I was to suggest that I wanted SRS, then she would both support me and leave me. My wife is not a lesbian, she married a man and would never just suck it up and deal with that. I think anyone who is transexual can't hope to maintain the marriage they have. Crossdressing is a far cry from changing ones gender. There are some who may be able to stay with their partner after SRS but I would think that such a relationship moves to companionship rather than romantic.

It looks like a few of the SO's are still okay with it Jennifer, and that must be unconditional love. Some of us only get that from our dogs.:)

I'm also not so sure it is lesbianism . They married a man who needs to transition. A penis is not required to satisfy the GG's sexual needs (there are other ways).

Not arguing here btw.

[AnitaH]

When I first came out to my wife she said that full-time or SRS would be a deal breaker, she didn't marry a woman. Now that she's had some time to deal with it she has been more supportive than I could have hoped for. She has been watching and listening to the subtle clues that even I may not be aware of. Now her opinion is that I may want to do just that and I'm not sure she's wrong. At the same time her attitude towards this has changed and progressed greatly. Now she is saying that there is a possibility that she would stay in the relationship. She says she could see the possibility of being together. She also says that she would give me freedom if that is what I needed to make this journey complete. I am aware that even if she believes she may be OK with this, if I am to transition the reality may be different for her than what she expects.

I don't want to loose her but I know that transitioning may cost me, as it has cost others. Suppressing this aspect of myself cost me greatly over the years and nearly ruined me, I can't go there again.

AnitaH

[PretzelGirl]

First off, I am not considering transition and I don't see it in my future. I never say never because I think it can lead to denial and that can be one of the strongest negative things to get past when the reality hits your subconscious. But my years are getting on if something in my head wants to change directions. :D

It is interesting as I have asked my wife both the HRT and transition questions. Her response is that she didn't care and came right out with "go for it" on HRT. I look at Julia's situation and I realize that things can turn on a dime when reality hits. But my wife is very carefree, so I certainly could see it being true. Of course our relationship would probably be something along the line of "committed best friends", but in a way, that is what we are now.

[Brigid]

I don't think our marriage would stay intact but she has surprised me in the past. She has asked me sometimes if I felt like I needed to transition. I told her no but I guess I should have asked how she would deal with it I did. This time in my life I don't see transitioning as an option. I am satisfied in just dressing.

[Sandra]

Most of you know I'm Nigella's SO, I am not a lesbian if I was then I would not have married Nigella. I don't look at our relationship as a lesbian one never had and never will, we are just two people who love and care for each other. Now I bet some are thinking she doesn't see Nigella as a woman, well you're wrong. :D

[DonnaT]

My wife barely tolerates it now, so even suggesting SRS/GRS would be in the future would be a deal breaker for sure.

[Marleena]

Most of you know I'm Nigella's SO, I am not a lesbian if I was then I would not have married Nigella. I don't look at our relationship as a lesbian one never had and never will, we are just two people who love and care for each other. Now I bet some are thinking she doesn't see Nigella as a woman, well you're wrong. :D

Sandra I've seen the same thing said of CDer's that have accepting wives. It is so wrong, my wife is not a lesbian or bisexual either. She just has a partner that is TG and can accept him for who he is. It doesn't get any better than that.:)

[ReineD]

Most of you know I'm Nigella's SO, I am not a lesbian if I was then I would not have married Nigella. I don't look at our relationship as a lesbian one never had and never will, we are just two people who love and care for each other. Now I bet some are thinking she doesn't see Nigella as a woman, well you're wrong. :D

I get what you're saying, Sandra. You love Nigella for Nigella, the person she is inside. This does not mean that if you had never met Nigella, you would be in a relationship with a GG.

I feel the same way about my SO. :)

[JohnH]

My wife suggested that I go on M2F HRT in the first place, and she said that she would stay with me even if I got SRS. At any rate, I don't have any desire to have SRS.

Johanna

[linda allen]

No thought here of ever becoming a woman through SRS or even hormones. No thought of living as a woman full time or letting friends and neighbors know. I enjoy my male life.

As far as I ever want to go would be driving to another town with my wife (where nobody would recognize either of us) from time to time and spending a day or two as sisters or girlfriends.