Managing Dysphoria, Prep for Full-Time, and a Concise Rant

[ameliabee]

Hey all,

Been a long time since posting. I've mostly moved to reddit.com/r/asktransgender and associated subreddits, as well as tumblr, but I've still been lurking about here.

At any rate, my dysphoria is reaching the point where I can't present as male anymore without feeling slightly sick to my stomach. I want to break down every time I do it. I'm more or less locked in to my current situation (presenting male for classes, presenting female everywhere else) until the semester ends. Not to mention the strain of maintaining a double life. Any suggestions for managing such while also taking a heavy course load?

I've more or less reached the point where I pass flawlessly when presenting female and I get funny looks when trying to present male. I'm still wig dependent though - hair from the top of my head is ~7" long, and several months of HRT haven't done enough that I can pull off a short hairstyle. (Rule of thumb is to give HRT two years to work before getting FFS?) I'm actually on a legit prescription now! Done four sessions of laser, had excellent results so far. Pretty much have the wardrobe taken care of finally. I know I should probably get the eyebrows waxed/threaded and hair done, but I'm procrastinating until right before full-time for that. Stuck with the legal male name until May 2013 because it's not worth it to out myself to a group of people who are giving me a very nice scholarship.

Ideas as to what else I need to do before going full time?

Also, zomg, men are pigs! Six different men guilty of unwanted advances this weekend. Ugh! I've contemplated outing myself just to get them to stop...

Thanks,
Amelia

[Eryn]

Most of the colleges I'm familiar with are reasonably tolerant of people presenting ambiguously. Is there an issue with your particular school or course of study that prevents you from doing this? It might sit better with you than presenting male.

[Aprilrain]

HI, there is no medical reason to wait for FFS. FFS is bone/cartilage work, hormones do not change that. I'm so happy to hear that you have started hair removal you will thank yourself for this decision when you do go full time. you can easily "clean up" your brows without making them too fem. If you are unsure about how to do that yourself go to a salon and explain your situation.

I can't give you any advise regarding school. When my "bell rung" I had one class left to graduate and the dysphoria and depression were so bad I failed it! I had to wait an entire year to take the class again but when I did go back it was as April, I got a B.

So, men find you attractive, take it as a compliment. You will soon learn how to deal with unwanted attention, remember GGs have had a lifetime to learn you are taking a crash course. I'm guessing you are not in to men?, which I'm sure would make any advance from a man unwanted. If you're a lesbian tell them!

[Julia_in_Pa]

Amelia,

I mean this in the supportive way I'm giving this to you so listen;

Stop delaying, stop making excuses and just transition already.
No more " what if this happens" or " what about this " .
It's as simple as going to class as you.
If you pass like you say you do then the embarrassing thing that your doing to yourself is attempting to present as male in class.
You say you get " funny " looks when you attempt to pass as male so just stop it already.
Time to walk the walk and stop waiting around for God knows what.
Be strong, stay strong and just do what you have to do.


Julia

[Stephenie S]

Amelia,

I mean this in the supportive way I'm giving this to you so listen;

Stop delaying, stop making excuses and just transition already.
No more " what if this happens" or " what about this " .
It's as simple as going to class as you.
If you pass like you say you do then the embarrassing thing that your doing to yourself is attempting to present as male in class.
You say you get " funny " looks when you attempt to pass as male so just stop it already.
Time to walk the walk and stop waiting around for God knows what.
Be strong, stay strong and just do what you have to do.


Julia

What Julia said. This is the best advice anyone can give you. Do it NOW. You will never be in a better environment to transition.

Stephie

[Kristy_K]

Amelia,

I mean this in the supportive way I'm giving this to you so listen;

Stop delaying, stop making excuses and just transition already.
No more " what if this happens" or " what about this " .
It's as simple as going to class as you.
If you pass like you say you do then the embarrassing thing that your doing to yourself is attempting to present as male in class.
You say you get " funny " looks when you attempt to pass as male so just stop it already.
Time to walk the walk and stop waiting around for God knows what.
Be strong, stay strong and just do what you have to do.


