Figuring out what I am

[Ayaka.N]

Now a couple of months on from my first real endulgence in my other side as an adult, I keep mulling the same questions over in my mind. As I read more and more articles about transitions and the like, I keep questioning my position in the spectrum of transgenderism. It's gonna be a little long so I apologise now that I'm not the most forethinking writer!

Around the time of my first experiments and conscious thoughts on the subject, in my very early teens, I was adamant that I'd go all the way to becoming a girl. Still being very immature, my thoughts weren't as developed as they could have been and my 'plan' was as juvenile as you could expect. "Fake own death -> ???????? -> live on as girl" The faking death part was so that my family would never have to know about it, which is still an issue to be honest, but I'll get to that. Anyway, for a while I really was very psyched about the subject, until puberty really started to dig in and along with the hair, I grew an "I will never be pretty" complex. And so the urge went away for a while.

Really though it had always been there in the background, cropping up every now and then. Around my late teens I had a brief weird obsession with some kind of magical chemical change that would transform me. A little stupid and a slightly scary mental place looking back, but I was really just that unhappy with my body in context of transitioning. In my mind at least I have gigantic shoulders, a big old rib cage and a couple of beef steaks for feet. I used to have more of a complex about my face too, but recently I've found it's really not that bad, and that's at least an area that can reasonably go under the knife.

Around my university years the issue popped up a couple of times but finally getting girlfriends and some great new friends the issue stayed mostly in the back of my head, mostly manifesting itself in desires to be slightly less than masculine, except for when the occasional girl would charm me into manning it up a bit. My first year out of university I got a very public job, between that and adjusting to life in the big wide world I never really got the chance to think about it. Then came a year of bad experiences and dark places, I didn't really consider myself a lot, really, I lost a lot of myself and I'm still kinda building it back up even now.

Then I moved to a new place with a new job, starting all new, and when halloween rolled around I somehow got pressganged into playing a female role, which was actually a big hit. Everybody I spoke to had a really positive comment on it. This of course planted a seed of confidence that has started to dislodge my "I will never be pretty" complex. Finally I got to thinking, with the right help, perhaps I could be pretty. It was this that sparked me to start a little CD collection, if only in secret.

In the last month though, I've really come question myself. Right now I know that I am at least between the TV and TS areas on the spectrum. Emotionally I'm leaning towards the TG end. Reading a lot of experiences online, so many match elements of my own. Really, even from a young age I was never a boy's boy, and I'm no closer to it now than I was then. Now I'm at the point where I'm evaluating all my reasons to or not to at least start the road of transition. Money aside, I think my biggest problem is facing the world. I just don't know if I have that kind of emotional strength in me. However, there are still things that push me towards getting 'fixed'. While there's also a grain of peter pan in the sentiment, I really do not want to become an older man. Even in my mid 20's here, the thought of becoming a 30, then 40 year old man is a little horrifying to me. Not once in my life have I been glad to be a 'man', I simply cannot understand the sentiment. I may have felt occasional pride in my genitalia, though even that's fading these days. Recently I have even felt that I wouldn't really care too much if something happened to my junk.

As for how I feel right now, if I could accomplish it with impunity, with good aesthetic results, I'd be rather eager to get my ass transitioned. Being in my mid 20s, I'm still at a good time to act, so I've decided to make a 'now or never' decision by the end of the year before it's 'too late'.

While I know this place is no replacement for a good therapist, I'm really interested in hearing some of the opinions and experiences of those who have tread this path before me. Sorry it was all a little long and scattered, I guess it just feels good for me as well to just put it all out there instead of keeping it locked in my head.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Ayaka,

You are doing the right thing by dissecting your gender variance at your age.
Being in your mid twenties is prime time for transition.
The time to come to a conclusion about what is needed for your life concerning transition is now.
Your very smart to give yourself a deadline.
The most important aspect of transition concerning your age is HRT.
Your body will respond extremely well because of you being young.
With each passing year however you statistically lose your ability to obtain notable body changes via HRT.
I attempted transition twice.
Once at 34 and again successfully at 39 turning 40.
That was five years ago.
I transitioned because it was a do or die situation for me.
Don't let it become the same for you.

Stay strong and stay the course.


