Depression

[Aprilrain]

Depression, it just won't go away. I've been on an anti depressant since December it seemed to work for awhile then not. The dr doubled my dose which seemed to work for awhile and now seems to be fading in it's efficacy. The depression isn't constant I have great, good, bad and flat days. kinda in that order. Even though the flat days aren't nearly as intensely bad as the bad days in a way they are worse. I guess I'd rather feel bad than nothing at all.
I won't even try to explain or figure out why I'm depressed, I have external and probably internal (chemical) reasons for being depressed, I'm sure, however it is my thought process while I'm depressed that is gender related and driving me insane. It goes something like this.
Something triggers the depressive episode, I feel as though the hormones are causing the depression or at least make it worse, I feel "sentenced" to being male (this is usually where I start crying), I start thinking I should quit taking the hormones and stop all this transition nonsense (crying harder) I'm just being selfish, maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I'm just fooling myself, maybe detransitioning would help, even if that's true I'd rather be dead.
There is so much more to it but I had to distill it down into something manageable and coherent.
Not sure where I'm going with this just had to get it out, I guess does/did anyone else feel this way.

[elizabethamy]

April, I don't have anything to offer in terms of hormones and their effect on depression (though I bet it might be connected and you should make sure your endo and your psych are in communication about what you're taking simultaneously)....but I can say that my response to anti depressants comes and goes ... and that lots of people I know have had dramatically different results with different medications. So if you're taking prozac and it's not working very well, ask for wellbutrin or lexapro or something else. These medications are all pretty different from each other chemically but they work to achieve similar goals. So it might not be anything other than a medication tweak is what's needed. Ask your doc to listen to you and to try another route.

elizabethamy

[Kaitlyn Michele]

One thing that is true is that treating depression with meds is a trial and error process.

Meds do lose efficacy sometimes...i don't know if hormones impact them, but i'd guess its a real possibility..

i know my brother struggled for 2 years with different meds, and ended up getting his thyroid checked, and when he started synthroid, all of sudden the meds started working beautifully...

i took paxil for many years, I went off it for a bit, but had to go back on...guess what...it didn't work anymore...

so hang in there and see your other options...even if your gender IS the issue, going BACKWARDS is not going to help you...i'm pretty sure you know this already

..also one thing i suffered was post surgery blues...this happened more after srs, but also after ffs...its a HUGE emotional and physical undertaking...you did it...and now what?? the skys havent opened up with the perfect rainbow of happiness..after all that effort it can be a real letdown...do not ignore this possibility that its just a temporary blowback from what you've been through..

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi April,

Have you ever thought about adding an additional medication to your anti depressant?
Abilify has worked very well for many people and I think it would be worth a try.

Transition also has the very bad days in store for us besides the good April. You know I know about such darkness.
Stay the course and be brave sister.
Transition isn't any picnic but with friends like us you will persevere.


Julia

[Laurie Ann]

April,

Have you been in my head. That is exactly what I go through every day I have been on a variety of anti depressants for over five years and HRT for about three. I constantly question what I am doing all the time if you figure it out let me know.

[RachelOKC]

April, I completely understand. I have similar thoughts every day.

I've struggled with a degree of depression for most of my life, but over the past year it became a lot worse. I won't get into all the details, but it culminated in me feeling a total failure unable to change and I got to constantly thinking about jumping off a bridge. I decided that wasn't so good, so I finally got into some depression treatement.

I've been on a couple of different meds with pretty ho-hum results; they do help somewhat (lows not as low) but they're not great. You may need to try other things like examining and changing your negative thoughts.

A lot of depressed people get stuck ruminating in distorted thoughts which reinforce bad feelings. If you're not familiar with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), it teaches you how to examine the thoughts and behavior and change both. Basically, when you have a negative thought, you write it down on a Thought Record, dissect it, and come up with something positive to replace it. Easier said than done of course and it takes a while to figure out how to put the logic over emotion, but it can help. You might want to Google CBT and Thought Records, talk to a therapist about it, or take a class on it. I was able to take classes through my health care provider for very low cost and it gave me some good tools to work with.