Julia

I would also agree with Julia. It was a lot easier than what I thought it would be to go full time. Plus I found it to be better mentally for me in the long run. Life is fun when you can be the real you.

Kristy

[ameliabee]

Update: So, apparently I pass perfectly fine without the wig, which really makes me wonder if I can pass for male anymore.


Most of the colleges I'm familiar with are reasonably tolerant of people presenting ambiguously. Is there an issue with your particular school or course of study that prevents you from doing this? It might sit better with you than presenting male.

If I were strictly an undergraduate, it wouldn't be a problem. The situation is a bit more delicate because graduate departments are in a grey area between school and workplace. The fact that I will likely see a lot of these people again means that I have to be careful about transitioning around them.


HI, there is no medical reason to wait for FFS. FFS is bone/cartilage work, hormones do not change that. I'm so happy to hear that you have started hair removal you will thank yourself for this decision when you do go full time. you can easily "clean up" your brows without making them too fem. If you are unsure about how to do that yourself go to a salon and explain your situation.

I can't give you any advise regarding school. When my "bell rung" I had one class left to graduate and the dysphoria and depression were so bad I failed it! I had to wait an entire year to take the class again but when I did go back it was as April, I got a B.

So, men find you attractive, take it as a compliment. You will soon learn how to deal with unwanted attention, remember GGs have had a lifetime to learn you are taking a crash course. I'm guessing you are not in to men?, which I'm sure would make any advance from a man unwanted. If you're a lesbian tell them!

I don't know if I need FFS. I've thought about it, a nose job might not be a bad idea, but SRS is a higher priority at the moment.

I did my homework - pretty sure the general wisdom is that if one thinks one might be a transsexual, one should get started on the permanent facial hair removal ASAP.

I will schedule an appointment with a salon. ^^

Yeah... I have to kinda drop without actually dropping a class this term. It won't push my graduation date back any, but it will limit my options for next year and I'll need to beg my department head for mercy.

Not strictly a lesbian, but given that 90% of guys suck, you can imagine that most advances are undesired.



Amelia,

I mean this in the supportive way I'm giving this to you so listen;

Stop delaying, stop making excuses and just transition already.
No more " what if this happens" or " what about this " .
It's as simple as going to class as you.
If you pass like you say you do then the embarrassing thing that your doing to yourself is attempting to present as male in class.
You say you get " funny " looks when you attempt to pass as male so just stop it already.
Time to walk the walk and stop waiting around for God knows what.
Be strong, stay strong and just do what you have to do.


Julia

If I'm not already there, I'm rapidly approaching the point at which I can't pass for male, so yay for de facto full time?

My whole perspective on this has totally changed today. I mean, does it really matter what I wear if everyone reads me as female anyways? If they do, then crap, I need to start caring about how I look more.

Just going through a really weird moment. I wasn't expecting my double life to converge into one life quite so quickly. I mean, everyone seems to say that 'hormones aren't magic pills' and how HRT won't make you pass, so I figured I had a while to go, but apparently not.

[Katesback]

Excuses excuses. Got to love them.

Look you can talk and talk and talk. As a matter of fact talk is cheap.

Actions are the only thing that counts babe. Ya either do what you want to do or you dont. I personally could care less. If you dont do what you want to do you will not be alone. Crap most TS people never transition. Such is life.

On the other hand there are a few of us that really do do it. Are you one of them or are you going to sit on the fence for 20 years.................and talk?

Katie

[ameliabee]

Excuses excuses. Got to love them.

Look you can talk and talk and talk. As a matter of fact talk is cheap.

Actions are the only thing that counts babe. Ya either do what you want to do or you dont. I personally could care less. If you dont do what you want to do you will not be alone. Crap most TS people never transition. Such is life.