Julia

[Jay Cee]

Very briefly: I secretly crossdressed on occasion while in my teens, 20's, 30's, and 40's. My fantasy life has pretty much always been from the female point of view. Recently, I freed myself from my self imposed silence on my TGism, and told my wife about it. For awhile after that, I was convinced that I was a transexual. Now, after a year or two of thought, more open crossdressing, and counselling, I think I am happy being someone who isn't tied to either gender. I'll still crossdress, and go for a very feminine look from time to time, but that's as far as I'll go, I suspect. I add to that that I really don't feel masculine. I do what may be considered masculine work, but that doesn't mean I am "manly" in any way.

One statement you made has me wondering:


As for how I feel right now, if I could accomplish it with impunity, with good aesthetic results, I'd be rather eager to get my ass transitioned.

Do you want to transition because you need to, or would you only do it if you could be very pretty and passable? It almost sounds more like a fantasy than a necessity. There is no shame in wanting to be a good looking woman, but what about beyond that? Are you prepared for all that goes with being a member of the fairer sex? Being considered a second class citizen at times? Not being taken seriously by men? Feeling weak and vulnerable when walking alone at night?

And the "with impunity" aspect of your statement means no repercussions from transitioning? Again, ask the women here about the likelihood of that.

I would also happily transition under similar circumstances, if I could be a young, attractive, and healthy woman.

I in no way mean to discourage you, Ayaka. I simply encourage you to fully explore this desire. Go see a therapist who is fully qualified in gender issues. And be prepared to accept who you are, should you decide that transitioning is not your path.

Wishing you success in your journey.

Jay Cee

[Kristy_K]

Being yourself is lot easier than what might think Ayaka. It is also more enjoyable.

Kristy

[Rianna Humble]

Hiya Ayaka, it is good that you are questioning and that you have set yourself a time-frame to decide who you are.

There is a chemical change that would transform you, but it is not magical and it takes time. That chemical change is a properly supervised hormone therapy regime.

It does take courage to transition, but it is also good that you are considering whether you are strong enough to face the world whilst you are in transition if that turns out to be the right path for you. I'm not sure what part of the world you are in, but people generally are a lot more tolerant of us now than they were when I was your age part way through last century.

Like JayCee, I am concerned that you said

if I could accomplish it with impunity, with good aesthetic results, I'd be rather eager to get my ass transitioned.
but for a different reason to her. I think that you are doing what I did when I was younger - setting the bar too high in an attempt to persuade yourself that transition is not for you.

Please understand that I am not trying to make the decision for you, but I spent far too long indulging
an "I will never be pretty" complex until I was driven to transition in later life as my only option for staying alive and I would not wish that on anybody.

I would encourage you to seek professional help in making your decision because talking things out with a therapist will help you to ask yourself the right questions to find what is right for your life. That is something that only you can do, but whether you decide that you are a cross-dressing man, a transsexual, or something in between, I will respect and support your decision.

[Kirsty_D]

Being yourself is lot easier than what might think Ayaka. It is also more enjoyable.

Kristy

Kristy is correct, just be yourself.

I've looked in the mirror a million times and seen just an ugly guy and though why bother, I'll only end up an even uglier woman.

However, recently I found a members photo's on Flickr (I was not a member here at the time, that's what led me here…) and she had posted before and after shot's and I was amazed at the transformation. A bloke who looks a bit like me (at least I feel so :) ) transformed into a totally passable beautiful woman (http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennastun/sets/72157629102514675/). At that point I realized I had only 2 option's left and the status quo was not one of them. Transition or die…

In the past month I've done so many thing's I thought I could never do, came out to family and friends, go out dressed in public, learnt the basic's of make up, built up a nice though still small wardrobe of clothes, started laser treatment on my face, seen a therapist and even got a referral to and endocrinologist and blood works done (I'm hoping tomorrow I get a script for HRT :) ).

I just can't believe how quickly things can change, from being in a very dark place with no hope and over 30 years of repression bottled up inside of me to just being ME!

There is still dark moments but I keep moving forward and they pass...

[Kaitlyn Michele]

your thinking is consistent with mine at your age..

the i'll never be pretty part was a big deal...at age 26, i had a car crash and i flew face first through a windshield, i barely survived...looking at my face, i saw a swollen pumpkin with over 200 stitches...my nose, lip and left eye deformed and patched back together...and what did i think??? I thought..thank god!! now i can't ever really look like a girl....

