Sooooo... maybe I am not transexual after all.

[Jay Cee]

Hi to everyone again.

I haven't been around for a few months, what with my trying to figure out who I am, and trying to come to terms with it. Not to mention school, exams, work, etc.

Basically, I've figured out that I am not transexual. TG to a great extent, certainly. Definitely a crossdresser.

I'm not sure how I got to this conclusion. I guess I just put it on the backburner, and let it simmer. I also talked to a therapist who specializes in TG/TS issues once or twice a month.

I think it boils down to my previous (and very erroneous) thinking that:

a) only women want to wear women's clothing, or act like women. This most likely stems from my upbringing - women are women, and act and dress like women. That was just the way it is. Men act like men, and dress the part. The lines don't cross. It's black and white.

b) that being a woman would somehow make me happy, because women are taken care of, and have no problems. I came to realize that women have just as many problems as men. Maybe more. Being a woman is no guarantee of being happy.

I guess other things didn't add up for me, either. I didn't have the lifelong desire to be a female. It didn't occupy my thoughts very often at all, come to think of it.

These statements are oversimplified - I don't have adequate words right now to go in depth as to what I was thinking and feeling.

I have come to be happy with who I am, and to accept myself for who I am. I know I have a very strong femme side. I now feel free to express it, and not be ashamed of it.

What I have expressed here is just me. It doesn't necessarily apply to anyone else in the forum. But I would caution those who aren't sure about being a TS - please do a lot of soul searching, and make certain that transitioning is right for you. Had I continued on the path I was on last year, it could have been a mistake. Again, that's just my perspective, and my experience.

What this journey has been is eye opening. I now have a great deal of respect for the TS / TG / CD community. It's a community that I now proudly belong to.

Wishing all of you the best, and thanking you all for your wisdom and support. I'm sure I will stop in from time to time.

Jay Cee

[whowhatwhen]

Thank you for posting your experience, if you don't mind me asking - how do you feel about being male?
I keep questioning it myself and get no further since I can find evidence on both sides and then I get stuck in a back and forth loop of circular self questioning.

Did that happen to you?
Are you going to happy being male?

[Sally24]

A well thought out post Jay Cee! I find it pretty common for members of the TG community to be puzzled as to exactly where they belong. Unfortunetly I find that there is no perfect place for most of us. The best we can usually hope for is finding the best place/situation for each of us.

[Jay Cee]

Thank you for posting your experience, if you don't mind me asking - how do you feel about being male?
I keep questioning it myself and get no further since I can find evidence on both sides and then I get stuck in a back and forth loop of circular self questioning.

Did that happen to you?
Are you going to happy being male?

I am happy being me. I try not to think of myself as a gender - I find it too constricting. I have a strong female side in my personality, for sure, but there is a reasonable amount of male there as well. As for what's between my legs... I don't pay it a lot of attention. It's a body part that will likely be there for the rest of my life. I'm not overly concerned.

I hope that answered your questions, www. Good luck in your journey.

Jay Cee
.

[Ari333]

A well thought out post Jay Cee! I find it pretty common for members of the TG community to be puzzled as to exactly where they belong. Unfortunetly I find that there is no perfect place for most of us. The best we can usually hope for is finding the best place/situation for each of us.

very insightful sally! I think I knew I wasn't ts because I never considered losing my boy parts! and if one believes they are, there are certainly many changes in ALL aspects of life to consider. I'm glad you came to some conclusions jay cee and hopefully feel somewhat relieved. and my answer to whowhatwhen, I know in my case, I'll never be truly happy as a male. but one must be grateful sometimes for what they have, and I've learned that being male isn't as bad with Ari in my life.

[Inna]

Hi Jay Cee, I am so glad you had found, however illusive in nature, the essence of YOU. Also glad to see you affirmed in your stance with clear result of souls searching. I think the lesson you can teach is how important therapy really is. And no one should make a decision of transition without extensive therapy history.

Love, Inna

[sandra-leigh]

I think I would have been in a bad state indeed if I had happened to end up going to Zuker's institute in Toronto -- the one that believes MTF transsexuals are "homosexual" (i.e., sexually oriented in males) and want to transition early, and that anyone who is older or is sexually interested in females is not transsexual at all and is instead suffering from a psychological disorder in which they are fixated on the idea of making love to themselves ("autogynecophilia").

I gather that you have been talking to the same therapist I have. {Footnote: JayCee and I live in the same city}. She has been a marvel at insisting that I not act according to stereotypes and labels, and instead explore to find out how I want to live, no matter what "mix" that ends up being. I have never identified as transsexual to her, and she has been entirely supportive of that, supportive of me living my life however works for me whether there is a "name" for that gender combination or not.

The number of times that I have pled to her, "But I can't be female, because <some reason>", and she has pointed out that there is so much overlap that one should just be oneself rather than bothering about whether you are "male enough" or "female enough".