On the other hand there are a few of us that really do do it. Are you one of them or are you going to sit on the fence for 20 years.................and talk?

Katie

Rawr. Feel free to post pictures of what you looked like at my age and we'll see about sitting around, talking, thinking, and doing.

You're right though, and I can probably do the name change over the summer rather than waiting so long. Keeping identity documents that don't match how I appear is a serious liability, and my doctor already agreed to do the letter thing that you mentioned here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?141762-Change-of-gender-on-drivers-license-PRE-OP-in-Florida). No sense in getting them fixed twice.

What's truly scary is that I'll totally have the same attitude about a year and a half from now.

Also, seriously considering joining my local roller derby group just to potentially have the opportunity to knock you on your rear.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Forget rules of thumb...
You are well served to plan and get stuff done in what i'll call your "pre-real" life...$$ can help transition, so your job life is a factor..

As you consider your options, your job life is very much out of your control...even without transition lots of stuff will happen and change as you work through starting a career...
It is very very hard to transition without it being your HIGHEST priority for a period of time..there is another post recently about this issue from a perspective of an older transitioner....
THERE WILL NEVER BE A GOOD TIME to transition..see what i'm saying?

FFS and SRS can be done whenever you want... name change and hair removal are huge too...every minute you spend with a male name in the job world is wasted investment in your career

btw.. depending on your hair it could be 100's and 100's of hours if electrolysis is required..if you have dark hairs, laser might cut down on that significantly..

if you can afford ffs then i'd suggest you don't ignore it...you say you pass flawlessly..your picture looks very natural and feminine...but flawlessly is an important word...NEVER EVER EVER getting read is a big deal compared to ALMOST NEVER getting read..

[ameliabee]

Forget rules of thumb...
You are well served to plan and get stuff done in what i'll call your "pre-real" life...$$ can help transition, so your job life is a factor..

As you consider your options, your job life is very much out of your control...even without transition lots of stuff will happen and change as you work through starting a career...
It is very very hard to transition without it being your HIGHEST priority for a period of time..there is another post recently about this issue from a perspective of an older transitioner....
THERE WILL NEVER BE A GOOD TIME to transition..see what i'm saying?

FFS and SRS can be done whenever you want... name change and hair removal are huge too...every minute you spend with a male name in the job world is wasted investment in your career

btw.. depending on your hair it could be 100's and 100's of hours if electrolysis is required..if you have dark hairs, laser might cut down on that significantly..

if you can afford ffs then i'd suggest you don't ignore it...you say you pass flawlessly..your picture looks very natural and feminine...but flawlessly is an important word...NEVER EVER EVER getting read is a big deal compared to ALMOST NEVER getting read..

I'm still in school! I don't get the Master's degree until summer of next year, and I'd rather not think about how long the PhD will take.

Gotcha'.

Don't exactly have much of a career. My field is such that one isn't expected to start serious research and publishing until after a few years of graduate study.

Last laser session was five weeks ago; my face isn't perfectly smooth but it's not obvious in the mirror. I had dark hairs, haven't seen any in months. Starting electrolysis is going to be fun...

I need to go about consulting with a few FFS surgeons at some point. I honestly don't know what FFS procedures I would have done - brow contouring + lift might be worthwhile, maybe rhinoplasty, maybe chin contouring, but it's not like testosterone poisoning did that much damage there. My problem is that I passed ~98% of the time from the very beginning and there's no easy way to tell the difference between passing 99.9% of the time and passing 100% of the time. I don't remember the last time I received a 'I read you' stare. I get 'I'm checking you out' stares and 'I'm judging your appearance' stares, but it's been a long time since I've gotten the 'zomg freak of nature' stare with obligatory double-take. I'll be able to afford either FFS or SRS in about a year, and after that I don't know about finances. I'm not above transferring to a PhD program at a university with health insurance that covers SRS, although I do like my department.