I repressed/supressed my thinking to the point of near insanity...i lived two entirely separate lives in my head..my male life was unburdened by all this...marriage , kids a big time corporate job...the whole world/oyster thing...in my 40's it all fell apart in a loud crash...and btw...even when i "knew"...i fought for years and years...and one thought i had was that i would never look female, and so i can't transition "whew"...unfortunately lyn conway came along and showed off her ffs and that blew my mind..and opened the trapdoor right under my feet..i kinda like that analogy of many trapdoors called the (I'm not transsexual because.....) door, standing on some very shaky balsa wood, and you keep crashing through each door , ending your own false narratives one by one, and you finally hit bottom..

so you are doing the right thing...think smart...know your options... don't put it off forever and take your inner thoughts seriously, just like you are doing..

remember that you are the best judge of what's going in your mind, but talking about here, with a good therapy professional and with ts people in your area are invaluable ways to get honest with yourself...cd or ts...

[sandra-leigh]

I transitioned because it was a do or die situation for me.
Don't let it become the same for you.




Please understand that I am not trying to make the decision for you, but I spent far too long indulging until I was driven to transition in later life as my only option for staying alive and I would not wish that on anybody.

I do not self-identify as TS, but none the less I have undertaken a number of the classic transition steps. Most of the time I didn't even really know what I was doing or why.

Like the first time I wore women's jeans to work, I just thought I was being rather daring on a "casual day", seeing what I could get away with; amazing how fast that evolved into only wearing female clothes to work.

All those times I wore breast-forms on the bus and in the mall and grocery store: I was effectively getting in some RLE, learning how to live with society and with myself in an androgynous presentation.

But there wasn't any plan: there were just "irrational" internal urges and me feeling sickly when I resisted them.

By the time I got to HRT, I had tried at least a dozen anti-depressants, and although they certainly helped (well, some of them), there was still something missing, something that kept dragging me back down. HRT scared me, but I saw that there was a chance it would help me (even though I don't identify as transsexual). I knew I could postpone it, but I looked ahead and asked myself how many years of misery I could live with. No-one promised me anything about the effect of HRT on me, and there were doubts expressed (with some justification) about whether someone who did not identify as a transsexual should even try. I went ahead, though, and thank the heavens that it is working on me.

These things I've done: I did them because I had to do them. The "Why" of it I still don't really know. The HRT: it turned out I needed it, but I didn't know that until I was on it.

I was, in a sense, lucky (if one might call it that), that I didn't stop to ask whether I will be attractive, young, beautiful, whatever. I did stop for about 5 seconds to ask myself whether people would laugh at me, but quickly answered myself, "Why yes, they probably will, and how will that be different than what I'm living with now? I might as well enjoy myself since people are going to mistreat me now matter what I do." You live for what's inside you. (And people turned out to be friendly and considerate!)

Rianna has, in the past, spoken about feeling physically sick when she had to put on a (men's) suit. I haven't worn a suit in 20 years, and I can identify -- and I worry that if I switch jobs, that I might be asked to wear a suit.

Where have I rambled to this time? :D

You don't need to have a complete theory of who you are before you start doing something. It is possibly even better if you do not have that complete theory, because you should let yourself evolve according to how you feel in practice, rather than acting according to some ideal that might not really fit you.

It's my day off; I'm allowed not to make sense today :D

[ReineD]

Finally I got to thinking, with the right help, perhaps I could be pretty. It was this that sparked me to start a little CD collection, if only in secret.

...

As for how I feel right now, if I could accomplish it with impunity, with good aesthetic results, I'd be rather eager to get my ass transitioned.

What do you consider is "good aesthetic results"?

There are different levels of attractiveness. Obviously I don't know what you look like (distance between the eyes & eye shape, overall face shape & symmetry, lip & nose shape, etc). I'd say most people are average looking (not ugly, but not head-turners either), with a small percentage that most people would consider attractive. Assuming you have an average face, would you be satisfied being a feminine version of you, or do you aim for a higher level of attractiveness?

I hope you're taking my question the right way, I'm not saying you're ugly or anything, since again I've no idea what you look like. But if you end up being an average looking female, would this be OK?

Have a look here at an example of attractive vs. average. Don't pay attention to the short hair on the women ... they do this in order to emphasize facial features and bone structure for discussion:

http://www.uni-regensburg.de/Fakultaeten/phil_Fak_II/Psychologie/Psy_II/beautycheck/english/prototypen/prototypen.htm

[Ciel]

i applaud the fact of your analyzing yourself at this stage. i too have been in that same position for a few years before deciding upon transitioning. i cared little about how i looked like in my early teenage years, simply because what i see in the mirror is not of value to me. now that i am in the process of transition, the length of time i spend daily in front of a mirror has increased significantly - and i don't hate what i see anymore. the genitalia i am born with is now just a little inconvenience - but its something i can live with.
transition can indeed take everything from you and/or renew you at the same time. i hope you find the answers you need and arrive at a decision with the least regrets as possible, within the time span you wish. be well, godspeed.