Well, you know where to find me, JayCee; I'm at the corner of "Who me?" and "The Road Less Traveled" :D

One thing I would add though: I think that in some ways, I have needed this site more since I realized I was TG. Being here was fun and exciting before, if sometimes bewildering, but now being here is about how to live. "TG" covers a lot of ground, and there is a lot of soul-searching yet to go.

[Kristy_K]

Hi Jay Cee, I am so glad you had found, however illusive in nature, the essence of YOU. Also glad to see you affirmed in your stance with clear result of souls searching. I think the lesson you can teach is how important therapy really is. And no one should make a decision of transition without extensive therapy history.

Love, Inna

I would have to disagree on this one Inna because I only seek therapy after I decided to transition and only so I could get the letters I need for a SRS. But everyone is different i the way they do things.

Kristy

[Amber99]

I would have to disagree on this one Inna because I only seek therapy after I decided to transition and only so I could get the letters I need for a SRS. But everyone is different i the way they do things.

Kristy
Same here. I knew who I was, once I found out how effective surgery and hormones were I decided to do it. For me the therapist, while helpful, was no turning point.

[Bree-asaurus]

Along with what Kristy and Amber are saying, I don't think a therapist is required, but I know that in my situation it definitely helped. If I didn't find my therapist, I would have been long gone before I could figure out what to do with my life.

[Sharon]

I'm happy you have discovered the truth about yourself when you did, Jay Cee, and not after making certain decisions that could have had longterm or permanent ramifications for you. If you have the slightest doubts about your gender identity, then therapy is definitely a wise investment.

Good luck to you! :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It seems like you are doing good things for yourself and seriously being honest with yourself...the reward is feeling good about yourself for who you are

[Jay Cee]

A well thought out post Jay Cee! I find it pretty common for members of the TG community to be puzzled as to exactly where they belong. Unfortunetly I find that there is no perfect place for most of us. The best we can usually hope for is finding the best place/situation for each of us.

Or sometimes we have to make a place for ourselves, because we deserve that. I think at least some of us have the subconscious feeling that we are lesser citizens somehow, probably due to society's perception of us. We frequently hide our inner selves from the public, and from our friends and family. Truth be told, the TG / TS / CD community is awesome. We may be different, but it is not the kind of different that harms anyone.

Sorry for the rant. I do go on sometimes. :)

Thank you all for your responses.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Jay Cee,

This is a decision based on a great deal of introspection, soul searching and therapy.
I'm very impressed that you broke apart the building blocks and examined each one and came to your conclusion.
No matter where your path leads you Jay Cee you can be rest assured that you are able to decipher your feelings on the matter.
No matter what you are I'm pleased to call you sister.


Julia

[Aprilrain]

I know you have been wrestling with this for sometime so I am glad to read you have come to a conclusion that feels right for you.

[morgan51]

I'm happy for you Jay Cee I'm learning to just follow my heart, and with the help of a therapist my decisions have become much clearer. I found them invaluable. Congrats! Each one has thier own path and need to be true to it This world would be really boring if we all thought the same and all acted the same. Society seems to have a lot more trouble keeping us in the binary box than we do living our authentic lives. Best wishes for you. Morgan

[Kelsy]

Jay Cee,

I have always believed that we have to be completely honest with ourselves going in. You have set a standard. It seems you have found a balance point and a self realization that can only lead to positive outcomes and happiness.

I went into therapy somewhat confused needing answers mainly because I was driven to change my body and I was self medicating. There was no sexual component to it. I had this deep need to make my body right! By getting to a place where I could be honest with myself and others I found the understanding and affirmation of what I always knew. I am a woman and I want to be comfortable with myself. The only struggle left for me is getting there! The questions have been answered.

I'm Happy you have found your answers!

Kelsy

[Jenny Doolittle]

Jay Cee,

I understand completely how you feel. For years I had struggled with some type of definition for who or what I am. (especially when I was in my 30-40's) Now I just feel as if I am, Me! I feel I am more then a boy or man who dresses in women's clothes, because I really enjoy the feelings deep inside myself. But, I also enjoy that male side of my personality that has participates in some more traditional male role activities.

I have come to coin a term myself (perhaps it already existed) but I think the term Bi-gendered fits me well. I feel comfortable with myself as both male and female and have embraced my female persona in the past 10 years. I now see all of those years I spent trying to lie to myself about who I was a making empty promises never to dress as Jenny again were just a waste. It is stupid to try and be what society terms as "normal" because "Normal" is non-existant. we are all different, Thank God!

Actually I feel very fortunate that in some ways I am something more then most men because of my ability to understand what it is to be a woman. I realize I may upset some GG women by that statement, and I don't mean at all to say I understand what they do, I will never be able to do that completely, but I hope many of you understand how very special I, and we, feel by being what ever it is that draws as all to this site.

