My dream to transition from male to female

[emmicd]

Male to Female transition

As a young child I was very shy and did not open up to my family or to the people around me. I felt that I was going through something that I could not truly understand but I felt it was something that defined me. I can not explain what drew me to this but I can tell you that it happened naturally and it was a consistent part of my life. It all started when I was 5 years old and I had this urge to dress in my younger sister's clothes. I enjoyed wearing the softer and prettier clothing and I felt it was perfectly ok for me. Deep down I recognized that I had a persistent need to do this and when I did wear girls clothes I was so much more happier. There were times I would wear them to sleep in my bed with only me knowing it. I was good at hiding it and at knowing when I could dress. I started to appreciate dress up time and when I wore a pretty dress and stood in front of the mirror I had the biggest smile on my face. I was about 9 years old when I started wearing dresses. I was fortunate enough to be small enough to fit my younger sister's dress size. I remember crying myself to sleep when I was unable to dress and I felt like something was not right. I always felt inside I was a girl but I knew I was born different because on the outside I was a boy. It was a battle I fought all throughout my life and I am not sure why I had been dealt this dilemma. I cried many times over my situation but I tried to just accept it and do whatever I could to bring out the girl who resided within me. It was very easy for me to find a way to dress because I knew it was a matter of survival for me but then again it was the biggest secret in my life and what a big secret it has been. To this day it is the biggest secret I had to keep to myself. I could not even think twice about opening up and telling someone. At times I just wanted to go out and dress as I felt I should but it was not to be. I did not feel safe or comfortable presenting myself as a girl outside of the house. Yes I certainly wanted to go out and dress as a girl every day and wear pretty things but i knew I was not supposed to do this.

I have felt all my life I have had this hugh burden weighing on me and sometimes I wonder why it had to be me. Why for most this is not an issue but for me it is something I face everyday from when I awake in the morning to when I go to sleep at night. Why do I enjoy shopping in the women's department? Why do I love dresses so much? Why am I so very feminine in my perceptions of myself? Why do I still love to look at myself in the mirror with a dress on and why do I have this overwhelming need to wear dresses and women's clothing? Why did I suppress it so much and deny this part of myself? Why after all these years am I still dealing with this a seemingly innocent act of trying on one item of my sister's clothing that has become a main focus in my life. Why do I feel I am a woman? I wish I had the answers. All I know is that I have feelings that are more common to girls. I feel I am a teenage girl looking forward to blossoming and enjoying becoming a young woman. These are strange words to hear from a middle aged male who is a husband and a father and has a life with responsibility and great pressure.

I am not looking to escape. In fact I want to keep my family intact and still maintain my responsibility and still provide the love I have in my heart for both my wife and son. I have such tremendous feelings of guilt and I just don't know what to do but I know if I don't consider addressing these feelings and staying true to the course of transitioning I most certainly will die. I can not keep denying myself this wonderful gift of femininity. I need help and support and encouragement. I went for way too long hiding this and denying it and now I feel the floodgates have opened and it is my time. It is what I have always wanted in my life. The opportunity to express the true me. If I can't do this then I will most certainly give up my hope of ever finding happiness and understanding who I am. I don't blame anyone for these feelings and in fact I have found that I am a very understanding person and if I am fortunate enough to transition and still keep my family intact and still have a job to go to with the support and encouragement of my employer and co-workers and realize what i have known all along that i am a woman then my life has real meaning and that i am truly a survivor. I don't want to wind up a statistic and lose everything. I have worked so hard and to have this life and know I am not presenting who I truly am as a person is the biggest tragedy in my life. I am trapped in a way that not many could ever understand. I understand because I live it and know it firsthand. I feel that my blossoming into a woman would be my most happiest moment which would rank up there just like my wedding day and the birth of our son.

