Jordie
04-02-2012, 02:14 PM
Dear Friends,
I wanted to share with you some of the latest happenings in my universe.
Weeks ago I was approved to take my second yoga training at the Sivananda Vedanta in Paradise Island - Bahamas. I am so excited for it. I am leaving this Wednesday for an entire month. I will be living in an Ashram while I learn more about this practice and its wonderful philosophy and also to become more proficient in my teaching skills. I am both excited and nervous, although I have been living 99% full time (1% for work once a week) for more than 10 months, I am still a little nervous about leaving the country as female. It will be my first experience flying as a woman.
I cannot deny the fact that I am still questioning about my transition but I continue with my HRT and I am on my seventh month now. I still have lots of fear about the future and the implications a transition can bring. Although I do not see myself having SRS (who knows this might change), I always wonder if there are TG women living only on HRT and I wonder the effects the Spiro or anti-androgens brought to their health. Talking with my therapist and endo, it seems that Transgender women can take Spiro for their rest of their lives to control their T levels with out any major complications. I honestly thought that Estrogen itself could take over and one could stop Spiro. I guess I was wrong.
I understand everybody's situation is different and in my case, I have two wonderful young children (12yoM and 10yoF) who love and accept me just the way I am, I have an ex wife who also understands and perhaps accepts me in her own way.We now live separate but we are good friends. My issues are then my other family such as parents and siblings and some good friends. My father is 80yo, and Mom is 68yo and I think why giving them this news that could perhaps bring anxiety, sadness, anger or any sort of burden to their golden years. They live overseas anyway and I don't see them every year. I am terrified by the fact I might lose them if I tell them. This is indeed a hard decision to make. Friends are also part of my fear. I understand I am not a kid anymore and my friends have their own lives, their own families and their own issues but I still am afraid to come out to them. My best friend lives overseas and I don't see him ever but we are still in touch. My others friends are here in the US and they are also married and with their own families
In the case of my sisters, one lives overseas and I see her every 4 to 5 years, my other sister lives in TX and I see her also very rarely. We talk every week though. One that concerns me is my older brother who lives in New Jersey, very close to me (New York), he is married and have 1 adolescent daughter and tow baby boys (4yo and 8mo yo). I am concerned about his reaction if I tell him. Sometimes I think I should approach my sister-in-law and open myself to her but then I retract. It is hard.
Once in a while I feel that transition is a choice for me, not a must, and I sometimes feel that perhaps I could live as male, but after all these years and lately during this time living full time, I cannot see myself going back to live as male everyday. I know this is not going to change, If I go back to male, i will be back to the vicious cycle of crossdressing and living frustrated and never satisfied with anything. In fact, the reason of my marriage being damaged was not due me being transgender, (for 30 something years I did not know I was), it was because I treated her like garbage, with no respect, always jealous of her and subconsciously envying her, obviously, she fell out of love and the rest is history.
Regarding my job, right know I do have to turn in male once a week because I have to go to office to meet my Project Managers. I am Senior PM for a construction management company and I am home based. I have been with the company for many years and I have a very flexible schedule allowing me to be me all the time. I can't and I won't transition at work because number one, it is not the right environment and number two I don't really like the job, it is a harsh environment, especially dealing with contractors, architects, engineers and clients. A job full of ego and testosterone. I keep this job only because it allows me freedom, and pays the bills and I don't want to transition to become homeless. but quite honestly, the back and forth is really mentally and emotionally tiring. I have been seriously thinking about changing careers and perhaps to keep taking more training and eventually work in the fitness field. I currently teach yoga at two LGBT center as a volunteer basis as a way to give back to the community, I do it as a woman and I love it. this year I am planning to venture out and see if I can get a job as a Yoga teacher on a regular every day to every body studio. I do have my doubts and am afraid they would not hire me because of my TG status. I have done some research and I have not been able to find any transgender yoga teacher currently teaching to the general public, so I feel I will be like sort of like the pioneer on this field as a transgender woman. Any advise on changing careers and/or ideas of how to make my professional life more rewarding as a woman, I will highly appreciate it.
I love and feel fine living as a woman, I have never, ever, ever had any bad experiences interacting with people in general. I like the feeling hormones have brought to me and I don't reject the changes. They feel a little bit different, especially seeing my breasts growing and the distribution of fat in my face and body in general, anyway, all the effects we all know HRT brings to one's body , also the sexual aspect, where the genitalia, although still "alive" , has immensely diminished his potency. Libido has changed indeed but still there, but it sort of different, by the way, this is one the reasons I wonder about the anti-androgens such a Spiro. I would not like to become 100% asexual, I would like to still be able to feel something, not because I want to be able to have intercourse with another woman but to be able to feel some pleasure perhaps, but again, it is not really, really, really important. Overall, I do like the peace and all effects HRT is bringing.
Dear friends, thank you so much for reading my posts. I know your time is precious and I do appreciate it. I would like to receive some of your input concerning my statements and perhaps good ideas for me.
I am very confident this Yoga retreat will allow me to find my true self once and for all and accept me and learn to love and be free and remove all my fears and move on with my life as an emotionally successful woman so I can become a true person for the benefit of my loved ones and our world.
