What's happening to me? (Am I becoming my mother...)

[Miss Mandy]

This last Sunday, as I arrived home from a late night out as Jessica, I stood looking at myself in the mirror. I had just taken off my lovely black dress and was dressed in my black all-in-one, full make-up, fully shaved body, French nails, and my "Xena" warrior princess wig...I began to question what drives me to do this? Even with the support of my wife, I question why I continue to have this desire and even, I may dare say, obsession.

Eventually, I decided that I was made this way. I love to dress as a women and be the women that has so often been buried inside of me. Jessica is quite different from my male persona. She is gentle, secure, at peace, but she likes to do things that I abhorred growing up. She smokes, she dresses a little on the risqué side, she is quite vulnerable nevertheless.

Surprisingly, she is much like my mother. In fact, when I become Jessica and see myself, I see mom somehow looking back. But the fact is, I was never close to my mother growing up. Perhaps, I become Jessica to be close to something I never had as a child.

Go chew on that for a while...

P.S. let me now step out for a Virginia Slim 120 (even though I once lectured my mom daily about her smoking habit...life is weird)

[Barbara Ella]

Outside of our wife, our mother has spent the most time with us, and all of it during our formative years, and I mean en utero, and after birth. It is only natural that, if one has the tendency for a feminine component, that our Mom would be imprinted on us. Behaviors, mannerisms, etc, we take it all in without even knowing what we are doing. In some cases it surfaces early, and in some cases like mine, when i was 65 years old.

Yes, i see my Mom at times when i give physical presence to my feminine pshcye. Am i her, no, and neither are you, but she is a big portion of who you are, she was all you/i knew growing up. I learned things my Mom did when yound, after she passed, and it explains a lot of what I do, even as a male, and reinforces what my Barbara likes to do.

So, you are just normal, and doing what you are meant to do. Have fun

Barbara

[Stephenie S]

Yeah.

I used to worry a bit about how certain things that I did reminded me of my mother's behavior. But as I grow older I find myself saying, "Oh my goodness, I'm turning into my grandmother". :straightface:

S

[Cynthia Anne]

I can only imagine what that must be like! I would think on most parts it would be a good thing! Sadly to say I never felt that way! Hugs

[Leslie Langford]

Being transgendered and enjoying crossdressing is one thing, but if a growing fixation with one's mother in particular becomes part of this, then some counselling might be in order to try to get to the root of this.

Sounds like a form of Oedipus complex is taking hold here, and you don't want to stray into the mother-obsessive territory that Norman Bates of "Psycho" fame fell victim to.

[sandra-leigh]

Yes, i see my Mom at times when i give physical presence to my feminine pshcye.

Well, I do and I don't....

When I take my glasses off, then especially if I am a bit tired, I look enough like my mother's present appearance that even good friends of my mother mistake the two of us in pictures. I've gotten confused myself sometimes, looking at some of those pictures. So yes, of course my mother would be rather apparent "when i give physical presence to my feminine psyche".

But the reason I don't see my mother's appearance in myself at those times, is that if I have my glasses off, I am so short-sighted that I have to be within 5 inches of the mirror to be able to see myself, and at that close of a distance and narrow a field of view, the similarity is not obvious.

I do not think I especially behave like my mother. My mother's circumstances were enough different than mine that the contexts of expression are not really comparable.

I think there would be a case that could be made for me behaving more like my father. My father died when I was 13, and there was a lot about my younger years that I was not able to process at the time (I wasn't autistic or borderline so, but whatever it was that I was had similar effects on my understanding of people and situations in those years.) There were aspects about my father that I never knew when he was alive and was not told for years afterwards -- but, my life has had a number of parallels to his life. I would say that in some ways, both he and I were "trapped" by who we were, misfits and essentially loners, intellectually driven and yet quietly compassionate; people who would not or could not be other than what we were, and suffered the consequences of that integrity. Life can be easier if you can change yourself or your behavior and your ethics to "fit in", but he couldn't then and I can't now. Which is not to say that my mother lacks in integrity, but my mother is not a misfit and did not face the same kind of personal struggles.

[Nikki A.]

I would say there is a resemblence to my mother, butin reality I look alot more like my cousin and also some of the females on my father's side of the family. As far as personality I don't think I've taken after anyone. I blaze my own path

[JessHaust]

You know it, I know it, we all know that the smoking is a bad thing.