I don't think you really want to stop hormones, detransition, or off yourself; these are just temporary thoughts that you can break down and turn around into something more helpful.

[AlanaG]

I have struggled with depression for decades. Pharmaceuticals are not the 100% solution. You need to find a good counselor. After going to about six I've finally found one that I can relate to what she is talking about and I feel better than ever. I've also tried about four different drugs. Currently on the lowest dose I've ever been on and will be going off all together here shortly to see how it goes.

[arbon]

I guess does/did anyone else feel this way.

Yes.

It is something I have struggled a lot with. Usually triggered around gender / feeling stuck with this male identity that I am still pretending to be for work and unable to move on in transition. I can usually expect a couple days a week to be serious depression.

[Jordie]

April,

We all want you to be well and feel better right now. You can also help yourself by initiating an exercise routine and to add lots, lots of water and greens to your diet. The exercise will allow you to release other hormones such Thyroxine (T4) which will help you feel more energetic and also endorphins which allows you to raise your enthusiasm, happiness and also reduces anxiety. Try it at least 30 mins everyday and please don't get inside your shell, talk, talk, talk express everything you are felling. You are not alone my dear. you are not alone.

God bless

[Stephenie S]

One thing that is true is that treating depression with meds is a trial and error process.

Meds do lose efficacy sometimes...i don't know if hormones impact them, but i'd guess its a real possibility..

i know my brother struggled for 2 years with different meds, and ended up getting his thyroid checked, and when he started synthroid, all of sudden the meds started working beautifully...

i took paxil for many years, I went off it for a bit, but had to go back on...guess what...it didn't work anymore...

so hang in there and see your other options...even if your gender IS the issue, going BACKWARDS is not going to help you...i'm pretty sure you know this already

..also one thing i suffered was post surgery blues...this happened more after srs, but also after ffs...its a HUGE emotional and physical undertaking...you did it...and now what?? the skies haven't opened up with the perfect rainbow of happiness..after all that effort it can be a real letdown...do not ignore this possibility that its just a temporary blow back from what you've been through..

Dear, dear April,

I want to emphasize something that Kaitlyn just wrote.

"Treating depression with meds is a TRIAL AND ERROR process"

This is so true. Keep at it. Yes, try Abilify. Try them all. Keep at it. Don't give up. This is difficult because it takes anti-psychotics so long to become effective. You have to take them for several months to let them build up in your system. But when you do find the right drug or the right combination of drugs you will be rewarded. Keep at it.

And for goodness sake, dear, DON'T try to detransition. Things will get better. I know, and I promise.

Your friend,
Stephenie

[kimdl93]

Having dealt with severe depression, I can empathize with how you feel. For me, the combination of congnitive therapy and meds did work, but it was a long process. I suspect that the cognitive therapy was the key to my recovery. I practiced a variety of techniques aimed at relearning my thought processes, learning to redirect or eliminate negative or self defeating thought processes and substitute more positive ones. It works, but requires commitment, diligence and practice....all of which are difficult when' you're feeling depressed.

Hang in there, keep working on it. It does get better.

[KellyJameson]

Hi April

Wanted to share some thoughts that you may find beneficial.

It is possible the depression comes from the foods you are eating and your exercise habits and not a product "of" your mind but "affects" your mind.

I personally think it is very difficult to avoid some form of depression in the absence of vigorous exercise that is FUN, it must be enjoyable to reap the benefits and preferably social in nature.

Also packaged/processed foods are unnatural and run contrary to the needs of our bodies that have evolved over thousands of years. Try to eat foods in there natural state before they have been manipulated.