I hope this was not too long and too abstract to understand, I tried really really hard to be distinct in my explanations.

[kimdl93]

Jay Cee, congratulations on putting the time and effort into therapy. The conclusion is important, of course, but so it the process of clarifying one's thoughts. I found it interesting that you used the term "erroneous thinking". So many times, we (people generally) face problems because we make judgements based on deeply entrenched but erroneous beliefs....such as black and white thinking. I would be willing to bet that therapy will help you become an even more effective person in relationships, at work and life generally. Good for you.

[Lyric]

suffering from a psychological disorder in which they are fixated on the idea of making love to themselves ("autogynecophilia").

The fact that the psychology community has long had a tendency to stamp as "disorders" things that produce happiness, like "making love" has always been a clear signal of erroneous prejudiced in my opinion. I believe the only illness related to such things is society's tendency to look down upon individuality and diversity (as those psychologists have done).

Jay, you've obviously gone through some difficult times arriving at this realization, but life is a constant process of learning about ourselves (as mine own certainly demonstrates). While not as well publicized as the concept of "transsexual", there are actually several other gender variance ways to be and all are just as valid. Unfortunately our public understanding of this stuff is still quite weak, so we find ourselves stuck with such vague terms as "crossdresser", but what you are is real and completely OK. Each of us is has distinctive needs and the more we understand them and custom tailor our lifestyles the better.

Lyric

[Traci Elizabeth]

The most important thing in life for each of us, is to be whoever we are, not what others want us to be. One needs to love oneself and be in control of their own destiny whatever that might be. As you and others have stated, it is far better you come to the conclusion of who you are NOW, than after being on HRT and having grown female breasts and all the other feminizing that HRT does as we as before undergoing BA, FFS or SRS.

[Nicole Erin]

I am not a so-called transsexual either. I don't know what that even means.
I do live my life as a woman, present as such and all that. If I could afford boobies or SRS I would do it.

Living life as you see fit is the only way to go. Sure you could do those TS things like pay money to doctors to tell you what you already know, pay for hormones that don't do squat except kill your sex drive, and obsess over some standards of care, but to what avail?
Sooner or later you just have to live life anyways.

[Jay Cee]

The most important thing in life for each of us, is to be whoever we are, not what others want us to be. One needs to love oneself and be in control of their own destiny whatever that might be. As you and others have stated, it is far better you come to the conclusion of who you are NOW, than after being on HRT and having grown female breasts and all the other feminizing that HRT does as we as before undergoing BA, FFS or SRS.

Actually, I wouldn't mind having breasts, softer skin, and maybe more hair on my head (and less elsewhere). However, I recognize that there may be some drawbacks to all of that as well.

I thank you all again for your support of my decision.

:hugs:

Jay Cee

[Frances]

Jay Cee,
If you can remain a man for the rest of your life and not be miserable, more power to you. Your words seem very familiar to me however. You sound like someone in the bargaining phase of grief, which is a process that late transitioners pretty much all go through. The life lead so far can seem like a waste, and cutting losses too painful. Again, if this is not your situation, good luck with everything. If it is, don't hesitate to call on us again.

[Jay Cee]

Jay Cee,
If you can remain a man for the rest of your life and not be miserable, more power to you. Your words seem very familiar to me however. You sound like someone in the bargaining phase of grief, which is a process that late transitioners pretty much all go through. The life lead so far can seem like a waste, and cutting losses too painful. Again, if this is not your situation, good luck with everything. If it is, don't hesitate to call on us again.

Thank you for your concern, Frances. I gave my situation a lot of thought. A lot of thought. Part of me still does want to be female. But it isn't a significant part of me. I'll certainly give it more thought, and seek out further counselling, because I want to be sure. However, I just don't feel enough desire for me to be female for me to run the gauntlet that transexuals go through. You ladies (and men, for the F to M) are tough and courageous, even if you transition because you have to.

[KellyJameson]

Honest and thoughtful post. I agree with you about trying to escape the problems of being a male by becoming female is a mistake. Plus I have always believed the lives of women are much more difficult because they are more vulnerable to adopting the superficial values of the culture they live in and suffering the psychological affects because of this along with many of the limitations and frustrations that come from being generally smaller in stature with less body strength, and of course they have to deal with men which is a bitter sweet experience.

My problem is I know I could have expressed my life force in ways that would have been more beneficial for all involved if it was held in the body of a woman, the paradox is that if I had been born a woman I would not be the same person so what I wish to express probably would not exist, the gods are madd.

I'm perfectly happy in my body when I'm alone, all my problems are relational. I wanted to be a biological woman because of others. To be a mother, wife ,ect...Oh Well, Hopefully the next life.

Very glad that you have found ways to coexist within yourself, SRS can help but it is still a compromise. One that can save lifes because it can reduce the psychological pain but for me it would not eliminate it so I endure and try to create order out of chaos.