[kimdl93]

Fortunately, my mom never smoked. I suppose I am a good deal like her. She was a farm wife, and dressed pretty much that part...having few opportunities to socialize except "ladies aide" at church. Like her, I have some nice things and do like to get fancied up on occassion, but most of the time, I'm working and running errands, so I dress in a casual style consistent with the other women I see. Also, Mom was (and is) very reserved, self contained and stable. A typical Scandinavian, she never wore her heart on her sleeve and she kept her emotions largely in check. I've grown more like her in that respect, after going through much of my life reflecting the more volatile emotions of my father.

[Miss Mandy]

I never wished to imply that I am becoming my mother literally (like the movie Psycho). However, I often wonder how much those images of my mother, standing at the mirror getting ready for a night out with a long cigarette burning in the ashtray next to her, drives me to dress now. My Dad was a great man...he worked hard so that I would have a more successful life, he took me hunting and camping, he taught me how to be a man....

Yet, my mother taught me how to be women whether she knows it or not...

[Alice B]

I think the only thing that my mother influnced me on would be the smoking. Both may parents smokes as did all their friends. I was a late in life child and although my mother was a beautiful woman in her youth I never really was exposed to that

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

I'm adopted, so I can't say my physical appearance is like my adopted mom. I know that if she were alive, she would have seen many of her characteristics in me. When I look at my picture dressed enfemme, I would like to think that this is how my birth mother would would have looked like at my age.

[Claire Cook]

Once a family friend remarked that I looked like my mother. I was of course en drab, but I thanked him and took that as a genuine compliment. Each of us has our Mom's X-chromosome, so to a lesser or greater extent we will have some of her physical attributes. I've often wondered if these are enhanced under HRT. My mother passed away in 1991, but I still have most of her jewelry and a few of her clothes, and love to wear them when I can. I do wish I had more of her personal attributes -- outgoing, gregarious and really kept up with family.

One thing I regret, and I think I've mentioned this in previous posts. She always wanted a daughter and couldn't have any more children. She never knew Claire, and I wish that she had.

[Tera]

Hm. I was wondering if more people were like me in one respect: smoking. As a guy, I've been quit for almost 2 years now. But when I dress, I guess I do tend to assume a somewhat different personality. When I'm dressed, I get cravings to smoke like I did when I actually was a smoker. The interesting part is changing back to male mode, I have no issues at all. It's weird.

[Noemi]

This is touching Claire. Thank You for sharing this.

[Soriya]

Once a family friend remarked that I looked like my mother. I was of course en drab, but I thanked him and took that as a genuine compliment. Each of us has our Mom's X-chromosome, so to a lesser or greater extent we will have some of her physical attributes. I've often wondered if these are enhanced under HRT. My mother passed away in 1991, but I still have most of her jewelry and a few of her clothes, and love to wear them when I can. I do wish I had more of her personal attributes -- outgoing, gregarious and really kept up with family.

One thing I regret, and I think I've mentioned this in previous posts. She always wanted a daughter and couldn't have any more children. She never knew Claire, and I wish that she had.

Claire, what a post! I think that is very touching that you love to wear your moms things from time to time, like a way to feel close to her.

To the OP Jessica,

Everything happens for a 'reason' as is the case with dressing for all of us. It means something and don't be afraid to look deep within to find that answer if you so desire to do so. Like you, Soriya is very different then my natural male side. When I started dressing again a couple of years ago to figure it out, I realized the difference during that time. Soriya is the exact opposite. In male mode, I am reserved, shy, quiet, hard time expressing myself, don't like the way I look, pick myself apart when I look in the mirror, hate pictures...basically, I don't 'love' myself (male mode)

As Soriya, I am the opposite, the exact opposite of above. I love the way I look, like looking in the mirror, feel outgoing, express myself freely (emotinally), etc. etc. I realize that Soriya is an escape for me to be someone other then myself so I don't have to face the issues I feel as my male self. I am certainly not saying this is the case with you or anyone else, just expressing what it is for me. Soriya is all the components that I have always wanted for my male side. Soem may say "well, that's obvious, your TG and supposed to be a woman" but no, thats not it for me, that I know. The task for me is to bring them back together, Soriya and my male side as one. Basically, that would entail me to love myself whole. Not an easy task when we have been programmed the way we have our whole lives but that is the key, to unconditionally love oursleves, to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and feel total acceptance no matter what we see :)

[Trannygranny]

You must consider that your first example of feminine behaviour came from watching your mother. So many of your movements and habits will be imprinted on you.