In my mind depression is a sense of hopelessness that is born from the belief that life is meaningless and not worth the effort, that everything we do is a waste of time and effort and we suffer without any expectation of escape with death the end result. This is an illusion and the reality is exactly the opposite but unfortunately each person must discover this for themselves.

It is rare for a young child that has not experienced trauma to suffer from depression because life is new and exciting to them. The answer to depression is in the differences between children and adults. Children have not lost that joy and curiosity of just being, they have not learned to make their happiness conditional yet.

Wanting a feminine body to express your feminine energy is the most natural desire in the world and you can move closer to your ideal within the limits of physical reality. We all must learn and accept the limits that life imposes on each of us, this is an act of love of self and when you expect more than what is possible you cause yourself pain. Always remember that the half empty cup is also half full. Your picture is very pretty by the way.

[Aprilrain]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I saw my shrink today and told him what's been going on, he suggested and wrote a script for Abilify. I'm on Welbutrin BTW. Anyway in talking with him I realized how frustrated I am with my present circumstances, stalled divorce, on again off again good relations with the ex (frenemies), financial troubles, no job, i hate were i live, My BFs house is not finished (no kitchen, half finished bathroom etc.) Lots of stress. Not to mention I'm in the middle of transition! I sometimes forget that things won't always be this way. I have a new therapist, and so far I like her better than the old one but she is not in network so I'll have to cut back to seeing her once a month. I already tried the stopping hormones experiment and didn't like it, went off for two weeks prior to FFS, my T spiked. I got really horny which I didn't mind except I've gotten used to not needing to have an orgasm during sex but the drive to have an orgasm came back but the orgasms weren't as good LOL. I started to feel really short tempered and agitated as well. The worst part was my mental reaction to the physical, I got really oily, broke out, my body hair started growing faster my meager boobs vanished! and basically my GD got worse. I take estradiol and progesterone and I'm pretty constant about taking them at the same times everyday so I'm pretty sure my hormone levels are fairly constant. I have the same hormones when I'm feeling great as I do when I'm feeling hopeless, it's probably not the hormones. I know E changed my response to the depression from anger to sadness which requires different coping strategies. I have been thinking about the food I eat and I rarely cook since we have no kitchen, when I do cook it's for my kids who eat only kid food, yuck. My BF and I eat out almost every meal.

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and comments

[Rachel Smith]

....stop all this transition nonsense (crying harder) I'm just being selfish, maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I'm just fooling myself, maybe detransitioning would help, even if that's true I'd rather be dead. ......

I am not on hormones but considering it. This is one of the things that scares me most. What happens if I do this and things are no different, what then?

Rachel

[Babeba]

I can't say anything about transitioning, but when I was on the pill I found that even taking my pill at the same time everyday I would get hormone highs and lows. Now, I know absolutely nothing about transition hormones, but is there any way they can come as a patch? Constant, low doses could work out better. :hugs:

[juno]

Anti-depressants are really only a temporary measure, and really only helpful for severe depression. Studies show that the average person prescribed anti-depressants does just as well with a placebo. With real anti-depressants, you then have to go through withdrawl. that does not mean that they are not useful. A lot of us fit into th severe category. The problem is that many people are treated with drugs but without counseling to fix the real problem

Another thing to consider is whether you have had depression episodes before starting transition. Even if GD is the problem and transition is the right thing to do, it may take a lot of time to get your brain out of the habit of depression. Transition alone is not the complete fix. Even if all goes well, you can feel depressed about all of the lost time spent in the wrong gender. Keep working on your feelings, and preferrably talk to other trans people in person. Talking to people with similar issues is often more useful than the best counselor.

[Kelly DeWinter]

April,

A lot of people believe that meds alone will handle their depression. While you have recieved excelent advice here, you should also be doing some CBT (Cognative Behavioral Thearapy) While a therapist would be best, an alternative would be reading some books on the subject. Meds will only control the symptoms, CBT will give you control of your life.