I am so happy to have my wife and son in my life and still encourage them to stay with me even if I do eventually transition to becoming a woman. I don't know what the future will hold but i do know that I will never escape these feelings and I am now facing the most daunting challenge I could ever imagine. I do also realize that if I take the bold action to transition that I am only doing what I am supposed to. The little girl's voice inside of me has been there all along and she is only telling me what I already know which is that my life will be more enhanced with the realization that I need to stay true to who I am and that I should never feel ashamed of it. I need help to get me through this and I only hope I can find the help I need and the support system so I can be that girl I always knew I was.

emmi

[Aprilrain]

Emmi, you seem very conflicted, which is totally understandable being TS can be a very had thing to accept. Your recent threads are kinda all over the map though so I urge you to seek therapy from someone versed in gender issues. Because first you say "i have come full circle and realize though i am a girl on the inside i will always be a boy on the outside."
But now you are talking transition

[Stephenie S]

Remember, sweetie. There is huge difference between wanting to be a woman (doesn't everyone?) and knowing that you are a woman. Those who actually transition do so not because they WANT to, they do it because they have to.

And until you can say that you are ready to lose everything (Your job, your family, your money, everything), you may not be ready to transition.

[Myojine]

Those who actually transition do so not because they WANT to, they do it because they have to.

This.
To emphisize, i was willing to meet death with open arms, simply because I couldnt live with the pain any longer.
It ws transition or suicide for me.

And even though i am transitioining, suicide is always a looming idea in my head.

As stephanie said, I was ready to loose everything, including my own life to end the suffering.
Are you willing to risk everything?

[SuzanneBender]

Stephenie is right you must be willing to let go of everything to transition. In all likelihood you will not loose everything, but there will be loss and its best to expect the worst. I also echo April, therapy will help you sort these conflicted feelings out. Please be careful about what you proclaim to others about your transition until you are sure of the need to move further down the path otherwise you may find you experience loss even without transition.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Emmi,

If you didn't feel guilt, shame and depression from being who you are as it compares to your family and responsibilities I'd say you were no human being I'd like to know.
I will never sugar coat anything for anyone here Emmi.
If you transition the statistics say you will become divorced.
Will this happen? It's certainly possible that it wouldn't but the chances are not good that you would remain married.

I lost everyone and everything when I transitioned.

You transition Emmi because you have to not because you want to.
Do you feel right now that you have a choice in the matter?
Can you maintain the sometimes precarious balance of pretending to be a man for everyone else versus living a true life?
So many attempt to compromise with themselves and others only to end up destroying their marriage and losing everything anyway.
The price we pay for transitioning is disgusting and vile.

There is no glamor or anything sexy about transition.
Transition is hard, painful and lonely.

I present to you a quote from the movie Jacob's Ladder where the main character is dying and transitioning from earth to heaven.
His guardian angel is telling him about what is happening and that it's alright.

""" Eckhart saw Hell too. He said: "The only thing that burns in Hell is the part of you that won't let go of life, your memories, your attachments. They burn them all away. But they're not punishing you," he said. "They're freeing your soul. So, if you're frightened of dying and... you're holding on, you'll see devils tearing your life away. But if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth."""

Remember Emmi you hold in your heart what is necessary.


Julia

[Kirsty_D]

The only thing I have to add is that if you do go down the road of transitioning it is a sickening roller coaster ride. One minute you are in deep despair and all you can see is total loss around you, the next minute you wonder why you felt so bad as really your not going to loose anything… and on and on the roller coaster ride goes with no end in sight.

However, just getting on the roller coaster does give you some piece of mind. Just accepting that this is you, you have to do this and face the challenges as they come at you is liberating.

[STACY B]

How come ya just dont dress up alot more an you can see what your missing ? Maybe if ya do that for a while yull get some kind of relief ? Not just jump up an want to transition

[emmicd]

I am transgendered and it didn't take me long to figure it out because I knew I was different from an early age. I was 5 when I first had questions as to my true gender and I was brought up obviously to live as a male though I identified as female my whole life. It seems very sad to me that we have such rigidity in how we are supposed to be viewed. I truly feel sad for anyone who is shunned just for being who they are. It seems so unfair yet it seems part of the challenges we all will face as being different. Why is it that we have to feel such guilt. I wish once we realized transition was our only salvation that it would be a truly liberating experience and our family and friends would rally around us and support us for our courage in being who we truly are. I applaud all of you for sharing your views and I feel you all are expressing what you have felt or experienced. I can only hope that things will be grand for all of you and I hope someday that we all will be treated equally whether we are transgendered or not. Being transgendered to me is the only way I know and I am not ashamed of it. I embrace it and I only hope that I can be expressive of the girl inside and live as I known I should all along. This is my cross to bear. We all have our challenges. I love you all!
emmi