[Olli]

While there's also a grain of peter pan in the sentiment, I really do not want to become an older man. Even in my mid 20's here, the thought of becoming a 30, then 40 year old man is a little horrifying to me. Not once in my life have I been glad to be a 'man', I simply cannot understand the sentiment. I may have felt occasional pride in my genitalia, though even that's fading these days. Recently I have even felt that I wouldn't really care too much if something happened to my junk.

As for how I feel right now, if I could accomplish it with impunity, with good aesthetic results, I'd be rather eager to get my ass transitioned. Being in my mid 20s, I'm still at a good time to act, so I've decided to make a 'now or never' decision by the end of the year before it's 'too late'.


I may be able to relate to your situation. I'm also in my mid-20s, and also very frightened of the idea to continue living as a man. I was hoping that I could find some life-satisfaction in working & academics, but at this point I've realized that until this "issue" is confronted, I'll always be depressed, and perhaps resentful/regretful in the future. I'm going to visit a counselor this week, but I do feel very strongly as to what I want/need.



While I know this place is no replacement for a good therapist, I'm really interested in hearing some of the opinions and experiences of those who have tread this path before me. Sorry it was all a little long and scattered, I guess it just feels good for me as well to just put it all out there instead of keeping it locked in my head.


I wish I could contribute, but I'm only going to be beginning. I think it's instrumental to find a good therapist/counselor, particularly one who has personal or professional experience in gender identity issues. I've actually scheduled for two therapists, one who lives the life and one who has worked closely with the transgender community. I may be able to elaborate on those sessions in the future.

[Ayaka.N]

Thank you all so much for such supportive and constructive replies, even reading your thoughts helps me figure out myself a little more!

To touch on a few points and hopefully answer some others as well,


Do you want to transition because you need to, or would you only do it if you could be very pretty and passable? It almost sounds more like a fantasy than a necessity. There is no shame in wanting to be a good looking woman, but what about beyond that? Are you prepared for all that goes with being a member of the fairer sex? Being considered a second class citizen at times? Not being taken seriously by men? Feeling weak and vulnerable when walking alone at night?

And the "with impunity" aspect of your statement means no repercussions from transitioning? Again, ask the women here about the likelihood of that.

I think you're probably pretty close to the mark, really right now in my life it's not a 'necessity', however time marches on regardless and I don't wanna wake up one day in the future knowing I missed my chance. I'm not actually a native of my country of residence so problems with being taken seriously and stuff is kind of a pre-existing condition ;)
As for impunity, I was really just exploring an ideal world example, really the eyes of society are one of my reasons against. It's one of those things I'm not quite sure I can handle, it would be jolly nice if the world would piss off a bit and let me transition in peace, if it came to it.

As for the attractiveness part, I think this post here is closer:

Like JayCee, I am concerned that you said "if I could accomplish it with impunity, with good aesthetic results, I'd be rather eager to get my ass transitioned." but for a different reason to her. I think that you are doing what I did when I was younger - setting the bar too high in an attempt to persuade yourself that transition is not for you.

Really though, thinking about it, the one aesthetic I value above all else is the femininity, perhaps I might be happy with looking like an average girl, as long as I looked pretty much like a girl. The one time I was publicly dressing, I was called cute, but I, and I'm pretty sure everyone else too, could plainly see I'm a man under the wig and make up. I dressed a little this evening in private and took some test pictures and it's the little things that spoil it all. A manly muscle crease on my calves, a strong jaw, the lack of 'shape'. Really I don't have to be that attractive as long as I look 'right'.


However, recently I found a members photo's on Flickr (I was not a member here at the time, that's what led me here…) and she had posted before and after shot's and I was amazed at the transformation. A bloke who looks a bit like me (at least I feel so :) ) transformed into a totally passable beautiful woman (http://www.flickr.com/photos/jennastun/sets/72157629102514675/). At that point I realized I had only 2 option's left and the status quo was not one of them. Transition or die…
Stuff like this makes me feel really good actually, I've been combing the internet recently for as many before/after surgeries as I can find. It really makes me want to push forward and makes me think that I might have a chance too.