[Badtranny]

Hey April, we've chatted and video chatted many times as you know, and I can tell you without a doubt that this de-transition nonsense is just crazy talk. I've always said you can tell a TS from a CD in the space of a conversation. You are a naturally feminine being and you are moving in the right direction.

I'm not a prayer, so I'm not gonna say I'll pray for ya but I want you to know that you are definitely in my thoughts. You are the real deal lady and I'm proud to call you my friend.

PS, I've intentionally said something very provocative in this post just so you can be entertained by the ensuing battle. I'm sticking my neck out for YOUR entertainment.

[Traci Elizabeth]

There are two depression drugs that work wonders and one that is specifically designed to not only get you out of depression but at the same time give you energy and focus. I won't name them here but if you or anyone else would like to know, just PM me.

[kellycan27]

April... you probably already know what I am going to say (again) .. Besides trying, and giving those anti-depressants time to work you need to GET OUT and do something.. Get a job, find a hobby. You have too much "think time" on your hands.

Kel

[Aprilrain]

Hey April, we've video chatted many times. You are a naturally feminine being

Even when I have to grow out my facial hair for electro?:heehee:

Kelly, I've been busy all weekend! Remodeling my BFs kitchen, as long as I'm busy the depression isn't to bad and the welbutrin helps get me up and out of bed and moving but at some point I have to turn the lights and tv off and then it's just me and my thoughts.

Luckily it never last more than a couple of days

[RachelOKC]

GET OUT and do something..

So well said and so important. When I took CBT modules, that was one of the first things the psychologist wrote on the board.

It's funny, tonight I did just that by going to a TG social group and there was a huge turnout including some friends I haven't seen in a while. I had a great time, like I haven't had in a long time. And then I got in the car to go home and felt awful sadness because it was over. Depression is really crummy that way.

It's insidious...it turns positives into negatives. It steals desire, pleasure, and energy. It turns molehills into mountains. Just the very knowledge of being depressed can make you feel worse about yourself. It's such a vicious circle and you have to claw your way out of it.

I'm glad you're keeping busy around the house April, I know that helps.

[jaleecd]

Ihave heard depression described as anger turned inward. I have to look at what is eating at me and deal with what control I have over that issue, and if I am giving it more power in my life than what it deserves. Our minds are out to get us! lol
Peace and love.....Jalee

[Kirsty_D]

April, I've nothing specific to offer you but you have given me some very good advice and I feel your pain. Hang in there… in my teen's and early 20's I suffered a lot with depression but I never seen anybody about this, I was just lucky enough to work my way through it. Now in my mid 40's when ever I feel down I stop what I'm doing and sit down and try to analyze why I'm feeling blue. Almost always the answer is obvious and smack's me right between the eye's and I feel a little foolish for feeling depressed because of 'x', 'y', 'z' etc…

All I can say is write down your problems, then prioritize there importance and finally write down what you can do to fix the problems right now…

It's a strange thing in this 'digital' age but writing down your problems using pen and paper can significantly help you to over come life's problems, just the simple fact of making you issues real on paper helps a lot.

[Chickhe]

Sometimes you have to remember that you can't do everything and you can live and be happy even if everything around you is not. Renovating is good exercise, but also can be stressful because it might be a long road and expensive to finish. Get outside and find a way to exercise...it really does help. On a nice spring day, everyone is in a good mood and smiles. One other thing to do is just try laughing and hand off some of your responsibilities to other people who are able to do them...just to give yourself a chance to do nothing...to worry about nothing at all.

[Sally24]

Unfortunetly many on this board deal with depression. I can just reiterate that finding the right balance of drugs is sometimes slow and trial and error. I try to find the things that make me feel sad or set me off on that path and avoid them. Hopefully this new mix will help you. Hang in there!:)

[Starling]

April, I don't go to church either, but I'm sending you a constant stream of loving thoughts. You will get through this.