Love always
Jordie
I wanted to share with you some of the latest happenings in my universe.
Weeks ago I was approved to take my second yoga training at the Sivananda Vedanta in Paradise Island - Bahamas. I am so excited for it. I am leaving this Wednesday for an entire month. I will be living in an Ashram while I learn more about this practice and its wonderful philosophy and also to become more proficient in my teaching skills. I am both excited and nervous, although I have been living 99% full time (1% for work once a week) for more than 10 months, I am still a little nervous about leaving the country as female. It will be my first experience flying as a woman.
I cannot deny the fact that I am still questioning about my transition but I continue with my HRT and I am on my seventh month now. I still have lots of fear about the future and the implications a transition can bring. Although I do not see myself having SRS (who knows this might change), I always wonder if there are TG women living only on HRT and I wonder the effects the Spiro or anti-androgens brought to their health. Talking with my therapist and endo, it seems that Transgender women can take Spiro for their rest of their lives to control their T levels with out any major complications. I honestly thought that Estrogen itself could take over and one could stop Spiro. I guess I was wrong.
I understand everybody's situation is different and in my case, I have two wonderful young children (12yoM and 10yoF) who love and accept me just the way I am, I have an ex wife who also understands and perhaps accepts me in her own way.We now live separate but we are good friends. My issues are then my other family such as parents and siblings and some good friends. My father is 80yo, and Mom is 68yo and I think why giving them this news that could perhaps bring anxiety, sadness, anger or any sort of burden to their golden years. They live overseas anyway and I don't see them every year. I am terrified by the fact I might lose them if I tell them. This is indeed a hard decision to make. Friends are also part of my fear. I understand I am not a kid anymore and my friends have their own lives, their own families and their own issues but I still am afraid to come out to them. My best friend lives overseas and I don't see him ever but we are still in touch. My others friends are here in the US and they are also married and with their own families
In the case of my sisters, one lives overseas and I see her every 4 to 5 years, my other sister lives in TX and I see her also very rarely. We talk every week though. One that concerns me is my older brother who lives in New Jersey, very close to me (New York), he is married and have 1 adolescent daughter and tow baby boys (4yo and 8mo yo). I am concerned about his reaction if I tell him. Sometimes I think I should approach my sister-in-law and open myself to her but then I retract. It is hard.
Once in a while I feel that transition is a choice for me, not a must, and I sometimes feel that perhaps I could live as male, but after all these years and lately during this time living full time, I cannot see myself going back to live as male everyday. I know this is not going to change, If I go back to male, i will be back to the vicious cycle of crossdressing and living frustrated and never satisfied with anything. In fact, the reason of my marriage being damaged was not due me being transgender, (for 30 something years I did not know I was), it was because I treated her like garbage, with no respect, always jealous of her and subconsciously envying her, obviously, she fell out of love and the rest is history.
Regarding my job, right know I do have to turn in male once a week because I have to go to office to meet my Project Managers. I am Senior PM for a construction management company and I am home based. I have been with the company for many years and I have a very flexible schedule allowing me to be me all the time. I can't and I won't transition at work because number one, it is not the right environment and number two I don't really like the job, it is a harsh environment, especially dealing with contractors, architects, engineers and clients. A job full of ego and testosterone. I keep this job only because it allows me freedom, and pays the bills and I don't want to transition to become homeless. but quite honestly, the back and forth is really mentally and emotionally tiring. I have been seriously thinking about changing careers and perhaps to keep taking more training and eventually work in the fitness field. I currently teach yoga at two LGBT center as a volunteer basis as a way to give back to the community, I do it as a woman and I love it. this year I am planning to venture out and see if I can get a job as a Yoga teacher on a regular every day to every body studio. I do have my doubts and am afraid they would not hire me because of my TG status. I have done some research and I have not been able to find any transgender yoga teacher currently teaching to the general public, so I feel I will be like sort of like the pioneer on this field as a transgender woman. Any advise on changing careers and/or ideas of how to make my professional life more rewarding as a woman, I will highly appreciate it.
I love and feel fine living as a woman, I have never, ever, ever had any bad experiences interacting with people in general. I like the feeling hormones have brought to me and I don't reject the changes. They feel a little bit different, especially seeing my breasts growing and the distribution of fat in my face and body in general, anyway, all the effects we all know HRT brings to one's body , also the sexual aspect, where the genitalia, although still "alive" , has immensely diminished his potency. Libido has changed indeed but still there, but it sort of different, by the way, this is one the reasons I wonder about the anti-androgens such a Spiro. I would not like to become 100% asexual, I would like to still be able to feel something, not because I want to be able to have intercourse with another woman but to be able to feel some pleasure perhaps, but again, it is not really, really, really important. Overall, I do like the peace and all effects HRT is bringing.
Dear friends, thank you so much for reading my posts. I know your time is precious and I do appreciate it. I would like to receive some of your input concerning my statements and perhaps good ideas for me.
I am very confident this Yoga retreat will allow me to find my true self once and for all and accept me and learn to love and be free and remove all my fears and move on with my life as an emotionally successful woman so I can become a true person for the benefit of my loved ones and our world.
Love always
Jordie