:) Lallie

[elizabethamy]

fresh air, diet, yoga, biking -- it's all good. but all that suggests that depression is self-caused, when for most it's simply that the complex mix of chemicals and synapses in the brain isn't quite right. Medicine can be important, and blaming the self for not taking care of the self, thus causing one's own depression, can be a debilitating cycle. Life is hard. If you need the drugs, take them and don't apologize.

e

[Aprilrain]

I try to find the things that make me feel sad or set me off on that path and avoid them.

this is how insidious it can be! I went to bed fin, I even had a nice dream and when I woke up I was fine. My BF was still sleeping but I knew he would wake up soon and I wanted to cuddle with him. In that span of time, about 5 minutes, I went from a pleasant thought to life sucks and is not worth the effort. I didn't have time to get busy. I cried got it over with and then got busy. The crying was essential as it relieved the Physical pain of the depression and anxiety then I could go about my day. Got a lot done, met with the electrician, did some yard work and more. I think busy is great, I think accomplishments are great but from where I'm standing right now I don't think I can busy my way out of depression. Maybe I can keep busy long enough for it to just go away on its own.


fresh air, diet, yoga, biking -- it's all good. but all that suggests that depression is self-caused, when for most it's simply that the complex mix of chemicals and synapses in the brain isn't quite right. Medicine can be important, and blaming the self for not taking care of the self, thus causing one's own depression, can be a debilitating cycle. Life is hard. If you need the drugs, take them and don't apologize.


this is a very observant post thank you

[Southern Michele]

Go hound your doctor! If these things are going to work you should know within a week or two max. My friends remind me that Doctors "practice" medicine. I always thought they just knew the answers. Anyway, after having a number of years dealing with this: don't settle with unpleasant side effects, if you feel bad tell them before your samples run out. Don't try to adjust to something for a month. If it's going to work you should be feeling better. Some I have tried were just OK. You are not a "chemistry set" so don't let the doctor talk you into something that makes you feel bad (dry mouth, no libido, or worse). Everyone is NOT THE SAME!!!! My most recent "X" was fine taking Zoloft but had bad breath from it and absolutely changed personality when she quit taking it. In my experience and IMHO there is a good mix for most of us but you have to tell the doctor quickly when something is not working and move on. Don't worry about all of the normal stressors in life being the cause. We all have that. Just get the right meds and feel better. Hope you can do all that without loosing someone you care about.

[Kelly DeWinter]

I've recieved a few requests on CBT, a very good website is http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-for-depression . Please keep in mind CBT has nothing to do with crossdressing or being transgendered. It is a way of altering your thoughts to create a more positive outlook on life. It is very effective in creating a more positive mindset. It is a treatment not a cure, like any other treatment, you get out what you put in.

[GinaVegas]

April, take a look at this article from Dr. Weil re: Emotional Health, Depression.....

http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00696/depression-treatment

I've personally used both SAMe and fish oils in the past myself.....as I try to minimize the amount of prescription drugs that I take in my life (not that I am taking any right now).

Hope that helps. :)

[Beth-Lock]

Something triggers the depressive episode, I feel as though the hormones are causing the depression or at least make it worse, I feel "sentenced" to being male (this is usually where I start crying), I start thinking I should quit taking the hormones and stop all this transition nonsense (crying harder) I'm just being selfish, maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I'm just fooling myself, maybe detransitioning would help, even if that's true I'd rather be dead.

Take heart that taking hormones is not necessary for transition. Under the new Standards of Care, the taking of hormones is no longer required before or for, GRS. Dr. Brassard, for example, accepts this. Not every transwoman can take hormones, for example, for physical health reasons.

So, going off hormones, does not mean that you have to detransition.

I talked to a young GG who, due to the hormones in her birth control pills, went into a deep depression. In her case, a change to another kind of birth control pill, solved the problem, and she returned to her normal, cheery disposition. Hormones can cause a serious depression, and even anti-androgens can too. Luckily they are not a necessity.